Osa Bella
by Myg
Summary: Bella is a school counselor, but Edward is a vampire posing as a student. Will Bella defy her head and follow her heart? Or will she conquer her desire and do what she believes is right? Not your daughter's/niece's/little sister's Twilight. Angsty.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there, campers. Welcome to Osa Bella. This work is a response to Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series, which she created and owns. Meaning, I don't own any of it. Oh, how I wish I did. But I don't. The world and all its characters are her intellectual property.**

CHAPTER ONE

The Wrong Foot

I was running, as usual without looking, because I was almost not late, and I thought it would be nice to not be late on the first day of school. It would probably be the only day that term I'd be on time, if I could move fast enough. But as I reached for the car door handle I was assaulted by a powerful, hot stench coming from the ground, or rather, coming from an enormous pile of shit. I had just stomped my new green wedge right into its creamy center.

"That must be one hell of a big dog," I thought, running back to the house to change shoes. There was no way I was going to be on time now. I was never on time. For anything.

I should have gotten up earlier. I swallowed some of the coffee from my travel mug. Too weak as usual, because I suck at making coffee, but there was no one there to make it for me anymore and hadn't been for five years. I was already thinking what a bad idea it had been to let happy hour last until one in the morning, even if it had been the last night of summer break.

In the school parking lot I darted my way through groups of kids, some animated, some withdrawn, wandering into the building. There was no sun, but there is almost never sun in Forks, a fact I'd learned to live with since moving there four years before.

Forks High School was nothing like the sprawling suburban high I'd come from in New Jersey, but I liked that about it. I knew all the kids and their parents by first name, ran into them often in town. While sometimes it felt claustrophobic, something about being called out to at the post office and drug store by locals blunted the edge of my loneliness. On most days it was a comfort, but I never admitted this. I guarded my cynicism closely, a souvenir from Jersey I wouldn't relinquish any time soon, along with my unnatural attachment to the word 'fuck.'

I rushed through the crowded halls to the office.

"Welcome back, Miss Swan!" My favorite senior, Mike Newton called across the hall where he stood against a row of lockers chatting up his girlfriend, Jessica Stanley. I waved at them as I rushed to the main office to check in. Other assorted calls of "Hey Miss Swan!" greeted me and I waved in their general direction, unable to contain the smile on my face. It was nice to be around kids again.

I was known among the staff at Forks High as the teen whisperer. I was the school psychologist, but I was no great therapist, and in fact I had been written up no less than seven or maybe thirteen times since working there. That was for being inappropriate, saying the wrong thing, saying too much, or just pissing off the wrong parent with my directness. But there was one thing I did better than anyone else there: kids talked to me. Drug involved kids, mathletes, prom queens, no matter how sullen, brooding, flippant, jaded or dejected, they would all talk to me. I imagine it was because I'd never forgotten how much it sucks to be their age. Sort of a curse, really, but it came in handy on the job.

I walked into the office to see Mrs. Cope, the head school secretary, shaking her head at me. Nothing unusual there. "You're late, Miss Swan," she said.

"Well good morning to you too, Doreen," I said.

"Miss Swan, I need you in my office," Principal Colter called from the door of his office, the one in the corner with all the windows that you get when after fourteen years as a math teacher and four as Vice Principal you finally get to run the place. He was an old friend of my father's, which was the reason I got, and probably still had, the job of school counselor at Forks High.

"Sorry Red," I said, stepping inside. There was no point in making excuses. He knew me well enough by now.

"Listen, we have some new students starting today I want you to meet. Really strange situation." He sat down behind the big wooden desk and handed me a file. "The Cullens are a new family in district. Moved down from Alaska over the summer. Carlisle Cullen is the father and he's the new director of the Emergency Room at Forks General. He and his wife have five kids, but they're all adopted out of foster care."

"A couple of philanthropists," I said. "Or are they creepy—like the psychos who hoard cats?"

"It's definitely unusual," he said. "You'll see when you meet the kids."

"So they're not going to blend real well, you're saying."

"Blend? Bella, these kids will fit in here like Lamborghinis on a used car lot."

"I'll call them down first period."

"No need. They're waiting in the conference room."

I grabbed my coffee and crossed the hall but I hesitated, strangely anxious. I peered in the conference room window for just a second before opening the door. There sat the Cullens, five of them, anyway, but all of them strangely beautiful and eerie, like ghosts in broad daylight.

Three boys and two girls sat perfectly still and quiet around the conference table with serene smiles save one, who sat slightly off from the other four, looking tragically bored. He was definitely my type of kid. The one I knew I would eventually reach, no matter how gruesome his tale. His kind always broke for me.

They looked like models, not teenagers, though they certainly looked young. No pimples. No bad hair. No awkward fitting jeans on the girls or excessive hair gel on the guys. Red was right. They were like Lamborghinis on a lot full of used Toyotas, Subarus, and Fords.

"Hi, I'm Miss Swan, the school counselor," I said, taking a seat. The four more subdued Cullens told me their names were Alice, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. The emo one looked up and quietly said, "Edward."

"Hi, Edward." I nodded, trying to break through the icy chill his voice cast on the room.

"Nice to meet all of you." I tried to sound welcoming. "I just wanted to introduce myself in case there's anything you need as you're getting used to this place. I know coming to a new school can be difficult."

Alice smiled at me, but then a weird expression flashed across her face, like she'd just remembered something urgent. Then the same thing happened to Edward, and he turned to Alice as though he might start an argument, but he just shook his head at her. She rolled her eyes as Edward turned to look at me again, like he was sizing me up. I felt myself go hot with embarrassment, though I could not begin to untangle the threads of silent communication that were happening in the room. I felt compelled to acknowledge it in some way, to ask if everything was all right, but instead I said nothing as his disturbed stare held me. I surveyed the other Cullens, who exchanged amused looks as I floundered for what else, exactly, I wanted to say to them.

"So… " I began, but then Edward stood up abruptly, his chair scraping against the floor.

"Excuse me," he said. "I'm not feeling well today." He glared at Alice, who shook her head dismissively.

"Do you need to see the nurse?" I asked.

"I just need to get to class." He walked to the door and accidentally brushed my arm as he squeezed between my chair and the wall in that too small room.

"Excuse me," I said and pulled my chair in, feeling a strange head rush just as our bodies met in that awkward way. I kept my expression blank as he left.

"I'll go check on him," Emmett said to Alice.

"He's fine, Emmett," she said, and then to me, "Really. He's just nervous. First day jitters kind of thing."

"I'll go make sure," Emmett said and left.

"I can see you all look out for each other," I said. Rosalie gave me a clear "no shit," look, and then shoved her chair back and let out a bored sigh.

"My office is right down the hall here," I said. "Door's always open."

#

I was wary of the Cullens after that, but Red pestered me to keep an eye on them so I tried from a distance. At the end of the week I asked Edward's biology teacher, Derek Banner, how he appeared during class.

"Cullen kid? He seems ok," Derek said. "Quiet. "

"He hasn't seemed upset to you?"

"He does sit alone. He's the only kid without a lab partner this term. None of the other kids seem willing to go near him."

"Interesting," I gave my patented answer. Though I did find it quite interesting. Kids can be counted on to sniff out abnormal like a k-9 can find weed at a Phish concert. They just know weird when they see it. So I knew something about Edward was off for Forks High, but other than exceedingly good looking and rich, I didn't know what.

"Yeah, kids," Derek said with a dismissive shrug. "Did you see the staff assignments for the senior hike?"

"No." I'd forgotten all about the new "student bonding" program we were implementing for the seniors.

"You and I have L-P together. Should be a decent group." He was clearly enthusiastic.

"Great."

"Yeah, stop by my classroom later and we'll talk gear."

Derek was a recently single guy about seven years older than me, and he wasn't a bad looking guy. He was bald, but kept his head shaved hardcore style and he worked out so he had a great body. Not terribly tall, but taller than me. We had always been friendly and that was all, though sometimes I'd wonder about him in that 'I'll bet he's not too bad in bed' kind of way. Probably a generous type with lots of mediocre foreplay and embarrassing pet names. I bet he even brought you tea when it's over. Derek had been named teacher of the year four times, but then there wasn't a lot of competition at Forks High. There are nice things about small ponds, I suppose.

Back in my office, I looked out the window as fifth period gym walked out onto the soccer field, Coach Clapp bellowing directions behind them. Some of the jock boys dribbled soccer balls around the perimeter while the girls lagged behind, clearly enjoying the parade of nimble young male bodies. Then suddenly the girls towards the back of the pack stopped to watch as two other girls came catapulting across the field.

Alice and Rosalie Cullen. It had to be, because as far as I knew we had no returning Olympic gymnasts this year.

I opened my window and heard Alice and Rosalie laughing as they tumbled effortlessly across the expanse of the soccer field. Their movement was unreal, like pixies flitting over a field of wildflowers. Coach Clapp stood staring, whistle dropped from his parted lips. The other kids watched them, confused as they frantically grouped themselves like a pack of frightened deer, hovering at the sideline.

Alice turned several cartwheels and then launched easily into three back flips. Rosalie answered her with a running flip, landing effortlessly on her feet. She dusted her hands off on her shorts and hollered at the class, "What? You've never seen a cartwheel before?"

Then she ran up to one of the guys and stole a soccer ball from him. The boy stood and stared at her, slack jawed as she gracefully whisked past him. Alice ran across the field—god damn they were fast—and caught Rosalie, stealing the soccer ball from her. The scene suddenly turned normal again as the rest of the class broke free from its stunned transfixion and began to dribble soccer balls tentatively around the field. Coach Clapp resumed shouting his directives, almost like it had never happened.

I wanted a closer look and apparently I was not the only one. As I walked out of the building, I noticed all the young faces at classroom windows. Emmett and Edward were staring from a window in Senora Carmen's class, in some animated exchange, though I could not tell if they were laughing or arguing.

Coach Clapp lined the kids up for a series of shots on goal. None of the kids would go anywhere near the Cullen girls, who had volunteered to goalie. Alice noticed me and waved. I waved tentatively back to her.

"What the hell was that?" Red hissed at me, stalking onto the soccer field.

"I guess they're athletic," I said. "And clearly, they like attention."

"Perfect," he was annoyed. "Bella, these kids make me nervous."

"Come on, Red. Don't jump to conclusions." My advice was empty.

Red walked over to where Clapp stood, arms crossed, surveying his students as they kicked soccer balls at Alice and Rosalie, who easily blocked every shot. It was like the rest of us were in slow motion.

A high pitched scream broke from a group of three girls hanging out in the corner of the field. They ran over to Coach Clapp and he blew his whistle in three short blasts and then waved the kids in, like a lifeguard on a closing beach. The other kids, seeing whatever it was that scared the girls, broke into a run. Some were laughing, and some were clearly afraid.

"Inside, now!" Clapp yelled.

Red shouted, "Everybody walk. Remain calm!" Most of the girls were scampering towards the building anyway, with the exception of Jessica Stanley, who was acting very cool and sauntering back to the building with some of the guys laughing whatever it was off. But Rosalie and Alice walked towards the woods.

"You two girls!" Clapp called to them. "Get your butts over here now!"

Then I saw it, coming to the edge of the treeline. A black bear, about the size of a large man, maybe the size I'd imagine a nice burly lumberjack to be. I found this strangely delightful. I'd never seen a bear that close before outside of a zoo. I walked over to Clapp to get a better look.

Rosalie looked back in our direction, annoyed, but she didn't move. Then she said something to Alice and took a lunging step towards the bear. She made a face that I couldn't quite see, but it almost looked as though she was baring her teeth. Alice laughed and tugged playfully at Rosalie's arm, pulling her in the direction of the building.

The bear turned and took off into the woods.

#

In the parking lot after school I saw the Cullens arguing. Rosalie was laughing, Alice was biting her lower lip—was it to keep from smiling? The boy Cullens were bickering in low voices, Edward shaking his head angrily, Jasper throwing his hands up in the air. Emmet put his arm around Rosalie protectively as she gave Edward a sneer.

I felt like a voyeur as I sat in the front seat of my car and stared, hoping no one would notice me gawking behind the windshield.

Edward shook his head, as though he'd had enough of whatever conversation they were having. He opened the car door, but just as he was getting in he looked in my direction and our eyes met for a moment, one staggering moment that felt painfully long and devoid of common decency. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and tightened my jaw defensively as his eyes held mine in place. And though I knew it would have been better to casually smile or wave or simply look away, I found I could not. Instead I held his eyes with my own, thinking perhaps I'd find something there that would answer the question that hung between us. Who the hell did this kid think he was, staring at me like that?

Then he let it go and got in the car. I felt strangely triumphant I had not been the first to look away.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

Future Perfect

Ritalin, Klonopin. I stood staring at my medicine cabinet. I was out of Xanax, which was probably for the best. I was in the mood for a Rainier, anyway. I stashed a few Klonopin in my purse, just in case.

I'd never been much of a pill head, much of any kind of user. The occasional glass of wine or the overindulgence at New Year's, sure. But it changed, like everything else, when Zachary died. Zack was my husband. He was killed five years before in Afghanistan.

I fell in love with Zack when I was 16, when he teased me in Spanish class for being quiet and convinced me to do his homework for him. I married him right out of high school, despite the protests of my divorced parents and all of our closer friends. I'd wanted to start a family right away, but Zack wanted to be a hero, so he became a soldier. After two tours of duty he didn't feel so invincible anymore, but he said he couldn't quit until the job was done. He left on a third tour of duty and just didn't make it home.

I was half way to a Ph.D. when he was killed and couldn't finish. A year passed and the pain of his loss didn't relent one bit. It wasn't at all like everyone said it would be. I didn't cherish the times we'd had. I didn't honor his memory. I just drank, something I rarely did while he was alive. And then when the alcohol wasn't doing enough to keep me from thinking, I started with pills.

Every day after he died was like the first day I'd gotten the news, and I understood that was not normal. I couldn't get out of bed anymore and at one point, stayed in my bed for two weeks straight, an assortment of empty bottles hidden beneath the night table. There was talk of medication and hospitals, but I knew how to get out of that. Besides, that wouldn't make me better.

I needed to get out of Jersey. I couldn't face the walls of our home, his empty side of the bed, his beloved AMC Javelin left untouched in the garage. I couldn't drive the streets we drove on without thinking about the unthinkable. Couldn't even bear to write my own name—his name. I just had to get out, to get away from his memory.

My father, Charlie Swan, was from Forks and was its police chief. I had been born there, and though I'd spent little time with him while I was growing up, we were close.

"Come on home, Bella," he said to me one night on the phone. "I'll do whatever I can to help you."

Forks was as far from my broken life as I could realistically get. It was so remote it could have been Venus, which would have been my first choice had it been a viable option. So I went, and Charlie helped me get a place to live and a job and much to my surprise, gradually I pieced together a new life for myself. Some days were better than others, but I still got up every day, and that was an improvement.

Thinking about Charlie made me realize I was running late for dinner, as usual. Like most Monday nights, I jumped in my car and headed for the diner to meet my father.

"Where's Sue?" I asked as I sat down. Sue Clearwater was my father's girlfriend of about seven years. She often joined us at the diner on Monday nights.

"She's at the dry cleaner's getting my uniforms."

"You know, if you don't ask her to marry you soon she's going to stop doing things like that."

"Now you sound just like her," he said.

"Well, we're both right."

"Quite a day you had at school today." He changed the subject.

"Yeah, did you check it out?"

"I stopped by but didn't see any bear. Just some tracks," he said.

"That reminds me—I stepped in a pile of crap this morning in my driveway. I'll bet it was that same bear."

"You're not in Jersey, Bells." He was leveling that very serious chief of police look at me—the one that made me very grateful I didn't live with him as a teenager.

"Yeah," I said. "In New Jersey we have a reason for bear sightings—an explosion of hideous development. Here, you have all this stupid wilderness and your bears have no excuse." I finished my Rainier and ordered another.

"It is odd. We've had more bear sightings around town in the past three months than I can remember having in the past three years," he said.

"You're having another?" he asked and I rolled my eyes at him. He continued, "something in the ecosystem has got to be changing."

"Like what?"

"Not sure. Could be something affecting their food source. Or it could be some kind of predator."

"What kind of predator hunts bears?"

"Humans," he said.

The waitress came over with our order.

"Chief, there was another bear sighting, came right up to the Thriftway dumpster this morning," she said. "I'm really worried somebody's going to do something stupid and get attacked."

"Me too," Charlie said while drizzling the A-1 onto his hamburger. He looked at me and said, "Bella, you know how to deal with a bear attack?"

"Dad, why the hell would I know that?"

"Fight. And use this," he said, handing me a canister of pepper spray.

"Jesus, Dad," I took it and put it deep in my purse. "I'm more likely to blind myself than a bear."

"Good thing I didn't give you a pistol then," he said.

#

The Cullens quickly became the trending topic at Forks High, with students breaking into distinct camps of either Cullen fandom or Cullen antipathy. It was like they were a band or a ball team—everyone seemed obligated to have an opinion. The Cullens largely kept to themselves, and none of the students made overtures to befriend them. I don't know if they were intimidated by their money, looks, or freaky talents. I know they were confused by their connectedness, as it had quickly become clear that Jasper and Alice were together, as in, fucking each other, and the same went for Rosalie and Emmett. This kind of thing was most certainly frowned upon, though an inquiry to the Washington State Child Protective Services confirmed that anyone was unlikely to do much about it. Rosalie and Emmett were 18, and Alice and Jasper were less than a year from being legal age, and apparently of little interest to the state.

Then there was Edward. He was alone, aloof, bored, and usually appeared to be lost somewhere in his own head. It bothered me how he isolated himself. It wasn't a good sign. Isolated kids are often depressed kids, the kind who one day show up in your office having taken a handful of pills, or who just stop showing up at all. He was, however, proving to be an excellent student, and had no disciplinary problems other than random smoking incidents outside on school grounds. Some of the staff thought that marked him as a rebel. I wasn't so sure.

I hadn't had much interaction with Edward since that first day of school, but ever since I found myself noticing him constantly. His thick, brown hair was always a perfectly tousled mess. His eyes appeared to shift color, from black to toffee brown and back over days. He never spoke to anyone other than his family unless he was spoken to, and then he was quick to end the conversation. I wondered exactly what sort of chip he was carrying on his shoulder, given what little I understood of his ambiguous, unattached past.

What did I know about Edward? He'd been a foster child, which told me he might have been bounced around a lot as a kid. I had to guess he'd been abused or abandoned. And he had to be put in the system young—it was rare to get adopted from foster care once you were over the age of twelve. In fact it was hard to get into foster care at all once you were a teenager. He was clearly smart and obviously well mannered. Maybe he'd been adopted as a baby by the Cullens. But then, why was he so isolated and moody? Was there trouble at home? A genetic tendency towards depression or some other mood disorder?

I found myself thinking about this quite a bit. A bit too much, perhaps, for my own comfort.

One afternoon during the second week of school I found Edward by himself in the parking lot, leaning against his car, waiting for his siblings, listening to his car stereo. I recognized the song because it was a favorite of mine. This gave me an excuse to go talk to him.

I walked towards him and he stared openly at me, just like he had on the first day of school. I understood he was sending me some kind of warning, but I didn't care. The closer I came the more his expression softened, like I was walking through some kind of psychological barrier. At first he looked put off, but then his face cracked, just a little, and I saw the corners of his mouth start to turn up just before he caught himself and drew his mouth into a straight, unexpressive line.

"That's a great song," I said.

"You know it?" he asked.

"Yeah, that's Daylight by Mercy Brown. I love her."

"Really?" He was definitely surprised. Most high school students don't expect anyone over the age of twentyfive to know anything about music. I was used to that.

"Yeah, I'm a big fan," I said. "I read about her on Stereogum over the summer and have been an obsessive listener ever since."

"Huh."

He wasn't going to make conversation easy for me. I expected as much.

"So, how do you like Forks High compared to Highland Tech?"

"I haven't thought much about it," he said.

"How are your classes so far?"

"Fine," he said.

"Good." I smiled at him, maybe a little bit smugly. So for whatever reason he wasn't going to warm up. "Well, have a nice weekend," I said, ready to take my leave. "It's supposed to be sunny, for once."

"I don't like sun," he said. The edge of confrontation in his voice was unmistakable. He gave me another one of those looks you'd never give to someone you didn't know. He didn't want me to go, this was obvious. The feeling was mutual and discomforting and I was suddenly aware that I had a real problem on my hands.

"You've come to the right peninsula then," I said, unable to keep the smirk off my face, though I did keep my voice steady, my eyes locked right back on his.

Our tense little exchange was interrupted by the arrival of the other Cullens, who approached with the most amused expressions as they caught us standing there together. Alice was particularly bubbly. Edward glared at her in warning.

"Hey Miss Swan," she said, ignoring him. "Giving Edward a little counseling session?"

"Why, does he need it? I could pencil him in."

"Are you kidding?" Emmett said. "An army of psychiatrists couldn't crack that attitude."

"Shut up," Edward said. "We've got to go."

Students swarmed into the parking lot, a lighthearted exodus into the weekend. I left the Cullens bantering in the parking lot, but as I went back inside, out of the corner of my eye I saw Edward, still watching me. If I hadn't seen it, I would have known it anyway.

But I didn't turn around.

#

My best friend in Forks was Illeana Rogers, a young Cuban psychiatrist I'd met at a conference the year I moved back here. Technically, she was from Port Angeles, a compromise for her husband who dragged her out of Seattle ten years ago. She had a flair for the obscure, an evil sense of humor, and a keen appreciation for other people's pain which made her one of the best psychiatrists I'd ever known. She also had a love for the darker things in life—horror films, amateur porn, the occult. She was also my pill connection.

A lot of people would be surprised at how not big a deal prescription drug "off label" use is among doctors, especially psychiatrists. Most of the honest ones will tell you that Ritalin works far better than coffee if you're trying to get through medical training with your sanity. "We all do better with a little speed," Illeana said. I had no argument.

She was not above sharing samples or writing scripts when times got rough. My anniversary, Zack's birthday, things like that. I never really thought it was much of a big deal, myself. What was the difference if someone prescribed you Klonopin because you had a psychiatric condition or if you were just a fucking wreck because your husband got himself killed and left you a widow at twenty five years old? The difference is in the details, really, and who cares about those?

I was running low on Klonopin and out of Xanax, so I went out to her place for drinks. The summer had been lonesome and difficult and she'd more than once hinted toward her concern that I might be getting depressed again. I knew she was right to worry—I'd do well to worry a little more about that myself. So when I turned up at her place looking for more pills, I wasn't surprised to get the lecture instead.

"You should see someone, Bella," she said. "You know medication will only do so much. You need therapy."

"Please, Illeana, we've been through this." Psychologist or not, I am not a big fan of therapy. I've had therapy, yes. I've given therapy too. I find it to be only marginally useful unless a person actually wants to change. Most people do not, despite what they think, despite what they say. Most people want to stay the same and just talk about change. I was not particularly interested in change. I was just trying to lose the black clouds of death that followed me everywhere.

"Fine. What are you doing for your birthday next week? Want to go out?"

"Fuck that, no way. I'm staying home and drinking until I forget I was ever born."

"That's pathetic."

"It suits me, then."

"Come on, don't be like that. Let's see what your thirtieth year has in store." She rubbed her hands together, brought out a bottle of Merlot and a deck of Tarot cards. I had no belief in the bullshit of the Tarot, but Illeana treated her Tarot deck like her DSM-IV or the New York Times—it was just another reference. She shuffled the cards and had me cut the deck. I poured two big glasses of wine and sank back into the couch as she huddled intensely over the spread laid out on the coffee table.

"Oh, honey I think you're gonna finally meet someone," she gushed excitedly. "This is the Hermit—this symbolizes you. Speaks for itself, no? A loner. Somebody isolated, spending too much time thinking. Totally you, girl. This next card crossing you, that's the Three of Swords. Three people in a conflict. One of the swords is dripping blood. Could be an injury. Don't look at me like that."

"You know I hate when you predict shit like that."

"You're so concrete. Please get a grip. Next you have the Three of Pentacles. Maybe a new job coming your way?"

"So I'm going to get fired? Great."

"Pessimist. This card under you is the Seven of Swords. It's like a foundation. It means some kind of move, like your move to Forks. Or it could mean you're going to be robbed."

"And why do I want to know this?" I asked. "More wine, please." She poured me a glass and continued.

"See this one? This is the sun. This is what's past. It means new ventures, business. A baby."

"In the past, sure. Any dream I had of that is gone now," I said.

"Don't be a shit," she said. "You're only twenty nine. Now check this out—this is what awaits you. It's The Chariot. That means travel. So you've got travel in your future, see? But this card also represents choice. A major choice will be ahead of you this year. But it also means you might want to redecorate your house."

I laughed at the absurdity.

"Now this card represents you, hija," she said. "The Queen of Pentacles. You're gonna be rich! Oh, don't forget me when you are. I'll miss you when you move to Hollywood." She gave me a fake frown.

"If I become rich, I will personally have every last tea towel you own embroidered with a cameo of my likeness for Christmas. Don't say I never gave you anything."

"So this next card is what—or rather who—is surrounding you right now. This is why I say you're gonna meet someone. This, sweetheart, is the King of Wands."

I laughed out loud.

"Ha! That is totally who I want to meet this year. The Jack of Vibrators would be okay too. Does it tell you his number?"

"Seriously, Bella, this could be your future husband right here. The King of Wands represents a man who is very talented, but very private. Creative, passionate, jealous type. It's someone you know—someone around you now."

Jacob, I thought, but didn't say. Jacob Black had been one of my closest friends since I'd moved back to Forks. We'd known each other since we were little kids, because his father Billy was my father's closest friend. Since I'd moved to Jersey as a kid we hadn't seen much of each other while growing up, but he was the kind of friend you were always comfortable with, like you hung out every day. He was the only person I could think of that might possibly fit the King of Wands description. Plus, he had a really nice wand. Though he hadn't been around much lately.

"Jacob?" Illeana asked. It wasn't like she read my mind. There just weren't other plausible possibilities.

"He's not into me," I said. I'd known this for awhile. We were close friends and had on occasion fucked, mostly out of curiosity, boredom and general horniness. But we never seemed to cross out of friend territory.

"Maybe he just doesn't know he's into you yet. Maybe that's what's going to change," she said. "Let me see what else is here. See in the hopes and fears place, you've got Justice. Ay, I hate this card. It's about right and wrong, blah, blah. You're worried about being judged. Who isn't?"

"Next."

"The final summary is..." She paused, curious. "Well, this card kind of sucks. It's the Four of Pentacles. It means you're going to be rich, but we already knew that. It also means 'blocking change' but I don't get it. Like, in the end, you won't change. You'll be eternally Bella."

"And that's why I don't want psychotherapy."

"You're impossible, you know that?" She tossed me her mother's afghan and I curled up on the couch. "Buenos noches."

I thought about what the cards said as I wound down for sleep, particularly that thing about the King of Wands. A talented, private, passionate man sounded very good to me. It was the first time since Zack's death I thought I might be willing to get involved with someone.

Would Jacob Black really ever fall for me? He was hot and we had good chemistry. We laughed a lot. We drank a lot, too, which was usually how we ended up in bed together. I could see falling for Jake, but his casual stance towards me made me reluctant to take the possibility at all seriously. I didn't need anymore drama or heartache. But if I thought it was possible? I could see being very into Jake.

I was taking an inventory of other men I knew, my mind a little loose with wine and sleep wandering down, but then that train of thought stopped at a station I hadn't anticipated.

Edward Cullen.

And for just a minute I indulged myself the shameful pleasure of recalling him in minute detail. I thought about his perfectly unkempt hair, those fierce probing eyes of his, and those full, demonstrative lips when they turned down in a scowl or pressed flat to each other in irritation. And as I began to wonder if he'd left a girl in Alaska, and if he missed her, and what those lips of his might feel like, taste like, in another ten years, I just had to stop myself. Too much wine. Don't go there, I said to myself.

Was there a real possibility with Jacob Black? Should I pursue something there? A relationship would probably be a good thing for me. Maybe it was time.

I slipped off to sleep, dreaming of Cuban coffee in the morning, almost forgetting I would be going home the next morning without a new stash of meds to take the edge off.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Hurricane Ridge

Two buses were loaded with the senior class for the day and everyone was accounted for save the Gittler twins who'd come down with an intestinal virus and the Cullens, who'd been signed out. That left us with 67 kids and 10 staff for the trek up to Hurricane Ridge.

The day's events included a five mile hike, an "I Spy" style nature walk competition, a philosophical discussion question relating to Walden and some stupid human tricks to facilitate breaking social barriers. All this was designed to be in the service of social cohesion for our seniors. It was admirable, really, but this was the first year we'd tried it so who the hell knew how it would turn out.

Derek Banner was in full hiking regalia, a small day pack with maps and water bottles and power bars, a tan hat that coordinated perfectly with his two hundred dollar hiking boots, swiss army knife hanging off his belt, right next to his cell. He cheerfully corralled our group of 14 kids with pithy words on the outdoors and he wasn't even terribly geeky about it.

I was looking down at my camera, adjusting some settings for what I'd hoped would be some decent wildlife shots. As I was fiddling, I tripped over a stone in the path and Derek caught me by the arm. I blushed as I heard the kids laugh at my clumsy move, but as I felt him steady me, I felt something else, unexpected. Something nice.

Mike Newton was in our group and in a rare state that day. Normally he was a tightly wound kid, friendly and outgoing, but stressed out. His family owned the local sporting goods store and he was all about the great outdoors, so he was really at home that day. It was a nice change.

"Hey, Miss Swan, I didn't know Jersey girls hiked," he teased me.

"Oh, you have no idea how many miles of exurban wasteland there are to explore back east," I teased him back. "I've got mad hiking stories."

"Tell us one, then."

"Sure."

I looked over at Derek, who smiled at me in that "Well, then?" kind of way.

"It was a bright, sunny day and I was hiking around the mall with every other female over 12 within a four mile radius. Actually, you may be interested to know there's a mall every four miles in Jersey. It's part of the state constitution, along with pizza made by real Italians and two license plates for every car… "

"Awesome," Paige Lee, another one of my favorite kids, said.

"It's convenient, that's for sure," I said. "So, yeah, I was at the mall, on a Saturday, and it was bright and sunny out—unlike certain towns located inside a certain temperate rain forest I've heard about—and every teenager in the world was there. Not a single one was outside. And all of the drivers on the turnpike rejoiced."

"That's a lame hiking story, Miss Swan," Mike said.

"Well, I'm not at the good part yet," I said. "Then suddenly, Jon Bon Jovi walked into Old Navy to buy sweatpants, and all of the middle aged mothers of the teenagers lost their minds, and swarmed him for autographs. Because Jon Bon Jovi is a kind of patron saint in New Jersey." The kids were now laughing.

"Oh, we're halfway there… Oh! We're livin' on a prayer… " Two of the girls broke out in song, and I was fairly sure at that point that Derek Banner was wishing he hadn't been assigned to work with me that day.

"Okay folks, let's think while we're out here in God's country," Derek jumped in, "not about malls and aging rock stars, but about Thoreau and his great experiment. How do you think you would you be transformed if you left the life you knew in civilization and embraced a life of simplicity in nature?"

"That's a good question," I said, hoping I hadn't pissed him off. "Every day we're being transformed by a so many different influences. Friends, parents, television, movies, books, internet garbage. What if you just left it all behind and disappeared out here in the wilderness?"

"There's no 3G out here, is there?" one of the kids joked.

"I can't hear you now," said another.

"I'd love it," Mike said. "Imagine you didn't have to deal with anything or anyone except mother nature. No parents on your back, no papers due. How about just for a day?"

"It would be boring," Paige said. "What would you do all day?"

"Survival isn't boring," Mike said.

Mike dropped to the back of our line so he could see Jessica, who was in the group following us. He handed her something—looked like a note, and then got back in our line. Real smooth, he was. Not obvious at all. She looked bored. But then, she always looked bored around him. I was fairly certain these two were headed for another break up, which meant hours of Mike Newton crying in my office. It made it hard for me to like Jessica, and she wasn't a bad kid. Just a typical 17 year old girl always looking for the next better thing to come along.

The hike was long and beautiful. September is one of the driest months on the Olympic Peninsula and we had a stunning, clear day. From the crest of the ridge I could see the white jagged edges of the snow topped Olympic mountains in the distance. Below, a thick cropping of tall evergreens rose towards the bright blue sky while an explosion of oranges, reds and yellows signaled the underbrush's descent into the slumber of winter. I'd forgotten how much natural beauty like this touched me, even living in the heart of the outdoors for four years. I'd always enjoyed hiking when I was younger, but I hadn't done much of this since Zack died. It was the kind of thing we used to do all the time in summer. I was pleasantly surprised the memory of it didn't make me sad just then.

"Why didn't the Cullens come today?" asked Paige. "That family is so weird."

"Total freaks," Mike said and several of the boys laughed. "They're like mutants or something. Ever notice how in lunch, they all buy food but nobody ever eats? What is that about?"

"They're all like, doing each other too," said another girl under her breath.

"That's enough," Derek said. "Unless you want to volunteer to be the topic of discussion next time you're absent from school." The kids settled down.

I wished the Cullens had come on the trip to Hurricane Ridge. If there was one group of kids who needed the socially integrating activities of the trip, it was them. Plus, the less the other students knew them, the more they would be relegated to the spoils of gossip and rumor mongering, which was just going to add up to more drama. As school counselor I had a vested interest in minimizing teen drama whenever and wherever possible. I sighed in frustration. Why had Dr. Cullen pulled them out of the trip? It was almost like he didn't want them to integrate.

At the end of the hike we broke into mixed groups and did some human pyramids, knots and assorted other silly activities to get the kids' social ties to shift a little. We watched with satisfaction as the bones of their little cliques fractured and our senior class transformed itself from a grouping of social islands into a more diverse and varied continent, at least for the afternoon.

It became obvious that Paige clearly had it for Mike as she made several attempts to be near him. She consistently laughed at his jokes, however meager they were, and she placed herself next to him during the ice breaking exercises, though with Jessica Stanley typically on his other side, she wasn't making much of an impact. Mike still had it bad for Jessica, most of the senior guys did, and it was painful to see how disinterested she was in him, despite their boyfriend/girlfriend status. I silently wished Paige a little dating mojo.

"Pretty good day, right?" Derek said to me as we were rounding the kids up to go home. "We should start a Thoreau club and do an overnight with some of the more interested kids. We could do a trip to Lake Crescent."

"Yeah," I said. "I think some of the kids would really go for that."

"Would you?"

"Sure," I smiled and looked off into the woods.

As the 67 seniors were piling onto the buses (they were all there, Red counted, five times) and the staff were packing our gear into the back, I went to use the bathroom before taking the trip home. "Hurry it up Miss Swan." Red instructed me like I was one of the kids.

On the way back to the buses I was singing that Mercy Brown tune again, thinking about Edward Cullen. It was too bad he hadn't come on this trip. It had been a really good day for the students, and I was sure he would have made a friend or two. It would have been interesting to see him making a human pyramid with a bunch of kids or twisting into a giant teen knot with the rest of his classmates. I laughed to myself as I tried to imagine him engaging in the activities with the other students. Somehow I just couldn't picture Edward at the base of a human pyramid.

As I approached the buses, I heard something. A few snapping twigs, the rustle of fallen leaves under foot steps. And it sounded almost as if it was following me, only from under the cover of the woods. I turned slowly to see two large bears, one black and one dirty white, wandering behind me along the fringe of the woods, eyeing me like lost school children looking for the bus home.

I grabbed my camera from my neck and turned slowly towards them.

The bears watched me, still and elegant as I approached, strangely comfortable with my encroaching presence. Maybe they were used to park visitors and had become like the crowd of pushy pigeons you found on city stoops, demanding bread crumbs.

When I got within about 15 yards I raised the viewfinder to my eye. I was being stupid, I realized, but I wanted to get a shot of the white bear and who knew if I'd ever see an albino bear again outside of the internet or a zoo. I began shooting and the bears looked curiously at me, like a dog might if he was expecting something from your pocket.

"Bella!" Red shouted, now noticing me and my subjects along the edge of the woods. I expected the bears to run, startled by his shouting, but they didn't. Instead, the white bear got up on its hind legs, like it was trying to see better. The black bear turned and began to plod it's way back into the cover of the trees, bored. I looked back to where Red and the rest of the faculty stood and gestured—one minute—I just had to get one more shot of this magnificent white bear. I turned back to where it had been standing and noticed it had taken several strides towards me. It moved so quietly and fast I hadn't noticed. I should have run but instead just put my hand out as if to say "Stop!"

The bear stopped it's approach and studied me. She was gorgeous. Thick white fur covered her towering form as we stood there, confronting each other silently. Her black eyes studied me with intense curiosity as I raised the camera back to my face and shot several frames.

"Get back here now!" I heard Red's last straw warning and suddenly realized another HR write-up was in my immediate future. I took the camera away from my face and I am certain that the white bear nodded to me in recognition before she galloped back into the woods.

#

The following day I was in the faculty lounge, licking my wounds from the severe reprimand I'd gotten from Red for setting such a bad example for the students, and he was right. There wasn't much I could actually say about it. Derek came in and asked quietly, "Did you bring any of those pictures with you today?"

"No," I said. "I was so stupid to do that."

"Yeah," he said. "But I bet you got some amazing shots of that Kermode."

"The what?"

"The white bear. It's called a Kermode. It's a genetic variant of a regular Black Bear, but they are never seen this far south."

"I didn't know that."

"You shouldn't have gotten so close to it," he said. "But I'm glad you got photos."

"I'll email you some," I said.

"I was thinking more about the idea for the Thoreau club," he said. "Would you be available to get coffee with me after school to do some brainstorming?"

"Sure," I smiled at him, but as I agreed to this pseudo-date, I immediately had that feeling you get when you've committed to something that is going to lead somewhere you're not sure you want to be, like buying a non-refundable plane ticket to your second cousin's wedding in Ohio.

"By the way, I thought you'd be interested," he continued. "Edward Cullen skipped blood typing in lab today. I know he's been a concern of yours." I nodded. "Apparently Harris caught him smoking in the woods during third period. He's in ISS for the rest of the day."

"Huh. Kid's a smoker. That figures."

"Yeah and he doesn't like blood."

"Lots of kids are queasy about that."

"We get fainters every year," he said. "None this year though. Must be my year."

#

I walked down the hall and looked in the window of the In School Suspension room, where Vice Principal Harris sat at the teacher's desk, reading a Modern Ammo magazine, looking satisfied. Edward sat across from him, still, his eyes full of anger, black and focused on some unknown point out the window. I wondered at that stillness and its contrast to the message of his gaze. He looked like a stone carving from an ancient legend. Not a single muscle twitched—he didn't even appear to be breathing.

Harris saw me standing at the door and made an irritated face, the normal face he made whenever he saw anyone. Edward looked at me then and gave me the slightest signal, but I understood what he wanted.

"Mr. Harris," I said, "I need to see Edward Cullen."

"What for?" he asked me. Edward got out of his seat and walked out the door.

"Interview," I said, wondering at myself for lying. I didn't actually have to give him a reason. "He won't be back."

Out in the hall Edward was leaning against the lockers waiting for me. "Thanks," he said.

"Right. I'm going to have to find something to do with you now," I said. "Do you mind coming to my office for awhile?"

"Not at all," he said.

In my office I offered him a seat on the small couch across from my desk. I sat in my chair across from him, wondering what the hell I might do with him. He looked curiously around my office, perusing the books off my shelf.

"So are you a traditionalist? Freudian? Or more of a behaviorist?"

"I'm a realist," I said.

We were interrupted by a knock at my door. Derek stuck his head in, surprised to see Edward there.

"Mr. Cullen, I thought you were in ISS for smoking," he said.

"What's up, Mr. Banner?" I asked, my heart racing just a little as I cut him off before Edward had a chance to reply. "Can I help you with something?"

"I just wanted to let you know I've got to stay late to help a student with an assignment. Can we get coffee tomorrow instead?"

"Sure," I said. "No problem."

"Great."

Edward cocked his head at me, mildly interested in this small amount of information about my personal life.

"You're a coffee drinker then?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I picked it up after I quit smoking."

"That stuff will kill you," he said.

"Ha ha," I said. "So, you're a smoker then?"

"It's a bad habit I picked up years ago," he said.

"Isn't your dad is a doctor? He must not like you smoking."

"Carlisle doesn't interfere much with what I do."

"Is that what you call him?"

"Yeah."

"How long have you been with your parents, anyway?" I asked.

"Awhile," he said, looking away.

"And your brothers and sisters too?"

"I don't like talking about myself or my family," he said, his eyes commanding me to silence in a way I found most unsettling. My heart fluttered in my chest, my skin tingled like a ghost had crept into the room. This was not a reaction I'd ever had to anyone before in my life, let alone a high school student.

"What do you like talking about, then?" I asked.

"I don't like talking."

Normally my patience, in short supply everywhere else in my life but here, could wear in even the most withdrawn kid, bring them to a place where they'd feel comfortable enough to crack and make some small connection. But not Edward. He was cold. So cold I felt affected by it, like I wanted to pull a blanket over him, shine the sun on him, do something to chip at the ice surrounding his favor.

"Have you ever heard of a Kermode bear?" I asked.

"Of course. I saw one once out on Princess Royal Island in British Columbia. Why?"

"I have some photos of one that I saw on the Hurricane Ridge hike."

"Kermode bears aren't this far south," he said. "Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"No, but that's what I was told it was." I pulled a photo up on my computer and motioned for Edward to come see. "I don't know why, but I'm sure this was a female."

He came and stood behind me, looking over my shoulder. He crouched down a little, so his head was level with mine, his face just over my right shoulder. Something was wrong, very wrong, with what his proximity did to me. I inhaled and was distracted by the scent of him. No teenage boy had a right to smell that good.

"You must have been very close," he said quietly. I could feel his breath against my ear. "You're a good shot."

"Not usually," I managed to say. I cleared my throat awkwardly. He stood up then and took a seat on the couch.

"They're called Spirit Bears," he said. "An ancient American Indian legend says every tenth bear was turned white as a reminder of the last ice age, but they're actually pretty rare."

"You seem to know a lot about bears."

"I'm a hunter."

"You should join the Thoreau club we're starting," I said, regaining my mental footing. "We're probably going to do an overnight at Lake Crescent in the spring. Maybe we'll run into the Kermode again."

"An overnight?" he said, looking at me in disbelief. "You're an outdoors type?"

"Not really," I said, feeling more relaxed. "Sort of. I like hiking and I like camping. I've never done any without a car and a cooler though."

"I don't like clubs."

"I should have guessed." I gave him a sarcastic look, not one to put him off too badly, but one that would challenge that I-hate-everything defensive posture. "I'd ask what it is you do like, but I know you don't like talking about yourself, so maybe I'll just make it up."

"Go on," he said.

"Fine. I'm going to say you like good music. And fast cars. And Native American Indian history. And conservation, but not conversation. How am I doing?"

"Better than most," he said. "But then most of that you can get just from observation."

"Well, I guess I'll have to read your mind then," I said and closed my eyes, dramatically rubbing my temples. "You most love…"

"You can't read minds," he interrupted.

"How do you know? You didn't even let me try."

"Don't." He looked strangely uncomfortable. Not the reaction I was going for, but one I filed away as data.

"I can't actually read minds," I said. "I am, however, superb at reading body language, and right about now I'm sensing that you're ready to head to the library for some research on Kermode bears, or Austin Healys or something productive like that." I wrote out a pass slip and handed it to him.

"Thank you," he said as he took it from me.

He paused before leaving, and again we were caught in that strange and powerful tension. It felt like a secret history from a different universe might suddenly reveal itself and make sense of whatever unmentionable attraction held us in this bizarre, silent dance. If only we could stand to linger.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

Thirty

It was my thirtieth birthday and I was not happy about this at all, but I had a plan. The moment I got home from school I was going to take a couple of Klonopin, get in my big bed with a trashy novel and I would not leave it until I felt better, probably about three years.

My father had a different plan. "I'm taking you out to dinner tonight," he said.

"No, Dad. I'm really not in the mood."

"Tough," he said. "I made a reservation."

"It's my birthday and I should get to do what I want, shouldn't I?"

"What you want is to wallow in self-pity, so no. I'll pick you up at seven."

That annoying Chief of Police way of ending a conversation grated on me. That said, part of me knew I'd be better off distracted.

When we pulled into the parking lot of the local tavern, I smelled a set up. "Dad, you do not need a reservation to eat at the Mill."

"I had to get you to leave the house," he smiled and put his arm around me. We walked in, and god damn it if there wasn't a small surprise gathering in my honor. Sue and her kids, Seth and Leah, who were both in their mid twenties, were there already with Rainiers in hand. Illeana came up to me and kissed me on the cheek and put a tiara on my head. "Salud, Bella! Feliz cumpleanos!" She stuck a drink in my hand and led me to a table. "Happy thirtieth, princess."

"My father did this?"

"Don't be stupid. I did it, but it was his job to get you here. You can always count on a cop."

"I really do not want to be here."

"Sure you do. Look who I got to show up," she said as Jacob Black came up from behind and pulled me into a bear hug. I hadn't seen him since June. He was a new teacher this year at the high school on the nearby Quileute reservation where he grew up, and had been crazy getting himself prepared over the summer, or so he'd told me the handful of times I'd called him.

"Welcome to old age," he said, grinning. He gave me a quick, friendly kiss on the lips.

"Oh hey, thanks," I said sarcastically, but I was beyond happy to see him. He was the one person who knew how to break me out of my self-indulgent funks, and no doubt his absence from my life over the summer was a good part of the reason it sucked so hard.

"Dude, you got huge!" I took a step back from him and just admired. "You've been to the gym just a little?" Since I'd last seen him he added several inches to his chest and biceps.

"Clean living, baby," he said.

"Bullshit," I said.

"Happy birthday, Bella." I heard the gruff voice of Billy Black, Jacob's father and Charlie's best friend. Billy sported the most beat up wheel chair I'd ever seen. I supposed Medicare wasn't generous enough to float him a more modern model. I turned and bent down to give him a kiss on the cheek. "The best is yet to come," he promised.

"Bullshit again," I said.

"Don't be an ass, Bella," Charlie said. "Your thirties are some of the best years of your life. You'll see."

"I'll trade," said Billy.

"Cheers," I said. "Thanks for being here."

"Bella, there's more!" Illeana said, as she got up to welcome an older woman I didn't know to our gathering. "This is Sandra Clementini," she said. "She's a party psychic!"

I don't know what makes psychiatrists so superstitious, but I had to admit, Illeana did know how to make a party entertaining.

"So what'll it be?" Sandra asked. "Tarot? Palm reading? Want me to talk to the dead?"

"At a pizza place?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Let's go with palms," I said. "The Mill is no place for the dead."

She took my right hand and studied it with mock intensity. Then she took my left. "You are very left brained," she said. "Ruled by logic."

"You don't say," I mocked. Illeana stuck her tongue out at me.

"Not terribly easy going," she said, wagging my thumb back and forth. "Hmm…" her eyes narrowed as her hand traced a line across my palm. "Some real heart break you've had," and then she looked at me tenderly. "Are you single now?"

"If I tell you, isn't that cheating?" I asked.

"Either way, there is some romance in your future, so it's either happening now or will soon. But, it's complicated."

"Awesome," I deadpanned.

"Your life line is very short," she said, her eyes narrowing as she focused. "Look, it breaks here."

"Great. Are you telling me I'm going to die young—on my birthday?"

"That's not what that means," she said. "But it looks like you've got some issues with your attachments," she said.

"I don't have any," I said.

"I'd be careful, just in case." She gave me a spooky look. "I think you're headed for a string of unfortunate luck."

"Did you pay for this?" I asked Illeana.

"Sandra, you are supposed to entertain us, not put a damper on the party," Illeana said.

"I shouldn't tell her? Then when she gets in a car accident you'll call me and complain I didn't warn her, no?"

"That's great. Perfect." I pulled my hand away. "You can't alter fate anyway, right? So why know about it?"

"Who says you can't alter fate?" Billy Black said. "Some aspects you can change."

"Exactly," Sandra said. "Wear your seatbelt."

We ordered food and toasted the end of my youth and ate mediocre non-Jersey made pizza and drank too much beer, and as far as birthdays go, it was not all that bad. Charlie gave me the usual, cash. Sue gave me a new travel mug and Illeana got me a new leather bag. "Check the inside pocket when you get home," she whispered and made a cross eyed Klonopin face when no one was looking. Billy gave me a book on Quileute legends, something I'd asked him about a lot as a kid, and Jacob got me drunk, which is what I got nearly every time saw Jacob.

"I'll drive you home," Jacob offered.

We arrived at my house, and Jacob took my keys and helped me stumble into the living room, where I fell into a heap on the couch.

"Dude, you're gonna be so sick tomorrow. Let me get you some aspirin," he said.

"Let me see what I've got in here." I rifled through the bag from Illeana. More Ritalin, a few more Klonopin, and a friendly note that said, 'Janis Fords, Ph.D. Port Angeles, 360-5X2-1932. Call. This is the LAST TIME. Love, Ill.'

"What is this shit?" Jacob said, getting angry.

"Don't be a baby," I said. Jacob grabbed the pills out of my hands. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"You're too drunk, and you shouldn't be taking these."

"I wasn't going to." I got up off the couch, but then tripped and fell over the coffee table. "Fuck!"

Jacob helped me up and sat me on the couch. "Don't move, all right? I'll be right back." He came back with a tall glass of water and two ibuprofen and handed them to me. "You're such a jackass sometimes," he said.

"Is that anyway to treat me on my birthday?"

"No," he said. "This is." He threw me over his knee and smacked me on the ass. "One!" I screeched and he spanked me again. "Two! Three!" I shrieked, a combination of amused, incensed and turned on. I twisted myself around and tried to wrestle him. He pinned me down in about four milliseconds. "I had 27 to go, you know." He grinned.

If I wasn't so drunk I would have jumped him. If I could have moved. "Let's make a deal," I said.

"You are in no bargaining position," he said. "But, I am curious. What's your offer?"

"Spend the night," I said. "And I'll…"

"And… you'll what?"

"I don't know, what do you want?" My eyes were closing, I felt my words turn to oatmeal as I tried to get them out.

Jacob laughed. "Yeah, I want to spend the night with a girl so drunk she can't even finish her sentences." He picked me up off the couch and carried me into the bedroom. "You're not going to toss your pizza, right?"

"Mmm… " I passed out somewhere between the couch and the bed. When I woke up in the morning, he was gone.

#

The next morning I called Jake, a tad bit embarrassed, a tad bit hopeful.

"Sorry I was so drunk last night," I said.

"Heh, no problem, you were just easing the pain of your descent into old age." He paused. "You were really ripped, though."

"Hey it isn't like you didn't help instigate most of that," I said. "I never get that drunk without assistance."

"Sure, blame the victim."

"How were you victimized, might I ask? I was the one with the headache the size of Vancouver this morning, on a work day no less."

"I had to be around all of the raw energy of a beautiful woman on the cusp of her sexual peak with no hope for getting any. Next time, get drunk, but not so drunk you pass out on me right at the good part, okay?"

"Oh, please." I was sort of gushing at the thought. "Anyway, we should get together and do something where I'm not embarrassing myself."

"Are you kidding? You embarrassing yourself is the best part of any evening."

"I've been wanting to see this singer," I said, tentatively. "Her name is Mercy Brown. She's playing in Seattle this weekend and I really want to go. Are you up for it?"

"Aw, Bells, I'm sorry. I'm camping this weekend with Embry." Embry was Jake's closest friend, and when the two of them were together, there was no getting a word in anyway. "But we'll do something soon. I definitely want to hang out."

I was disappointed, but not at all surprised. This was the reason I never let myself consider Jake as a serious potential hook up. He never really had time for me, and I knew I was destined to stay in the friend/fuck buddy category with him no matter how I tried to push it. And I didn't know how to feel about that. We'd had sex several times over the years, but whatever it was between us never seemed to get any lift. I could never tell if it was me, if it was him, or if it was just a non-stunning combination of things. Maybe someday when he got married I'd pull a Julia Roberts and go apeshit in front of a mass audience and confess my love. But probably not.

I decided to go to Seattle anyway. I had just turned 30, Seattle was a big town to get lost in and I needed a birthday weekend. I'd shoe shop and eat prawns and see a real band. And I'd go alone. That way when I inevitably embarrassed myself, it would be in the company of complete strangers and not people from the small town I now called home.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Reckoner

As I unpacked a few things in my room in Belltown on Saturday afternoon, I was impressed with what a good idea this trip had been. Of course it was early and I was uncharacteristically optimistic.

First on my itinerary was shoe hunting. As I was perusing the displays at Shoefly I almost wished I had dragged Illeana with me, but as I loaded up my VISA, my guilty conscience thanked me for flying solo.

After changing into something that could split the difference between nice restaurant and hip rock club, I went out for prawns at The Waterfront Grill and watched boats. I love to watch boats.

I had lived in Toms River along the Jersey shore and while it was no Seattle, it was the place I discovered my love of sailing. For my 23rd birthday Zack gave me sailing lessons and I'd gotten so into it I became certified to charter monohulls under fifty feet. I hadn't been sailing at all since Zack died, another part of that life that had remained preserved, precious in memory, like it was behind museum glass.

I walked along the waterfront over to Bell Harbor and strolled up and down the docks. Rows of boats gently bobbed in the rhythm of slow currents. I loved reading the names of the boats and where they were from. Carly Sue, San Diego. Wild Eyes, Boston. Troubadour, Vancouver. Five Stars, Seattle.

Then I saw it. The one. Reckoner, Anchorage. It was a vintage Hinckley, just about 50 feet, an ocean cruiser with a red undercoat. She bobbed gently in her slip, like she was breathing in sleep. This was the boat I'd have someday when I inexplicably became rich.

I peered into the cockpit, looking for any sign of the owner. I ran my hand along the rail of her stern and almost couldn't stop myself from boarding. I took several photos of it with my phone so later I could drool and dream of sailing her in the San Juans.

#

Around 9:30 I wandered over to The Crocodile for Mercy Brown's set. After a few months of listening to her album repeatedly I couldn't wait to hear her live. And after the day of relative solitude I was eager to be among people again.

I'd decided against bringing any of my usual pharmaceuticals along. I didn't want to risk doing something stupid like taking a Klonopin, ordering a beer and then needing some poor barmaid to call me a cab at the end of the night. Or an ambulance. It wasn't likely I'd go to a club and not drink. Actually, it was nearly impossible.

At The Crocodile I made my way towards the stage, Rainier number one in hand. Mercy Brown started a soulful but dark, moody and sparse set. Her voice conveyed the pain of lost love in a way that touched me deeply, which was the reason I couldn't get her songs out of my head. I felt like if I were to have a beer with her, I could really talk to her. Like she knew what it was like to survive hell. I closed my eyes and just let my body sway with the sound.

As I let that sad, ponderous music sweep over my thoughts, I couldn't help thinking about Zachary. I could see him in the driveway, working on my car. At dinner, making a face at something I'd burned on the stove and fed him anyway. In bed, holding me as we drifted off to sleep after sex. I went and got another beer.

All the good optimistic energy I'd mustered about this weekend began to erode in the wake of my melancholy. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone so I could distract myself. But near the stage it was just me and Mercy, and she was doing all the talking. I had two more beers in half an hour, and then went to pee.

I started a conversation with a guy at the bar. His name was Oliver and he was really into female singers. He was a second year graduate student in Art History. He smelled like garlic and was too fashionable. I quickly ran out of things to say. I excused myself and began to push my way through the crowd back to the stage.

The beer was loosening me up and the music was loud enough that there was no way to talk to anyone without shouting in their ear, but I really wanted someone to say little things to, like "she's got a great voice, right?" Or "this reminds me a lot of Family Band," or anything to make some sort of connection to someone, anyone.

I scouted the room looking for someone to start chatting with. That girl leaning on the wall was too hip, and her friends looked too clever. That guy? He was cute. I was encouraged when he looked my way and smiled. I started to walk over towards him, not directly to him. But then a woman—obviously a girlfriend or at least a date—came and put her arm around his waist. Another guy over by the bar looked safe and alone but when he caught me looking his way, he looked a little too enthusiastic and I was in no mood to fend off unwanted pick ups. By that point I was in no shape, either.

I was in the middle of my fourth beer, beyond buzzed when I noticed him, off to the side, towards the back of the club, alone. I nearly dropped the bottle when I did.

Edward Cullen stood quietly along the far wall. It should have been impossible, but it was definitely him. I'd know that blank expression anywhere. And I was completely, inappropriately, achingly happy to see him. My heart felt like it had swollen to three times its normal size. I wanted to buy him a drink, I was so glad to see him. But I wasn't far gone enough to do that.

Instead I hid behind a tall biker dude and watched him as he watched Mercy Brown's performance, still like stone, lost in his thoughts. He stood out, not for looking underaged, but for looking unapologetically beautiful. Three young women approached him, obviously impressed. One of them, the tall one with the good teeth and snarky t-shirt, spoke and I watched as he turned his head, annoyed by the distraction. Then he gave a polite smile and said something that made them all blush and scamper away like junior high girls. I felt the cynical, sardonic grin settle on my face as I tried to imagine what absurd comment he must have made, and then he caught me staring. I froze to the floor and he gave me that look again—the one that tells me he knows something is up. The one I can't tear myself away from, no matter how loud my conscience yells "Run, Bella!"

And then there we were, staring at each other from across a crowded bar, just like in some cliched movie, only in the cliched movies, the guy is usually old enough to legally drink. He must have had a fake ID to be in that club, and the responsible thing to do would have been to confront him and call his parents. Had I not been so wasted I might have considered doing something responsible like that. But instead I ducked out of the room and into the bathroom and prayed I could get out of there without having to speak to him, because there was no way I was hiding the fact that I was drunk. Drunk was no condition to be in when dealing with Edward Cullen.

I splashed my face with water, fixed my hair and make up and then snuck out of the club. I saw no sign of him, though just as I allowed myself to feel relieved, I turned the corner he was there, waiting.

"Let me buy you coffee," he said, halfway between amused and annoyed. It wasn't a question, nor really much of an invitation. More like an instruction.

"Um, uh," I stammered. "Hi." I was just too lit to be hanging out with a student, and mortified to be caught by Edward out at a bar, drunk and alone. I could imagine how well this would play back at school on Monday in the cafeteria. "It's pretty late, isn't it?" I asked, doing my damned best to enunciate.

"It's just after eleven," he said, slipping his arm around my shoulders as he steered me down the sidewalk, away from the club. "And I don't think it's a good idea for you to wander around here alone… right now."

"Hey, um… " was all I could say in response. It was an incredible gesture, I thought, him putting his arm around me like we were old pals. The audacity. I should have set him straight, right there and then, but I was drunk and his arm was strong and protective… and wrong and I should have slipped out from under it, I know, but I didn't, and he ignored me anyway.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as we walked.

"I came to see Mercy. She's an old friend mine," he said.

"Do your parents know you're here?" I asked.

"Of course," he said. "She's been staying with us while she's on the west coast. Why? Are you afraid I ran away from home?"

"I'm sorry," I said, feeling like an ass in the face of his sarcasm.

"Did you like the band?"

"Yeah, actually, very much. They remind me of a darker Best Coast, which I think is exactly what Best Coast needs, more darker... ness" I fumbled the words in my drunkeness. I was probably blushing, too. We walked into a cafe and took a seat.

"I'll get you a copy of her newest album," he said as we sat down in a booth. "It hasn't been released yet."

"Thanks," I said.

"What are you having?" he asked as the waiter approached.

"Just coffee," I said.

"Nothing for me," he said.

"You have to at least let me buy you coffee," I said. "I feel really… " I hesitated. 'Rescued,' was sort of the right sentiment, but it was all wrong. I knew everything about him being there, with me in that moment, was out of place.

"What?" He was entertained, almost, by my struggle to find the right words.

"I don't know," I said. "I wasn't having the best night, I guess."

"Maybe you'd be having a better night if you weren't out by yourself," he said. "Why are you here alone?"

"It's my birthday."

"And you normally spend your birthday alone?"

"No," I said, grateful as the caffeine started to kick in. "Just this one."

"Happy birthday," he said. "How many years?"

I gulped. There was really no point in evading, even if that's what I felt like doing. "Thirty."

"That's a great age," he said.

"Easy for the seventeen year old to say."

His expression softened and he changed the subject back to Mercy's set and I started to relax. Then the caffeine and the alcohol combined to loosen my tongue, too much. Edward generously gave me his unwavering attention as I gabbed about bands I used to love, and how I missed seeing live music, and all the bands I'd seen while I was in graduate school. Then I talked about my dinner at the Waterfront Grill and how I couldn't cook and the boats I admired at Bell Harbor and how I missed sailing and how I should probably look into the sailing at Port Angeles. Then I went on in great detail about the vintage Hinckley I'd seen earlier and how tempted I'd been to board it. I realized I was essentially talking about illegal breaking and entering with one of my students and caught myself, but was surprised when I saw him do something I'd never yet seen him do.

He smiled.

The waiter came with our tab and he went to pay the bill, but I wouldn't let him. "It wouldn't be appropriate, really," I said. He found this most amusing, and given my endless stream of drunken prattling, it was sort of ridiculous. "You didn't even get anything," I pointed out.

"Are you tired?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Good. I want to show you something."

"What?"

"You'll see," he said. He hailed a cab and we got in. "Bell Harbor," he said to the driver.

#

We got out of the cab and strolled along the dock. The moon shone high over the harbor, but it was just sliver, only the bottom part, like a swing in the dark sky. So many thoughts swirled in my head walking along with him. I shouldn't be doing this, was the first and foremost. Dear God in heaven, why couldn't he be 25 or better yet, 30? was right behind it.

"Oh, while we're here let me show you that vintage Hinckley," I said. "Wait until you see it. It's gorgeous."

"Yeah, I'd like to see that," he said. We strolled through the forest of masts, to the end of Pier 13 where Reckoner was gently swaying in the breeze.

"This old thing?" he said. "Really? You like this boat?"

"Oh my God, are you kidding? I am going to find a way to make a million dollars just so I can track the owner of this boat down and buy it. Then I'm going to live on it. Forget Forks. Forget land. Forget everyone. You can go around the world on a boat like this." I sighed and ran my hand along her hull. It was cold and smooth and solid. "Only problem is whoever owns it will never sell her. It'd be like selling your wife and kids."

"Hmm," he said, and then jumped into the cockpit. I'd never seen anyone move like that before. It was like I blinked and he moved eight feet, but I hadn't even blinked. Maybe the coffee hadn't helped much.

"Edward! What are you doing?" I hissed. "You can't do that! It's like breaking and entering."

"Come on, live a little." He motioned for me to come aboard and reached his hand to me. I looked around and didn't see anyone. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't thinking, really, and that was the problem. I took his hand.

Cold, cold, cold was his skin. So cold it frightened me. I pulled my hand away quickly, as if I had grabbed a block of ice. "Your hand is so cold—are you okay?"

He looked a little embarrassed, a little annoyed. "I have a medical condition. It's a circulatory problem."

"I'm sorry," I said. "It just caught me by surprise."

I reached for his hand, and he offered it again. This time when our fingers met, I didn't feel the cold. I felt the smoothness of his skin, the strength in his bones, like that hand had been around the world and back, had carried the troubles of a man five times his age. It felt like our hands held each other independent of their owners, would have trouble letting go once the task of boarding was complete.

I hopped aboard and he caught me around the waist as I swayed a little, my legs more rubbery than I'd realized. His hand still held mine firmly and then I was sort of in his arms. This could be a very, very bad thing, I thought.

"Careful," he said, as he steadied me on my feet. Could he hear my heart pounding? I felt like it was in my throat, pumping the blood up into my ears.

I pulled myself from him and forced myself to focus on the boat. Once I noticed my surroundings, I was absolutely smitten, the adrenaline of the borderline delinquent act thrilling me. I couldn't believe the detailing in the cockpit. The wheel was enormous, smooth and made of wood. Not like the steel wheels modern boats used. No modern navigation gadgets either.

"I wonder if they use a portable GPS? Wish I could see the cabin. I'll bet it's amazing," I said.

"Let's find out," he said.

"No! That's really going too far!" I put my foot down. I was not going to break into the cabin of some very wealthy person's yacht. Edward laughed and pulled out a set of keys and handed them to me. "What's this?"

"It's okay," he said. "Really, I swear the owner won't mind."

Incredulous, I opened the cabin door, and went down the companionway, into the cabin. He followed behind, eyeing me closely for a reaction.

"It's gorgeous," I said, running my hand along the teak counter of the galley. "Absolutely stunning. It's pristine, actually. Is this your father's boat?"

"No," he said. "It's mine."

"Yours?"

"I've been sailing since I was a kid. It's a good place to be alone."

"I know. It's like you can be alone, but completely absorbed," I said. "It is never lonely."

"Unless you're on your way to Tahiti and you're becalmed for two weeks," he said. "That can get tedious."

"You've singlehanded to Tahiti?"

"Yeah," he said.

"I've never done any open ocean cruising," I said. "But I will someday. As soon as I buy Reckoner from you."

"She's not for sale." He smiled. "As you guessed."

"For someone who doesn't like to talk about himself, you certainly have a lot to tell."

He smiled again, but offered nothing in response. As I began to wonder what it might take to dislodge more of his secrets, my head began to clear and nagging thoughts about professional boundaries and more weirdness back at school began to percolate. I shouldn't be here, I thought to myself. I really should not be here.

"What's wrong?" he asked, I assume noticing the absentminded hair twirling that gave my thoughts away.

"It's getting late," I said. "I should really go."

"I'll walk you back to The Ace."

I paused. I wasn't so drunk that I didn't realize he had no reason to know where I was staying. He looked at me curiously.

"Did I guess wrong? Or would you rather I call you a cab?"

"I can call a cab. I'm sober now." I blushed. "And I am really sorry you ran into me like this," I stammered. "Not that I'm sorry I ran into you." He watched me, amused as I tried to recover my manners. "I mean, I'm sorry you saw me in less than a state of professionalism."

"You mean drunk?"

"Yes, that. And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't tell anyone that you saw me drunk, though, really, I can't ask that of you." I blushed again and stared at my feet. "You did see me drunk, and it's your right to tell whoever you want whatever you want. It's my fault I was drunk out in public." In reality, I didn't want him to tell anyone he'd seen me at all. How would I explain being alone at midnight with Edward Cullen on his fifty foot yacht in Bell Harbor over the weekend? If it came out, I could be looking at something a lot more serious than another HR write up.

"Is that something you do a lot? Get drunk by yourself in public?"

I frowned at the insinuation. I wanted to deny it, but I had just been drunk in public earlier that very week.

"Well, it's my birthday," I said, my face hot with embarrassment. "I guess I'm not taking it that well, acting like a kid and all."

"Don't worry," he said. "It's our secret."

#

Monday when I came into my office there was an envelope waiting on my desk. I opened it and found an unreleased Mercy Brown CD, but nothing else. No note, no explanation. I put it in my computer's drive and listened on headphones to the first song. She sounded just like that at The Crocodile—moody, somber, sincere.

All the way home from Seattle and for too much of the night I had been thinking about Edward. Edward Cullen, the seventeen year old boy who singlehanded his own vintage yacht to Tahiti. Edward, who hung out with hip musicians in Seattle on the weekends. Edward with the ice cold touch who seemed nothing like any seventeen year old I'd ever known. Edward Cullen was beyond a curiosity to me. Not some aging out foster child with a mood disorder like I'd originally thought, but something even more mysterious.

It had been so easy to talk to him, and not just because I was drunk and lonely and would have poured my heart out then to the cab driver or the coat rack. It was like I talked to him like that every day. I couldn't stop imagining myself with him again, having coffee, in the cab, walking along the dock, in the cabin of Reckoner. My mind then wandered into the forbidden territory of what might have come next were he 25 and not 17 and I felt ashamed. Some things could not ever be.

I couldn't listen to Mercy Brown anymore because the sound of her voice made me want to talk to him again, and that just felt wrong. But as wrong as it felt, I went down to Edward's lunch period to look for him anyway. I didn't plan to speak to him. I just wanted to see him.

He was there, sitting at his usual table staring right at the cafeteria entrance almost like he was waiting for me. As soon as I saw him my heart began to thud in my chest. He gave me the slightest head nod, a quiet acknowledgement, which I returned. Then I gave him another and turned and walked down to my office without waiting to see his reaction. Within a minute there was a knock at my door.

"Come in," I said, feeling my pulse quicken.

He stepped through the door and gave me a curious look.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked as he leaned against the closed door. It was a remarkable posture he took, leaving me no escape from that little room. Not that I had any intention or desire to run. But something in the back of my mind told me that's exactly what I should be doing.

"Yes," I said. "I wanted to thank you for the CD."

"You're welcome."

"And to tell you, well… " I paused because I wasn't sure what I wanted to tell him. A lot of things, actually, but most of them not appropriate. "I've been thinking about my behavior this weekend and I want you to know how much I appreciate what you did for me."

"You're welcome."

"I know I didn't exercise the greatest judgment, allowing myself to be intoxicated in public, certainly not alone. It was a bad example to set. But it was very kind of you to get coffee with me."

"Do you always talk this much?" He wasn't being rude as much as curious, though his question did throw me. "I thought it was just because you were drunk."

"No," I said, and bit my lip. "I always talk this much. It's annoying, right?"

"No it isn't. It's interesting, though. Most psychologists are pretty tight lipped about themselves."

"I know. I'm an anomaly. I tend to err on the side of saying too much."

"Oh, I'm sure you're hiding plenty."

I quickly looked away from him but could not stop a small laugh from escaping at the truth of his words.

"You know, I haven't told anyone I found you drunk in a bar in Seattle," he said. "And I never will. You don't have to worry."

"I'm not asking you to keep it a secret" I said. "It wasn't fair of me to ask that of you."

"It doesn't matter," he said. "I would never tell anyway."

"That's not why I called you down here," I said.

"I know," he said, smiling at me in such a way that told me he really did know. He knew that the real reason I wanted him in my office was just to have him alone in my office.

And then I was suddenly, alarmingly out of things to say to him. That smile of his invaded me, made my neurons misfire and my palms itch and made me acutely aware of other, more remote parts of myself too. There was nothing to say about any of that though.

So I just smiled back.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

Hunter

My interest in Edward Cullen was going to lead me into serious trouble—this I knew just six weeks into the school year. Without my consent, several times a day my mind rifled through the moments I'd spent with him, mental images I'd filed away for safe keeping. At night when I was alone it was the worst, and thoughts of him often interrupted my sleep. I started taking more Klonopin.

I had two hypotheses about this fixation. Either something about Edward reminded me of Zack at that age, or I was sabotaging myself from getting into any relationship with promise of a future. Or both. I was afraid to fall in love again—that much was true. Investing energy into someone impossible like Edward was safe because it could never turn into a real romance. What I needed was a man who might be a possibility.

If Jake was potentially my King of Wands, I'd have to find a way to let him know I was interested without pressure. I cherished Jake's friendship and hated the idea of appearing desperate. I called him to feel him out.

"We should go see that new movie that came out."

"Which one?"

"Face Punch," I said. "Lots of action."

"I saw it with Embry and Quil last week. It sucked."

"Well how about something else?"

"There's nothing out I really want to see."

This was typical, and I wasn't dense. If a guy is interested in you, he wants to be around you. Jake wasn't interested, and I wasn't going to chase him. I had some dignity left. Not much, but some.

Derek Banner, on the other hand, had potential. He was smart and had his shit together. He was attractive in a grown up kind of way. Like you knew he paid all his bills on time, could change a tire on the side of the road, and remembered to send his mother flowers on Mother's Day.

I caught up to him after his fifth period class and asked about the Thoreau club idea.

"I've been thinking about that Kermode bear," I said. "I'd love to figure out why it was so far south. Think that might be a good project for the club?"

"That's a great idea," Derek said. "I spotted a film about Kermodes on Netflix. Why don't we get together and watch it? Then maybe we can show it to the students at our first meeting."

We decided to watch it at Derek's house, and he offered to cook. That seemed like a good sign. When I arrived Friday, he'd set a lovely table in his small dining room, which overlooked the back yard and the river.

"Mind if I say grace?" he asked before the meal.

"Of course not," I said. I hadn't said grace since I was a kid at my grandma's table, but it didn't seem at all awkward when Derek said it.

The pork tenderloin in brandy sauce he made was better than any single thing I'd ever cooked in my life. Granted, that wasn't saying much other than I was pretty sure I wouldn't do well to try and repay the favor of a home cooked meal. After dinner I helped him clean up and we sat together on the couch and watched the DVD.

"Sorry, that was no Planet Earth," Derek said. "But at least we know something about the plight of the Kermodes up in Canada now."

"Let's not make the kids suffer through that." I laughed. "But I do like the idea of studying the unusual bear activity around here. As long as it's safe."

"Right," he said. "As long as we're not having the kids take pictures at close range." He elbowed me. "It's a good opportunity to teach them some wildlife safety tips. Something you should have been taught before Hurricane Ridge."

"Ha. I carry pepper spray. That's my bear safety training from Chief Swan."

"Pepper spray is your friend in a bear attack. Luckily bear attacks are rare, unless you provoke one or it's a mother protecting cubs."

"I'll try to remember that, though hopefully I won't be in a situation where I'll need to."

"Better bring it when we hike at Lake Crescent this spring." He smiled. "Just in case."

That was a good sign. In fact, things went so well that at the end of the night I wondered if he might kiss me. I don't know why I wondered that, since he hadn't made any overtures in that direction. We'd sat on the couch for ninety minutes during a bad movie and he didn't even move to sit closer. And when I paused for a bit too long on the stoop pretending to fish for my keys as I was leaving, he just smiled and repeated that he'd had a good time.

I'd had a good time too. There was no drunken sex or inappropriate midnight ship boarding involved, but still, the company was good and the drama was nonexistent. And I could definitely deal with that.

#

We set a first Thoreau Club meeting date and hand-selected a few members to start. Mike Newton was my first choice. Mike spent a good deal of time in my office throughout his high school career, sweating over this exam, crying over this girl—most recently, Jessica. He was a good kid but his moodiness concerned me. It was beyond a normal teenager's mood swings. When he was feeling good he lit up the school like a flood light but when he was down, you had to scrape him off the pavement. Many times I'd encouraged his parents to get him into treatment but they always blew me off. Thoreau club would be a good distraction for him and an easy way for me to keep a close eye on him during his final year of high school.

We also asked Paige Lee to join. She was a good student, had a great sense of humor and both Derek and I had really enjoyed having her on the hike at Hurricane Ridge. All she had to hear was Mike was in and she was sold. Two other students, Angela Weber, a straight-A student and ivy league hopeful, and Eric Yorkie, the school's social butterfly, also joined. We thought four students would make for a good, intimate and manageable group so we started there.

For our first meeting we met after school in Derek's classroom and I pitched the bear project.

"At the store we've been hearing weird things customers are seeing with the bears," Mike said. "One guy came into the store the other day and said he found a bear sleeping next to his car. He made a bunch of noise and when the bear woke up, it didn't even move until he said he actually asked it to."

"He asked it to move, and it moved?" Paige asked. "That's impossible."

"Maybe not," I said. "I once heard a Radiolab story about this blue whale who thanked a group of divers for saving its life."

"What?" Paige said. "No way!"

"Seriously" I said. "It was trapped in about two tons of fishing line off the coast of California. The crew of a fishing boat heard about it and got a bunch of divers to try and save it. The divers worked for hours and hours, just cutting through all of this netting. They thought it was going to die before they could free it. But they managed to cut it loose, and then suddenly the whale was just gone, like it vanished.

"Then one of them saw the whale directly below him, swimming up like a submarine on the attack, but then it stopped right under him and just nudged him with its nose. Like it was thanking him. It did the same thing to every diver.

"The crazy thing is, the whale wouldn't leave. It just stayed with the divers, like it owed them something. The divers had to get back in the boat and motor away to tell the whale it was okay."

"That's incredible," Derek said.

"So maybe the bears are trying to tell us something," Mike Newton said.

"We should start tracking all of these bear incidents," Angela said. "We can get the police reports on bear sightings and just keep a log of what they're doing. Maybe there's a pattern."

"Maybe their behavior will change over time, too," Derek suggested. "And we can derive some meaning from it."

"Then we can write something up on it," Angela went on. "We can do a feature in the school paper."

"Sounds like we've got our first project," Derek said, and began making notes on the board.

I watched him write all of the kids' ideas down on the board and smiled. He looked over and caught me watching him, and I'm pretty sure I saw a small smile grace that focused face that was meant just for me.

#

My plan to invest my energy into something with potential, away from Edward Cullen? It was working. Tuesday Thoreau club meetings became the highlight of my week. Derek and I were having regular coffee dates to plan what we'd do week to week, and I was becoming as interested in deciphering the strange bear behavior as I was in deciphering the strange behavior of divorced males who wanted to regularly spend time with me but never wanted to make any moves.

From a little research, the kids learned that the bear behavior was concentrated around Forks. Charlie contacted the Port Angeles police department to compare notes for us and we were definitely seeing a spike in bear sightings they didn't have. La Push had them too, so I had another excuse to call Jacob. When I told him I was co-facilitating a club with a guy, he was suddenly, annoyingly, interested. He offered to have us bring the club to the reservation and meet with the elders to talk about the bears.

"Since when are you such a naturalist?" he asked me.

"I know, right?" I said. "I've just been getting more into it with this club."

"Does your co-facilitator have anything to do with it?" he asked.

"Maybe."

"What's his name? Maybe I don't want him coming here," he teased. "He's got too much influence over my Jersey girl."

"Oh, please," I said. "When are we getting drunk, anyway? I owe you an embarrassing moment, as I recall."

"You do, don't you?" Jake said. "But I'm swamped this weekend grading mid-terms. We'll have to try in a couple of weeks."

Typical Jake.

I hung up and leafed through a pile of paperwork trying to decide which I'd procrastinate on first, when there was a knock at my door.

"Come on in," I said, not looking up.

"Miss Swan?"

My heart stuttered and stopped as I looked up and saw Edward, perhaps the last person I'd expected. I actively avoided him since the Monday after Seattle and was just beginning to feel normal again. But there he was, closing the door to my office, trapping me inside that small space with him and all that thick, tousled hair of his and it was as if no time had passed at all.

"Well, hi there," I said, motioning to him to take a seat, feeling the smile spread across my face. "What brings you here? Is everything going okay?"

"Yeah, just fine," he said, then paused. I've never known anyone who could communicate so much with a look as Edward Cullen. All of the Cullens had that gift, but Edward was especially good at it. And this look told me, "I know you're not going to believe this, but…"

"I want to join the Thoreau club," he said.

I gave him my "no shit?" look.

"Seriously," he said. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You don't like clubs," I said. "But of course you can join. You don't need to ask—you can just come to the meetings. Do you know the other students?"

"Not very well," he said. "Angela Weber is in it, right? She's in a few of my classes. In biology she and Mr. Banner were talking about the bear project. It sounded interesting."

"It will be," I said. Undoubtedly. With Edward in the mix, there was no way this could not be interesting. "We meet Tuedays at 3:15 in Mr. Banner's room."

"I'll be there," he said.

"I'm glad you changed your mind."

"Me too," he said. Then he lingered as if he planned to say something else. "By the way, Mercy is playing in Port Angeles next month."

"Really? I didn't see that advertised anywhere."

"She promised Alice she'd play a set for her birthday. Would you like to come? I'll put you on the guest list."

"Yeah, of course," I said. "I'd love to see Mercy again."

"I'll let you know when she books the date," he said, smiling as he backed out my door.

And just like that, without thinking, without realizing what I'd actually done, I accepted a date with Edward Cullen.

#

I had to go into Port Angeles for a conference later that week and met Illeana for lunch at the Black Bird. She was late, her face flushed and panting as she rushed to meet me.

"What's wrong?" I asked. "You look like you just hiked 17 miles."

"Girl, you aren't going to believe this," she said. "I'm pregnant."

I jumped right out of my seat and and threw my arms around her. "No way!"

"Si! Can you believe it? Just took the pregnancy test today. It's brand new, don't tell anyone."

"Does Carl know?'"

"Claro que si, tonta," she said. "He died a little when I told him. He's one happy man." She blushed.

"Oh, very happy, I see. When are you due?"

"Not 'til July. I told you it's early. I could lose it, you know," she looked worried. "Ay, all that wine!"

"You'll be fine," I said. "Do you have names picked out yet?"

"Perla for a girl. I always loved that name."

"Perla Rogers. Sounds lovely. What about for a boy?"

"Edward," she said. "It's such a good solid man's name, you know? Strong sounding. Classic."

"Wow," I said, mildly stunned. I tried to ignore that little zing I felt, the one you get when you feel like the stars are aligning in some meaningful way. It was the exact feeling a girl gets when someone inadvertently mentions the name of her crush.

"What? You don't like it?" she asked.

"I love it," I said. "It's perfect."

I left lunch feeling dejected. I was happy for Illeana, but her pregnancy was another reminder of something I'd wanted but didn't have at this point in my life—a family. I was thirty and didn't even have a boyfriend.

Could things progress romantically with Derek Banner? He was easy to be around, had a good sense of humor and had a good attitude about just about everything. He was smart and the kids respected him. He was also very kind and generous with them. He'd make a great father and probably not a bad husband, either. For someone.

The person who would be really great with kids was Jacob—if he ever grew up. Bastard. Why couldn't he be into me? It would be so much easier. He was gorgeous, fun to hang out with and a terrible flirt. He knew nearly everything there was to know about me and the sex, the few times it happened, had been quite good. But he was always blowing me off for something else. Like grading papers. It just didn't make sense.

Then the vacancy in my collection of imaginary suitors was suddenly, inappropriately filled by a man who was barely a man. Edward Cullen, the high school boy who looked like a movie star and never brought a book home but got straight As and smoked in the parking lot and wouldn't surrender any of the secrets to his dark and mysterious past. What did his house look like? Did he have posters or fine art hanging on his bedroom walls? What did he do in the evenings and on weekends? What else was in his music collection? Who was his first kiss? Who was his first… had he had a first?

I really wanted to just know him, and not in any therapeutic or professional way. And that just couldn't be.

#

Tuesday, I was anxious all day anticipating Thoreau club. Would I be able to act normal around Edward? Would our strange meeting in Seattle ever surface? Would he bring up the Mercy Brown show?

In Derek's lab after school I took a seat and waited, nervously tapping my pen on the table until I caught a strange look from Derek. He smiled at me.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," I said. "Too much coffee this afternoon."

"They make decaf, you know," he teased.

"By the way, Edward Cullen is joining Thoreau Club," I said.

"Really?" He was surprised. "Well, I never would have expected that."

Mike walked in with Jessica, who had also decided to join. This would make Mike happy only as long as Jessica didn't dump him, but it would make poor Paige miserable. Angela and Erik strolled in together and several agonizingly long minutes later, Edward walked into the room and sat in the chair directly across from me and smiled. Did my heart actually stop for a few beats?

"Glad you made it," I said as casually as I could.

"Thanks," he said.

The other students were surprised and rather pleased that a Cullen had joined their group. The Cullens were minor celebrities at Forks High by this point in the year, often dished about and rarely spoken to.

"Welcome Mr. Cullen, Miss Stanley," Derek said. "We'll catch you up on what we're doing here."

Angela laid out an enormous local map, on which she'd marked the areas of concentrated bear activity. She recounted several stories of bear sightings from around Forks, Port Angeles and Olympic National Park that she'd collected from the police and from the National Park Service. Forks and La Push definitely had seen a spike in bear sightings far above what was being reported in the rest of the county.

"La Push?" I said. "We should go out there next week. My close friend can probably get us a meeting with the elders to talk about what they've been seeing."

"Who's your friend?" Edward asked.

"Jacob Black," I said. "Our families go back a long time."

"Oh," Edward said.

"Do you know him?"

"I was just curious," he said.

"Did you hear any any reports of the Kermode bear?" I asked Angela.

"You know, nobody believed me when I told them about that," she said. "They said it's not possible. I need to send them your photos from Hurricane Ridge."

"Seriously, it's not like we don't have evidence," Paige said.

"So we have one Kermode bear sighting, which is crazy since they don't live down here," Erik said. "And a record breaking number of bear sightings around Forks and La Push since the summer, but no reports of any human getting hurt."

"Do you think those things are connected?" I asked.

"Who knows?" Angela said. "Maybe there's some explosion in the bear population, and that lead to the genetic variant for Kermodes being carried this far south. Or maybe something else is causing the existing bears to gravitate more towards humans."

For the first time in the meeting I noticed Edward fidget a little in his seat, almost as though the topic had become uncomfortable for him. But he said nothing. Derek started writing down things on the board.

"People, we need some hypotheses to start with," he said.

"Ugh, Mr. Banner, do you have to make it feel like homework?" Jessica said.

"If we consider Miss Swan's story about the blue whale, then one hypothesis is that the bears are trying to tell us something," Angela said. "Maybe the bears losing their fear of humans is the message."

"Yes, but what might the message mean?" Derek pressed them.

"We miss you?" Angela tentatively suggested and Paige and Erik laughed.

"That's stupid," Jessica said. "Bears don't even like humans."

"You don't really know that," Edward said quietly. Mike glared at him, presumably for crossing his girlfriend, but Edward ignored him.

"Do we really know how bears feel about anything? Can we even argue that they have emotions the way humans do?" Derek asked.

"Yes," I said. "I think they do."

"Based on what evidence?" Derek asked.

"I don't know," I said. "It's just a gut feeling."

"Well, this is science." Derek said. "Feelings don't count unless they're backed by evidence."

"Fair enough," I said.

"So, what—we're doing a bear feelings project now?" Mike rolled his eyes. "Miss Swan, does everything have to be related to feelings?"

I laughed. "Well, what's your hypothesis then?"

"I think the bears are trying to warn us about something," he said.

"About what?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said. "Maybe there's some new threat in their environment."

"Like global climate change?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Something more immediate."

"Like what?" I asked. "Some type of predator?"

"Hunters," he said.

"There are hunters every hunting season," I said. "But this is no typical hunting season behavior, right Edward?"

"Right," he said and nodded. "I've never seen anything like it."

"You're a bear hunter?" Paige asked.

"Not exactly," he said. "My family has done a lot of hunting of big game, mostly up in Alaska."

"So what do you make of the bears, then?" Paige asked him.

"I think Angela and Mike are both right," Edward said.

"That's a cop out," Mike said.

"Whatever," Edward said, dismissively. Mike glared at him, but Edward just kept his expression casual and unaffected. It was real obvious Mike didn't like him, and just as clear that Jessica could not take her eyes off of him the entire length of the meeting. But I couldn't blame her for that.

"Okay, we've got two different hypotheses," Derek said, writing them on the board. "Let's try to make the best cases we can for each of these."

The kids began to debate all the possible interpretations of the bears' behavior as I considered all the possible interpretations of Edward Cullen's behavior. What was he doing here? I tried to tell myself that he was just there because he had an interest in philosophy and nature. I could see that fit his personality. But he wasn't very social, and that was the mystery here.

I did my best to keep my eyes off of him, not completely because that would look as suspicious as looking at him too much. It took all of my resolve to hold myself in check when I was that close to him, and now I faced being in this situation with him every Tuesday afternoon. So much for Thoreau club distracting me from thinking too much about him.

Derek wrapped the discussion and we adjourned. I went back to my office to grab my bag and stepped out into the empty hallway to see Edward, leaning against a locker, waiting for me.

"Hi," I said, my palms tingling. We walked together out to the parking lot. "What did you think of the meeting?"

"Interesting," he said. "I learned a lot."

"Oh?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm glad I joined."

"I wonder what we'll find out at La Push," I said as we approached my car. The smile faded a little from his face.

"I'm interested to hear what you find out."

"You're not coming?"

"I can't make it next week," he said. "Dentist appointment."

My heart sank, right through the bottom of my feet, and he was smiling again. And I was confused again, about what was actually happening between us, and whether it was one sided on my part or whether I was in the middle of a much bigger problem than I originally realized.

"I'll come back in two weeks," he said, leaning on the hood of my car as I put my bag inside. "Don't worry."

Yes. The problem at hand was much bigger than I originally thought.

Derek strolled out of the building and over to his car across the parking lot. He saw us and waved, and I waved back.

But Edward didn't.

#

I arranged for the meeting with the elders of the Quileute tribe the following week after school. Jacob came out of the Tribal Council office and immediately sized up Derek with a heartier than necessary handshake and a not so subtle once over. Then he picked me up in an embarrassing bear hug. The kids laughed as I tried to hide my blushing face. If there was a more obvious signal that Jacob had tapped this ass, I couldn't think of what it was. I had to hand it to Derek though, he just smiled, politely, at Jacob's nonsense.

Billy and a couple of the other Quileute elders, Sam Uley and Quil Ateara Senior, introduced themselves. They were interested to hear what the kids had dug up about the bear activity because they had been dealing with a lot of bear weirdness at La Push too, doing things like hanging out in people's outbuildings, wandering up onto their porches. From the looks of things there was more bear activity in La Push than in all of Clallam County.

The kids started talking about their ideas that the bears were warning people of some danger or simply wanting to be near them, and the elders were even more interested. Their discussion reminded me of an old Quileute legend I thought might be of interest to the kids.

"Don't you have a legend about shape shifters?" I asked Jacob. "I read something about that in the book Billy gave me for my birthday."

This piqued the kids' attention—especially Mike's.

"Quileutes are supposedly descended from wolves," Jake explained. "The legend says when a certain danger presented itself to the tribe, some of the members took on the form of a wolf form in order to offer protection. There are some legends from other tribes where people have taken other forms. Birds, snakes. No bears that I know of, though."

"Do you have members in wolf form now?" Mike asked.

"They're just stories, Mike," Jacob laughed, and the elders smiled kindly at my small pack of eager students.

"Well, I've been doing some research on this," Mike said. "And I found out that there's an old Cherokee clan called the Ani Tsa' gu that disappeared into the woods and became bears."

"Why would they do that?" Paige asked.

"I don't know. It was hundreds of years ago, supposedly. And this was a legend from the midwest, like Wisconsin. Do you know anything about that?"

"Tell us the story," Jake said.

"Well, supposedly there was a kid, a member of this clan, and he would disappear for hours and hours every day. He started growing long brown hair all over his body and his parents told him to stay out of the woods, but he said he couldn't, that he'd already begun some kind of transformation.

"Then he asked his parents to join him. He told them that they were always struggling because there was never enough food to go around, but if they transformed, they would never be without. So his parents went to the council, and the council made a choice to leave and to go into the woods with the boy.

"There were neighboring clans that saw them leaving and they called to them, begging them to change their minds. They were afraid they'd be lost forever. But the clan was already beginning to transform. And then they were gone.

"Weeks later, some members of the clan came back to the settlement and said,

'Where we have gone, there is always plenty for all of us. From now on, we will be known as bears and when you are hungry and in need, come into the woods and call us and we will come give you our own flesh. Don't be afraid to kill us, for we will live on always.'"

"Real spirit bears," I said in a hushed voice.

"I've heard that legend," Billy said quietly.

"The elders gave special songs to the clans to call the bears in times of need. But the clan was never seen or heard from again. Just the bears."

Angela took notes furiously as Mike spoke. "But we're in the Pacific Northwest," she said, looking up from her notebook. "You said this clan was from Wisconsin?"

"Sure, but let's say they really did become bears," Mike said. "Bears are nomadic. They can move anywhere. Over hundreds of years, why couldn't they migrate west?"

"Good work, Mike," Derek said, redirecting the line of thinking a little. "We should look at some of the themes of these legends and see how they inform modern philosophy regarding how we live today."

"What if someone was invoking the bear call, and not knowing it?" Angela asked, her face pinched in concentration under her horn rimmed glasses.

"Over the entire county?" Derek said.

"Well? Why not?" I said. "Maybe the bear call isn't just one person singing a song or making a noise. Maybe our culture—the way we live—somehow signals to the bears that we are in need."

"But we aren't," Paige said.

"Yeah," Erik added. "We aren't starving, for the most part."

"Maybe we need something else," I suggested. "Not physical comforts."

"Yeah, but what?" Paige said.

"Maybe we need protection," Mike Newton said.

"It's getting late," Derek said. "We'd better get going."

"Thanks for the visit," Billy smiled. "We enjoyed talking with you."

Jacob walked us out to the cars and hooked his arm around my shoulders. "You should bring the kids out here again," he said. "They're a great group." He reached his hand out to Derek again. "Nice to meet you."

"Sure thing," Derek said.

"Bella, don't make plans for Friday," Jake said. "I'm taking you to dinner."

"I'm busy," I said, utterly annoyed. It didn't phase him.

"Saturday then." He kissed me on the cheek.

In the car, Paige and Erik teased, "Woohoo, Miss Swan has a boyfriend!" From the corner of my eye, I surveyed Derek for a reaction, but found none I could decipher.

"No, I definitely do not have a boyfriend," I said. "More like an annoying younger brother." Still no reaction from Derek. "I've known Jacob Black since I was born. That's why he thinks he can act like a fool. It's a childhood friend thing."

"Yeah, sure Miss Swan," Paige teased.

"I thought he was awesome," Mike said. "You should go out with him."

"Okay, that's enough dating advice for Miss Swan," Derek finally interjected.

"Not that I don't need it," I teased them.

Damn that Jake. As soon as he thought I might be unavailable, he was interested. Then I laughed at myself. I understood how he felt. We always want what we think we can't have.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

Masquerade

The following morning Edward was waiting for me outside my office. I was getting better at acting normal around him. At least, I didn't feel stunned every time I ran into him now.

"Are you late to work every day?" he asked.

"Good morning," I said. "And yes."

He followed me inside, closing the door behind us.

"How was La Push? Did you learning anything interesting?"

"Yeah, we did, actually." And then I told him the story about the bear legend that Mike shared, and how the black bears had been assembling out at La Push. He seemed quite interested, but he didn't ask any questions. Then he told me that Mercy Brown had scheduled a date for Port Angeles. We talked about her new album for awhile, and then before I realized it, half an hour had gone by as we gabbed and Edward hadn't been to class yet.

"Did you come down here for any reason in particular?" I asked him. "You've missed most of first period."

"Have I?" he said. "I suppose I'll be needing a pass then."

"Right," I said, and started to write one out. I looked up at him and gave him a pointed look.

"What?" he asked.

"Why did you come down here, anyway?"

"To give you this," he said, and pulled a flier out of his pocket for Mercy's show. "So you can put it in your calendar."

I opened up my calendar and marked down the date and could feel him watching me as I did, could feel it like a breeze through the window on the back of my neck. I shuddered and realized I was actually nervous about something. About him.

"Is everything okay?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, and recovered myself. I gave him a smile. "Everything is just fine."

But it wasn't. And I don't think he believed me, but he left without discussion.

Hardly ten seconds later there was a knock at my door and I thought—hoped—he'd come back. But instead Red stuck his head in.

"You were meeting with the Cullen kid?" he asked. My heart sped up a little more.

"Yeah," I said.

"Well?" he asked.

"Well what?"

"What do you think? Have you found anything else out about the family?"

"Not really," I said.

"Those kids make me nervous," Red said. "Keep an eye on them."

"Right."

I would be keeping an eye on that one, anyway. He could count on it.

#

Saturday night came but I hadn't heard from Jake all week. I'd expected as much, but was still annoyed at him for making such a big show like we were actually dating when nothing could be farther from the truth. What really pissed me off was that he could date me if he was interested. But he wasn't. I sent him a text Saturday evening.

"so you're picking me up, right?"

"omg. sorta forgot."

"…"

"i'm pretty wasted."

"already?"

"watching the game"

"you totally owe me."

"i know, I suck. i'm really sorry. tomorrow?"

"i have plans."

Which was a lie, but fuck him anyway. I didn't want him thinking I was sitting around all weekend waiting for him to decide he had time for me. I wasn't. I was sitting around all weekend stressing about Edward Cullen.

Having Edward in Thoreau club should have been a good thing. As I got to know him, the familiarity should have ripped big gaping holes in my fantastic perception of him. I was clearly in the position of advisor, and this should have helped me view him more as a student—a kid.

But it wasn't working. He was too different from the other kids. Not simply better looking or better dressed or more mature, though he was those things too. He was quiet and attentive. He opened doors and pulled out chairs for the girls when they came in the room. He didn't interrupt people when they were talking. When Mike goaded him into conflict, he avoided it like a sage politician. Whenever he spoke, it was to the point.

And though Mike continued to be rude to him, Edward did become almost friendly with Erik, Angela, Paige and Jessica. They did things like stop in the halls to chat between classes and say hello in the morning. In this sense, Edward's involvement in the Thoreau club had been a great success. He was no longer the lonely emo boy, and this I gladly reported back to Red.

But it didn't mean anything in terms of his mystery. He still never revealed anything about himself, about what he did outside of school or where he'd come from. Things I still very much wanted to know.

#

"Miss Swan, you're on chaperone detail for the Winter Ball this year," Red informed me.

"No problem," I said.

"I put Derek on too," he said and watched for my reaction.

"Great," I said.

It had become obvious to my coworkers that Derek and I were spending a lot of time together. And the more time we spent together, the more I liked him. Though he wasn't exactly my type, he was the a type I could grow to like—a very practical sort of guy who liked to make lists and actually do the things on the lists. He did things like plan weeks in advance the discussion topics for Thoreau Club, keeping a separate manilla folder with a typed label for each week, with articles and websites related to whatever the topic was. His classroom and his house were impeccably neat, but not so clean you felt uncomfortable. He never cursed. He drove a Subaru wagon and he didn't even have kids. He went to bed early. He was the picture of stability and I appreciated that. It was comforting.

Back in the faculty lounge as I pondered all of this, Derek came and sat with me. "Are you assigned to the Winter Ball?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm going as the White Witch from Narnia."

"Do you think any of these kids will know who that is?"

"The handful of them who like to read will," I said. "Forget the rest of them. I hear you're on duty too."

"Yeah," he said. "I'll have to go as Aslan, now." He smiled.

"So what time are you picking me up then?" I teased him.

"How's seven?"

This was just what I needed, I told myself. A good, reliable man who was age appropriate and might even be interested in me.

"Perfect."

#

The Forks High School Winter Masquerade Ball was my favorite dance of the year. It was almost as big of a deal as prom. It was a way to keep the holidays magical without having to deal with the risky territory of politically incorrect holiday themes. Kids were allowed to come in any kind of costume they wanted, but they had to be in costume to get in.

I decked myself out in white face paint and wore a white wig and crown. Illeana loaned me an ice blue gown and white stole and even I had to admit I looked fabulous. Like a terrifying ice queen. Derek looked hilarious in his mane and crown, and contrary to his prediction, many of the kids did know who we were supposed to be. They'd seen the movie.

The high school gym had been transformed into a winter-themed night club complete with fake snow banks and paper cut snow flakes, fake smoke and blue lights everywhere. Most of the faculty and staff came, whether they were assigned to the party or not. That's how it usually was, since Forks wasn't exactly a top night spot. It was something for all of us to do.

As the kids rolled in we saw the usual showing of Christmas elves. There were two Ralphies from A Christmas Story and one Grinch. Then came the kids from Thoreau club. They all came together, except for Edward, each one dressed up as white bears.

"What do you think?" Mike Newton asked. "Pretty good, right? Are you surprised?"

I choked up a little when I saw them all. Jessica handed each of the other bears a stack of flyers that described the Thoreau club and the work they'd done on the bear project, along with a plea to get involved in environmental causes. Red came over to talk to the students, and he was so proud he made an announcement at the break, congratulating them for their enthusiasm and their commitment to conservation.

A few of the kids, most notably Paige, noticed that Derek and I had coordinated our costumes. At the punch bowl, she came over to me and whispered, "So, Mr. Banner, huh? Not Jacob Black then?"

"Shhh," I whispered back. "Don't tell anyone, but I am secretly an old maid. I'm not actually dating either of these guys, but you don't have to go spreading that boring and pathetic fact around, okay?"

She laughed. "Okay, okay," she said. "But you should be."

I waved her away. "Go dance or something."

The music was blaring and the party was in full swing when suddenly all of the kids stopped moving, like the needle had been dragged off the turntable. But it hadn't.

The Cullens had arrived.

Most of them, anyway. Edward wasn't there, much to my disappointment.

Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie were decked out in black capes with extra big fangs, fake blood dripping from the corners of their mouths. The girls wore outrageous make-up and had their hair tangled into rats nests on their heads. Jasper and Emmett had slicked back hair and tuxedoes under their capes. They looked amazing and terrifying.

Red came over to me and whispered in my ear, "What the hell is wrong with those kids, anyway?"

"They can do horror if they want. The theme is masquerade, not necessarily holiday."

"But still," he started, but stopped talking because then they started to dance. And when I say they started to dance, I mean that the entire student body cleared the dance floor and formed a circle around them as they broke out into an acrobatic number that looked like it was choreographed by Randy Jackson himself. They were incredible. Emmett threw Rosalie into the air and she twisted and contorted her body and landed perfectly in his arms. Jasper and Alice were turning coordinated flips. Those kids could move like demons. The sheer joy and enthusiasm they expressed in their movement was infectious. All of the kids began to cheer them on and they just kept going.

"There's something very wrong here," Derek said, coming up to us.

"I know," Red said. "But I can't figure out what it is."

"Come on," I said, annoyed. "They're not doing anything wrong. So they're good dancers. What's the problem?"

"Go talk to them," he said. "Find out how they learned to do that."

I couldn't deny I was curious. When the song was over, they all started to dance normally, though certainly much better than any high school student or adult outside of professional dancing that I'd ever seen. I broke into the crowd to where they were.

"Hey, Miss Swan," Emmett smiled at me.

"Hi, Miss Swan," Alice chirped over the music. "You look amazing!"

"Thanks," I said. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure," Alice followed me off the dance floor. "I told Edward he should have come. He can be such a recluse sometimes."

"Well maybe dancing isn't his thing," I said.

"He can dance better than the rest of us," she said.

"How did you all learn to dance like that?" I asked.

"Oh… " she hesitated, then got that weird look on her face, like the first time I saw her. "Are you here with Mr. Banner?"

"Um," I wasn't sure how to answer. "He gave me a ride here, yes."

She leaned in close so nobody else would hear her. "Not him," she said, her tone not grave, but definitely serious.

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Mr. Banner," she said, rolling her eyes. "Look, I'm sorry because I know I'm being forward, but trust me on this one. He's not right for you."

"Well, gosh," I said, a little more sarcastically than probably necessary. "I guess I'll have to call off the wedding then."

"What?" she exclaimed, like I'd told her the earth was about to implode right beneath our feet there in the school gym. "You're kidding, right? You're not engaged."

"No, Alice. I'm not even dating."

"I'm sorry," she said. "It was a thought and it hit me and it just came out, you know? Sometimes that happens before I can stop myself from talking."

"I understand." I wondered if she was stoned, but no stoned person would be able to move like she did on the dance floor. "But as I recall, I was asking you a question about the Cullen troupe's dance skills." I smiled and tried to make her feel more at ease.

"Right," she said. "We used to do a lot of dance competitions back when we lived in Alaska. We all trained in acrobatics together. Kept us busy in the long winters."

"It takes a long time to learn to dance like that," I said. "How old were you when you all started?"

"I don't remember," she said. "It was some years ago I guess. We're fast learners. Plus we did it all the time, you know? Carlisle and Esme feel that physical activity is good for keeping kids out of trouble. We got pretty good, right?"

"I'll say."

"Yeah, we used to win all sorts of awards for it. There's not much to do with it here, though, and Coach Clapp gets pretty mad when we breakdance in gym class."

"No doubt," I said.

"Miss Swan," she said, turning serious for a moment. "He's a perfectly nice guy. He's just not the one."

"Alice," I said, recognizing a potential clusterfuck of emotional upheaval. "I'm not looking for the one. I know where he is—Arlington Cemetery."

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm really, really sorry."

"It's okay," I said. "And Mr. Banner and I are just friends, anyway."

"He's totally into you, though," she said. "Like most of the men in this school."

"Now you really sound crazy. Go break dance with Rosalie before Clapp turns you into a pumpkin."

#

It was late when Derek brought me home, but I invited him in for a drink anyway.

"I don't drink," he said. "But I'd love a cup of tea."

"Great," I said. We went in and I put the kettle on. I decided against a glass of wine.

"That was fun," I said.

"I wonder why Edward Cullen didn't go," he said. "I've had my doubts about that kid."

"Because he wouldn't come to a dance?" I asked.

"No, not that. He just seems so secretive. Like he's dishonest, you know? All of the Cullens give me that vibe."

"Well, we don't really know them. They've only been in the area a few months."

"Six months," he said. "And I really don't like the way Rosalie and Emmett and Alice and Jasper are clearly couples, either. That's inappropriate, I don't care if they are adopted."

"Maybe it's not for us to judge," I said, feeling strangely defensive. "We don't know the whole story there. They're all great students, never really any trouble, right?"

"Edward smokes," he said. "So does Jasper."

"Lots of kids smoke. It's dumb, but it doesn't make them trouble, automatically." He got quiet. I had no intention of arguing with Derek tonight. I was hoping to make some progress moving our friendship onto something else.

"You're right," he finally said. "I'm being too judgmental."

I put my hand out and covered his in a gesture that I hope signaled understanding. "They are unusual, I have to admit." He looked up at me.

"So how was your date with Jacob Black?" he asked, pulling his hand away from mine.

"It never happened," I said. "I'm not dating Jacob."

"He didn't act that way," he said.

"Yeah, well, he can be an idiot sometimes. Most of the time," I said. "We're just friends, trust me."

Derek smiled. "You really do look great in that costume," he said. "I don't think that my version of Aslan does you justice."

"Are you kidding? You make a great Aslan. I am totally acquiescing the throne to you, right now. I hereby declare winter to be over." I pulled my crown and the wig from my head, in a gesture of mock defeat.

He laughed and unfastened his mane.

"Do you mind waiting here a minute? I just want to wash some of this cake makeup off my face before I end up with hives or something."

"Sure," he said. I went into the bathroom and washed my face and ran a brush through my tangled hair.

"Thanks," I said, coming back to the kitchen. "Do you want to bring your tea inside? We can hang out in the living room. I'll start a fire."

"Okay," he said. "If you don't mind, can I use your bathroom and wash off some of my handiwork too?"

"Of course," I said, and pointed the way back. "Hey, we should start planning that Lake Crescent trip," I yelled back to him. "I think the kids will be really into it."

"Yeah," he called from the bathroom. "I'll be right out."

I built a fire in my fireplace, something I'd only done a few times since I'd lived there, and not since last winter. I watched as the paper caught fire and lit the log over it. The house began to fill with smoke. "Shit," I said under my breath and ran to open windows.

"Did you open the flue?" he asked. Like an idiot, of course I'd forgotten. Derek came running out and had a coughing fit. He ran to the fireplace and opened the flue while I opened every window and door in the house and broke out a fan.

"I'm sorry!" I said. "I don't build a lot of fires here." He kept coughing and coughing. He was having trouble catching his breath. "Derek?" He was starting to look panicked as he kept hacking away. "Derek, come on. Let's get in the car. I'm taking you to the ER." I wasn't sure if he was having an asthma attack or what was going on, but I helped him to my car and sped the half mile over to the hospital.

I walked him in, and the attending doctor could see he was in need of immediate assistance with the trouble he was having breathing. They brought him to the back for evaluation and I waited, wondering at the strange sight we must have been in our Narnia garb.

About 20 minutes later an extremely good looking young doctor came out to speak to me.

"Hi Miss Swan, I'm Dr. Cullen," he said. "I want to update you about your friend. He asked me to come speak to you."

"Dr. Cullen," I said. "Of course. I know your kids—I work at the high school."

"Yes, I know," he said, "Edward's told us all about you," he smiled and I smiled back, a bit freaked out, not having any idea what Edward might have said. "He's really enjoying Thoreau club."

"How is Derek?"

"He's resting comfortably now," he said. "He had an asthma attack brought on by the smoke. We gave him a nebulizer treatment and he's much better."

"I didn't know he had asthma."

"Neither did he, apparently. I can bring you back to see him."

Dr. Cullen walked me back through the Emergency Room into the little stall where Derek lay, an oxygen mask over his face. He looked much better than he did when we got there.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, looking embarrassed. "That's never happened to me before."

"No, I'm sorry. I'm the idiot who almost burned the house… oh my God." I realized I hadn't done anything to make sure the fire was out in the fireplace. I dialed Charlie in a panic. It was midnight.

"Dad, I need you to go into my house and make sure it's not on fire!"

"What the hell are you talking about, Bella?"

"I can't explain but would you please go over and make sure the fire in the fireplace is out?"

"I'll be right there. Wait. Where are you?"

"In the Emergency Room."

"Bella, what the hell is going on?"

"I'm fine—everything is fine. Please just go and I'll explain later." I hung up the phone. "Gah, I'm sure I'll be a great asset to the Lake Crescent backcountry expedition with my fire building skills." He laughed and reached out for my hand, which surprised and pleased me. I took his hand, which was warm, his skin was soft. He squeezed mine lightly.

"You'll be great in the backcountry," he said. "You've got the right attitude."

Dr. Cullen came in and Derek pulled his hand away, which I figured was because he was the parent of five of our students, and he didn't want anyone to know we were—what? In the ER together?

"You're free to go," he said. "Take this inhaler with you and use as directed. You'll need to follow up with your primary."

"Thanks," Derek said.

Charlie called me back and told me everything at the house was fine. Didn't even look like I'd started a fire, he said. I thought that was weird. I drove Derek back to my house to get his car. I'd offered to drive him home, but he didn't take me up on it.

"I'm fine now," he said. "And despite everything, you know, I had a good time."

"Me too," I said. Derek smiled and leaned in to give me a kiss, and my heart fluttered a little. Then he stopped.

"Is this okay?" he asked.

"Yes, definitely," I said.

His lips were warm and soft, like his hands. The kiss wasn't too fast, like someone who really doesn't want to kiss you. It wasn't the start of a make out session, either. It was sort of a medium paced kiss. The kind you give someone when maybe you're trying the kiss out. Like if it goes well, you might give another, and then another, and then the next thing you know you're hoping that just-in-case condom at the bottom of your purse hasn't expired.

But I didn't get the second kiss, just the first kiss, which wasn't too wet, but not completely dry. It didn't have any tongue in it, which would have been all wrong right then anyway. It was a perfectly decent kiss, and I would have been happy to have a second, but that wasn't the way Derek operated, apparently. Because when he pulled back from me, he was definitely smiling, like we'd passed the first kiss test.

I could only assume the second kiss would have to be earned in some other way, probably by some other outing that didn't end with one of us in the ER.

#

I went to school the following Monday wondering what would happen when I saw Derek at school. Would he have any kind of bounce in his step? Would he go out of his way to see me? Would I go out of my way to run into him? I didn't see him when I first got to school, but then I hardly ever did, so now I had to wonder when the first opportunity might be to run into him and how it would go. I was in my office considering how I might put myself in his way when I had an unexpected visit. It was Edward, clearly perturbed about something.

"I'm quitting Thoreau Club," he said.

"Why? What happened?"

"Nothing," he said, pacing my little office, running his hand absently through his wild hair. I could watch him do that for hours, I thought, but then pushed the thought away. "I need the time to study. It's a lot of extra time right now for me."

"Don't," I said.

"Why not?"

I wasn't sure what to say. All I knew was that I wanted him around, and that was a desire I couldn't voice.

"We're going to apply for credit because of all the work you guys have been doing on the bear project. So you'll be able to put the time towards graduation requirements."

"Is that the only reason?"

"Of course not," I said. "I'll miss having you there."

He took a seat on my couch.

"So, I hear you and Mr. Banner are dating."

Ah ha. I'd wondered if Edward was nursing a crush and was happy to know at least it hadn't been one sided, as fucked up as that felt. I tried to stifle a smile.

"Is that so?" I said.

"Is it true?"

"Edward," I said gently, "this isn't a line of questioning I can answer for you."

"Fine," he said. "Are you still coming to the Mercy Brown show?"

"Yes," I said. "Of course."

"Good. I'll introduce you. She loves to meet new fans."

"You should be her manager, or her publicist or something." I said. "You should get a commission for every new fan you bring into the Mercy Brown fold."

"I just do it for love," he said, his mood lighter. Maybe I was wrong about the crush after all.

"Lucky girl," I said.

#

That afternoon, I planted myself in the faculty lounge during Derek's break, hoping to run into him. He came in and gave me a smile and sat down next to me, but otherwise seemed the same. He talked about possible day trips for Thoreau Club and made other small talk, and then there was a moment when we were alone.

"Are you busy Friday night?" he finally asked.

"Yeah, actually, I am," I said. I could have invited him out with me to see Mercy Brown. In fact, I should have done that. The fact that I had no intention of doing that should have troubled me far more than it did.

Derek's face told of his disappointment and I said, "I'm free the rest of the weekend."

"How about dinner Saturday?"

"Definitely."


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

Mercy

Friday night I met Illeana and Carl at the club in Port Angeles. I didn't go alone, because there was a real possibility of running into people I knew in Port Angeles and last thing I needed was to be seen out at a club with a student by myself. Besides, Illeana had become a big Mercy Brown fan since I'd pushed her new album on her and she would have been pissed if I hadn't told her she was playing.

We took our seats and I spotted Edward up near the stage, sitting at a cluster of small tables with his entire family, chatting with Mercy Brown. Mercy was leaning into Edward, and I had to assume they were an item. With her flawless pale skin and rich chocolate brown hair, she looked like she belonged with them.

I almost regretted that I hadn't invited Derek. It would have been nice to have a date. It was a little sad to be there watching Illeana and Carl in their new baby glow all on my own. I looked up and was caught by surprise to see Edward standing at our table.

"Miss Swan," he said. "Glad you could make it. No Mr. Banner?"

"Hi," I said. "I brought my friends, Dr. and Mr. Rogers."

"Pffft, call me Illeana," she said as she smiled at him. "This is my husband Carl. Nice to meet you. This singer is your friend?"

"Yes," Edward said. "She's like family to us."

"She's got a future," Illeana gushed. "Bella sent me her CD and I am addicted to it. With those looks and that voice, she's going places."

"I agree," Edward said.

"She's your girlfriend?" Illeana asked. Nice and subtle, she was.

"No, just an old friend." He glanced at me briefly, but I did not miss it. Then Alice bounced across the room, all sparkles and smiles, as usual.

"Hi, Miss Swan! How cool of you to come see Mercy! She came down to play a set for my birthday."

"Happy birthday, Alice." I smiled. "What a great gift."

"You have to come to our table," she said. "She wants to meet you."

"She does?"

"Yeah, Edward told her all about you." Alice giggled and Edward rolled his eyes. Now I was worried. Told her about finding me drunk at her last show?

"I told her you had a fine appreciation for music," Edward reassured me. "She likes to meet new fans."

"I'd love to meet her," I said.

We walked over to the Cullen encampment up by the stage. Walking into a cluster of such perfectly formed human beings was unsettling. They all looked refined to an ultimate degree—like their heavenly bodies, their ideal selves, could do no better. They looked unreal. Maybe I should lay off the Klonopin, I thought.

"Miss Swan, we're so glad you could make it," Dr. Cullen said.

"Thanks Dr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle. This is my wife, Esme."

Esme nodded and gave me a big smile. "The kids have all said such nice things."

"Well, that's very nice to hear." I was not convinced, especially when Rosalie gave a little snort and looked away. "They're great kids," I said. "Impeccable grades and a whole host of hidden talents. Half the student population thinks they're secretly superheroes. Some of the faculty too, actually." They all laughed. Even Rosalie cracked a satisfied smile. "And now I understand the talented Miss Mercy Brown is also a friend of yours?"

"Yes, she's a dear," Esme said. "She comes to stay with us whenever she plays Seattle. She and Edward sit in the music room for hours straight playing."

"Esme," Edward said, somewhat embarrassed. "Don't… "

"Edward's an enormous musical talent, but too modest," Carlisle interrupted. "You should get him to play some of his compositions for you. They're very good."

"Really?" I looked at Edward. "You sure do have a lot of secrets." The entire table burst out into laughter, the magnitude of which made no sense to me.

"He's an enigma," Alice said, and bonked him on the head with the palm of her hand. Then she put her arm around Jasper, who remained quiet and removed. He didn't look entirely comfortable being at the coffee house, like he'd sort of been dragged there. But somehow the sight of him put me at ease.

Just then Mercy Brown came back out from behind stage. She looked a lot smaller than I remembered her from Seattle. I suppose being right next to her took away a little of her stage aura.

"Is this her?" she asked, looking right at me, a devilish smile, her eyes lit like flames. "She's delicious."

"I love your music," I said. "I've got your entire catalogue on repeat on my iPod. I think I'm a little obsessed."

"Perfect!" she said. "You've got to sit right up front here. I want a completely honest critique after the show. Don't go easy on me!"

I laughed. She was immensely likable, in addition to talented and beautiful. I sort of hated her, but it was difficult given how alluring she was. "I'm with here friends," I said, and motioned to Illeana and Carl, who appeared to be completely lost in some conversation, likely related to nursery decorating and assorted baby registry details. I was glad to have some other folks to talk to. Mercy looked over at Illeana and gave a low squeal.

"Oooh, your friend is expecting, how wonderful!" she said. "Or has she not told anyone yet?" She bit her lip regretfully. "It's still early. Ah, my big mouth." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "It's a girl."

I laughed and shook my head, feigning ignorance, and hoping to cover some of my amazement. Mercy smiled and floated over to the side of the stage and started to prepare herself for the performance.

Edward pulled out a chair for me.

"Please," he said. "Make yourself at home."

I sat down, and Edward went over to Illeana and Carl and invited them to join us. Illeana looked up at me and waved and motioned they'd stay where they were. Clearly they didn't mind having a little time to themselves. I suppose they were savoring it now since that would be over in about eight months.

Edward sat next to me and said softly, "I'm glad you came." I smiled and nodded, and tried to contain what I was feeling because I knew it was something I shouldn't be feeling and something I sure didn't want to be expressing. The lights dimmed and Edward leaned over again and whispered, "Enjoy the show." Then he hopped up out of his seat and strode up onto the stage and picked up an acoustic guitar. The lights dimmed and Mercy stood in front of the microphone.

"Good evening everyone," Mercy said. "Thank you so much for joining us. I'm Mercy Brown and tonight I'm accompanied by my dear old friend on guitar, Edward Cullen. Please make him feel welcome." The room broke out into applause and Edward looked up and gave a small wave. "I also have to say happy birthday to my dear friend Alice, who is… " she looked down to where we were sitting to spot Alice in her chair. "How old are you again? 193?"

The crowd laughed and Alice waved her off. "I guess it doesn't matter much, since this place isn't serving."

She started her first song and I was transported. Her velvet voice blanketed the cafe in warmth and color. She owned that room. Edward's playing was flawless and soulful. Now to all the things that made this kid perfect in every way aside from his age, I could add accomplished musicianship. I would have steam coming from my ears with the sickening irony of the situation if I wasn't so tamed by the soothing tones filling the room from his guitar and her voice.

"I told you, right? He's very good," Esme leaned over and whispered to me, smiling.

One good thing about the night was that I had a perfectly reasonable excuse to just stare at Edward, and I did stare openly. I was riveted as I watched his hands work over that guitar with the care and precision of a heart surgeon. The concentration in his face gave him an intensity I couldn't break away from. Every so often he'd look out at the audience and I had to turn my gaze to Mercy. If his eyes met mine, I wasn't sure what he might find behind them.

When they were done playing and the applause finally died down, Edward packed up his guitar and came off the stage, directly over to me.

"So you're leaving school to hit the road for the big time, then?" I teased him. "That was pretty spectacular playing there, Cullen."

He laughed. "Glad you approve. I think I'll still go for the diploma, though high school drop out does add to the allure of the traveling musician."

"Yes, helps the rock image a bit. Straight-A-ivy-league-bound-high-school-student doesn't have the same dark allure to it."

"Just the same, I think I'll stay put."

"I'm glad to hear that," I said, sincerely.

#

Outside, Illeana was all over me. "Girl, that Edward has it for you. Bad. What did you do to the poor kid?"

I blanched at her words. "No, I don't think so," I stammered. "Mercy is his girlfriend."

"Please, you're so blind. How soon is he 18? He's a doll."

"Oh. My. God. You're pure evil. Don't even think like that."

"Oh, come on. You know you're thinking it."

"I have a job I'd like to keep, you know? Jesus."

"Don't listen to her," Carl said. "She's pregnant. She can't think straight."

"En serio, Bella, he's gorgeous and so mature for his age, don't you think? Plus boyfriend plays guitar like a dream. I'm pretty sure he's got the big torch, you know? Not the small one." I didn't want to be considering the size of Edward's torch. Not at all. "You say he's a senior?"

"He's seventeen. I don't know when his birthday is, but he's a high school student and I am not even discussing this. Not even a little."

I walked Illeana and Carl to their car and Illeana gave me a big hug. I kissed her on the cheek and told her I'd call her later in the week.

I walked slowly back to my car, sort of dazed, lost on a trail of impure thoughts that I'd tried to veer from, but Illeana's implied approval of the unthinkable put me squarely back on it. The thought of kissing him swirled in my mind deliciously, and I could not dislodge it. I held it there, contemplating.

I stepped out to cross Front Street, back to where my car was parked when I heard the screech of tires. I looked up to see a black Toyota pickup headed right for me. I hadn't even bothered to look before stepping out into the street, I was so distracted by my fantasy. I saw the oncoming truck, but I was frozen to that spot on the road, unable to move.

Then there was a painfully strong tug on my right arm and I was pulled out of the street, backwards onto something, on the sidewalk. I tried to catch my breath as I realized it was Edward.

"Are you all right?" he asked, a wild edge in his voice. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," I said, but my arm was sore where he'd gripped me. "Where did you come from?"

"I was behind you," he said. "You stepped right into traffic. You didn't even look." He shook his head. "Why did you do that?"

"You were definitely not behind me," I said. "I would have noticed."

"Yeah, well if you're so observant, why didn't you notice that truck coming?" He glared at me.

I had no excuse. I clearly wasn't paying attention because I was thinking of him and of all the illegal and improper things I wanted to do to him. I couldn't very well explain that, though.

The driver of the truck came running to where we were sitting on the sidewalk, and Carlisle, Esme, Alice and Jasper, who must have been coming out of the club when it happened, came running over.

"Jesus Christ, lady!" The man driving the truck yelled at me, "You could have gotten us both killed. Why the hell don't you watch where you're walking?"

"Back off," Edward turned and growled at him, an entirely different tone than I'd ever heard before. The man shrank away.

"I'm sorry," I said, growing more embarrassed and upset. "I'm really sorry."

"Miss Swan," Carlisle bent down next to me. "Are you hurt?"

"No," I said. "Just a little stunned."

Carlisle put his hands on my shoulder and my arm and felt around, and I noticed his hands were cool through my clothes. Like an ice pack. Did he have the same condition as Edward? Was that even possible? He helped me to my feet.

"I'm so embarrassed," I said. "I don't know what I was thinking."

"We're just glad you're okay," Esme said, patting me on the arm.

I turned to Edward. "Thank you," I said. My voice cracked and I just plunked myself back down on the sidewalk, my head beginning to fill with the adrenaline of my delayed terror. I put my hands on either side of my head and just tried to breathe. "I'm okay," I said to the concerned crowd. "I just need to catch my breath."

Edward sat down next to me. "Let me drive you home," he said.

"No, that's not necessary," I said. "I'll be fine in a minute. Go on and have fun with Mercy. It's Alice's birthday and I'm sure you've got plans."

"We're just going home," Alice said. "Mercy already left with Emmett and Rosalie."

"I don't want to leave my car."

"Edward can drive your car, and we'll follow you. I insist," Carlisle said. "You shouldn't drive right now." I didn't know how to argue, but part of me knew I should. But then, if I protested too much, would my guilty conscience make it more obvious?

"He's a very good driver," Esme said with a reassuring smile. "You'll be in good hands."

#

I can't even begin to describe the awkward thrill that was the experience of Edward driving me home. First of all, he drives too fast. So do I, so this wasn't much of a problem for me. I didn't really know what to say to him, and again I was concerned, thinking of how this entire night might play back at school in the retelling. Had I done anything wrong or out of sync with school policy? I didn't think so, but I felt so guilty I wasn't sure.

"How do you like this mini Cooper?" he asked, speeding along the road, distracting me from my clutter of awkward thoughts.

"It's peppy and handles decently, but it's not the Z4 I wish I had," I said. "On my salary, that's a little bit of a stretch. Unless I want to live in it."

He laughed. "So you like expensive cars and boats, then."

"I do," I said. "And your family has quite the impressive car collection, I've noticed."

"Yeah, well we all like driving a lot. It's sort of a hobby."

"You have a lot of interesting hobbies. Driving, yachting, music. It's a wonder you get any studying done."

"Well, I don't sleep," he joked. "Ever."

"Not up all night playing Guitar Hero either, I assume."

"Ha, no, I don't think so," he said and smiled. "I'm more of a Call of Duty kind of guy anyway."

"Somehow I have trouble seeing you in front of a Play Station or an Xbox."

"Really? Where do you see me, then?"

In my bed, I thought to myself, but didn't say.

"What are you thinking?" he asked, suspiciously. I am sure I turned red, but luckily it was dark.

"Nothing," I said.

"You've got to be thinking about something. You just don't want to say what it is."

"Maybe," I said. "But then don't you do the same thing all the time? Mr. 'I don't like to talk about myself?'"

"Okay, fine."

"I'm just feeling very embarrassed," I said, which was the truth. "I almost got myself killed in one of the stupidest ways imaginable."

"Well, I'm very glad you didn't get yourself killed," he said.

"Yeah, thanks to you."

"Any time," he said, taking his eyes off the road look at me. I don't know how he managed to look at me like that and continue to steer the car, but we made it to my driveway in one piece. And I didn't think to ask him then how he knew my address. It just seemed like, of course, he would know. Because for no good reason, that's how it felt when I was with Edward. There was the thrill of being close to him, but also the comfort of being with someone you'd known forever. And I very much hated feeling that way around him, because it was a feeling I desperately wanted to have with someone. Just not him.

He walked me to my door, keeping a modest distance. I waved my thanks back at his family, who'd followed us there. I had no proper way to show him my gratitude and floundered for some type of good night that felt both sincere and appropriate. I put the key in the lock of my front door and opened it.

"Home safe and sound," I said.

"Good night," he said, and turned to walk away.

"Edward?" I couldn't stop myself from calling after him.

"Yes?"

"I had a great time," I said, feeling unbearably stupid. "Aside from the almost getting myself killed part."

"Me too." He smiled at me and then did a jog to his family's car. I stayed on the porch staring after them until their tail lights disappeared down K Street.

#

When I went inside, my cell phone rang. I found myself hoping it was Edward, but how would he even have my number, and why would he call anyway?

It wasn't him, it was Charlie.

"What's wrong, Dad?" I asked, worried. "Why are you calling so late?"

"Are you sitting down?" he asked.

"Are you okay? What happened?"

"She said yes," he said, quietly. I was silent. "Bella? Did you hear me? She said yes."

"I heard you," I said, and began to cry. "Dad, you asked Sue to marry you?"

"I finally got up the nerve, can you believe it? Looks like my bachelor days will be behind me soon."

"I'm so happy for you," I said, and began bawling.

"Oh, Bells, don't," he said. "Aw, come on, please don't cry honey."

"No Dad, this is good. This is really, really good. Don't mind me. You know how I get."

Charlie's engagement blew my giddy, stupid Edward fantasy to bits and it littered my floor with its sparkly lies. Edward was a diversion. A derailment from any possible real relationship I might pursue. Even my father was moving on into a future with someone he could build a life with. I was chasing a seventeen year old boy I could never be with.

So soon, I'd be the last Swan on the lake without a mate.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

Fetish

It was time to be honest with myself. I had a real problem and I had to do something about it.

For months I'd entertained ridiculous fantasies about Edward. There was one where instead of a high school senior he was really undercover with the CIA and just a very young looking twenty eight. Then he'd whisk me off to some foreign country and fuck me in twelve different languages. There was another where he was a secret agent from the US Department of Education who was auditing Forks High School. Then when his cover was blown he'd get fired and sail me to Tahiti where I'd spend the next ten years birthing beautiful Swan-Cullen babies that all looked just like him. And there were variations on these fantasies, but in every one he was not the real Edward Cullen—the seventeen year old boy who went to the school where I worked.

I used to tell myself these fantasies were harmless. But now I acknowledged that they were occupying valuable real estate in my mind and heart, keeping me protected in a little world of glittering falsities where I could never really get hurt, and never move forward in my life.

What was worse, I would hurt Edward if I wasn't careful. He had feelings for me—this was clear. If I allowed myself to use him as the object of my desire, I would send the wrong message, consciously or not. In fact, I was afraid I already had. And if I led him on and his crush turned more serious, eventually I'd have to cut him loose. That disappointment could damage his ability to have real intimacy with someone who might be available to him. While I still didn't know all the details about Edward's past, I could tell he was well defended—didn't let people too close. He'd known heartache. I never wanted to add to his pain or his burden in any way. But if I wasn't careful that's exactly what I would do. That made up my mind for me.

I made a decision to pursue Derek—the guy who might actually turn out to be husband material. I was in no hurry to get married, but I turned a corner in my attitude about relationships. I wanted something with promise. No more dark fantasies about young men and no more wasting time on men who didn't take me seriously.

That Saturday after the Mercy Brown show I actually wore a dress, and I never wore skirts or dresses, but Derek was taking me to C'est Si Bon in Port Angeles. He approved—I could tell by the little things. The extra width in his smile when he first saw me. His hand on my arm as he helped me into his Subaru. His long kiss at the end of the night. His reluctance to leave when it was over.

After that, I sent him text messages and hung around his classroom after last period, not only on Tuesdays. I didn't call Jake anymore, and he didn't seem to notice. And most importantly, I avoided Edward. I didn't even allow myself to think about him anymore. I surprised myself with both how difficult that proved to be, and my ability to do it.

I only allowed myself to see him at our Tuesday afternoon club meetings, and even then, I tried to be as bland as I could be. I stilled the beating of my heart, tamed the bounce in my step that the sight of him always gave me. And it worked, because he lost interest in me. He no longer surprised me with visits in my office. At Thoreau club meetings, he paid little attention to me as well. It was as it should be, but that didn't make it any less disappointing.

#

Derek and I fell into a pattern of regular Friday night dates. He'd come to my place or I'd go to his and we'd cook dinner and listen to music or maybe watch a movie. Sometimes we'd just talk, often about the kids in our club or about other school politics or drama.

I opened up to him about Zachary and my struggle to piece my life back together after he died. I disclosed my struggle with depression, but I left out the bit about the heavy drinking and the pills. Derek had known me during that time, but only in the context of work. He didn't know the Bella Swan who could go on a three day solitary drinking binge to blot out a wedding anniversary or lay on the couch for an entire week in summer without bothering to shower or change the channel on the television. The only people who knew me that well were Jake and Illeana. I really didn't want Derek to know that part of me. In fact, I wanted to be rid of that part of me, and the more time I spent with Derek, the less I drank and I stopped taking pills altogether.

As people who'd already been married and had once thought they had the future locked up, Derek and I were a good match. In the places where we didn't always mesh we managed to tread lightly enough to keep things moving forward. Politics and religion, these were subjects that we avoided like polite dinner guests. We came together around music, books, work. We cared about the stewardship of the earth and the natural world. We had similar tastes in B movies and literature and a common disinterest in televised sports. Everything was moving along well, except for one thing.

Every Friday night would end the same way—the two of us kissing on the couch like teenagers waiting for a parent's car to pull in the driveway. I'd wonder all evening how things would unfold, knowing we'd probably never get much past, well, first base. Derek would politely wind things down just at the point where I was getting interested, but I didn't push him. I was trying to be the new Bella—the one who pursued the good, stable guy. Not the old Bella who got drunk and fell into bed twenty minutes after the first real kiss.

Derek told me he was conservative in relationships and he wasn't kidding. He'd been married ten years before his marriage fell apart. Like me, he'd also wanted a family, and when his wife didn't get pregnant and then refused to go for a fertility work-up, he began to suspect something wasn't right. Then he found her birth control pills. Then he found her fucking their neighbor. It'd been two years since they divorced and I was the first person he'd dated. He said needed to take it slow and I understood that—respected it. I even thought I should be more like him.

But I wasn't. I was very impatient to get laid. I was growing more attracted to him as time wore on, too. He had the hard, lean muscular body of a cyclist. His face was handsome and his eyes were a calming light blue. He had strong hands and soft lips and a gentleness to him that I'd come to crave. But I couldn't even entice him to cop a feel, let alone get naked. I knew he loved to kiss me and hold me and I suppose a lot of women would be happy to take things really slow, but I wasn't.

One night when we were necking on my couch I decided to push it a little. He was leveling me with tantalizingly soft kisses so I climbed into his lap and unbuttoned my shirt, kissing him harder. He groaned softly, and then moved his lips down to my neck and placed a hand on my back, underneath my shirt and then stopped.

"Wait," he said. "I… I can't do this."

"Yes, yes you can," I said, kissing him on his neck and then his ear. I whispered, "I'm sure you're very good at it, too."

He exhaled as I started to grind into his lap, but then he held my hips firmly to make me stop.

"Please, Bella, really. I mean it."

I almost wanted to throw him out of my house, I was so frustrated.

"I'm sorry," I said, buttoning my shirt, completely embarrassed. "I just really like you."

He put his arm around me and let out a big sigh. "I really like you, too. That's why I don't want to move too fast."

"Okay," I said, trying not to sound as exasperated as I felt. "I don't get it."

"I know it probably sounds really archaic to you, but I don't have sex outside of marriage," he said. "I should have explained this to you before things ever got this far. I'm sorry."

I nodded and stayed quiet for a minute, grappling with the overwhelming sense of disappointment.

"It's okay," I finally said, and tried to mean it. "I'm sorry for being so…"

"No, don't apologize," he said, holding me close. Then he whispered in my ear, "I'm very glad that you want to… with me. Who knows, right? I think things are going well. Let's just take it slow and see what happens."

I nodded and buried my face in his shoulder, hoping to rest it there until the blood drained back out of it and I could look at him without feeling like my parents had just walked in.

#

The day before winter break, Edward came to my office. I wasn't expecting that. And I wasn't prepared, either.

Dating Derek had made it a little easier to control my inappropriate attraction to Edward, as long as I wasn't alone with him. Because there was nothing quite like having Edward to myself in a small room. And when he came into my office that Friday, the entire room seemed to collapse around us, erasing all that ground I thought I'd covered in my journey away from him in my heart.

"I want to give you something," he said. "A Christmas gift."

"Really?"

"Yeah," he said and smiled. "It's just a small thing."

He pulled a small box out of his pocket, beautifully wrapped with antique brown paper and a small gold ribbon. "This made me think of you."

I opened the box and inside found a small, white stone carving of a bear on a chain.

"A fetish?" I asked. "It's absolutely beautiful," I said.

"It's very old," he said. "It's from the Zuni in Colorado. This one is supposed to signify healing and protection."

I held the stone bear in my hand, closing my fingers tightly around it, a cascade of feelings raining down. I wanted to hug him but didn't dare.

"I love it," I said. I felt a small catch in the back of my throat as I caressed it with my thumb.

"Good. Merry Christmas."

I went to put the necklace on but in my nervousness, dropped it to the floor. In an instant he was behind me, draping it around my neck.

"Let me help," he said. I felt his cool hands brush my neckline as he fastened the chain. I lifted my hair so he could see and felt a chill that made me shudder. Goosebumps suddenly erupted all over me, from the backs of my hands to my... I hoped my nipples weren't showing under my cashmere. Then Edward uttered a strange sound, as if the air had suddenly rushed out of his lungs. I felt the fetish sink into place on my chest as he let go of the chain. He stepped back and braced himself against the wall behind me.

"Are you okay?" I turned around to see him scowling, his eyes burning black into my own. As he caught my startled reaction he moved quickly to the other side of the room and pulled a cigarette out of his shirt pocket and sniffed it. "What are you doing? You know you can't smoke in here."

"I won't," he said, opening a window.

"Are you feeling ill?"

"A little," he said, his voice overly controlled. He stuck his head into the freezing cold air and took a deep breath. I shuddered again as the draft hit me and pulled my cardigan tight around my shoulders. "I'm all right," he said.

He looked off. Maybe it was regret he was feeling, or confusion. I didn't know what to think. What was I to him? Some aging old maid who had a small time career at a high school? A dark fantasy like he was to me? A projection of some forgotten parental figure?

"Are you doing anything fun over the break?" I asked, to distract him.

"We're going up to Alaska to visit some old friends," he said, calmer. "Snow boarding and maybe some hunting. Are you spending Christmas with Mr. Banner?" He took a seat across from me, his eyes softer but his voice still had an edge to it.

"He's going out of town to visit family," I said. "I'll be having a quiet one at home."

"You're spending Christmas alone?"

"I've got Chief Swan to keep me company," I said. "Never a dull moment with him." He leveled one of those skeptical looks at me. "What?"

"Why aren't you going with Mr. Banner to see his family?"

I wasn't sure what to say, given it was none of his business. The truth was I had never been invited.

"And leave Chief Swan all on his own? I wouldn't dream of it."

#

Charlie and I spent Christmas at his place with Sue, Leah, and Seth. They'd soon be my step siblings, which felt a little weird, but was also okay. They were plenty good company. We also invited the Blacks to come since they were close with the Clearwaters and enjoyed a good party as much as we did.

I cannot cook. This is a well known fact among my family and friends. But I can decorate, so I made Charlie put up a huge Scotch Pine that we decked out with antique ornaments and homemade trinkets from my childhood. I had garlands draping from every mantle and doorway and blue lights outside on the porch. I'd done the same to my own place, surprising my father when I asked him to come hang lights on my roof. It was the first year since I'd been in Forks that I shown much holiday spirit.

"I'm glad to see you happy, Bells," Charlie gave me a squeeze around the shoulders as I rearranged some garland. I smiled and realized that for the first time in awhile, I thought I might actually consider myself happy. Confused, maybe. But hopeful, despite that confusion.

Charlie and I helped Sue prepare a turkey and stuffing feast for all of us. Jake played bar tender while we waited for the bird to finish, and with several rounds of cocktails before dinner, we were all well lit by the time we crammed into Charlie's little dining room for the meal.

"When are you bringing your little clan back to La Push?" Billy asked over dinner. "We've got even more bears for them to interview now."

"Dad," Jake said. "I don't think bringing the kids back to La Push would be a good idea right now." He gave his father a warning look.

"Those bears aren't going to hurt anyone," Billy said, dismissively. "They're tame as kittens. Unless you're worried about them seeing you…"

"That's enough, Billy Black," Jake said.

"Worried about us seeing what?" I asked.

"Yeah, what?" Charlie asked.

"If Charlie's going to marry Sue," Billy said, the alcohol fueling his speech, "he's going to find out sooner or later."

"Find out what?" Charlie asked, getting his police chief voice off the shelf, buzzed as it was. Sue shook her head as Leah, Seth and Jake grew visibly uncomfortable.

"It's nothing," Jake scowled at his father. "Just Billy flapping his gums after too much holiday cheer. I don't think it's a good idea to have too many tourists on the reservation with all the bears around, that's all."

I didn't believe him, and neither did Charlie, but the look on Sue's face told us both to drop it. No doubt he'd get it out of Sue later, and I could work on Jake better when we were alone. Billy just grumbled into his plate and said, "Pass the eggnog, will you?"

"I want to come and see the bears myself," I said. "I won't bring the kids."

"No way, Bella," Charlie said. "I don't care how harmless the bears seem to Billy. He can go play cards with them if he wants. But I don't want you playing naturalist around a pack of wild bears."

"He's right," Jake said.

"Bah," Billy said. "Tame as kittens."

"We had one wander into our kitchen last week," Seth said.

"What? Sue, you didn't tell me that," Charlie snapped.

"Seth." Sue shook her head at him. "It was nothing," she smiled. "I shooed him out like a stray dog. No big deal."

"We've sort of adopted them," Leah said. "People have just been leaving them food like feral cats. I don't think they're ever going to leave now. May as well get used to it."

"I don't like it," Charlie said. "I don't care if it's a pack of teddy bears. Sooner or later someone is going to do something stupid and get themselves hurt. Or worse."

#

After dinner Jake and I took a walk. The cold air and the quiet were a relief from the heady, stuffy dining room and the boisterous drunken laughter of the party. Jake pulled out a flask of whiskey and we took turns sipping from it as we walked down Main Street.

"So can I ask you a question?" Jacob took my hand in his.

"What?"

"Are you seeing that Derek guy?"

"Mr. Four Time Teacher of the Year?" I smirked. "Sort of. Why?" I raised an eyebrow and passed the flask.

"I never hear from you anymore," he said, taking a pull.

"Oh please, you never call me," I said, taking my hand out of his. "I get tired of always being the one to call."

"Come on, Bella, this isn't high school. I'm a teacher. You know how busy I am during the school year," he said, putting his arm around me. "Are you really into him or what?"

"Yeah, I think I am." I looked for his reaction. He frowned. That gave me a good, satisfied feeling.

"Come on Jake, you're not into me like that," I said. "We've been there before, remember?"

I reached for the flask and took the last swig, my face hot from the buzz. He didn't look, didn't respond. I got in front of him and forced him to stop walking. He crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out like a bratty kid. I cracked up. "You really piss me off sometimes, you know that?" I said.

"I know." Then he pulled me into a full-on dip, right there on the sidewalk and kissed me. I would have laughed again, but his lips were insistent and I could only kiss him back with equal intensity. The light from the street lamp made me self-conscious, though the road was deserted.

"Let's walk to my house," I said.

"Sure," he said, and took my hand again. As we walked along I felt elated and confused and frustrated and fairly fucked up from all the booze. Even in my fuzzy head I was certain I was headed for the same pattern of falling into bed with Jake, drunk, knowing he would leave before the morning and that I wouldn't hear from him again for awhile because he'd be afraid of the weirdness resulting from banging your good friend under the influence. I'd let it happen too many times already. We had a lot of fun and were good in bed together, sure. But he already acted like I was some long term girlfriend that would never leave, that would never tire of him. I was sick of that treatment and now I had other options.

I opened the door to my house ready to start another confrontation, but then he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder and I couldn't help laughing. Damn it. That was the problem with Jake. I could never stay mad enough at him. He carried me into the bedroom and I landed on the bed with a bounce that sent me into a ridiculous giggling fit. He smiled as he leaned over me on the bed and then he kissed me again, more softly this time. I kissed him back but then I pushed him off. I wasn't going to make it that easy.

"You're only doing this because you think I found someone else," I said. "Admit it."

"No, I'm doing it because you look hot in those jeans and because you know you want me to, so shut up about your new boyfriend for five minutes." He kissed me again. "It's a real mood killer."

"I need more booze," I said.

"You're hardcore, Swan." Jake got up and went into the kitchen and opened my liquor cabinet. "What do you want? More whiskey? Or are you ready for beer?"

"Whiskey," I said. "Bring it."

My phone rang while Jake was out of the room. It was Derek. After debating for a couple of rings, I answered it.

"Merry Christmas, beautiful," Derek crooned over the phone.

All I could think was, "Okay, Bella, try not to sound drunk."

"Hey, Merry Christmas," I said. "How was your day?"

"Great. Parents are doing well and I ate too much. How about yours?" he asked.

Jake hollered from the other room, "If that's Charlie, tell him you haven't passed out yet, but we're working on it."

"Who was that?" Derek asked, sounding a little annoyed.

"Oh… it's just Jake. I had Christmas dinner at Charlie's with the Blacks and the Clearwaters." I hoped he'd believe we were still there. "One of those meals where the food didn't keep up with the imbibing." I felt guilty, awkward. Answering the phone was definitely a mistake.

"I see," Derek said. "Tell Jacob Black he can keep his hands off of you this time," he said, trying to sound like he was teasing but the edge was obvious. "I don't care if he is your old buddy, or if you're both drunk."

"Is that so?" I said, pleased to hear a little jealousy. "I think if you're worried about that, we should discuss a few things, don't you?"

"Maybe I should come home right now and discuss it."

"Please do," I said. "I'd love that."

"We'll talk about it over New Year's," he said, relaxing. "We're still on for your friend's party, right?"

"Definitely," I said. "Can't wait."

Jacob walked in with the whiskey and gave me a fake menacing sort of look.

"Is that your boyfriend, Bella?" he said artificially loud. "Tell him he shouldn't leave you alone with a liquor cabinet on holidays."

"Shut up, Jake."

"I'll let you go back to the party," Derek said. "See you Friday."

"Hurry home," I said and hung up. Jake handed me a shot of whiskey and I threw it back and then fell backwards onto the mattress. He laid down next to me, propping himself on one arm, clearly pleased with himself.

"You dick," I said. "Don't you want me to be happy?"

"Of course I do," he said. "I'm about to make you very happy, in fact." He smirked and I rolled my eyes and tried to think of some witty retort, but before I could get the words out he was on top of me, kissing me hard. My limp, drunken body revved in a way it hadn't in a very long time. Some of this was due to my alcohol-drenched hormones and some was the frustration of being in a very slow moving relationship with someone else. But the biggest turn on was just doing something I probably shouldn't have been doing. That dynamic was something I'd thought a lot about in recent times.

My blood pumped like gasoline through my veins, igniting as I soaked in the heat of Jake's hard body. He kissed me again and filled my mouth with his tongue. I groaned as he unbuttoned my shirt and unhooked my bra with dexterous, greedy hands. Then he lowered his lips to my throat and held them there too long. I thought for sure he was going to mark me with a hickey like a high school tramp, but just as I started to protest he laughed and moved his lips down to my chest, pulling my shirt to the side, exposing my breast, and then he suddenly stopped.

"Who gave you this?" he asked, fingering the bear fetish I wore around my neck.

"Nobody," I said, pulling the white stone from Jake's fingers. I unfastened the chain and held it in my hand and felt myself blushing from head to toe.

Now Edward's face was firmly lodged in my thoughts as all my girl parts lit up. Jake kissed me in the valley between my breasts and I began to breathe easier, but then he took the bear from my hand and dragged it over my nipple. I gasped as the cold hard stone teased my aching skin.

"You're such a bad liar," Jake said. "Was it a Christmas present from him? Your new boyfriend?" He dragged the fetish over my belly. I grabbed it out of his hand and he looked at me fiercely. "Tell me."

"No," I said.

"Fine. Be that way," he said. Then he started kissing my neck again, stroking my breast, and I felt his hands slide down my body, towards the gold. I held the bear tightly in my hand and tried to keep my mouth shut, to make certain in my drunken state I didn't accidentally let Edward's name slip.

I reached for Jake's cock through his pants and felt him rock hard. He unbuttoned my jeans and edged his fingers softly along the waistline. I ran my hand hungrily through his thick black hair as he kissed my naked belly.

And then my cell phone rang again.

"Ignore it," Jake said as he dragged his hot lips down to the open top of my jeans and snaked his tongue over my skin. I exhaled slowly and tried to blot out the thought of Derek checking up on me, tried to push Edward's face away from my mind even as I clutched at the gift he'd given me. My phone stopped ringing, but then Jake's phone rang.

"That can't be Derek," I said.

"Don't worry about it," Jake said.

"What if it's Charlie?" I asked. "What if something's wrong?" I was suddenly worried. Charlie wouldn't bother me in this state if it wasn't important.

"Jesus, Bella," Jake said. "Do you always have to worry so much?" Jake's phone stopped ringing and he shut it off. Then he took off his shirt and laid back down on top of me. "Let's try this again," he said, more patient now.

Then my house phone rang.

"Oh my God, somebody really does not want me getting laid tonight," Jake muttered and went to pick it up.

"Hey Charlie, Bella's fine, she just got sleepy so I walked her home," he paused. "What? How high? Shit. I'll be right there."

"What's wrong?" I asked, thoroughly frustrated.

"It's Seth," Jake said, sounding annoyed and concerned all at once. "He's come down with something. He's got a really high fever."

"So? Why can't Sue deal with him?" I asked. "Give him some Ibuprofen or something."

"They did and it's not helping and Sue's too drunk now," he said. "So are Leah and Billy. I'm sorry babe, I have to go take them home." He kissed me and pulled on his shirt. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay?" He ran out the door.

I turned the stone bear over and over and over again in the palm of my hand. Just thinking.


	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER TEN

Jack of Wands

I woke up the next morning and noticed it. The bear fetish was still in my hand, the chain wrapped around, like it was securing it there, the stone's imprint deep in my palm. My head was a rotten, split melon. I didn't think I'd been that drunk when I passed out, but at least I wasn't puking.

I needed coffee. But when I went into the kitchen I remembered I was out of milk. My car was at Charlie's, so I decided to walk down to the coffee shop and get a half decent cup. Maybe I'd even have a little breakfast.

Black sweater, jeans, socks, boots, jacket. Fetish. Why couldn't I just put the thing away? Healing and protection. Two things I needed, I thought, at least for a little while longer. I slipped it around my neck and went out the door with my bag.

The streets were more quiet than usual. Peaceful. Just this side of depressing, actually, but I wasn't feeling down. I was still feeling hungover, though better now that I was in the fresh air. And a little troubled. I wished I didn't have a whole week to wait for Derek to get home. When I hung out with Derek I felt a lot more sane.

It looked like rain but the weather held all the way to Forks Avenue, where I found the coffee shop very quiet. Perfect. I sat in a big booth and ordered coffee, two over easy and toast. I sent a text message to Derek.

"Can't you come home early?"

No reply.

Breakfast came with a refill on my coffee and kept me occupied for just a few minutes. I started to feel lonely. I checked my email on my phone and perused the headlines. I debated texting Jake. He said he'd call me today, but he probably wouldn't. Maybe he would this time. I should wait and see.

I paid and began to walk to Charlie's house to get my car, a steaming hot cup of coffee to go in a cardboard cup. My head was better, but my thoughts were cluttered. Derek. Jake. Derek. Jake. Edward.

But I couldn't dwell on Edward, because thinking about Edward would inevitably lead to thinking things that were just entirely wrong. Unhealthy. So I went back to thinking about Derek. And then Jake.

It started to rain. I flipped my hood up and pulled my bag tighter to me and shut the little flap on the lid to my coffee and hurried my pace.

A car was coming up fast from behind me, so I got off the street, onto the mushy grass. Way too fast. Why do people have to drive like assholes in little towns? Couldn't they see there was a pedestrian? Maybe not. I remembered my near run in with the black Toyota truck and moved far off the road. I turned around and stopped to make sure I could see it coming.

The car looked just like Edward's. My heart jumped. And then it stopped beating altogether because the Volvo pulled over and the window went down and it was him.

"Let me give you a ride," he said.

"I'm going to get your interior all wet," I said, trying to tone down my happiness at the sight of him. "I don't have far to go and I'm already soaked—it's okay."

"Don't be ridiculous." He leaned over and popped the passenger side door open. "Get in."

I did.

"Where am I taking you?" he asked.

"My father's house," I said. "He's on 6th."

"Did you have a nice Christmas?" he asked.

"Sure," I said. "I was up a little late."

"So much for a quiet one with Chief Swan."

"It was a bigger party than I thought it would be," I said, trying to read his tone of voice. "I thought you were in Alaska. Change of plans?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow," he said. "I had to take care of a few things before I left."

"College applications? I know a lot of those are due soon."

"I'm going to take a year off."

"And do what?"

"Sail," he said. "I've been wanting to circumnavigate for awhile."

The thought of Edward leaving Forks and going off to college was one thing. But the thought of him leaving and sailing around the world? It might as well have been him leaving earth. It made me sad, but was still awesome.

"That sounds amazing," I said. "I'm sure you'll get into any college you want after that."

"So do you think you'll work at Forks High forever?" he asked.

"No," I said. "Actually, I've been thinking about trying to finish my Ph.D., finally."

"You'll have to move away from Forks at some point, then," he said as he pulled up in front of Charlie's house.

"I don't know," I said. "I really haven't thought much about it. I suppose if I get back into a Ph.D. program I'll have to move wherever I get accepted. Not sure if I should go back to Rutgers. I don't really want to go back to Jersey."

"Dartmouth has a good psychology department."

"I do love New England," I said. "But I doubt I'd get into Dartmouth with the kind of time off I've had. Anyway, what about you? You must be planning on college after your big circumnavigation."

"I'm undecided," he said and smiled.

"Edward," I said, and then paused. My phone beeped, letting me know I had a text message. Derek. I ignored it.

"Miss Swan?"

He was looking at the space where my jacket was just a little unzipped, and the sliver of my neckline was showing, and I knew he saw not the bear fetish itself, but the chain as it slipped under my sweater. But the chain was enough.

"Thank you for the ride," I said. "Have a nice time in Alaska."

"Any time," he said.

#

I heard nothing from Jake for three days so I called him. He was all apologies, of course. Said he'd been helping the Clearwaters take care of Seth, though I'm not sure what help Seth needed with whatever mystery fever he'd come down with. They refused to take him to the hospital, insisting they could deal with it on the Reservation. In any case, as I'd predicted, there were no more signs of any romantic interest from Jake. If he wasn't drunk, he wasn't interested. I was beyond ready to move on from that.

Derek called me every night before bed, and by the end of the week I couldn't wait for him to get home. He picked me up for New Year's eve at eight o'clock looking surprisingly hip in a black button-down shirt, jeans and new shoes that—surprise—weren't hiking boots. I wore a little black shimmery short dress with spaghetti straps and a low neckline, not slutty but definitely hot. Just because Derek didn't believe in sex before marriage did not mean I wasn't going to tempt him. I wasn't suffering his celibacy alone.

"You're gorgeous," he said as soon as he saw me. "I missed you." And then he kissed me, tenderly. I might have been a little too enthusiastic in the way I kissed him back, but he certainly didn't mind. I was pretty revved up for the evening.

He told me all about his week back home as we drove out to Illeana and Carl's. They'd splurged on a big party and a DJ and dancing and a full bar, of which Illeana did not partake given her expecting status, but she did remind us several times that the Bloody Marys were of the highest quality. I refrained from having any.

It was the first time I introduced Derek to Illeana and Carl, and it went better than I'd even hoped. He was relaxed and funny and hit it off with Carl right away. As they got absorbed in an intense conversation about fishing for salmon in the Sol Duc, Illeana dragged me to her bedroom.

"So? How is he?" she asked.

"He's fine, why?"

"Don't be dumb! How is he in bed?"

"Oh… " I felt my face grow hot with embarrassment.

"Oh my God! Is he that good?" She misinterpreted my expression.

"No, it's not that."

"Oh, he's not good?"

"He's not… We're not… "

"He's not a 40 year old virgin, is he?"

"Sort of a born again virgin," I said.

"Ah, that's the worst kind," she said, sympathetically. "He seems like a nice guy, too. Religious?"

"Something like that," I said. "I don't know what to do—I'm going a little nuts, honestly. I really like him but sometimes I feel like I'm dating a seventh grader."

"Girl, I've got just the thing for you," she said. She went into her closet and pulled out a box. "Carl got this for me for Christmas, but I haven't used it. I think you need it more than I do."

I took the brown box from her and opened it. Inside was a bright pink Jack Rabbit vibrator. I burst out in laughter.

"What? You have one already?" she asked.

"No, but I was looking at this one online last week. I just about wore my bullet out."

"I'm afraid if I use this thing I'll go into labor. You take it. Carl can buy me another after the baby gets here, if I ever feel like having sex again."

I took the vibrator out of the box and stared at it. It was huge. And pink and plastic with a clit attachment and a remote control. I'd always wanted one of these but had been too intimidated to actually order one.

"It looks complicated," I said. "I don't know if I can handle it."

"This model says it's for beginners," she said, reading the pamphlet. "Says it's the 'Honda Civic of vibrators.' You can drive a stick shift, you should be able to work this." She handed me the pamphlet.

I stashed the vibrator at the bottom of my bag, wrapping it in the tee shirt I'd packed for tomorrow, just in case I was lucky enough to get an invite to stay over at Derek's.

"I'm leaving this in your room until I leave," I said.

"Sure," she said. "Chicken." Then she gave me a more serious look. "So, do you think you're in love?"

"I think I could fall in love with him, but this not having sex business—it's a problem," I admitted. "Does that make me shallow?"

"It makes you human, honey," she said and hugged me.

We went out to the party and Derek broke away from his conversation with Carl and came and put his arm around me. "There you are," he said. "Your friends are great. I'm really glad you brought me."

"I'm really glad I brought you too," I said.

He smiled as he led me through the crowd of people dancing. I hadn't danced much with anyone since Zack and for a moment I hesitated, but he put his arms around me just as the DJ broke into a classics set. Frank Sinatra's "The way you look tonight," was playing, and I have always been a sucker for any crooning by the Chairman of the Board. The song itself made me go soft inside, and Derek was relaxed, confident and smooth as he held me on the dance floor. We had a moment there with the music playing and his skillful gliding across the floor where I thought I could really see myself with him in a more permanent kind of way.

The song ended and he led me through the house to the empty back porch. It was chilly, but not too cold for December. He hung his jacket around my shoulders and wrapped an arm around me as we looked up at the stars.

"I just wanted to steal a minute with you away from the crowd. Hope that's okay," he said.

"I'm glad you did." I rested my head against his shoulder.

"Bella, how do you feel about us?"

"I feel very good about our relationship," I said.

"Well," he said, "would you be willing to see me exclusively?"

"Are you asking me to go steady?" I teased.

"Sort of," he smiled. "I want to take things to the next level."

"What does that involve, exactly?" I asked. "Do I get a pin or something?"

He laughed. "Could you not make this harder on me?"

"I don't know," I said. "I'm kind of enjoying it."

"The sadist finally comes out," he teased back. "Can you at least answer the question?"

"Yes," I said. "I want to level up."

"What about Jacob Black?" he asked.

"We're just friends," I said.

"Does he know that?" he asked, an edge creeping into his voice.

"Yes, of course."

"So then, if he calls and says he wants to go out drinking does that mean you'll say yes or no?"

"Jacob never calls me," I said.

"Okay, I'm sorry." He backed off. "I'm acting like a jealous boyfriend already."

"I forgive you." I smiled.

"I know we've been taking things slow and on Christmas I was worried…" his voice trailed off but his face was composed as his soft blue eyes delved into mine, looking for some sign of reciprocity. I put my arms around his neck.

"You don't have to worry," I said. I needed this in my life right now, I told myself. I needed to make a commitment to somebody who actually cared for me and was appropriate for me to be with. Derek kissed me and my body tensed in that good way a body does when a good kiss is happening.

"Let's get out of here," he whispered in my ear.

"Okay," I said breathlessly.

#

In the car I held his hand and caressed his fingers as he sped along Route 101. It was only an hour until midnight and I silently willed him to drive faster, as though somehow the magic of New Year's eve was going to run out on us if we didn't get to a bedroom in time.

"Is my place okay?" he asked.

"Definitely."

When we arrived, I dropped my bag on his kitchen counter and winced as I heard the thud of the vibrator hitting the marble. It sure didn't sound like a tooth brush.

"Glad you didn't pack light," he laughed. "Did you make sure to bring your pet brick?" He put his arms around me and kissed my neck. I went to push the bag back towards the back splash, away from the edge of the counter but instead I accidentally knocked it to the floor. It landed face down and I looked over his shoulder to see the tip of the jack rabbit poking out of the top. I tried to hit it with my foot, but being the gentleman he was he turned around to pick the bag up for me.

"Sorry—I'll get it," he said, then stopped as he noticed the bulbous hot pink tip of the vibrator protruding, most unwelcome, like a boner at a high school swim meet. "Bella?" he asked, but then didn't follow with any kind of question.

"Oh God," I said, my face heating up to emergency room red. "I can explain that." I fumbled for any kind of explanation. "It's not mine," I squirmed like a kid caught with weed.

"Is that what I think it is?" he asked, staring down at my bag like he was staring at spilled primavera or some other objectionable mess one might find on a kitchen floor.

"It's Illeana's idea of a joke," I said. "She gave it to me at the party."

"Why would she do that?" he asked.

"To embarrass me," I said. "She's evil like that." I picked the bag up and shoved the vibrator back down to the bottom. I couldn't look at him I was so embarrassed. "Look, I've never even seen one of these before," I said, struggling. "I don't even know how to use it."

Derek shook his head and then started to laugh.

"Liar," he said, and narrowed his eyes at me in jest. Then I started to laugh, finally relaxing.

"I'm telling the truth—Illeana got it from Carl for Christmas but she won't use it because she's afraid she'll go into labor. So she gave it to me."

"What are you going to do with it?" he asked. I laughed.

"I don't know," I said. "Why? Do you have any suggestions?"

"You should leave it here," he said, pulling it from my bag. "That way you won't accidentally hurt yourself. What the heck does this do?" He pointed to the clit stimulator.

"Ha ha," I said. "I'm sure we could figure it out."

"Hmm, interesting proposal for an experiment," he said, turning it on. "Wow, this thing is powerful. You'd better be careful with it or you'll break your ovaries."

"You dope," I said, grabbing it out of his hands.

He took it back from me and backed me into the counter and held it vibrating against my thigh. I immediately got wet.

"Oh my God…" I whispered under my breath.

"Someday," he said, "this may come in handy." He turned it off and put it on the counter and then ran his hand up my skirt along my leg. I kissed him softly on the lips.

"I'd rather it be you anyway," I whispered in his ear.

"I know," he said and then kissed me. I could feel his erection grinding into my leg, making me hotter.

"Let's go to your room," I said.

My cell phone rang. I looked at my bag and then up at the clock. Midnight. It rang again. It was probably Jake, drunk. I let it ring.

"Happy New Year, Bella," Derek said, noticing the time. He kissed me again, tenderly, and then led me into the bedroom.

#

We landed on the bed, limbs tangled together, a small explosion of expectation. All of my waiting, my patience I imagined soon to be rewarded in the consummation of our newly minted exclusive status. I lay beneath him as he covered my mouth with his, his tongue darting hungrily. His hands stroked my hair, then slowed as he sweetly caressed the side of my face. I felt his fingers glide over my bare shoulders, pulling the thin straps of my dress to the side as his lips found the curve of skin at the base of my neck. I shivered in excitement and began to unbutton his shirt. He dragged the edge of my dress up and I caught the side zipper and pulled it open. He fingered the lace at the top of my thong, hooked a finger around the fabric as though he was about to free me from it, but then just left his hand not quite there, but above, as though the rest of the fingers were conferencing, considering their options. I reached my hand down between his legs but he brushed it away before I could reach, pinning it to the bed below.

"Bella," he whispered in my ear, then kissing it, "you have no idea how much I want you right now."

"Me too," I whispered back and then I felt his hesitation. I looked into his open eyes and saw the anguish there. "Derek?"

"Is it okay if I just hold you for awhile?" he asked.

"Of course," I said, surprised. He lay back on the pillows and I lay next to him with my head on his shoulder in the quiet darkness of the bedroom. He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head sweetly.

"You know, I've never been with anyone other than my wife," he said a bit sheepishly. "I've never wanted to be with anyone else until now." I responded with a nuzzle to his shoulder and he pulled me closer. "I know we have different values on some things. But that doesn't mean I don't want you. You know that."

"I know," I said, retrieving the argument I'd rehearsed for several weeks, a stab at persuading him to reconsider. "But since we've both already been married, maybe it's not as big a deal. "

"That isn't the issue," he said, softly. "I have tremendous respect for you and I can't just use you for some sexual gratification of mine. You can understand that, can't you?" he asked.

"Of course I can," I said. I looked away and felt all of the sexual tension drain out of me like power from a dying battery. "I think I just really crave the physical connectedness." Out of the blue my voice cracked and tears sprang to my eyes. I choked back the surge of emotion as this realization washed over me. Derek held me tight and kissed the top of my head.

"I'll hold you all night, right here," he said.

I felt his arms warm and strong around me and recognized the commitment in them. I accepted.


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN

Future Tense

The winters in Forks are not overly cold, nor harsh, but they are wet and they seem to linger, some years longer than others. January, February and March all trudged on with little energy, Derek and I tucked away in our comfy hollow of a romance, safe and warm against the dreariness. Our relationship was progressing, but the pace was slow. It reminded me of our black bears in hibernation, not eating or drinking or doing much of anything besides the occasional wander into the Thriftway parking lot.

There continued to be reports of bear dumpster diving and bears rolled up like soft plush furniture behind people's homes. They had become honorary citizens around Forks and La Push, where they came even closer to the humans than they did in town. We'd come to think of them like tourists who couldn't find the bus home. It got to the point where the locals were comfortable spotting a towering black bear across the drug store parking lot and would shrug it off like they did the squirrels in their bird feeders.

The students continued to chart bear activity and research animal to human communication and folklore of the indigenous peoples North America, sparking great debates on the meaning of our local bear behavior. Mike Newton was the most passionate in his belief that their presence represented some type of warning, and I often wondered what kind of projection this was. Was it the fear of change, the pressure of growing up? The bears had clearly come to signify danger for Mike, and I grew concerned as his mood became more erratic, his energy for this project more obsessive than passionate.

"People need to be warned," Mike had urged us one early spring afternoon. "Even if we don't know what the specific danger is, they should know something big is going down."

"Warn them of what, though?" Edward questioned him. "Maybe it's just a simple matter of humans growing more comfortable with them, and they're now feeling more at home closer to civilization, like pigeons in big cities." As I watched the two of them interact I got the sense that Edward was always trying to de-escalate Mike.

"That's a chicken and egg argument," Mike said.

"But he's got a point, Mike," I said. "The meaning of this behavior is only a projection of our own beliefs. It's symbolic, right? We can't prove that there's any meaning beyond what we assign it."

"Miss Swan, why do you always take Edward's side? Just because everyone knows he's your favorite?"

Edward laughed and I shook my head in a combination of amusement and irritation.

"Come on, Mike, everyone knows you're my favorite," I said, trying to bust his attitude up.

"Maybe we should put the bear project down and work on something else," Derek said.

"No!" Mike insisted, and the other students protested as well.

"We've been working on this for months," Angela said. "We can't put it down now before we've come to any final conclusions."

"We won't kill it," Derek said. "We'll just focus on some other topic for a few weeks. But we need some distance on it so we gain a little more perspective. We'll take it back up when we do the Lake Crescent trip."

One thing I had to say about Derek, when he gave a directive, the students listened. He laid that debate to rest and Angela, Erik and Paige started working on a school wide campaign for Earth Day. But the shift in focus left Mike Newton unsatisfied and I was uneasy watching him wear his grudge so openly.

#

When the kids cleared out at 4 o'clock, Derek looked at me in a funny sort of way, like he wanted to say something he knew I'd find annoying. Then he did.

"I'm going away for spring break," he announced, and then busied himself sorting out a stack of papers on his desk. He kept his eyes averted as he fidgeted, clearly waiting for me to respond.

"Cancun? Ft. Lauderdale?" I half-heartedly teased.

"I'm heading home to see the folks," he said. "It's been awhile."

"Christmas," I reminded him.

"What are you doing next week?" he asked.

"I thought I'd be hanging out with you." I waited awkwardly for an invitation, but none came. "I'd like to meet your family."

"Yeah, we should plan that soon," he said.

"Do your parents even know about us?" I asked, suddenly suspicious. "Did you ever tell them about me?"

"I will when I see them next week." He packed his bag and we walked out to the parking lot.

"Why haven't you told them yet?"

"No real reason," he said.

"Our relationship is just not that big a deal, I suppose." I said.

"Come on, you know that's not it," he said.

I had been worried Derek's parents wouldn't approve of me, but I'd hoped if that was the case that he wouldn't be too bothered. Now I wasn't so sure. His parents were very religious and I wasn't, and though this issue hadn't become much of a sticking point between us it did lurk beneath the calm waters of our relationship like a hammerhead in a bath tub.

I had already introduced Derek to my father right after New Year's. Charlie hadn't been overly impressed, but he was able to sit with him for half a football game. I'd felt a little strange as I noticed how easily he polished off a six pack of Rainier while Derek sipped iced tea. It was plainly obvious our families were different and wouldn't soon be planning potlucks, but if I could handle that there was no reason he shouldn't.

"Bring me to Portland with you," I said as we got to my car. "I won't be doing anything next week anyway."

"We'll definitely plan a visit soon," he said. "But not next week. I'm sure you'll survive the week without me."

"Of course," I said. "But that's not the point."

"This isn't the right time," he said, and it was clear he was done talking about it. He kissed me on the cheek and left me standing next to my car. I got in, disappointed, trying to understand what the big deal was. Then it dawned on me. Easter. I dialed his number.

"Is it because it's a religious holiday?" I blurted out. "Because I'd be happy to go to church with your family."

"Bella," he said. "Why don't you make plans to go see Illeana next week? I'm sure she misses you."

"Why won't you talk to me about it?" I demanded.

"I will," he said. "But not right now and not over the phone."

"Come over tonight," I said.

"I can't. I've got fifty midterms to grade, you know that."

"This sucks," I said.

"Okay, I'm really done discussing this now," he said. "See you tomorrow."

And that was the end of that conversation.

#

The following morning Edward came to my office. He had not come to see me there since he'd given me the bear fetish, something I was acutely aware of as the memory of his hands on my shoulders sent an uncomfortable buzzing through me.

"Look, I don't want to disappoint you," he said, "but I'm quitting Thoreau club."

"Why?" I could not conceal my dismay or my surprise, and this news did not help my already sour mood.

"It's too tense."

"You mean Mike, right?" I asked, impatiently.

"Yes," he said. "I have a bad feeling about him."

"What do you mean?"

"He's not stable," Edward said. "He's got a lot of twisted thoughts about things and when I'm around he feels worse. I don't want to put him over the edge."

"I don't want you to quit," I said.

"I know," he said, looking torn. "But I'm worried that the more I'm around him, the more paranoid he gets."

The strange warning about Mike concerned me. I walked down to Derek's room at the bell to ask him what he thought, but he shrugged it off.

"They're competitive young males," Derek said. "Mike thinks he's always right, Edward thinks he's always right. If Edward leaves, I'm sure it will only help."

"But that's not fair to Edward," I said. "And what about this idea that Mike could be close to having some sort of melt down?" I whispered. "Don't you worry about that?"

"I think teenagers are overly dramatic," he said, dismissing me as the students filed in. "Don't encourage them."

#

Edward stopped coming to the Tuesday meetings and Mike became noticeably more mellow, but the other students were as disappointed about Edward leaving as I was. He'd been a strong counterpoint in the group to Mike's urgent, dark fantasies about some kind of doomsday scenario. Even as we worked on the Earth Day campaign, Mike would start ranting about the end of the world, putting a damper on most of our gatherings. The other kids were tiring of it, even his girlfriend.

Jessica, Paige and Angela tried to talk Edward into coming back to the club, not exactly against Derek's wishes, but he didn't encourage them. I stayed out of it, though I hoped they could get him to change his mind. They were only marginally successful.

"He's thinking about coming on the camping trip," Jessica said at our next meeting. "But only because Paige begged him. He says he has to use the extra afternoon to study because he's planning to do an accelerated summer term at Dartmouth."

Dartmouth? I thought. I thought he was going to sail around the world. So he was lying to someone.

"That dude is such a tool," Mike replied. "Why would we want him back anyway?"

"Hey," I said. "We don't talk behind each other's backs here."

"Whatever," he said, glaring at me. "We all know how much you miss him, Miss Swan."

"That's enough," Derek jumped in before I had a chance to respond.

"I do miss Edward," I said, defensively. "I'd miss any one of you if you quit, including you, Newton, even if you are acting like a fifth grader right about now."

"Bella," Derek said, lightly warning.

"I want you in my office first thing tomorrow morning," I said to Mike. "Before homeroom."

#

Mike came into my office the next morning first thing, not the obnoxious, confrontational brat he'd been the afternoon before, but a more subdued, sheepish kid. The one I was more familiar with.

"Mike, I'm really worried about you," I began, motioning him to take a seat across from me. "You seem very stressed out to me. You've been snapping at everyone—even Jessica."

"Things suck between me and Jess right now," he said.

He slouched down, his feet nervously tapping the floor as he looked out the window, unable to meet my gaze. He toyed with the plastic tip on the tie of his gray hoodie, sometimes taking it between his teeth and gnawing it, sometimes twisting it in his fingers. The poor kid looked really worn out.

"She's into Cullen," he said and then glared at me. "Your homeboy."

"You know, I've spent more time with you than just about any other kid in this school." I was more than unnerved by his continuing accusations that I had a soft spot for Edward, especially since I actively tried to hide that painful fact. "You and I are every bit as close, if not closer, than Edward and I."

In terms of time spent together and long heart to heart talks, that was the absolute truth.

"I just don't see why everyone thinks he's so wonderful," he said. "The entire family is just wrong. What kind of people adopt teenagers and let them sleep together?"

I was silent, giving him one of my therapeutic looks, specifically the one where I look sort of concerned, interested and caring, but also where I indicate that I know this rant of bullshit is a device to divert both our attention away from whatever the real issue is.

"Look, I'm sorry things are shaky with you and Jess," I said. "I know how feel about her. Have you talked to her about all this?"

"Yeah," he said. "She denies it, but she definitely acts guilty. You should see how she reacts anytime he walks into the room."

"Hmm… " was all I could say, because just then there was a knock at my door.

"Come in," I called, expecting Mr. Colter or Doreen with a stack of paperwork, but instead it was Edward, in the wrong place at the exact wrong moment. My heart sank a little as I saw the irritation settle like a storm cloud on Mike's face and then the immediate concern register on Edward's.

"I'll come back later," Edward said.

"Yeah," I said.

"I was just leaving," Mike said and scowled as he stood up. "We were done."

"No," I said. "We weren't."

"I have a biology test," Mike insisted.

"Fine, but I'm calling you down at lunch," I said.

"Okay," Mike said and ducked out. He tried to knock into Edward's shoulder as he passed him, bully style, but Edward appeared to have moved out of the way instantly. It was like watching a movie with a bunch of frames missing. Mike stumbled forward and then gave Edward a look that was as confused as I felt before he sauntered off to class.

"I see the girls were not successful in getting you to come back to the club," I said.

"It's better I'm not there," he said. "You saw what just happened here."

"I don't get why he's so bugged by you," I said.

"Jessica," Edward said.

"Are you and Jessica… ?"

"Of course not," he said, irritated. "Do you honestly think I'd steal Mike's girlfriend?"

"No, actually," I said. "But it's not like it doesn't happen. This is a high school, you know."

"Jessica Stanley?" He laughed. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Okay then," I said. "What can I do for you?"

"I wanted to know if you were going to be around over spring break," he said, a sly look about him, as though he already knew the answer. I tried to suppress the scowl I felt creeping onto my face as I thought of Derek going away without me.

"Why?" I asked.

"I need to sail Reckoner back to her slip in Port Angeles from Seattle."

"Wow… That's sounds like a great trip," I said, confused. "What is that, about a day?"

"It's a long day if there's good wind," he said. If we were in a bar instead of a high school, I might have guessed he was about to buy me a drink, the way he was looking at me. "I was wondering if you'd like to help me bring her home."

I sat for what felt like ten minutes contemplating this offer. He watched me patiently, a small smirk on his face, like he knew how impossible this invitation was. I did an internal inventory of my possible replies. There was, "Ha ha, you're kidding, right?" but I knew he wasn't. There was, "Well, that's very sweet of you, but I've got plans," which was a lie, not that it mattered under those circumstances. There was the addressing-the-underlying-issue-head-on reply, "Edward, we've got to stop meeting like this," but that would make the assumption there was more to this invite than a simple acknowledgement that I loved to sail and that I loved his boat. Any sailor would want to sail Reckoner. And the truth was, there was little else I could think of that I'd like to do more than sail with Edward on Reckoner over spring break.

"Edward, you don't need my help to sail Reckoner to Port Angeles. You singlehanded her to Tahiti."

"I know. But I thought you might enjoy the sail."

I should have said something right there and then to let him know in no uncertain terms that I wouldn't go into that fuzzy, weird social territory with him again.

"Who else is going?" I asked.

"You can invite Mr. Banner if you like," he said. "Is he going to be around next week?"

This moment tested my will like none I'd ever confronted. He could have dangled a million dollar bills in front of me and it wouldn't have been as alluring as his invitation to sail, to spend an entire day on the water, on the boat of my dreams, with him—a human being I was alarmingly attracted to. I knew what my answer should have been. I could hear the words in my head. But those are not the words I spoke aloud.

"When do we leave?" I asked.

The look on his face was unmistakable. He was happy. Very happy. I'd never said or done anything to make Edward so happy, and his happiness? It made me happy too. Very happy. In fact, the abundance of good energy in that room almost obliterated the "Holy shit, what have I done?" instant remorse I had, almost knocked the fear I had for my reputation and my career right on its ass. It was that good.

But it was just another indicator that I had launched myself into deep water knowing just a couple of strokes.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE

Don'ts

Friday night before spring break I went to Derek's house for dinner as usual. I had briefly—very briefly—debated telling him about the sailing trip with Edward. I knew that I shouldn't be taking that trip for professional and ethical reasons, but I also knew I'd probably never get another chance to sail on Reckoner, and I knew Edward wouldn't tell anyone. Our last secret, I decided. And hell, if Derek had been man enough to ask me to go visit his parents none of this would be an issue. Okay, so it wasn't really his fault, but at the time, being pissed off at him helped.

I was anxious as I hung out with him that night, guilty conscience getting the better of me.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Just thinking."

"About?"

"Life stuff," I said. "Charlie and Sue's wedding for one."

"Ah," he said. "You're happy about their engagement, right?"

"Yeah," I said. "But it is weird getting a step-mother when you're thirty years old, plus two step-siblings."

"You all get along though, don't you?"

"Sure," I said. "Leah and Seth are great. We don't have a whole lot in common, but whenever we get together we get along fine." I didn't mention all the beer that was usually involved at those gatherings.

"It's just the wedding itself then?"

"I have a tough time with weddings," I said. I had been to a couple of weddings since I'd moved back to Forks and they were really hard to get through without crying. It's not unusual to cry at weddings, I understand, but usually those are sappy, happy tears. Not the brace yourself so you don't sob inappropriately kind of tears.

"Well, I'll be right beside you," he said and then put his arms around me. I felt better then, realizing that this time I wouldn't be going to a wedding by myself. I had someone. I turned and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I'm really glad about that," I said. Then I figured this was as good a time as any to bring up what was really bugging me. "You know, I'm disappointed you won't bring me to meet your parents this week."

"I know you are, and I'm sorry," he said, truly apologetic. "I want to introduce you and I promise we'll go see them soon. I just don't want them to make you uncomfortable."

"Really?" I said. "That's what you're worried about?"

"Yes," he said. "I'm going to tell them all about you this week. I'm bringing photos and everything. I want to make sure they understand I'm serious about you and get all of their prying questions out of the way before you meet them."

"So, you're trying to protect me?" Suddenly I felt very different about his trip home, better, but guilty. "I guess I could have protected you more from Chief Swan. He packs heat."

"He wasn't that bad." He laughed and then led me into the kitchen. "Come on, I'll show you how to make a respectable empanada."

As we were cooking, I managed to cover half his kitchen in flour, which he then slipped in, getting himself covered in it too. He chased me around the kitchen table, laughing like a mad man, and I ran from him into the living room. He caught me and we ended up in a flour-covered wrestling match on the couch. I thought I was doing fairly well and then he pinned me down. I stopped laughing and gave him a wicked grin. I liked being pinned. I do believe that he liked that I liked being pinned, too, because he got real hard, real fast there on top of me. I kissed him and he pressed himself to me.

"I know you've been patient," he said, kissing my neck. "I want you to know how much that means to me."

"I know," I said, breathless and very turned on.

"We've both been married before, right? It's not like we're virgins."

"Right," I said and caught my breath as he kissed me again on the lips.

"Things are headed in the right direction, so I think we can go a little further," he said as he kissed my ear. "I'm going to miss you this week and you look so hot tonight." He began to unbutton my shirt as his lips came down on mine again.

I let out a long breath as I felt his erection rub into my thigh and I spread my legs under him. He kissed my chest as I fumbled to unhook my bra. He kissed my breast softly and I moaned as I moved under him, trying to feel his cock against me through our pants. I pulled his shirt off and felt a small thrill at the touch of his bare chest against mine. I put my hand down his pants and he growled, "That feels so good," as I started rub him.

"Let's take these off," I whispered in his ear, tugging at the button on his jeans. He slid his pants off and laid on top of me in his boxers and I wrapped my fingers around him. His skin was smooth, soft and warm under my touch. I suddenly was desperate to fuck him, even though I knew that wouldn't happen. Not yet. He kissed me again and I began to stroke him. Within a matter of seconds he came, a lackluster expulsion of his morality, right in the palm of my hand.

"It's been awhile," he said, somewhat embarrassed.

"It's okay," I said. I kept kissing him, but the energy of the moment was definitely gone.

"Let me clean this up," he whispered.

"No, let it stay dirty," I said, nibbling his ear. "We don't have to stop, do we?"

"Your pants," he said. "Did you bring extra clothes?"

"I'll throw them in the laundry." He was totally ruining the mood. "Here, I'll take them off." I slid my jeans off and he ran his hand over my thigh. I kissed his neck and put my hand on his cock.

"Oh Bella, I think I love you," he said in a low, sexy voice, his eyes closed. It was the kind of statement one might make sort of as a joke, like if I'd just cleaned his garage out for him and he wanted to point out how cool he thought that made me. But the words were out there. I don't know if he really meant to put them there, but there they were, hanging in the space over us. I had to pull away from him and study his face to see what I might read there. He opened his eyes.

"You know I do," he said softly.

"Me too," I said and kissed him.

#

All day Saturday after Derek left I fretted over the sailing trip. What had I done? Was I destined to fuck up every decent chance I had at a healthy relationship? I should have backed out but the truth was, I didn't want to. So I didn't.

Edward called Sunday night to say the forecast looked promising for Monday. "Good wind, overcast, but the waves shouldn't be too bad."

We met the next morning at the marina in Port Angeles at 5:30 a.m. and left my car there as our ride home. I'd offered to rent a car to drive up to Seattle, but he wanted to drive.

"Carlisle is at our apartment in Seattle and he can bring my car back," he said.

"Does he know you're taking me on a cruise?" I asked.

"Sure," he said. "Why? Shouldn't he?"

"Of course," I said. "I mean, why wouldn't your parents know?" My stomach almost dropped through the car floor as I considered the idea that his parents—and no one else—knew about my sail with Edward. Hope that didn't come up at the next PTO meeting.

"I didn't tell anyone," I said.

"Good," he said in such a way that made me blush from head to toe. I turned my face toward the window. Get a grip, Bella, I thought. Get a handle on this before it veers off the cliff.

"I should have told somebody," I said, trying make light of it. "I mean, what if we don't make it?"

"You mean what if I throw you overboard on the way?" He teased me. "Are you going to do that bad a job as First Mate, I'll have to make you walk the plank?"

"Maybe," I said. "It's been a long time since I've done any sailing."

"You still know your starboard from your port, right?"

"Port has the same number of letters as 'left' doesn't it?"

What the hell was I thinking? I was going to spend an entire day alone with Edward at sail, and I just admitted to him that nobody knew I was with him. This was major, counselor-license-revoking trouble, with the added drama of potential public humiliation. I could see that now. The truth is, I could see it when he asked me along for the trip, but something about Edward made me unable to think straight. Like, if he suggested that maybe I'd like to skydive from an antique war plane, I'd think, yeah, maybe I would. If he recommended I start mainlining heroin, I might consider it.

Once again I promised myself that this would be it. After this one last day with him, I'd never allow myself to be alone with him again. Ever. There was too much at stake, and I didn't want to drag him down into some embarrassing tabloid style "staff seduces student" scandal. In a town the size of Forks, that would be a special kind of misery for us both. Then I mentally slapped myself. What the hell was I thinking would be going on here? My mind raced in confusion. It wasn't a big deal, right? We weren't technically doing anything wrong. It was just a sail. Just a sail.

"You're awfully quiet," he observed.

"It's early," I said, taking a swig of coffee from my travel mug. "I'm not a morning person."

"So that's why you're late to work all the time," he said.

#

We got to Bell Harbor and began to prepare Reckoner for sail. The wind was coming up nicely, though the sky was overcast as predicted. Edward scaled the rigging, checking to make sure it was intact. I removed the sail bags and he started the engine. He took the wheel as I uncleated the lines that kept us secured to the dock. Then he gave us a shove and we were off. My heart raced as I watched the harbor slowly recede as we motored away from the port.

"She's all yours, Miss Swan," he said, stepping off the wheel.

"Oh, I can't," I said.

"Sure you can," he said. "It'll be much easier for me to get the sails up if you steer." I stood up and could not keep the face splitting grin in check. "Put us on a North by North West heading, 314 degrees," he said. "That'll take us to marker 22."

I took the helm from Edward and felt the weight of Reckoner heavy in my hands. For now she was mine, would do my bidding. Edward hoisted the mainsail and I felt her catch a solid breeze and surge forward into the waves. Elated, I cried out, "I'm moving to this boat. Sorry!" Edward laughed and raised the jib. I held the wheel steady as we cruised on a perfect, broad reach towards the marker.

"You're good luck," he called back. "The wind is perfect." He came back and sat in the cockpit and grinned at me. "Looks like you remember plenty. When's the last time you handled a boat?"

"Six years ago," I said. "There's a lot I don't remember. Don't ask me sailing terms."

"Why did you stop?"

"Because," I said, but didn't continue. I'd stopped because Zachary died and that part of my life ended, I thought. But there I was, handling a vintage Hinckley out of Seattle, barely able to contain the adrenaline and the enthusiasm I was feeling. Edward smiled contentedly at me as I ran my hands lovingly over Reckoner's wheel.

"What?" I asked him.

"You look so happy," he said.

"I am," I said, smiling back. And I was happy. Confused, but happy.

We eased into the sail together, relaxing under the cloudy sky and the brisk wind as Reckoner took us from heading to heading, slicing our way through Puget Sound. We talked a lot about music. I asked how Mercy had been. I wondered if anything had developed between them, hoping it had, hoping it hadn't.

"She's recording again," he said. "The woman is prolific. She's got enough new material to fill a hard drive. You should come to one of her sessions."

"Where is she recording?"

"At my house," he said. "She's still staying with us."

"Oh," I said. "Are you two together now?"

Edward smiled. "Why do you ask?"

"Because she seems like a good match for you," I said, honestly. Though that was only part of the reason I asked. "She's beautiful, talented. Actually, I never asked how old she is. She's out of high school, right?"

"She doesn't sail," he said. "I can't go out with a girl who doesn't sail."

"Well, you're really limiting your choices then," I said, my heart racing. "Most girls your age don't."

"Yeah, it's a real problem," he teased. "But that's okay. I'm in no rush."

He laughed and then climbed forward to adjust one of the lines. I studied him as he gracefully moved over her deck, adjusting lines, trimming sails. It was like he was a living part of her, her own consciousness, maybe her very soul. I felt oddly jealous of Reckoner—how I'd love to be adored by Edward the way she was. How I envied all that time she had him all to herself, carrying him off to distant shores.

I had to get control over my thoughts again before I gave myself away anymore than I already had this day.

"You really love this boat," I said when he came back to the cockpit.

"I could live on her," he said. "Sometimes I do."

"I can see why."

"I can't believe you haven't sailed Puget sound in the four years you've been here," he said. "That's a crime. The San Juans are some of the best sailing anywhere. I'll take you this summer."

"I thought you were circumnavigating."

"Come with me," he said. And though he was smiling, I was pretty sure he wasn't kidding.

"Yeah, right. My trust fund is a little smaller than yours."

"It wouldn't cost you a thing."

"Only my job."

I had to change the subject. I started talking about my high school days, telling him stories about really bad plays I'd been in and getting kicked off the cheerleading squad for being too uncoordinated. I finally came around to the topic of Zachary, since he'd been a big part of my high school life. I talked about his love of muscle cars and how he taught me to change a tire at sixteen and how he'd always wanted to learn guitar but never got the chance.

"How old were you when you got married?"

"Nineteen," I said. "Too young, really, but we were in love."

"But you were happy, right?"

"Very happy." I looked away, feeling choked up. "We were married five years before he was killed in Afghanistan."

"I'm sorry," Edward said, putting his hand over mine. "I know how painful it is to lose someone you love."

There was a tenderness in his voice that wrapped itself around my heart and held it so gently I nearly shed full tears. I looked into his eyes and saw the same compassion reflected there.

"I'm sure you do," I said. "And I'm sorry. You're very young to have experienced that kind of loss."

His face gave away something else. Concern. Something troubled him, and something immediate, not a painful memory of some childhood tragedy.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said. I studied his expression carefully but couldn't read anything into it, other than the fact that we needed to break some of this emotional intensity.

"I'm going to go below and grab a bottle of water," I said, standing up. "Do you want one?"

"No thanks," he said and looked at the chart. "We should take a break in Port Ludlow. I'll buy you dinner."

"No," I said. "You can't buy me dinner."

"You've got to be hungry." I couldn't deny that I was, but I shook my head vigorously. "We'll stop and you can buy yourself dinner. How's that?"

"That I can do," I said.

#

An hour later we motored into a marina and docked. We disembarked and I went to freshen up in the locker room. As I checked myself out in the mirror a thousand twisted, conflicted feelings tormented me. I thought of Derek in Portland, talking to his parents about us. Then I thought of Edward and his family and how welcoming they had been that evening back in December. Then I stopped myself. What was I doing, comparing my 37-year-old boyfriend to my 17-year-old student? I ran into the deli and bought a couple of sandwiches for us and went back to the boat.

We were sitting in the cabin, Edward at the chart table and me cleaning up in the galley after devouring my sandwich. I watched him intently as he plotted the course from Port Ludlow to Port Angeles. He was in deep concentration, biting his lower lip, making scratches on the chart in pencil. I stared at his face, for once without him noticing me. His eyes were a light amber, so strange for the low light of the cabin. I didn't understand how his eyes could change color like that. I assumed he wore colored contacts sometimes, but despite his good looks vanity seemed out of character for him. His brow wrinkled and his jaw tightened as he contemplated the route. I loved watching him think. It was almost as though if I stared hard enough, I might actually hear what was in his head. He looked up and caught me staring and then gave me a half smile.

"What?" he asked.

"Why not just use a GPS?"

"What fun is that?" He shook his head. "We're going to have to do some night sailing if you want to make it home tonight. Are you okay with that?"

"I've never been sailing at night," I said.

"Well, if you prefer we can anchor in the cove and finish up in the morning."

Oh my God, I thought. Spend the night with Edward Cullen aboard Reckoner? Was that even a real possibility?

"I'll stay up top," he added.

"I couldn't make you do that," I said without thinking.

He raised an eyebrow and I did not miss the insinuation. "Shall we keep going then?" he asked.

I knew the answer had to be an immediate, emphatic yes. Yes, Edward, we need to keep going. Ha ha, of course we can't spend the night together on your very sexy, expensive yacht. But I was stumped for words because I was too busy fighting the impulse to push him into the stateroom and rip his clothes off and just… fuck it. Get it over with. He wouldn't protest.

"You're the Captain," I said. "It's your call."

He wasn't looking at me anymore, he was eyeing me. Sizing me up. My breath came shallow and quick along with my pulse. I knew exactly what he was thinking, and I could have, should have strongly discouraged him. But I have to be honest and say I didn't. I didn't do anything but stare at him, waiting for his next move.

He came out from behind the chart table and approached me, almost like he was approaching a frightened, wild animal for capture. Then he stood far too close, placing his hands on the counter on either side of me, trapping me. His presence made my head feel fuzzy, my legs weak.

"Let's see," he said in mock contemplation, looking down at me. "I can have you all to myself here overnight or rush you back to Port Angeles under sail in the dark. What to do, what to do?"

"You know, that's kind of not funny."

"I'm not kidding," he said.

"Edward," I said, fumbling for words, my mouth completely uncooperative with my mind. "Listen…"

"I know what you're going to say," he said, cutting me off, taking my hands in his. "You don't have to say it."

He caressed the palm of my hand with his thumb, an unsubtle move that caused me to gasp in surprise. He looked into my eyes and I had to close them quickly, my mind growing numb as that utterly wrong reality emerged between us.

"You know I'd never compromise your position," he said, and he even sounded convincing. But then I felt his lips on my brow, soft, cool, vanquishing, sending every last thought of protest out of my mind. There was nothing but the feeling of his lips on my skin. Then he moved his mouth to my ear and whispered, "Unless you want me to."

I exhaled a heavy breath. I couldn't move. It was my call, but I couldn't answer. I want you to, I want you to, I thought, but I can't let you.

I couldn't deny that the very reason I came on this trip was because I was attracted to him. I set this entire thing up to happen. Now it was happening, and all I could think was, fuck. I didn't really mean for it to happen. I didn't mean to lead him on. Right?

"No one would ever know," he said. "I swear to you."

"I… I'm seeing Mr. Banner," I said, as if that was some kind of answer.

"You know he's not right for you."

"How would you know?"

"I see you every day," he said. "I'm observant. I know things."

"Well then you should know that I'd never be… with a student," I said.

He laughed. "Why didn't you tell Derek you were coming to spend the entire day all alone with me out here?" He was quite amused, not at all uncomfortable like I was. I felt my face flush with shame.

"I don't know," I said. "It was a mistake. And you've got to believe me—I've never, ever, ever done anything even remotely like this before. You're the first… oh my God… that's not what I mean… "

"I know that, Bella," he said, his voice reassuring. He gently stroked the side of my face, tipping my chin up so I'd look at him and I cringed. "Relax. It's okay." He kissed my forehead again and then my cheek, and again my head emptied itself of every single worry as I soaked in the feeling of him, the scent of him. But I just couldn't do this.

"Edward, please, please don't." I implored him. "I really care about you. Very much. If I was seventeen I would sail away with you and never look back. But that's just not how it is."

"You know, technically I'll be eighteen in June. Then what?"

"Please stop," I said, shaking my head, burying my face in my hands. "I can't do this. I just can't."

"Okay, okay," he said and put his arms around me. "I'm sorry. Take a breath."

I buried my face in his shoulder and tried to just breathe but he smelled so good it made me want to do terrible things. He smelled as though he was made of cold winter air and the deep sea and tall trees in summer and the night sky. That scent made me feel like an animal, subservient to instinct alone. I put my arms around his waist and let my nose rest against his neck and inhaled deeply. That was a big mistake.

I began kissing his neck, so lightly at first it was nearly imperceptible, but once I tasted his skin I couldn't stop. My lips wandered up to his jawline and then over to his ear with a will all their own, surprising us both. I ran my hands through the thick of his hair, holding his head to me as I moved my lips behind his ear and kissed him there, never allowing myself to think. There was no room in my oxytocin soaked brain for rationality, consequences.

He pulled back from me slowly, gripping me by the shoulders, searching my eyes intently for something, possibly dispensation. But the me that boarded Reckoner that morning wasn't available to give consent just then. That version of myself had been annihilated by the impossible desire his proximity, his scent had awakened in me. And I believe that when he looked at me right then, that's all there was to see. Undiluted, one hundred percent concentrated desire. I felt my own eyes go black with it.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said, and backed me up against the counter. I felt his hands move over my ass as he lifted me up onto the counter, pressing himself between my legs, holding me fast. "I'm only so strong."

Then his lips came down, powerful, urgent, onto my own, an impossibly hot, open mouthed kiss. His breath, my breath, his hand on the back of my head, his fingers tangled in my hair, destroying every last bit of sanity I had in me. Seventeen or not, I wanted him. Now. Badly. And I hated myself for this, for what I now knew I was capable of. But I couldn't stop. Whatever he wanted of me, it would be his.

He carried me to the stateroom and then he was on top of me, pinning me to the berth so I couldn't move beneath him, though I wanted to reach for him, I wanted to kiss him again, wanted to feel his mouth covering mine, to taste him, to breathe him. His face was hovering just above mine, like he was still searching for answers. My breathing came too fast, was too shallow and the room started to spin. I felt disoriented and then strangely afraid, but I still had the rush of adrenaline pumping my sexual desire through me like a freight train out of control down a mountain.

"You're really confused, aren't you?" he asked, trying to understand, I imagine, how my brain and the rest of my body could be so entirely out of sync. "Bella, I don't want you to hate yourself. I don't want you to fear me."

I started to cry and he pulled me into his arms. "I'm not afraid of you. I'm afraid of myself."

"I'm sorry," he said. "Please don't be upset."

"What am I doing?" I asked, choking back a full throated sob. "Edward, I am so sorry. I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't have come on this trip."

"No, I'm sorry," he said. "This was all my fault."

"I led you on," I said, wiping my eyes.

"You think you led me on?" He was genuinely surprised. "Is that really what you think happened here?"

"I made you think it was possible for us to be… I don't know, and you're right, here I am, alone with you, nobody knows I'm here. What else could you think?"

"You haven't done anything wrong."

"I kissed you," I said.

"No, I kissed you," he said.

"I started it," I said. "I kissed you on the neck."

"It was only a kiss," he said. "No damage done, no one will be the wiser."

"Edward, I really am in a relationship with Derek, you believe me, right?" I pulled myself out of his arms and moved across the room. I couldn't be that close to him any longer.

"Of course I do," he said, frowning. "He's very attached to you."

"You think?" I asked.

"Definitely. He's going to propose to you. Soon."

"What?" I felt my face go pale. "Why would you even think such a thing?"

"I can read people," he said. "It's on his mind, trust me." He looked up at me. "What will you say? Yes or no?"

"I…" My stomach dropped to the floor. All of a sudden I wanted nothing more than to be off that boat and under the covers of my bed. "I don't feel well," I said, and really meant it.

Edward ran and got a bucket and I put it to my face and heaved my dinner into it. Edward handed me some water. I humiliated myself in the bucket several more times as he held my hair.

"We're staying," he said. "I think you need to get off the boat for a bit."

#

After an hour ashore, I insisted that we continue back to Port Angeles that night, and we made it back somewhere after midnight. I spent the rest of the sail sipping water and watching what I could of the horizon. I absolutely could not trust myself to stay on the boat overnight with him.

I felt like shit when we disembarked and Edward drove my car home. I think he felt responsible for making me sick. Somewhere on the way I fell asleep, still queasy. He woke me when we arrived at my house.

"I need to get you home," I said. "You should have driven us to your house."

"It's okay, Carlisle is coming to pick me up here," he said. "I'll wait for him on the porch."

"No," I said. "Don't be ridiculous. Come in."

We went inside and sat at the kitchen table. I must have been some special shade of green, because he looked at me like I had the plague.

"You really look awful," he said. "Maybe you should lie down and go to sleep. I can let myself out."

"Edward, we have to talk," I said.

"No, we don't," he said.

"We have to address what happened out there," I said. "I have really screwed up. I should have had better boundaries with you. I am so sorry. For everything."

"Stop," he said. "You're being too hard on yourself. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes I did," I said, trying to keep myself from cracking. "I should never have taken that trip with you today."

"The trip was fine until I ruined it," he said. "We were having a great time."

"I did have a great time," I said. "That's not the point. I was completely out of control with you."

"Let's not agonize over it, okay?" he said. "Nothing happened. You did nothing wrong, and nobody is ever going to know we were out today unless you tell them."

"I don't want you to keep secrets to protect me. That's wrong."

"Bella, please," he said. "Do not make this a bigger deal than it is. You're with Derek, right? You don't have any real interest in me. It was just one of those things." Did I really believe that? No. Not at all. But I didn't say anything. "And to tell you the truth, I am interested in Mercy. I was just, I don't know. Cold feet. So you don't have to worry about me feeling anything I shouldn't. We can just go back to how it was."

"That's such bullshit," I said.

"Don't be difficult," he said, pissed off. "I'm trying to help you."

"I need to report myself for misconduct. I should tell your parents. I'm going to talk to Principal Colter. I'll have to quit my job."

"Absolutely not," he said. "You can't do that."

We stared at each other silently, like some contest of wills. We both knew that the best course of action would involve impossibilities like time travel, erasing recent history and starting over from several months back. But there was this sense that no matter how many times we might go back in time and take a different road, they all led right here.

"Listen Bella, there's more than just your conscience at stake here."

What had I done to him? My mind raced, cluttered and useless as I tried to solve this problem, but it was too big for me. I couldn't remember ever fucking anything up quite this epically.

"Okay," I said. "I won't turn myself in. But we can't be around each other anymore."

"I know," he said. "The timing is just all wrong here."

Carlisle's car pulled into the driveway. We both heard it but Edward stood there, looking at me in that way of his where I know there is more he wants to say but never will. And there's even more that I can't say to him. Those things left unsaid become quiet, insistent drones of longing constrained by rules that can't be ignored, even though we sometimes cheat. But in this moment they embody truths that cannot be touched by words. Still they force our hands, pushing us to deeds we might not otherwise do if only we could name them.

"Thank you for the sail," I finally said. "The wind was really perfect."

"It was," he said, and paused as though considering whether to add more, but finally deciding against it. "Good night."

"Good night," I said, my stomach knotting itself as he opened the door and slipped out into the night where his father waited.


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Do's

I had to step up my relationship with Derek. He was a good man and he cared about me and when I was with him, I was able to think straight. I considered confessing what had happened with Edward, but I kept thinking of what Edward said, and I knew he was right—there was more at stake here than just my feelings. And although I feared that secret was going to breed like maggots on dead flesh I decided to keep it. Because he asked me to.

For the rest of break I called Derek every day. "Hi! How was your day? How are your parents? I miss you." That sort of thing. Talking to him helped me feel safe. Normal. He was glad to hear from me, too. And when he got home from his parents' the Saturday before break ended, I did something I never thought I'd do.

"I want to come to church with you tomorrow," I said.

"Really?"

"Yes, don't you want me to?" I asked.

"Of course," he said, smiling. "I'd love to bring you to church. I just thought you weren't interested."

"I'm interested in anything that's important to you," I said.

The thought of going to Derek's church made me nervous. I'd always been very philosophically and politically to the left. I was raised sort of a part-time Catholic, never going to church much outside of weddings and funerals. But I knew one thing. Church was a big deal to Derek, and if I was going to seriously consider moving forward in this relationship, I was going to have to check it out.

When he came to pick me up the next day he graciously let me know I was a bit over dressed, which I could see given he looked ready for an afternoon hike, not a morning worship service. "We're not there to impress anyone," he explained.

The unassuming structure that he worshipped in underscored that point. I felt like I was being taken to a morning shift at a warehouse. When we walked in, a Christian rock band was setting up. I felt my stomach lurch from nerves.

"You'll love the band," he smiled. "They're really good. Totally uplifting."

I doubted it.

But, I knew that I had deeply held biases about religion and I tried to be honest with myself. I wanted to be open-minded for Derek's sake. If he had this kind of faith, then out of my respect for him I had to respect it. So I muzzled my inner bitch for the next two hours and just tried to pay attention to what the preacher had to say.

I was surprised to find that the message was something I could relate to. There was some talk of sin and hell that turned me off, but the core message was one of love and fellowship and aspiring to a higher purpose, and I could deal with that. I wished I could believe the fairy tale these folks believed about eternal life. In fact, I thought with a little more work I could stretch my empirical science loving brain enough to consider the possibility that the world was not just those things that we can see, hear, touch, smell or taste. Maybe there was some magic left in it after all. These people certainly believed so.

"So?" Derek asked me, beaming, over a post-church brunch. "Think you might come back next week?"

"Sure," I said. If coming to church with Derek would clinch the deal between us, I was willing.

#

Ever since that day out on Reckoner Edward had kept to his word and stayed away from me. For a week after break he didn't even come back to school and I worried, but not seeing him definitely helped me hate myself a little less for what I'd done. Still, I missed him.

After two weeks of not speaking to him at all, I thought maybe I could really get over it. Maybe what had happened on Reckoner was just a momentary slip of mine, something I could move on from. I was only human, right? Things happen.

The more time I spent with Derek the safer I felt. He had strong opinions, a solid career, a 401K. He knew what he wanted and didn't play around. We even talked about taking a cruise to the Galapagos over the summer together. And as things progressed, I felt grounded in something very stable, like a tree in midlife with roots deep into solid soil. Sometimes it almost felt too stable—like having my feet set in concrete. But I knew the kind of emotional shipwreck I was capable of left to my own. Wallowing in self pity, popping pills, drinking too much, seducing teenage boys. I behaved much better when Derek was around. So as long as nobody tossed me into deep water, I'd deal with it.

And then, Edward's prediction came true.

"Friday I want to take you somewhere nice for dinner," Derek said one Monday morning at work. "For a change."

"Chez Banner isn't nice enough?" I asked.

"I have something special planned," he said.

"What?"

"It's a surprise. Wear the black dress."

There I found myself, on the precipice of something I knew was probably a very good thing for me: another chance at marriage with a solid man who loved me. On its surface, this was something to celebrate. But beneath the surface, I wrestled with doubt and insecurity. I'd expected to have a little more time before this moment came.

"Friday," Edward said to me when he came to my office later that day. "He's going to propose to you on Friday."

"He told you that?"

"No," he said. "But it's going to happen. Trust me. What are you going to say?"

"I thought you were seeing Mercy now?"

"What does that have to do with anything? Tell me you're not going marry someone you know is wrong for you," he said, growing angrier.

"What makes you think he's so wrong for me?" The size of his enormous ego made me want to hit him.

"What's the big hurry?" Edward asked. "Is it the whole sex issue?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" I said, my face growing red.

"Don't rush into marriage just because Derek wants to get laid."

He could have just slapped me.

I walked to my window and stared outside, seething. Edward came and stood behind me and damn it if I didn't feel every muscle in my body tense in reaction to his presence. He gently moved the hair away from my ear.

"Don't do it," he whispered, his lips brushing the back of my ear. I swear I couldn't even remember what we were talking about for a full minute. He slipped his hands around my waist and held me, and I should have, but did not push him away. "Please don't marry him," he said more insistently.

There was no real reason for my heart to break in half the way it did when he said that. We were nothing to each other but a bad idea, and I could see that I'd nurtured his attachment to me far too much. For his sake, I had to put a stop to this.

"Edward Cullen," I said, "The senior prom is in just a few weeks. There are at least eighty five girls in this school who would die to go with you." I turned back to face him. "I went to prom thirteen years ago, okay? You are at a different place in your life than I am and you need to be with people your own age."

"Bella, you don't know the first thing about what I need." And then he left.

#

I was overwhelmed. Confused. Upset. I had to talk to someone before I started to feel too desperate, so that very night I drove out to Port Angeles to see Illeana, the one person I knew I could confess everything to, the one person I knew would give it to me straight.

"How soon will he be eighteen?" she asked, shocking me.

"He's a student. That doesn't matter."

"Well, legally it does, right?"

"I'll lose my job," I argued.

"Honey, he's rich. Who cares if you lose your job?"

"I'm not going to marry him, Jesus!" I said. "I'm not going to do anything with him. He's a kid. Besides, he's going out with Mercy Brown now."

"Bullshit," she said. "Mercy Brown likes girls."

"What?"

"She's a lesbian."

"How do you know?"

"I saw her making out with some girl in the club that night after the show."

"So? She's probably bisexual," I pointed out.

"She's not. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Edward is in love with you."

"Illeana, he's too young."

"I don't know, Bella. I can't put my finger on it but he's not normal. He's not just pseudo-mature, either. He's an old soul, I can tell that much. And besides, you love him. You know you do."

"Don't say that," I said.

"It's the truth," she said. "You can fight it all you want."

"What am I going to do about Derek?"

"You're not going to say yes, are you?"

"I don't know what to say."

"Then that's your answer."

The next day I called Jake and told him I needed to talk. When I told him I was going to be proposed to he actually sounded upset. He met me at the Mill and we ordered a pizza and Rainiers and it just felt so good to be out with him—so normal. I had no intention of telling him anything about Edward. I was too embarrassed and confused so I just stuck to the problem at hand.

"Why do you think he's going to propose?" Jake asked. "Is he giving you signals?"

"Yeah," I said. "Well, it's not a typical kind of situation."

"Why?"

"How do I explain this? Don't laugh or I will hit you. We haven't had sex yet," I said.

"Go on," he said.

"He's very conservative."

"I knew it."

"And he won't have sex with me until we're married," I said. "And it's getting very obvious that he… wants to. But that's not the actual reason he wants to marry me. It's just… we've been… I tried… oh Jesus. I can't even explain it."

"Bella," Jake said gently, taking my hand in his. I looked up at him and bit my lip to keep my eyes from tearing up. Damn him. Damn him for not being in love with me. It would have been so much easier to be with Jake. "Do you love him?" he asked.

"Yes," I said. "I do. We get along well. I don't drink around him." Jake rolled his eyes. "I guess I feel like I am a better person when I'm around him, you know? He makes me a better woman."

"Sure, okay. Whatever. Are you still you?" he asked.

"I don't know," I said.

"Don't do it. Don't marry him."

"Jake, I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, you know?"

"You won't be, Bella," he said. "Have a little faith."

#

All week long Derek was extra sweet to me. He sent text messages, even during the school day, with hints about what might be coming Friday night. He sent email and dropped by my office during his breaks to hang out or sometimes steal a kiss.

I had been seriously contemplating a future as Mrs. Bella Banner. I didn't like the sound of that name, though it was a small thing. I could just leave my last name as Swan I thought, but then realized Derek might not like that. My nerves began to fray as I considered all of the different ways in which Derek and I were not all that compatible. Politics. Thai food. Porn. Early metal. And the disapproval from Illeana, Jacob and even Edward rattled my brain.

I was twitchy as the week wore on. By Thursday night, I found myself standing in my bathroom, staring at the pills in my medicine cabinet. I pulled out a couple of Klonopin and took them. As I felt the familiar waves of the sedative knocking me down several pegs, I remembered a past I didn't want to revisit. I didn't want to turn back.

When I came into work on Friday morning, there was a small bouquet of red baby roses sitting on my desk from him. "Can't wait for tonight, my love," the note said.

"Nice flowers," Red said, dropping a pile of papers on my desk. "So you and Derek, huh?"

"Yeah," I said.

"He's a great guy, Bella," he said. "You deserve a guy like him."

"Really?" I laughed. "I'm not so sure."

"Don't be silly," Red said. "Of course you do."

He was right about one thing—Derek was a great guy. I knew Illeana and Jake had my best interest at heart, but they weren't me. They didn't know everything I'd been through, and they didn't see how good Derek was to me. They didn't see how well we operated together when we were facilitating our group, when we were cooking dinner or doing something stupid like picking out a movie. We were partners—a team. And we had fun together. We were comfortable. And if we got married, I'm sure the sex would be just fine and we'd be able to work out our assorted differences. People did it all the time. I wasn't a kid, I knew no match was perfect. A good relationship takes work.

I needed something like this in my life. I needed a way forward into the future with someone who would make a good teammate. Someone who could keep me on the right path, away from pills and beer and off of wayward sea voyages with sexy young men who would cause my ruin.

If I was married, I knew I could keep myself away from Edward.

#

Friday night came and I was in the black dress, just as Derek had asked. I was nervous, but excited too. He picked me up, looking fantastic in his suit. I swear when I saw him, my fears about the future melted away in the comfort of his smile.

"You look beautiful," he said. "Let's go."

The entire ride to Port Angeles he spoke of the upcoming camping trip to Lake Crescent and how beautiful Olympic Park would be in the spring. He talked about the lodge at the far end of the lake, and how he wanted to take me there sometime, maybe for a "special event" of some sort. My stomach did flips as I listened to him chatter on.

We got out at the waterfront and walked along the pier, stopping to gaze out over Sequim Bay. For a brief moment I was reminded of my frantic trip here with Edward, but I brushed the thought aside. That was the past. The sun was setting, making spectacular patterns across the clouds. Derek took my hand in his and squeezed it lightly.

"Bella," he said. "These last months with you have been some of the best of my life. I feel like I can tackle the world with you," he said.

"Derek," I said, choking up, suddenly nervous as hell. I couldn't speak as the tears came.

He got down on one knee and looked up at me. "Bella Swan, will you make me the happiest man in the world? Will you marry me?"

The sun began its slow descent into the bay and a single gull lit on the railing of the pier, watching me. I imagined it to be Zachary, studying me here in this new part of my life. The part without him. The part where I fought to be some version of the good, person I had been before he died, sometimes more and sometimes less successfully.

Then I looked down at Derek intently, thinking this was it. It was time to take that step into my future. The one where I wouldn't be alone.

"Yes," I said.


	14. Chapter 14

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Flightless Bird

I walked into school on Monday with a shiny new rock on my left hand and received hearty congratulations from all my coworkers, especially Red. I retired to my office and began to dig into paperwork and waited. I knew it wouldn't be long.

Just after the first period bell, Edward showed up in my office. As I expected.

"You said yes," he said. "You actually said yes." He glowered at me in a way that probably should have frightened me, but just made me more convinced I'd done the right thing.

"Yeah," I said. "I said yes."

"Why?"

"Because… "

"Because you love him?" he asked.

"Yes," I said and looked away. I did love Derek. Of course I did. I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't love him. It just was a more mature, calm kind of love.

"You don't love him," he said. "He's just a safe bet and you know it."

"I'm not discussing this with you."

"Don't do this," he said. "You know it's a mistake."

"You've got to go now," I said. "I'm sorry."

"No, I'm the one who's sorry," he said, and left.

Edward's reaction convinced me I was doing the right thing. My marriage to Derek would help him move on, and clearly he needed to move on.

At Thoreau club the next afternoon, I was dismayed to see Edward had returned. I tried to think of an excuse to tell him he couldn't be there, but I had none and Erik, Paige, Angela and Jessica were all excited he'd come back. Mike, on the other hand, gave him the third degree.

"Oh sure, now that we're getting ready for the trip you come back. Mr. Banner, how is that fair?" Mike complained.

"You can't get full credit, Edward," Derek said. "I'm sorry. You can only miss three meetings and still get that."

"I'm not coming back to the club," he said. "I just had some information about the bears I thought you'd all be interested in."

"What is it?" Erik asked.

"I was out sailing this weekend off of La Push and saw about fifteen bears swimming toward the shore."

"So? Bears can swim," Mike said.

"But they don't live in big packs," Angela said, excitedly. "They're usually solitary."

"Right," Edward said. "This was almost like a tribe."

"That's so cool," Jessica said. Mike bristled.

"Miss Swan, we need to go see Jacob Black again," Paige said. "He must be able to tell us more about it."

"Can you call him, Miss Swan?" Angela asked.

"Of course," I took out my cell phone and dialed Jacob and caught a very uncomfortable look on Edward's face. So uncomfortable it caused me to pause and reconsider for a second, but then he looked away.

"Why, hello there Miss Swan," Jake answered with a sarcastic edge in his voice. I wasn't sure what his problem was, and was in no position to ask so I just asked him about the bears swimming off of La Push. He confirmed it. In fact, they'd begun building shelter on the perimeter of the Reservation for them since their numbers were growing and they wanted to give them someplace besides their garages and barns to crash. He also said it wasn't a good idea to bring the kids up until they could get a handle on what was going on.

"What do the elders say about it?" I asked.

"You don't even want to know," he said. "And by the way, congratulations on your engagement. I can't believe I had to hear it from your father, though. You're now on my shit list."

#

The next morning I walked into school and saw Angela and Erik sitting at a table in the hallway, selling prom tickets.

"Monte Carlo, gambling and Bond, James Bond," Erik said in his best Sean Connery voice to Jessica and Mike and a small crowd of other seniors as they bought their tickets.

I hated prom season. It always meant a steady stream of girls coming into my office to stress over dates, boyfriends, booze and whether a blow job technically constituted sex. It meant worrying about drunk teens on the road. It meant worrying, period.

But I loved prom itself. Modern America's real coming of age party. The kids always looked so grown up in their formals and their updos. Prom always made me a little weepy as I compared the seniors with their freshmen selves and saw what huge changes took place in the four years of their high school careers. It made me laugh a little to remember what it felt like to be their age, thinking I knew anything about the way the world worked. By thirty years old I was convinced I might never know.

To my surprise, the first senior girl who came to me for prom related hand wringing was Paige. Paige and I saw each other every week at Thoreau club, and we got along great but she'd never been the type of kid to seek me out for assistance. But this morning she came in, looking fairly perturbed.

"I need your opinion." She fiddled with a loose thread on the edge of the sofa. "You're pretty close with Edward, right?" she asked.

"About as close as I am with any of you young philosophers," I said, hoping my face didn't show the discomfort I felt inside. "Why?"

"Do you think he'd go to prom with me?"

I wasn't expecting that. I'd always assumed Edward wouldn't bother with prom. He hadn't attended a school function all year. He wasn't the type. Hell—who was I kidding? I didn't want him to go to prom. I didn't want to see him there looking heart-breakingly handsome in a tuxedo with some young pretty thing on his arm who had her whole life ahead of her.

But responsible me, professional me, knew that he should go. In fact, if he went and had a good time, he might start to get over me. And though I felt ill, really ill, when I thought about Edward falling in love with someone who wasn't me, I knew for his sake that he should. And if I had to pick one girl in the whole school who I thought Edward might actually take to prom, it would be Paige. She was smart, funny, easy to be around. No drama.

"Ask him," I said.

"Really? You think I should?"

"Sure," I said. "What's the worst that could happen?"

"He'll say no and hate me for making him feel awkward and not want to make eye contact with me ever again. That would suck."

"That won't happen," I said. "He'll be flattered you asked, regardless of his answer. But can I ask you a question?"

"What?"

"I sort of kind of thought you were a teeny tiny bit into Mike."

"It was that obvious?"

"Not at all," I said. "I just wondered."

"I've been in love with Mike Newton since tenth grade," she said. "But you cannot tell anyone that!"

"Paige, come on," I said. "You know I never would."

"It kills me because Jess doesn't really love Mike, but he's so in love with her and I think she takes advantage of him, like he's always going to be there for her no matter what. It pisses me off. It makes it really difficult to be friends, you know?"

I gave her a sympathetic smile. All she needed was a night alone with Edward and I was fairly certain her feelings for Mike would be a distant memory.

"Edward is so nice," she continued. "And I have no date and it's senior year and prom and I want to go, but I don't want to go alone and so I just thought… maybe, you know? Just as friends? Plus he's really hot."

"You should ask him," I encouraged. "The worst that will happen is he'll say he can't make it. But I doubt it will be catastrophic."

"Will you be there?"

"Of course," I said. "It's prom. I have to be on hand for punch bowl and drama duty."

#

An hour later Edward showed up in my office, looking like he'd just been punked.

"Did you put Paige up to asking me to the prom?"

"No," I said. "Why? Did she ask you?"

"Me go to prom? Are you kidding me? All that horrible pop music and gaudy overpriced dresses on the girls and tacky decorations? I'd rather spend an evening in hell itself."

"Prom is an important rite of passage," I said. "You shouldn't miss it."

"I can't believe this."

"Are your brothers and sisters going?"

"They are now," he said. "I'm not suffering alone."

"So Paige did ask you?"

"No, I asked her."

"You did?"

"Yes, I did," he said. "She was so nervous about the whole thing I couldn't stand it."

I couldn't help myself—I laughed. "Edward, that's just about the sweetest thing I've ever heard."

"This may come as a shock to you, but I can be sweet if the mood strikes me and why are you looking at me like that?" He glared at me suspiciously.

"Like what?" I said. I was looking at him like that because I'd been imagining him in a tux, at prom. The problem was he'd be there with Paige and not me. And he'd be dancing with her, not me. And I felt ridiculous, embarrassed at the thought.

He was only seventeen, I told myself. He probably couldn't dance all that well anyway. Stop fantasizing. No wait. I'd seen the Cullens dance and they were award-winning dancers, and supposedly Edward was better than all of them. I was engaged, I reminded myself. And thirty. And Derek was a fine dancer.

"Bella," Edward said, lowering his voice. He hesitated and then asked, "Do you have a date?"

"What?"

"For the wedding. Do you have a date?"

"Oh," I said. "June 30th."

"You can't marry him that soon. That's insane."

"We've both been married before, we're having something very small and I don't see the point in waiting and you know what?" I lowered my voice to try to contain my anger. "I'll marry whomever I choose, whenever I choose. I am thirty years old, thank you very much."

"God," he said. "You're impossible."

"Me? Impossible? I'm not the one trying to tell you who you can't marry."

"No, you just set me up with a prom date you know I don't want."

"First of all, I didn't set that up. And second of all, Paige is a great girl. Maybe you should get to know her better." I almost gagged as I said it, my stomach turned so hard.

"June? Are you kidding me?"

"Edward you'll be halfway across the Pacific, what do you care?"

"What do I care? Do you really have to ask that?"

I didn't have to ask and I shouldn't have asked, it was cruel. But the selfish part of me wanted to hear him admit it. I wanted him to admit it for the both of us, since I never would.

"What have I done?" I said.

"Don't marry Derek because you're trying to stay away from me. You'll be miserable and I can't live with that."

"That's not the only reason," I said.

"You don't love him," he said. "Not enough to marry him."

"You don't know that."

He looked out the window.

"I… " I choked up and looked away. "I'm just trying to do what's right."

"Why don't you do what's right for you for once?" he said. "Not what you think is right by everyone else's standards."

"Oh, my God," I said in frustration, putting my face in my hands. "I don't want to hurt you, okay? The last thing on this earth I want to do is cause you any more pain."

"Then don't marry Derek."

"Edward, come on. You're being completely unreasonable."

"I know," he said. "I can't help myself. I can't think straight. But you can't do this."

What I really wanted to do was sit in his lap, wrap my arms around him and tell him it was all going to work out. He was going to be okay. I wanted to absorb whatever agony he was feeling right out of him, to leave him free of it. I hated seeing him upset. I hated more that I was the cause of it. He needed support, and I couldn't give it to him.

"Maybe we should talk to your father," I said.

"What for?"

"I'm worried about you."

"You're unbelievable," he said and then laughed. "What do you plan to say to Carlisle, exactly?"

"I'll tell him the truth. I seduced you into an inappropriate relationship, and I'll ask him to help you through this because obviously, it's causing you a lot of stress."

"You know, I almost wish you would, just so I could see the look on Carlisle's face when you make such a ridiculous confession. It would be priceless. Just promise me you'll do it in person and not over the phone."

"Could you not be a jerk for a second?" I said, getting angry. "I want to fix this, Edward. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, and I'm definitely not trying to be funny."

"Bella, look," he said. "What do you want me to do here? Do you want me to leave? I'll leave school."

"No, no, no," I said, shaking my head. "Don't be crazy. Why would you even consider doing that?"

"If I'm not around, you won't have to worry about anything happening between us and you can back out of your engagement."

"I'm not going to back out," I said. "Whether you stay or go. So you may as well stay."

"You don't love him. I know you don't."

"Edward, this isn't healthy."

"I know," he said.

The bell rang and there was a knock at my door, and then Doreen opened it and stuck her head in.

"Mr. Colter needs to see you," she said.

I waved her out of the room.

"If you truly love Derek and want to marry him, I'll drop the whole thing," he said. "Look me in the eye and tell me you're in love with him and you won't hear another word from me about it ever again."

They were only words. All I had to do was say them. I could just say them. I didn't even have to mean them. And as I looked into Edward's eyes, I tried to open my mouth and force the words out. "I'm…" I took a deep breath and stopped.

"Say it," he said.

I turned away from him and exhaled. A very, very quiet "fuck you," escaped from my lips, muttered angrily, I thought camouflaged by my exiting breath. Apparently I was wrong.

"That's what I thought."

The second bell rang and we walked out into the hall. Derek was standing at the counter going through his mail and he gave me a concerned glance before turning to Edward.

"Why weren't you in my class today, Mr. Cullen?" he asked.

"Sorry Mr. Banner. I had a personal issue I had to talk to Miss Swan about," he said.

"I'll write him a pass," I said. "Give me a minute, I have to talk to Mr. Colter first."

Derek stared at Edward with an edge that made me particularly uncomfortable, as though his intuition had sniffed something out that was going to cause some real problems. He gave me a perplexed look and after Edward left the office said, "What was that all about?"

"Prom."

#

In the two weeks following our quarrel, I was nervous Edward might challenge me again, in some other way. But instead he avoided me. And as fucked up as I felt about it all, I was disappointed. I expected him to come to me and try to argue me out of my engagement again, but he didn't.

It didn't escape my notice that he started to hang out with Paige more. I'd seen them several times in the parking lot in the mornings before school, hanging out by his car. Walking to class together. He'd even given her a ride after school at least twice.

I hated this. Absolutely hated it. Where I used to love Paige, I found myself noticing her bad hair days and her too tight skinny jeans and her little muffin top and her acne, which wasn't bad at all, but still. She was a teenager. And so was he, I had to remind myself. He should forget about me. And I had to forget about him. I had a wedding to plan.

But I had some problems with that.

I wanted something small and casual. Derek wanted something formal. I wanted a live acoustic band, he wanted a DJ. He wanted a plated sit down dinner, I wanted a buffet. I was tired of arguing the details and capitulated much of the event to him. I'd had my big day where everything was perfect and how I wanted it. I could compromise this time, I told myself. Problem was, I was doing all the compromising.

#

Prom night came. I'd been dreading it as I'd watched Edward and Paige spend more and more time together. But I prepared myself mentally. I would be working at prom. I would be the counselor, not the jealous jilted girl who didn't get the guy. I was a trained therapist. I would check my personal feelings with my coat and pick them back up when the night was over. Or maybe never.

Every year I wore the same dress to senior prom—an heirloom, antique tea dress that I'd picked up on a whim back at a yard sale in New Jersey when I was in college. When I moved to Forks it traveled across the country with me in a box but it wasn't until I began working in the high school that I'd had the idea to have it restored and tailored so I could wear it to prom. It was a mid-calf length lace dress, a champagne color with appliqué roses. It was not terribly sexy, nor revealing, nor flashy or stand out in any visual way. It was sort of on the dowdy old chaperone end of fashion, but then that's why I thought it was perfect for prom. And it was one of a kind, like I imagined the woman who'd first owned it 90 or so years ago.

"Ah yes, the yard sale prom dress," Derek said when he picked me up. "I thought this year you might have worn the black one."

"Hey, this might have been great-great Aunt Tilda's best party dress. Don't tease or she'll haunt your dreams tonight."

"You look gorgeous," he said and gave me a kiss. "Classic. But I can't see your shoulders and that's a crime."

"Maybe you can see them when we get home," I said. "If you behave."

At the hotel ballroom Angela and Erik were there early, chipper as they arranged favors and chatted up the DJ about shout outs and playlists. Kids began to trickle in and there was the usual excitement of girls fawning over each others' dresses, gossiping about who got stood up or who was going to put out, and who might already be drunk.

Mike and Jessica came, Jessica in a hot pink gown showing off her cleavage. Any typical senior guy would have been beaming with pride, but Mike was fidgety and distracted as they walked in and had their picture taken by a dozen friends and then the official photographer. He caught me watching him and came over.

"Can I talk to you?" he asked.

"Sure," I said, and we walked outside where we could get a little quiet and watched the rest of the seniors arrive. "Looks like things are better with you and Jess."

"For now," he said. "I'm really worried she's just being sweet because of prom. Like she wanted to be sure she had a date."

"Now that's a cynical view if I ever heard one," I teased him. "Can't you just enjoy the night with her? She's your date, it's your senior prom. Let it go."

"It's not that easy," he said. "It's like I can't trust her."

"That's up to you," I said. "You can choose to trust her if you want to."

He looked over his shoulder, back toward the glass doors where the rest of the students were settling in at their tables and we watched Jessica fawning over Angela's dress.

"What if that's because who she really wanted to go with was already going with someone else?"

"Mike, you guys had this planned months ago."

"He's probably just using Paige for…"

"Come on," I said. "You know that's not true. And you know Paige would never put up with that."

Edward's Volvo pulled into the parking lot and he and Paige got out, looking like they stepped right out of Teen Vogue. Paige wore a pretty, simple sea blue gown with cap sleeves and a square neck and strappy heels and her light brown hair had been done in loose curls, piled on the top of her head. She had on just the right amount of make up, too.

And Edward? He was any girl's dream, as I'd expected. He wore a vintage tuxedo, I don't know from what era, but it had been meticulously maintained. He wore one white rose on his lapel, matching the one he'd given to Paige, which she wore across her shoulder. They chatted casually, oblivious to all of the students and faculty who eyed them curiously as they stood by his car. Then the rest of the Cullens pulled in and got out wearing red carpet worthy threads and perfectly sculpted hair and they laughed as they made small talk with Edward and Paige, who seemed strangely more at home among them than I might have guessed.

I could feel the tension coming off Mike like heat from an electric stove. "I hate them," he said under his breath.

"Come on. They're not going to bother you."

"Their existence bothers me."

I put my arm around Mike's shoulder's and steered him back inside. "You know what, Newton?" I said. "You are a totally great catch, and that girl over there?" I nodded to where Jessica was standing with Angela and Erik. "She's here with you. No one else. So you can spend the evening sweeping her off her feet, or you can wallow in self-doubt and negativity. But I know if you go out there and just laugh and have fun and be your usual smart, funny self, she will only have eyes for you."

"Okay," he said and then gave me quick a hug. "I'll try."

"Good man."

I walked over to Derek at the punch bowl.

"It's gonna be a long night, I see," he said sympathetically. "Starting already."

"Yep," I said.

Paige and Edward and the rest of the Cullens came in, making a grand entrance. The students all stopped to notice them, to gossip about their designer gowns, to nod in respect or in some cases to snicker. But the Cullens were like the young jet setters in Rio, already a little bored with a scene like this one because it paled in comparison to what they'd seen in the real world.

Then they all came over to where Derek and I stood to say hello. I was about to compliment them on how suave they all looked, but then my eyes caught Edward's and his grew wide and alarmed.

"Oh my God," Rosalie said, laughing sort of sarcastically, like she'd seen something that was funny to her, but wouldn't be funny to anyone else. And by the look on Edward's face I could see it wasn't funny to him. At all.

"What is it?" I asked.

Alice looked a cross between alarmed and amazed. Edward quickly excused himself to Paige and walked back outside. Alice followed him out.

"Great outfit, Miss Swan," Emmett said. "That's very original. You don't see dresses like that anymore."

"Thanks," I said, confused.

"That's a really cool dress," Paige said. "Where did you get it?"

"It's vintage," I said. "I like to play dress up once a year. Keeps my inner girl alive."

Jessica came over and grabbed Paige and dragged her back to where she, Angela, Erik and Mike were sitting and began grilling her, I could tell from Paige's smug but somewhat ticked-off look, and Mike's growing angst. Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie went on their way about the party. But a few minutes later, Alice returned, her mouth in a twist, her eyes narrowed with concern as she approached me.

"Can I speak to you privately?" she asked. I nodded and joined her in a short stroll out to the patio. "I think Edward is having a bit of a PTSD moment."

"Oh no," I said. "What happened?"

"His mother—his biological mother—was a big fan of turn of the century fashion like that," she said, fingering the lace of my dress. "This really is a gorgeous piece. Where did you find it?"

"Is he okay?"

"He's a little freaked, to be honest."

"Because I reminded him of his mother?"

"Yes," she said. "They were very close. He took it terribly when she died."

"Oh no," I said, my heart breaking. "Where is he?"

"He's out on the gazebo," she said. "Maybe you should go talk to him."

"I will," I said. "Thanks."

I took several deep breaths as I walked over to the garden. Could I fuck up with Edward much more? From making out with him to haunting him with memories of his dead mother, I expected him to run when he saw me coming.

Around the corner, I saw him leaning over the railing, looking out at the valley. I watched him for a few moments as he stood motionless in the empty, lighted structure, like he was a figurine cut loose from a snow globe, waiting for someone to shake his world back to life.

"Edward?" I called as I approached. He turned and smiled politely. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said. "I'm okay. Just thinking."

I leaned over the railing next to him and looked out at the view. Mist was settling in the cleft of the hills, tinged pink where the last sun of the day spread out its dying rays. A breeze came up and brought his scent back to me and I took a small step away from him. I can do this, I told myself. I am a trained professional. Edward is upset and I can help him. I will help him. And I absolutely will not think about how much I wish I could just hold him, kiss him, dance with him. I will not think about those things, I told myself, as I thought about them. Okay then, at least I will not act on them. That I could manage.

"So I hear your mom was a big collector of Edwardian era fashion," I said. "That's an interesting hobby."

"Yes, she had a closet full of dresses like yours," he said.

"Is that why she named you Edward?"

"I was named after my father."

"I see," I said. "Well, I'm sorry if this old dress of mine brought up a painful memory for you. I'm sure you weren't expecting that tonight."

"I never know what to expect with you," he said and gave me a small smile.

"I guess I'm just full of surprises," I said.

"That you are." He turned to face me and was quiet, but his eyes were filled with stories—memories and feelings from some almost forgotten past, things he longed to tell but probably never would. I really wanted to know, but would never have a chance to ask.

"You do look beautiful in that dress," he said. "Well, you always look beautiful, but you are exceptionally beautiful tonight."

"So are you," I said and then laughed at the stupidity of my own words. "You look very handsome. Paige will be the talk of prom, no doubt, as long as no one shows up puking from too much pre-prom party."

Alice and Jasper approached us tentatively, and Edward nodded to them that they should join us, his mood much more relaxed.

"Everything okay?" Alice asked.

"Yeah," he said. "You worry too much."

"I know, I can't help it," she said.

The music came up and she said, "Oh I love this song!" And then she put her arms around Jasper and they began to dance, an exaggerated but technically flawless waltz that made us both laugh. Then Edward took my hand in his, put his arm around my waist and began to waltz me around the gazebo too, a much more subtle version of the step his siblings were demonstrating, but a perfectly executed number all the same.

It was a good thing he didn't ask first, because I would have said no. And that would have been a terrible shame, because dancing with Edward was probably one of the highlights of my life up to that point. He was that good. And as much as I tried to tamp it down like a small flame threatening a dry field, I loved him. I'd cherish that one dance the rest of my days.

"You're not that uncoordinated," he said, smiling. "I expected us both to be injured by now."

"Well, I've improved a little since high school."

There were a good, respectable six inches of space between us as we danced, the length of an average adult hand from wrist to fingertip. Our bodies only met in three places. One, where his hand held mine and the coldness of his touch relieved the intense heat I felt radiating out of my palm. Another where my other hand landed on his shoulder and I had to consciously stop myself from moving my fingers lovingly over it. And the third where his left hand rested on my lower back. That was my favorite. I imagined that hand pushing me to him, holding me against him. There was so much potential for that hand, but out there in the open, with witnesses and all, it behaved itself.

I forced myself not to breathe, not to look into his face, because in the one small glance I gave him I saw him radiating a happiness that was likely going to make me weep with relief.

The other Thoreau club students came down the path, noticing I suppose the funny scene under the gazebo, and they were curious to see what was going on. Angela and Erik joined the waltz, laughing as they tripped over each other's feet. Paige and Jessica came up to us, Paige smiling curiously as Edward broke off our dance and said, "Thanks for the warm up, Miss Swan, but my date is available now, and she's looking so very lovely tonight."

"Of course," I said. "I have to agree."

"You're a dope," Paige said to Edward. "Nobody waltzes anymore except the very old and senile."

"And all those Arthur Murray students," he said as he twirled her happily under the lights. "Some of them are merely middle aged."

Then Mike pulled Jessica into his arms and began slow dancing, glaring at Edward over Jess's shoulder, though Edward was obliviously chatting with Paige, who was smiling, laughing, happy as could be. The official dance party portion of prom had begun, albeit not in the location intended by the hotel manager. But it was a much nicer view.

I stepped back and watched them all, young and excited and hopeful about the future and I remembered being in that place, thirteen years ago, with the love of my young life and never, ever being able to guess I'd end up in the spot I stood in that moment. Derek came up behind me and put his arm around me.

"The kids are waltzing?" he said. "They're not too bad at it."

"No," I said. "Not bad at all."


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Lake Crescent

"I think I'm in love," Paige confided in me Monday after prom.

"Oh?" I said, feeling myself turn a little green. "You must have had a great night."

"Yeah," she said. "Edward was just so—I don't know. He's such a gentleman, you know?"

"Yes," I said.

"We talked all night, I don't even remember what about. And he's funny, too. He's usually so quiet at school, I had no idea how funny he was. Maybe he's more comfortable when you get him alone, you know? He opens up more."

"He opened up more?"

"Yeah—did you know he has some sort of rare medical issue with his circulation? His hands are like ice cold. And he's on a special diet, too."

"Huh," I said.

"I really felt so comfortable with him. More than I expected, and he's so hot. Well not his hands." She laughed. "I wonder if he likes me."

"Of course he likes you," I said, dying a little. No, this was good, I told myself. Maybe Edward would fall for Paige and move on. That would be age appropriate. Healthy. Healthy was good.

"You know what I mean," she said. "He didn't try to kiss me." She slumped down, a little dejected. "Not even once."

Yay, I thought. Then, grow up, Bella. "Maybe he's just being respectful," I said.

"That would suck," she said. "I hope he's not that old fashioned."

"Are you guys going out again?"

"He's coming on the Lake Crescent hike. Jessica, Angela and I convinced him to come. So that's a good sign, right? If he didn't want to hang out with me, he probably would have said no."

How did Edward really feel about Paige? I didn't know and I didn't want to guess. I hadn't spoken to him myself since prom. From everything Paige said, it sounded as though maybe he was interested in her. And that was good if he was, my inner adult told me. I should encourage that connection. But it wasn't what I wanted to do.

I wanted to crush it.

#

We met at the school Saturday morning for the Lake Crescent trip. I twisted my engagement ring absent-mindedly as I leaned against the van, watching Edward walk across the empty parking lot. It was six in the morning and he didn't look tired. He never looked tired, I thought.

"Good morning," he said as he got close. I smiled politely.

"You really aren't a morning person, are you?" he said. I took a gulp of my weak coffee and shook my head no. "You know it's a lot easier to wake up in the morning if you don't drink any caffeine."

"That's what I keep telling her," Derek said as he picked my backpack up off the ground and shoved it in the back of the van.

"Never," I said. "Caffeine makes you smarter. Or something."

Jessica, Paige and Angela all drove up in Jessica's car and dragged themselves over to where we were waiting. Mike and then Erik showed up and we piled in, Paige happily wedged between Edward and Angela in the back, with Jessica a little sulky between Mike and Erik just behind us. I was beginning to think all the potential drama made this trip a bad idea.

We took turns playing DJ until I finally got a turn and put the Mercy Brown cd on. "This is a good friend of Edward's," I told them and observed his reaction. He looked at me with a blank, look-right-through-you kind of expression.

"Really?" Paige asked, impressed. "She's awesome."

"She's an old family friend," he said. "She stays with us when she's on the west coast."

"Edward can play guitar, too," I said. "You should have brought it so you could play for us."

"Now Miss Swan," he said. "Don't give away all my secrets."

"You're too modest, Edward," I said, sincerely. "You should share your talents more."

"Dude, we should start a band," Erik said. "I play bass."

"You guys can play at their wedding," Paige said, enthusiastically. "That would be so cool."

"Oh, are we all invited?" Edward said, and I'm fairly certain I'm the only one who picked up the sarcastic tint of the question. Derek turned the stereo off and changed the subject.

"Okay folks, let's think about one single Thoreauvian question for meditation while we're on our hike. Who's got a topic?"

"Does a bear shit in the woods?" Erik said, and the kids laughed. "Just kidding, Mr. Banner. Sorry."

"Can people ever really return to nature?" asked Paige. "Maybe Thoreau thought we'd moved too far away from nature with the way our culture evolved. So, how far back can you go?"

"That's a great question, Paige," Derek said. "If you dropped a human off in the middle of nature, would he adapt to it or would he just try to recreate the environment he came from?"

"I have another question," Mike said. "It's been bugging me a lot the last few months."

"What is it?" I asked, glad that Mike was participating in the discussion rather than sulking.

"Can you ever really change what you are?" Mike asked. "I was thinking about the shape shifters, you know? They change from people to wolves, or to bears. But who they are inside, that never changes."

"But those are just stories, Mike," Jessica said.

"What if they're not?" he asked.

"I think it's still interesting to reflect on what those stories mean, whether they're real or not," I said. "Like the Quileute who become wolves in order to protect their tribe, right? How does confronting a challenge change a person?"

"It can either break you or make you stronger," Edward said. "It's a matter of what you do with it."

"I'm arguing that it reveals who you are, it doesn't shape who you are," Mike said.

"But if that's true, then we'd never grow, would we? We'd be these static, boring beings," I said.

"I don't think so," Mike said.

"Okay, I think my brain hurts now," Erik said.

"We're talking about transformation," Derek said. "Let's spend part of the hike in quiet meditation on that and see what we come up with."

#

We arrived at the trail head and unloaded the van. At the Ranger's station the kids asked questions about bear activity but there was nothing out of the ordinary there, much to everyone's disappointment. I showed the staff photos of the Kermode on my iPod, but they just didn't believe they were taken in the park.

We filed a hiking itinerary and took off up the rocky trail. The weather was cloudy, as we'd expected. Looked like it might rain but we were prepared for that. It was the Olympic peninsula—rain happened in spring. A lot.

Derek and I walked at the back of the line, keeping an eye on the students and staying close together. At one point when no one was watching, he took my hand and I felt his fingers run over my engagement ring, a sweet gesture but one that mysteriously drew a pained backward glance from Edward.

The kids became completely absorbed in their conversations. They were so animated and noisy they forgot to pay attention to the nature part of the nature walk. Finally, Erik turned around.

"Mr. Banner, I think we're lost."

"Let me get the compass out," he said, digging into his pocket.

"I know where we are," Edward said. "Marymere Falls are right up this way."

"How do you know?" Mike asked.

"I've hiked around here a lot," he said.

"So you can be our guide, then," Paige said to him.

"If you like," he said.

"Definitely," Erik said. "I have no idea where we're going."

We took a break when we reached the falls and broke out our lunches. The rest of us devoured sandwiches, but Edward had nothing.

"Dude, why don't you ever eat? It's weird," Mike said to him.

"I do eat," he said. "I'm just on a special diet."

"Of what? Air?"

"I have a medical condition," he said, getting irritated.

Their exchange was interrupted by a screeching sound. It was Jessica.

"I was stung, I was stung by something!" she cried, and her hand started to swell dangerously. Derek went to get the first aid kit from his pack, but before he could turn around, Edward was already next to her.

"Are you allergic to bees?" Edward asked calmly, pulling out some type of ointment.

"No! I don't know!" she said, crying. "It hurts!"

"Okay, hold on," he cracked the package open and smoothed some onto her skin. "This will draw out the poison quickly," he said. "It should feel better very soon."

Derek came over with an epi pen and some Benadryl, but her hand had already begun to shrink back down to its normal size. She relaxed.

"Oh my God, Edward, thank you," she said, and then threw her arms around him. He looked perplexed, and shot a look over to Mike Newton as if to say, Hey man, I did not want this, but Mike wasn't having it. He stormed off and Erik went after him. Paige glared at Jessica, who pretended not to notice.

"What is that?" Derek asked, pointing to the packet Edward applied to Jessica's hand.

"It's a homeopathic remedy from my father," he said. "Works better than any anti-sting medicine I've ever seen. He sent me out here with a stocked first aid kit, just in case anyone got hurt."

We hiked to the far side of Lake Crescent, where there were no parking lots or cars or families on holiday. We found a small clearing up the hill from the lake where the view was stunning. The water was a dazzling aqua blue, unlike any lake I'd ever seen anywhere.

"It's a glacial lake," Derek explained. "There's barely any nitrogen in it, so there's no phytoplankton. That's why the water is so clear. In some places you can see as far down as 60 feet."

We set up our tents and Derek fired up two small camp stoves to boil water for the freeze dried dinners contributed by Mike Newton's parents. In the evening air after our long trek, they tasted like gourmet meals. Again, Edward ate nothing.

"You've got to be hungry," Paige said to him.

"I'm not, really," he said and smiled at her. "I know, it's weird, but I'm used to being weird. It doesn't bother me anymore."

Derek and Mike built a fire and we all sat around it, reflecting on the day.

"So let's hear what conclusions you all came to about human transformation," Derek said.

"Everything is always changing," Angela said. "Look at the landscape as it goes from the dormancy of winter into the lushness of spring. Change isn't just possible, change is life."

"But it's always changing into the same thing," Mike argued. "Every season brings the same change. So I still say the inner nature of things never changes. Just the outward expression, like shape shifters."

"So then, if you apply that logic to humans, are you saying people can't change?" I asked. "We're just born onto this earth as something, and that's what we'll always be?"

"I think so," Mike said. "Look at criminals. We try to rehabilitate them, but they just come out and do the same thing again."

"But look at how people change from life experience," Paige said. "You're not the same kid you were in junior high, Mike."

"Deep down, I say I am," he said. "I just know more now."

"So there's no hope for redemption, then?" I asked.

"I think some people are just born bad and they'll always be bad." There was no mistaking the look he shot across the fire at Edward. If it alarmed me, it appeared as though Edward didn't even notice it.

"There's always salvation," Derek said, quietly, his eyes trained on the flames before him.

"What do you mean?" Jessica asked, a concerned look on her face.

"Well, through Jesus," Derek said. "God gave us free will, and that allows us to make choices that can redeem us. We can all make up our own minds, and Christ has shown me a path that has led to profound changes in my life. A transformation, if you will."

I was caught completely off guard. I was not prepared for my co-facilitator and fiance to use this as an opportunity to witness his faith. My ears began to burn with my fierce anger, my deep offense.

"I believe there are many paths to change and to redemption," I said, looking directly at Derek. "Religion is one way. Maybe Christianity is your way, Derek," I said.

"And yours too, Bella," he said. "Right?"

"No," I said, defying him. The kids began to look stressed out with the exception of Edward, who looked amused. Derek looked surprised that I wasn't backing him. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" I walked away from the kids and he followed me out of earshot.

"What?"

"This is a public school event. You know you can't push your faith like that here," I said. "You're in a position of influence."

"I don't see how I'm not entitled to an opinion like everyone else," he said, angrily. "You were pushing your opinion on them. Your opinion just happens to be secular. Maybe some people find that equally offensive."

"That is a totally specious argument, and you know it," I said. "These kids and their parents trust us. We've led them here, we've asked them to consider some heavy topics. They're out in the middle of the woods at night. They are the definition of vulnerable. Now is not the time to be bringing up Jesus."

"We are in the middle of God's creation. There is no better place to talk about Jesus."

"This isn't Youth Group, Derek!" I couldn't help raising my voice. "Jessica is Jewish. Aren't you worried you'll make her feel like you're invalidating her world view?"

"Look, those kids can think whatever they want. I'm just giving them one perspective."

"You have to shut up about Jesus for the rest of this trip."

"You can't tell me to shut up about Jesus."

"I just did."

It was our first real fight.

We went back to the kids, but when we returned they hardly seemed to notice we'd been gone. They were completely over it and absorbed by Edward, who was telling a story about the Spanish Influenza pandemic in 1918. Even Mike was riveted.

"People of all ages, all walks of life were dying," Edward said. "People your age—our age—with their whole lives ahead of them, dropping dead. Thirty million people, more than all the people killed in World War I. It was carnage." He looked upset, so much so I felt moved to comfort him. But I stood still, listening as he continued. "Imagine what it does to a person to live through such a thing. Entire families were wiped out. Babies abandoned. Children would be playing on the street together in the afternoon and dying in their beds at night."

"What a nightmare," Paige said.

"You have no idea," Edward said, bitterly. "But what I'm getting at is that an entire generation of people were transformed, the entire globe. Life expectancies dropped by more than ten years around the world. People were living in fear of an enemy they couldn't see. It changes you. You see life differently after living through something like that."

"You sure do know a lot about the Spanish Influenza pandemic," Derek said. "Did you do a paper on it or something?"

"Yeah," he said, digging a long stick into the fire.

"People must have just focused on survival," Angela said. "Like the normal things that they might be worried about—grades in school, bills—weren't important anymore."

"Right," Edward said. "It's the kind of experience that strips you of all distraction."

"Transformative," I said.

"Very much so," he said, looking at me.

"So, how can people be transformed outside of disaster?" Derek asked, his tone far more subdued. "Or do we need to be in a life or death situation to really, truly be transformed?"

"I still say people don't change their natures," Mike said. "You can take a fish out of water, but it's never going to breathe air."

"What about evolution?" Paige asked. I shot a look at Derek, who just poked a stick into the fire. And for an hour or so, there was a good debate between the optimists and the pessimists, with no referee and no changing sides. The discussion went on, the kids' eyes lit with the intensity of their revelations until Derek finally had to tell them it was time for bed.

"Look, I'm sorry," Derek said to me after the kids went to bed and we were putting the fire out. "I didn't mean to offend you."

"I'm sorry for overreacting," I said. "It just caught me off guard."

"I think we need to talk about some things before the wedding though."

"I think you're right," I said. "Let's save it for when we get home."

"Right," he said, and then kissed me quickly. "Night."

I crawled into my tent alone and fidgeted awhile, a new unease about my future husband causing me such anguish I could do little but pray for sleep. Luckily the long hike had worn my body out, and sleep came mercifully fast and hard.

#

It wasn't long past midnight when all the hydrating I'd done on the hike came back to haunt me and I had to pee. I crawled out of my tent and surveyed the camp. All was quiet. No obvious signs of teen sex or drunkenness, either. Clearly this wouldn't have been my crew of friends in high school, I thought. Good for them.

I walked down the path to the lake. There was a full moon high in the sky, bright enough to see without a flashlight. After I relieved my bladder I walked down to the shore to gaze at the water for a few minutes. The lake sparkled under the touch of moonlight like it was lit from beneath. I stood there at the water's edge, marveling at the beauty of this otherwise irksome night. And then I saw something impossible.

A figure was moving, fast and graceful, across the surface of the water, reflecting moonlight back toward the sky. The form looked human, but what human could swim that fast, or in water that cold? I saw a pile of clothes on the beach and picked a shirt up. Edward. I held it to my face and inhaled as I continued to watch him swim.

He swam quickly to the far shore, more like a dolphin than a man. Then he dove down and stayed under water for so long I began to fear for his life. Then he popped back up closer to the shore where I stood and started swimming right towards me. As he drew near I saw it was indeed him, naked, swimming across the lake. But nobody could swim that long underwater, and certainly not that fast. He walked out of the lake and I blushed as I turned my head.

"You peeked," he said. "I saw that."

"No I didn't," I said, my face growing hot.

"Would you mind giving me that, please?" he asked, as he pulled on his pants. I kept my eyes averted and handed him his shirt.

"What are you doing, swimming in the middle of the night? You'll freeze to death," I said.

"It's a beautiful night for a swim, don't you think?"

"You crossed the lake in about fifteen seconds. How did you do that?"

"You're dreaming," he said. He started to walk back up the path.

"I'm not dreaming," I said, trotting behind him.

"Yes, you are." Then he leapt straight up in the air and grabbed onto a tree branch, high, high up. I shook my head in disbelief.

"How are you doing that?" I called to him.

"Doing what?" He jumped down and landed softly behind me.

"If I'm dreaming, this is a lucid dream and I should be able to fly," I said.

"So go ahead then," he said.

Dream or no dream, I was not going to flap my arms and make an ass out of myself in front of Edward.

"I'll pass." I pinched myself.

"Pinching yourself won't work," he said.

"How do you know so much about dreams?"

"I am a dream," he said, pulling me into his arms. "You're dreaming me right now."

I liked this idea very much.

I reached my hand to his face, thinking it might turn to dust or air, but instead I felt his smooth, cool skin. My fingers lingered for a moment and he smiled, his expression softening. He put his hand over mine, holding it gently and then he kissed the palm of my hand, the underside of my wrist and I tingled everywhere. I almost wished it wasn't a dream.

"You don't feel like a dream," I said.

"I can prove this is a dream," he said and grinned. "Hold on tight."

He pulled me onto his back in one smooth movement and flew, or so it felt, off the path and deep into the woods. He sprinted, agile like an elk but faster than any earthly creature could run. He leapt over rocks and downed trees until we finally came to a small clearing, somewhere far from camp, maybe far from earth, where he set me down on my feet. "I want to show you something," he said, taking my hand. "But you have to promise to be very, very quiet."

We crept through the thicket to the base of an enormous tree. Beneath it slept the Kermode bear and two adorable little black bear cubs.

"Oh!" I gasped, but Edward quickly put his hand over my mouth.

"Shh… you'll disturb them," he said. I nodded and he put his arms around my waist. "I thought you'd like to see them," he whispered. We watched them for several minutes, peacefully asleep.

We wandered away, holding hands, back to the clearing.

"Edward?" I asked.

"Bella?"

"Are you still angry with me about Derek?"

"Disappointed is a better word."

"Don't you understand why I'm marrying him?" I asked.

"You're not marrying him," he said.

"I'm not?"

"No, you're not," he said and pulled me down to the soft ground with him, holding me close.

"So you can see the future too?"

"Not personally, no. But I have a reliable source."

"Are you sure this is just a dream?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to check something," I said.

I laid my head on his shoulder and let my nose nudge his neck. He smelled incomparable, unearthly good, a mixture of all those things that make the world worth living in. I breathed him in and tangled my fingers gently in his hair, feeling it still damp and thick in my hands.

"You symbolize everything that's wrong with how I've gone about relationships ever since Zack died. My fear of making a real commitment again." I paused in revelation. "Wow, I am totally analyzing my own dream while I'm having it. That's so cool."

"I represent everything that's wrong?" He frowned.

"You're the impossible. The unattainable." I said. "Yet I still can't stop obsessing about you."

"Obsessing?"

"You have no idea. I haven't felt anything like this since… " I marveled at how real my tears felt. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing," he said.

"You have no idea how badly I want to believe you."

Edward looked quite sad and then he pulled me into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry," he said. He kissed my forehead, and then the corners of my eyes, his lips cool and smooth and soothing.

"God, I wish you weren't seventeen," I said, pulling back. "I feel like such a predator."

"You're killing me," he said. "You've no idea how funny that is."

"The real you, not the dream you, would be very disturbed if you knew how I really felt."

"You know very little about the real me," he said.

"I know enough to know that I'm hopelessly in love with you."

The look on Edward's face when I said that would have melted the Eiffel Tower into a pool of molten steel. He held my face in his cool hands and kissed me tenderly, his lips unexpectedly soft on my own. It was as though he feared I might break. Then he pulled his face away.

"Bella Swan, I will always love you, no matter what you do or where you go or who you marry, do you understand? If we can't be together, you must know that I will always be here, silently watching out for you, for as long as you live."

I started to cry and he kissed me again, softly at first, then an urgency crept into his kiss as hot tears rolled down my cheeks, over our lips and off my chin. He chased them with his fingers, then tangled them into my hair.

"If I'm having a lucid dream, I am totally having sex with you, right here, right now. I may never get this chance again," I said. He laughed and I unzipped my hoodie and unbuttoned my shirt as he watched me, a new look about him. One that made me lust for him greedily, supernaturally. I kissed him again on the lips and then slipped my tongue into his mouth as he ran his cool hand over the skin between my breasts and held it right over my beating heart.

He pulled my shirt open, exposing my naked breasts to the moonlight and his dark, narrowing eyes and I had to catch my breath. Then he put me on the ground and was on top of me instantly, his mouth hard, insistent as it covered mine, his tongue deep in my mouth, filling it. I pulled his shirt open and spread myself beneath him, but then he suddenly pulled himself off of me.

"Please, please don't reject me," I sat up and pleaded with him. "That will turn this into every other sex dream I've ever had."

"Never," he said, pushing me gently back to the ground. Then he kissed me again and lowered himself onto me.

"God, now, please, now," I said as I ran my hands over his shoulders and down his back. He covered my mouth again with his own and I grasped at the opening of his pants. He kissed my neck, and then suddenly his hard body went even more rigid. Something flashed in his eyes, something dangerous and delicious as he began to kiss me harder, softly biting at my lips and then scraping his teeth over my neck. Then again, he pulled himself suddenly back.

"What is it?" I asked, sitting up. "Did I do something?"

"It's nothing," he said, but he didn't look as though it was nothing. I put my arms around him and kissed him again. He pulled me into his lap and kissed me harder, delving his tongue deep into my mouth. I thought I'd die from the feeling of his cock under me. He again slid his mouth down to my neck and then pinned me to the ground again. I moaned as he moved over me and then he suddenly pulled back again, apparently frustrated about something.

"Oh God, this is going to be like every other sex dream I have. I suck at this," I said. "I've got to loosen up or something."

"It isn't you," he said.

"Don't even," I said. "Don't even say what you're about to say or I will hit you. I don't care if you can breathe under water."

"No, it isn't that," he said. "I want you. My God, you have no idea how I want you."

"What is it then?"

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You can't hurt me," I said, tracing the contours of his face. "I'm unbreakable. Indestructible. I swear to you." I furiously kissed his neck, his ear.

"Oh Bella," he growled, burying his face into my neck. "How I wish you were right." He held me tightly and I began to think about how much it was going to suck to wake up from this.

"This is my unconscious self telling me not to do this," I said. "You are my unconscious self. You're telling me this is wrong. If I do it, it will hurt me."

"No, no way," he said. "That's definitely not true."

I started to cry and then decided I'd had enough. The dream had begun to torment me with frustration, just like every waking moment I had with Edward.

"I need to wake up now," I said, expecting the words to be magic and transportive to consciousness.

"It doesn't work like that," he said.

"Yes it does." I imagined the sleeping bag and the tent, imagined myself sleeping there, and willed myself to get back into my body. But nothing happened. "Oh no, no," I said, beginning to panic. "It's turning into a nightmare."

"Just relax," he said. "Don't try to control it so much." I stood up and backed away from him. I was starting to feel freaked, like maybe I was losing my mind, or maybe I'd already lost it. "Bella, what are you doing?"

I didn't see Edward the same anymore. He'd transformed from the love object into something destructive. He was a test and I was failing. He was in this dream, in my life, to reveal the weakness of my character. He would prove I was unworthy of love, of marriage to any decent man.

"Stay away from me," I said. I began to walk backwards so I cold keep my eye on him and be sure he didn't come any closer. Then I turned and broke out into a run, going as fast as I could will myself to go. He was following me, I could feel it and he was a thousand times faster than I was. He was going to destroy me.

The only thing I could think to do was to run right to the Kermode bear. Maybe she'd been placed in this dream as a protector—like the fetish. Maybe she would save me. I could feel Edward right behind me, his hand brushing my arm as he yelled, "No!" just as I launched myself right into the sleeping white bear.

"Help me!" I screamed, and she roared, so terrifying I thought if I didn't wake up right there and then, I'd surely be waking up in an institution. I fell onto my back and she towered over me. She was about to strike when suddenly I felt Edward pulling me away. I fought him as hard as I could and he tried to restrain me and carry me away, but the Kermode ripped Edward off of me.

I was frozen with horror as I watched Edward move like a demon, strong enough to wrestle the bear to the ground. Once she was subdued, he leapt off of her, but she swiped at him and knocked him to the forest floor and then pounced on him. He threw her off again, but she was right back on him and continued to paw at him until his eyes flashed something evil and he finally sank his teeth deep into her neck. I watched in frozen horror as she roared painfully and then succumbed to his deadly kiss. He crouched over her and drained her dead.

The last of her blood dripped from the corners of Edward's mouth as he looked up to see me staring in terror at him. His eyes glowed red in the dark and he stood up and started to stalk toward me. Then he stopped dead and commanded me.

"Run, Bella!"

I scrambled to get to my feet and launched myself through the clearing, into the thick of the dark forest. I ran, and ran, and ran until I felt like my lungs would collapse, my brain would burst. I had no idea where I was going. None. But I ran until my legs would no longer move. Then I stood there, in the middle of the tall trees and the darkness and just surrendered, but nothing came for me. I lay on the ground, curled myself into a ball and passed out. I'd no idea you could feel such exhaustion in sleep.

#

"Hey Bella," I heard Derek call quietly from outside my tent. "Can you get up? We should get moving."

"What time is it?" I asked.

"6:00," he said.

"Right." I opened my eyes onto the yellow nylon dome of my little tent. My head ached. I began to orient myself to where I was. Lake Crescent. Thoreau club camping trip. May.

In a moment, the horror of last night's nightmare came back to me and I startled. But there I was in my tent, safe and sound. I lay there for several minutes, listening to the sounds of the students and Derek breaking camp.

I finally poked my head out and heard Erik tease, "Hey it's sleeping beauty! Good morning Miss Swan." Mike and Jessica were sitting near him and Angela, waiting to leave. Edward sat on the ground, making quiet conversation with Paige. His gear was already packed. He had on sunglasses like a hungover rock star. But otherwise he seemed normal. He didn't even notice I was up.

Jessica walked over to them, chatting incessantly, "I can't believe what a good night's sleep I got," she went on. "It must be the outdoors. I think I've found my new passion."

"Fresh air is good for the soul," Edward said, subdued.

"Edward, you should bring your guitar on Tuesday and play for us," Jessica continued. "I really want to hear you play. Don't you, Paige?"

Paige nodded, but gave a concerned look to Mike, who was obviously irritated that Jessica was flirting with Edward. He stormed off and Paige got up and followed him. A few minutes later, they came back, Mike now a little happier.

"Jess, I want to show you something," Mike said and steered Jessica away, walking her off to the side of camp. Suddenly I heard her shriek, delightedly.

"Look!"

We all hurried to where they were standing, and there we saw two small bear cubs, wandering out of the trees. My heart stopped.

"Okay people, we need to move away from here, quickly," Derek had a new edge to his voice. "If there are cubs here, the mother bear can't be far behind and we don't want to run into her." We all hurried to gather our packs. Edward lingered by the cubs for a moment.

"Cullen, let's go," Derek said. "We need to move. Now."

"Right," Edward said and then joined us. We hurried away from the cubs and hoped we were not going in the direction of the mother bear.

I kept as quiet as I could for the hike back. My head never stopped pounding. At one point Derek whispered to me, "Are you okay?" I nodded as much as I could without making my head pound worse.

"Migraine," I told him. He understood, and I was off the hook for chatter for the rest of the day.

We never did run into the mother bear, but I never lost that memory of the agonizing, disorienting nightmare the entire six hour hike back to the van.

#

The following Monday at school I got a call from Jake. He'd told me that they had a very strange experience out at La Push that morning. A very old man, an American Indian they were sure, speaking some dialect they couldn't understand, had been found wandering the beach naked at sunrise. He was staying with the Blacks and Jacob was trying to locate an academic who might be able to decipher what dialect the man was speaking.

"Maybe he's got some form of dementia," I suggested. "Or sometimes people can have dissociative fugues and turn up like that."

"We're trying to decide what to do with him," Jacob said. "I wanted to take him to the hospital but Dad won't hear of it.."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I've got to find some kind of expert in obscure indigenous languages. I don't even know where to start though."

"You need an academic. There's probably somebody at UW. Want me to call around?"

"Would you?"

"Sure," I said.

"Thanks Bella. And can you let Charlie know? Just in case someone is out there looking for him. My dad is being a total pain in the ass about this."

"Of course."

There was a knock at my door and Mike Newton poked his head in.

"Got a minute?" he asked. I hung up with Jake and waved Mike in.

"What's up?" I asked him, though I was fairly sure what it would be.

"It's Jessica. I know—for a fact—that she's into Cullen."

"Really?"

"Yeah. She stares at him constantly in lunch. And in her notebook, she wrote 'Jessica Cullen' about fifty thousand times."

"I thought Edward and Paige were sort of together now," I said.

"Like that matters?"

"Do you ever wonder if deep down, maybe you don't want to be with her?"

"I don't know what I want," he said and then buried his face in his hands. "But I can't keep dealing with this."

"Oh Mike," I said. "I'm sorry. I know you guys have had a lot of ups and downs this year."

"I really hate that kid," he said. "Edward Cullen is a freak. Why would she like him? His money?"

"You know, sometimes it's just fascination with something different."

"She's got issues," he said, blowing his nose. "She never knows what's good for her."

"It's really hard to know that sometimes." I hadn't spoken truer words in quite some time.


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

BiPolar

Edward didn't come to school after the Lake Crescent camping trip and I was glad. My dream of him, and us and the death of the spirit bear had been a stark warning from my unconscious mind, and I was determined to heed it this time. Don't go near him, the dream said. He's dangerous.

I think I always knew he was a danger to me. Not because I thought he'd ever hurt me, but because he awakened something in me that felt hedonistic and out of control. The dream told me I had allowed my love for Edward to dwell far too close to the surface. I was going to have to dig a hole in my heart and bury it there alive if I could find no way to kill it.

Derek and I talked about Jesus and faith and how that would figure into our relationship moving forward. He understood my concern about his boundaries with the students and I understood his concern that I respect his faith, and I did. But that argument pulled back the cloak of my optimism and revealed a grittier side to all the compromising I'd been doing in our relationship. He believed I had embraced his faith as my own, and he was more than disappointed to find that wasn't true.

#

Edward came back to school a little over a week after the camping trip. The morning he came back I saw him pull into the parking lot as I was walking into the building. He made no eye contact with me. No small wave. No casual good morning smile. He was avoiding me but I didn't understand why.

It's for the best, I told myself. Don't read into it.

I went inside and picked up my mail. There was a memo from Red on top.

"Faculty and Staff: Do not allow students to go into the woods behind school property. This is a directive from Forks Police Department. Aggressive bear activity has been reported in the vicinity of Forks. Parents are being advised not to allow students in the woods unsupervised. This advisory is in effect until further notice."

We'd been tracking bear activity in the Thoreau Club since the fall and this was the first time any aggressive behavior had been reported. I called Charlie.

"Yeah Bells, we had an incident in town late last night. A black bear attacked a guy coming out of the Mill. It was late, but he messed him up pretty bad. He's in the hospital."

"Oh no," I said. "Why did he get attacked?"

"I don't know," Charlie said. "He swears he wasn't provoking it, but he was pretty buzzed, so who knows?"

Red knocked on my door and stuck his head in. He nodded as though he had some urgent matter to speak to me about, so I got off the phone with Charlie.

"I need to speak to you about the Cullen kid," he said.

Oh shit, I thought as my mind raced back through the many transgressions I had made when it came to Edward. What was it going to be?

"Which one?" I asked.

"Edward. We got a tip from Mike Newton that he stole all the formaldehyde from Banner's lab."

"Really? You're going off something Newton said about Edward Cullen? Mike hates Edward because his girlfriend has a crush on him."

"Still, I want to get to the bottom of this."

"Did Derek report it missing?"

"Yes, this morning."

"But why would Edward do that?"

"Drugs," he said. "I find this kid to be really disturbing, Bella. Like, he could be a dealer, or maybe a shooter, you know?"

"Edward is no drug dealer and he's certainly not a school shooter."

"Just talk to him."

"Why doesn't Dale do it? He's the disciplinarian, not me."

"Edward will talk to you."

"So you're asking me to use my relationship with the kid to fish for information that might get him arrested?"

"I'm not asking you. I'm telling you."

#

After the bell I walked down the hall to Derek's room and looked through the crowd of hurried students for Edward, thinking I could grab him before class and clear the whole thing up. I saw him duck into Derek's room, again ignoring me, even though I was right across the hall from him and I knew he'd seen me. I was about to get him when Jessica stopped me.

"Miss Swan I need to talk to you. It's about Mike."

"Sure Jess. Can you come see me after this period?"

"I don't think it can wait. Mike and I broke up last night. He seems really depressed and I'm not sure what to do."

"I'll get him after class, ok?"

"Okay," she said. "I'm really worried."

"Thanks for letting me know," I said.

I knocked on Derek's door and heard his annoyed response. I stuck my head in. "What do you need, Miss Swan?" he asked.

"I need Edward."

"Really?" Derek looked over at Edward, who was staring at me with a murderous glare. Derek noticed it as well and gave Edward a warning look. "Will he be coming back?"

"Not sure," I said and gave Edward a smile, but it didn't put a dent in his sour countenance. He looked hatefully at me. Something really wasn't right.

"Mr. Cullen, you're excused. Come see me for the homework assignment before the end of the day," Derek said.

Edward hesitated. For a moment I thought he was either going to hit something or throw up. Instead he gathered his books and then walked swiftly past me with his head down and waited in the hall.

"I have to talk to you privately. Can we go to my office?" I asked.

"No," he said. "We can't."

What the hell was wrong with him? He'd never been this difficult, with anyone, let alone me.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Well, we have to talk."

"We'll have to talk outside then."

"Okay, fine," I said, impatiently.

Edward walked down the hall and out of the school and I followed him, trailing behind at a good distance.

"Are you coming or not?" he asked as he stood at the trailhead leading into the woods behind the school. I pointed to the picnic tables off to the side of the building. He gave me a frustrated look and then walked over and took a seat and pulled out a cigarette.

"You can't smoke that on school grounds," I said.

He lit the cigarette anyway, taking a long drag and blowing it out into the sky.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Look, I know this is going to sound stupid, but there's a rumor that maybe you're lifting formaldehyde from Derek's lab," I said.

"Mike Newton told you that?"

"No," I said. "Is it true?"

"Yeah, it is." He sat down and was leaning back on his elbows, perching casually on the picnic table, eyeing the cloud cover overhead.

"Really?" I was totally surprised by this. "Why the hell would you do that, Edward?"

"You'll never believe me."

"Try me."

He took a drag off his cigarette. "If I didn't take it, Mike was going to take it."

"And do what with it?"

"Nothing good," he said. "I told you that kid wasn't stable."

"Do you have proof?"

"Not the kind anyone will accept."

"You're making a serious accusation. If you don't give me evidence, you're going to be in big trouble for this, even if what you're saying is true."

"I don't have any evidence that Mr. Colter or Mr. Dale will believe. I don't care if I'm in trouble."

"I mean police trouble, Edward."

"I know."

"Just tell me how you know," I said. "I'll believe you."

He looked at me for a moment, thinking.

"Come on, Edward. You can tell me," I said.

"I can hear people's thoughts," he said.

"Seriously."

"I am serious. I know for a fact that Mike is the one who said I took the formaldehyde because I heard him think it. And I know he was going try to make an explosive with it, which he can't do, but he doesn't know that."

I stood there, stunned. I had no response. Was Edward in the middle of some kind of parapsychotic episode? Grandiose thinking? Maybe he was manic. That would explain the soft signs of aggression he was displaying. Maybe it would explain the theft too. That must be it.

"I knew you wouldn't believe me," he said. "So just do whatever you have to do, it doesn't matter anymore."

"Of course it matters," I said. "Have you been sleeping okay?"

"I told you I don't sleep."

"How many hours do you sleep a night?"

He shook his head in frustration. "Are we finished? Do you need to call your father now or something so I can be questioned? I'm done talking to you about this."

The breeze picked up and I felt it blow warmly across my neck as my hair flew across my face. I pushed it from my eyes when suddenly Edward lurched off the table.

"Are you all right?" I asked.

He glared at me then, again with a murderous stare. "Edward?" I couldn't deal with the intensity of his anger. I stepped towards him to close the distance. He stepped back from me and put a hand out in warning. He looked paler than I'd ever seen him. His eyes were black orbs, hollow with anger.

"Don't come any closer."

"What's wrong? Are you sick?"

"I knew it was too soon to come back." He closed his eyes and shook his head and staggered back another step. "Get back inside." He glared at me. "Now."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I asked.

Then he turned and disappeared into the woods, right where he shouldn't go. I walked up the path after him but I saw no trace of him anywhere.

"Edward?" I called, picking up my pace. "Where are you?" I hurried along, deeper into the woods, hoping I wouldn't run into any bears. Red was really going to give me hell now. All I needed was to lose a student out here after last night's bear attack.

I don't know how far up the trail I was when I heard a sickening guttural sound, sort of like a wild animal struggling. I pulled my cell phone from my pocket and dialed the office.

"Put Red on the phone," I told Doreen.

"What is it Bella?" Red said, impatient.

"Red—I lost Edward. He's sick or something—he ran off into the woods. I heard an awful noise just now. You've got to send someone out here right away. Get Derek."

"You lost him? Damn it, Bella. There are directives from your father, nobody is to be in the woods behind the school. Where are you?"

"I'm looking for him."

"Well get back here right now. That's an order."

"I think something is really wrong with him. He might be having a manic episode. Call Dr. Cullen. I'm just off the trail, up about twenty yards."

I hung up and kept picking my way through the forest. I kept calling out for him, but heard nothing.

#

I heard an animal, maybe a deer, dart through the trees behind me. I jumped, startled, and then tripped over a tree root the size of my calf. I stumbled hard and fell to the ground.

Searing, shooting pain spread up my leg from my ankle, causing me to cry out as my body surged, sickened with adrenaline. I felt around my ankle and it started to swell and then my entire leg began to throb. The skin on the top of my foot burned where it had been abraded by the bark of the tree root. Blood dripped onto my pants, my shoe. My face was streaming with tears as I began to carefully pick bark out of the cuts.

My phone rang. I took it from my pocket and was about to answer when it was suddenly ripped from my hand.

"Shhh…." Edward whispered as he took the phone and covered my mouth with his hand. It was just like my dream of him, I thought. He took his hand from my mouth and leaned over me. His eyes had changed color again, from black to amber. How could that be? He silently motioned for me to look into the distance where an enormous dark shadow was lurking. A black bear. Maybe even the black bear from the attack last night.

"Are you hurt?" he asked quietly.

"Shouldn't we make a bunch of noise or something, so it gets frightened away?"

"Not this time."

"Mr. Colter and Derek are on the trail looking for us—go find them and they'll come for me. You need to get out of here now."

"Forget it," he said, and lifted me into his arms.

"That really hurts," I said, as my body tensed from the movement.

"Oh my God—you're bleeding." His body went rigid as his eyes caught sight of my bloody foot. Was he afraid of blood? His eyes went swimming back into his head. He buried his nose in my hair and inhaled deeply, making me breathless and uncomfortable. A low groan escaped from his lips and my heart raced.

"Where are we going?" I asked, a hint of panic in my voice.

"What kind of a question is that?" He sounded annoyed. "Where do you think I'm taking you?"

"I'm in a lot of pain," I said.

"Do you think you broke it?" he asked.

"I don't know but it really, really hurts."

He sat me down on the ground and looked at my foot.

"Can you move it?" he asked.

I tried but it hurt too much.

"Okay, don't move it. Let me see."

He unstrapped my shoe and carefully removed it, but got blood on his hand, which made him stop. He was absolutely motionless looking at the small spot of my blood on his palm. Then he brought his hand to his face and took a deep breath and appeared to almost shake. He turned his head to look at me, a terrifying look about him.

"Edward? What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," he shook his head. "Nothing is wrong. Everything is just fine."

It wasn't me he was trying to convince, that much I could see. He pulled another cigarette out of his pack and lit it, inhaling deeply.

"I'm sorry," he said. "It's just that, well, it's hard to explain."

I looked over his shoulder and saw the bear had suddenly turned its attention toward us, and then cocked its head, almost like it had recognized who we were. Then it started lumbering through the woods in our direction, aggressively.

"Edward, run!" I cried.

He gave me a hard, pained look and then stood up. "I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't move."

Then he was gone.

#

I tried to remember what Charlie told me about surviving bear attacks, but the only thing I could remember in my intense panic was that you should hang up your garbage when you camp to try to avoid them, and it was too late for that. So I just did what I thought was my best hope. I played dead.

Tears stung my eyes as I tried to lie still, but my heart was racing so hard I was absolutely certain they could hear it all the way in the school yard. There was no way this bear was going to believe I was dead if I couldn't find a way to calm myself.

I lay there, silent, hoping that either the bear would buy my charade and leave me alone, or that it would have the decency to kill me quickly. One thing I did not want to contemplate was death by bear mauling.

I could feel the bear drawing near and heard its footsteps plodding ever more quickly in my direction. Then I heard something else. A gust of wind rustling the undergrowth. The bear roared, angry as something else caught its attention. Then I heard a grotesque thud followed by a sickening, pain-filled roar.

I opened my eyes and saw Edward hauling the bear off into the woods. It was almost a repeat of my dream, but I was certain I was awake. Was I hallucinating? Yes, the pain and the stress combined must have induced hallucinations. Perfect.

"Bella!" I heard Derek call out from several yards away. "Where are you?"

"I'm over here!" I cried out, my voice breaking as I waited for him and Red to reach where I lay on the ground.

But there was no way I was going to explain to Derek or Red or anyone what I'd seen. I had no desire for my boss or my fiancé to know I was hallucinating. If I was teetering on the edge of madness, it was for me to know and nobody else to find out.

#

In the Emergency Room, Dr. Cullen confirmed that I'd broken my ankle, and when I had a few minutes alone with him, I shared my concern about Edward's mental status.

"I'm worried," I said. "Does he have any history of bipolar disorder?"

"No, why?"

"Well, this is a typical age of onset, and today he stole from the school, and then he told me he can read minds. He also admitted he's not sleeping. Have you noticed any significant changes in his behavior"

"Hmmm," he said. "I will definitely have him evaluated."

"I think you should," I said. "He's got such a bright future, and I would hate to see him in trouble over this. If he's manic, it's not his fault."

"Thank you, Miss Swan," he said. "I appreciate your concern."

I came home with a cast, a bottle of Percocet and orders to stay off my feet for a week. But I had no intention of staying home alone with my growing anxiety and a bottle of pain killers.

After bringing me home from the hospital, Derek made dinner and we sat on my couch watching the news. He'd been strange all afternoon. Distant. Like he was annoyed with me, but I had no idea why.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I don't understand you sometimes," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"How could you run off into the woods after a student you knew had stolen dangerous chemicals? Especially after Red put out that memo about the bear warning?"

"I was afraid he was manic," I said.

"Weren't you afraid for your own safety?"

"No," I said.

He got up and took my plate and carried it into the kitchen. He came back and sat at the opposite end of the couch.

"So, you're mad at me?"

"I'm confused, Bella," he said. "I just can't believe what poor judgment you showed today."

"I don't think it was bad judgment."

"Look at you," he said. "You broke your ankle and almost got attacked by a black bear."

I didn't know what to say to him. What he said was true, but I didn't know why he was being a dick about it.

"It was an accident," I said.

"I've got a bunch of grading to get to so I'm going to head home."

"I was hoping you might stay with me tonight," I said, a little pathetically. I was in a lot of pain and really didn't want to be alone. "You can grade here. I won't bother you."

"Not tonight," he said. "You picked a terrible week to break your ankle."

"Gosh, how inconsiderate of me," I said. "Next time I'll check your schedule before getting injured."

"Good night, Bella," he said, unmoved by my sarcasm. Then he paused and bent down to kiss me quickly on the cheek.

"Night," I said, not looking at him.

As annoyed as I felt, I still cried when I heard the front door slam shut. I knew exactly where this was headed. He was going to break up with me.

Asshole.

#

The woods. The bear. Edward. Derek. The pain. The rejection. The emptiness. It all assaulted me in that awful space created in the wake of Derek's cold exit. I took an extra Percocet and briefly considered washing it down with a beer, but didn't.

I was overloaded with insecurity. Derek wasn't going to marry me, I knew it. My unconscious mind had told me as much in my nightmare at Lake Crescent, but I hadn't believed it. And I wasn't ready to be alone again. I thought about the overwhelming, engulfing loneliness that I'd lived with for five years after Zack died, and I was terrified of its return. But it loomed that night, a dark and destructive force waiting to consume me.

I hated Derek for leaving me, and he hadn't even left yet.

I lay on the couch, first crying, then sobbing as I thought about being alone again. My head filled with mucous and pounded until I thought I would vomit. I sobbed heavily and loudly, alone there in my little house, wishing it would just crumble down on top of me. I felt as though my whole life was just this pathetic, painful mess and I hated myself for being so weak. I gripped the bottle of Percocets in my hand and thought about taking another. I frightened myself with how little I cared right then about anything but finding some relief from my tormented mind.

And then out of nowhere, he appeared.

Edward stood across the room from me. I thought I'd hallucinated him at first. The sight of him made me cry harder.

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" I asked through my streaming tears.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I was worried about you."

"I'm fine."

"Bullshit," he said. "You are not fine. What happened?"

"Nothing." I started crying again.

"Please tell me." He crossed the room and stopped a few feet away. He turned his head and took a cigarette out and sniffed it, but he didn't light it.

I gripped the pill bottle tightly in my hand.

"You can't be here," I said.

"I'm not leaving until I'm certain you're okay."

I was immensely grateful for that, but tormented by it. I looked up at him, biting my lip to fight back the tears.

"I'll be okay," I finally said. "I was just having a moment."

"I need to check something," he said, and then he came and knelt by my side. "Don't move."

I didn't move a muscle, I didn't even breathe. He gently brushed my hair away from my face, out of my eyes, and soothed my forehead with his cool fingers. He wiped the tears from my eyes, and then he leaned over me and ran his nose alongside my own and inhaled deeply.

"I'm stronger than I thought," he said.

"What do you mean?"

"Be still," he said, then he placed his hand gently over my heart. I could feel my heartbeat begin to slow a little as I relaxed under his touch. My hand opened and the bottle of Percocets slipped out and rolled onto the floor. He stopped and looked down at it, and then looked back at me. I expected a question or an admonishment or raised eyebrows. But instead he just kissed me very lightly on the lips, a soft breeze from the cool spring night. I inhaled his cold breath deep into my lungs and parted my lips under his, like I might be uttering words in some silent language of the heart.

His kiss obliterated the agony of my grief, destroyed the ache of my isolation. It redeemed me, but it was a twisted, wretched sort of hope that I found there. And the little death I thought I could fake, the one where I thought I could stop myself from loving him? It was a lie. It was the biggest lie in the history of lie telling. It was legendary.

"Edward," I said. "This is all so fucked."

"I know," he said.

"I'm afraid you're manic."

"I'm afraid you're depressed," he said. "What were you doing with those pills?"

"Nothing," I said. "It's just my pain meds. My ankle is broken."

"I know," he said. "How many did you take?"

"Just one," I said. He gave me a skeptical look. "What?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said. "Edward, I'm not that far gone. I was just upset."

"I know, but you still haven't told me why."

"Because," I said, but I didn't know what to tell him. Where would I begin? That I was inappropriately in love with him? That I had seen him carry a bear off and thought I might be going crazy? That I thought he was crazy? That Derek was about to dump me? "It was a difficult day."

"I'm sorry," he said. "That's my fault."

"No it isn't," I said. "How much trouble are you in?"

"Don't worry about that. It doesn't matter."

"Did Carlisle take you for an evaluation?"

"Oh, that," he said. "I'm not manic, Bella."

"You've got all the signs."

"Okay, well I can see why you'd think that. Not sleeping. Stealing. It fits. But I don't have pressured speech or racing thoughts and I'm not violent or hyper. I was just having a difficult day."

"You think you can read minds," I said. "That's a delusion."

"I can read minds," he said. "It's not a delusion."

"What am I thinking right now?"

"I can't read your mind."

"I know you can't."

"It's okay if you don't believe me," he said. "I wouldn't either."

I wanted to believe him, though. I wanted to believe he could read minds and that there was some other magic about him that would make sense of the intense comfort he brought me as he held me, protective and unfailingly until that extra Percocet brought me the mercy of sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Mistakes

I don't know how long Edward stayed that night, because I fell asleep while he was holding me. When I woke the next day, I was in my bed and he was gone. And all the dishes were done. And the entire house was picked up. Not intrusively so, but the unopened mail was in a tidy pile on the kitchen table, the chenille throw was folded on the back of the couch and the pile of shoes by the front door was sorted into matching pairs and neatly arranged. That sort of thing. There was coffee made, and it wasn't even weak. But there was no Edward.

I sent Derek a text message.

"Can I get a ride?"

"You should be staying home."

"I have a lot of paperwork."

"I'll bring it to you after school."

"Please? I don't want to be here all day."

"Fine. But be ready. I can't be late."

The ride in with Derek was quiet, further confirming my suspicion that he would be dumping me soon. I tried to break the coldness, to figure out some way to reach through it.

"Derek, what's going on?" I asked. "Are you okay?"

"I've got a difficult day," he said. "I'm just very distracted. I'll talk to you about it later."

I let it drop. I did not want him dumping me in the morning before school anyway. That would suck. I hobbled into the main office to pick up my mail. For once the sun was out, and I was achingly glad to see it.

"What are you doing here, Bella?" Red said when he saw me come into the main office. "You should be home resting."

"Is Edward Cullen in today?" I asked.

"No, he's suspended, Bella." A wave of something passed over me.

"What's wrong? You look ill."

"It's nothing."

Just then Jessica busted through the office doors. "Miss Swan—thank God you're here. I really need to see you. It's Mike. I think he's done something really stupid."

"Come into my office," I said. We went in and closed the door and Jessica sat on the couch, picking at her fingernails.

"I think he's taken something, but he won't tell me what."

"Okay, start from the beginning and tell me everything."

"Last night, he called me and told me he didn't want to live any more. I told him he was being stupid. I told you yesterday I was afraid he was depressed!" She started to cry. I was sickened because she had warned me yesterday about Mike being depressed, and in the chaos I'd forgotten.

"What happened?"

"This morning he said he took pills. I told him he was a jerk for even thinking like that. I even told him I'd go back out with him, but he said it was too late."She sobbed and I put my hand on her shoulder and picked up the phone.

"Doreen, call Mike Newton to the nurse's office, now. We have an emergency on our hands."

I turned to Jessica. "I want you to hang out with Mr. Colter here. I'm going to go talk to Mike right now, okay? It's going to be all right. You did the right thing by coming to me, Jessica."

She sat quietly, crying. Red came to the door and I explained what was going on. "Mr. Colter, we've got to contact the Newtons and I think you should call the rescue squad. I'm going to see Mike now." Red patted his hand on Jessica's shoulder and gave me a dire look.

"Take care of it, Miss Swan."

#

Mike was laying down on the cot in the nurse's office when I arrived. I told the school nurse, Jeanette, what had happened. She grabbed the blood pressure cuff.

"Get up, Mike." I said gently, but urgently. He rolled his head but didn't make any move to rise. "I need to talk to you about what you took. Please." He opened his eyes and looked at me.

"I don't feel well."

"I know, but we have to talk. I know about the pills. I need to know exactly what you took, how much, and when. Please… " Jeanette rolled up Mike's sleeve and took his blood pressure.

"Has the ambulance been called?" Jeanette asked.

"It's on its way," I said. Mike didn't make a move he was so out of it. I was scared. "Mike, you've got tell me, please. I want to help."

Mike rolled his head back to look at me. "I took a bunch of different stuff, some last night and some this morning. The bottles are in my locker. I don't know how much, I swear."

"Try to guess, Mike. Five pills? Twenty? A handful or a few?" I placed my hand on his arm and looked at Jeanette who was shaking her head.

"Not good" she mouthed silently, shaking her head, her face ashen.

"I'm not sure. More than five, less than a handful."

I picked up the phone and dialed the main office. "Red, go into Newton's locker—he says the pill bottles are in there. They're here? Good. Yeah. Call his parents. I'll ride over." I went and kneeled down next to Mike, who was dozing on and off.

"We're going to take a little ride, okay Mike?" I said. He rolled his head towards me and I could see he was frightened. "You're going to be okay, but we need to get you to the hospital." He started to cry and I put my hand over his.

"Miss Swan, I don't want to die. Please… my parents… tell them it was a mistake… " His voice trailed off as he faded out.

"We're going to get you to the hospital now." I looked up as the EMTs came in and began moving him to the stretcher.

"You again?" one of them asked when he saw me. I grabbed my crutches and followed them to the ambulance and climbed in the front. Mike looked grey and sick. They put an oxygen mask over his face and he didn't even open his eyes. Red ran out to the ambulance with the pill bottles and handed them to me.

"I don't know how much was in here, Bella." He said. I looked at the labels. Xanax, Klonopin. Shit. Somebody at home had quite the pharmacy. This wasn't good. "The Newtons are on their way to the ER," he said. "Call me when you know something. I'll meet you there after school." I nodded and the ambulance took off.

Thank God the hospital was so close to the high school. I nervously watched as they unloaded and wheeled Mike into the ER where his frantic parents were waiting. His mother let out a sob and ran to his side as they were rushing him into a room.

"Miss Swan, I'm Dr. Stratton," a slender woman greeted me with Mr. Newton following closely behind. "Can you tell me whatever you know about what's happened to this young man?"

"A student came to me this morning and said she was afraid Mike had taken pills. When I talked to Mike at around 9am, he said he'd taken some pills last night and some this morning, but he didn't know how many. He said more than five, less than a handful. Xanax and Klonopin, though I don't know how many of each." Mr. Newton's face went pale.

"Okay, thank you." She turned to leave.

"Dr. Stratton," she turned back to face me and Mr. Newton. I swallowed. "What happens now?"

"We wait and see." She said grimly.

#

It was 8pm and getting dark. Out of the ICU waiting room window I could see the final shadows of trees fading into night as the sun gradually sank behind the horizon. All afternoon and all evening I'd sat here, talking to groups of kids who dropped by. I spent a great deal of time with Jessica and her parents. Poor Jessica. It was bad enough she blamed herself for what had happened, but Mike's friends were clearly putting the screws to her as well, especially Paige. Kids were so dumb about these things.

I sat on the couch, grateful to have a few moments of calm in what had been the shittiest day on record of my career, and that was really saying something. Derek had come by after school to sit with me and talk to the kids. He was very supportive and I was glad he was there, but still anxious that he was going to cut me loose as soon as this drama was resolved. Then he left at dinner and told me he'd come back to drive me home after visiting hours.

Mike stabilized, though he was groggy and uncomfortable. His mother came out and asked me to come speak with him.

"Miss Swan," he said. "I'm so sorry for all of this."

"No, I'm sorry," I said, taking his hand as I sat next to his bed and giving it a light squeeze. "I'm sorry I didn't realize how bad the stress was getting for you."

"I wasn't trying to kill myself," he said. "I want you to know that. It was an accident."

"Okay," I said, disbelieving.

"I'm serious," he said. "I was just trying to take the edge off. You know how it is."

I did know how it was, but I certainly hoped he didn't really think I knew how it was, at least not when it came to using pills to take the edge off.

"Taking the edge off should mean a guitar hero marathon or very loud, very angry music blasted from your car stereo. Not raiding the pharmacy."

"I know, I know," he said. "It was dumb."

"Well, thank God you're okay. You can thank Jessica for that," I said.

"Ugh," he said. "I really don't want to see her."

"I know," I said. "But she saved your life."

"I know," he said. "It makes it so hard to hate her." Tears sprung to his eyes and he turned his head to the window.

We sat and had a good, long talk about that, about hating people we love, loving people we hate, relationships that are good for us, relationships that are bad for us. The irony was clear to me, but hopefully not to Mike. I was impressed with how talkative he was given how exhausted I knew he must have been. And after about half an hour, I decided it was time to leave, but I had one very irritating, nagging question I had to ask.

"Mike, were you thinking about stealing that formaldehyde from Mr. Banner's lab yourself?"

His already ashen face turned white at the accusation. As soon as the words came out, I regretted them. He wasn't anywhere near ready to discuss this, and I had no valid reason to bring it up. I just had to know.

"How did you know about that? I always thought you were psychic, but damn."

My guts felt hollow. How on earth could Edward have been right? "Did you tell anyone?"

"No," he said. "Of course not."

"What were you going to do with it?"

"Nothing—I swear to you. I was just… I don't know. I was just angry. I decided against it, anyway, but then Cullen got to it first. He's the one you should ask about it—he's probably planning to blow up the school."

"I'll look into it," I said.

"I hope he gets expelled."

"He probably will."

"Well, then something good came out of all of this."

#

I left Mike's room and went back to the waiting room to gather my things. I was badly shaken that Mike had been far gone enough to even contemplate violence towards others. But what bothered me more was the possibility that Edward had read Mike's mind, because that just couldn't be possible. But how else could Edward know?

I took out my cell phone and flipped through my contacts, down to E.

"We have to talk… this is B." I sent as a text message.

"I'll be right there."

"I haven't told you where I am."

"Hospital. Meet me in the parking lot in 15 minutes."

Out in the parking lot, I saw his Volvo, but I didn't walk near it. I walked off to the side of the building, away from the front doors and from where I might run into more kids or parents or anyone I would know. He pulled up and I got in his car, looking over my shoulder to be sure nobody had seen us. It was times like these I hated living in a small town.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"Nowhere," he said. He got out onto 101 and drove south, too fast.

"How is Mike?" he asked.

"He's okay," I said, and then looked at him skeptically. "How did you know about Mike wanting to steal the formaldehyde?"

"I already told you."

"How did you know Derek was going to propose to me?" I asked.

"I read his mind," he said.

"Did you read his mind yesterday?"

"Maybe."

"He's going to break up with me, isn't he?"

He didn't answer.

"He's just waiting because he feels sorry for me because I got hurt," I said. "Right?"

"He's an ass."

I started crying. I knew it was going to happen, but I wasn't ready for it. I reached into my bag and took a Percocet.

"You shouldn't take that on an empty stomach," he said. "How many did you just take?"

"Shut up," I said. He made a face, shook his head and sped up the car. "What did you do to that bear?"

He tightened his hands on the steering wheel. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I saw you carry off that bear yesterday. How did you do that?"

"That's crazy," he said. "How could I even do that?"

"It was just like Lake Crescent," I said, and then stopped myself as I realized I was blurring reality with my dream. Pain killers were going to make me slip and say something I'd regret if I wasn't careful.

"What the hell are you talking about?" he glared at me. "Are you feeling all right? How many of those pills did you take?"

I started crying harder. My ankle was throbbing and my confusion was drowning me, making me feel panicky and paranoid. I suddenly wanted out of the car.

"Derek knows," I said. "He knows about us, doesn't he?"

"There's nothing for him to know," Edward said.

"He knows about our trip together on Reckoner. He knows you were at my house last night. He knows. I know he knows."

"No, he doesn't. I swear to you."

"He suspects something," I said.

"He thinks that I'm stalking you, and he's worried that you can't see me for what I really am."

"And what's that?" I asked.

"It's complicated," he said.

"So you think he's right?"

"I know he is," he said.

"What the fuck does that even mean?" I asked, half laughing through my tears. "You're stalking me?"

"Not exactly," Edward said. "Look, I'd never let any harm come to you. Ever."

"You're too late. The damage was done long before I ever met you."

"Don't talk like that," he said. "If Derek breaks up with you, so be it. You know he's not right for you anyway."

"That's not the point!"

"Of course it is," he said. "You should be with someone who loves you for who you are, Bella."

"Take me home. I'm done talking."

"Well I'm not," he said angrily. "I have some questions of my own."

"What?"

"What were you talking about a minute ago about Lake Crescent?"

"Nothing," I said.

"You're lying," he said.

"You can't read my mind," I said.

"I don't have to."

"I had a dream you attacked a bear at Lake Crescent," I said. "Okay? I got confused."

"I'll say," he said. "I was worried you were hallucinating there for a minute."

"Now you're my psychiatrist?" I said.

"Somebody ought to be," he said.

#

Edward turned the car around and started driving in the direction of my house. I sulked as I watched the trees pass by. I wasn't answering anymore questions. In fact, all I felt like doing was going home and going to bed. Then I remembered I hadn't called Derek for a ride home. I looked at my cell phone and saw it was off. It didn't power up—the battery had run out.

Coming down K Street, I saw exactly what I'd feared. Derek's Subaru was parked in my driveway. I would have told Edward to drive me back to the hospital, but it was definitely too late. Derek was sitting on my porch and saw Edward's car, with me in it, coming down the street. This was the day of decisions from hell, I thought.

"What is he thinking?" I asked Edward.

"He thinks I tricked you into getting in the car with me. Let him think that, okay? It doesn't matter."

"It matters if he calls the police," I said. "Then we'll both have to deal with my father, and I don't want that."

"Just let me do the talking," he said.

"Ha. I don't think so," I said. "Drop me off."

We pulled into the driveway and I got out of the car and hopped with my crutches up to the front porch where Derek was waiting for me. Edward followed me, much to my irritation.

"Thanks for the ride, Edward," I said. "Goodbye."

"Edward, why are you driving Miss Swan home?" Derek confronted him.

"Excuse me?" I said. "I'm right here, I think you can address that question to me."

"I insisted," Edward said. "I had to talk to her about something urgent. Something confidential."

"You can go now. Goodbye, Edward," I said.

"Miss Swan wants you to leave," Derek said. "And that's what you'd better do. Right now."

"Of course," Edward said. He nodded to me and then hopped in the car.

"I was worried sick," Derek said. "Why didn't you answer your phone?"

"Battery died," I said. "Sorry."

"What were you doing with Edward Cullen? Do you have any idea how dangerous he is? Do you have any idea how that looks?"

I just glared at him, unable to give any kind of coherent response.

"Look, we need to talk," he said.

"Now?" I asked. "I'm pretty spent. This was a terrible day."

"Bella, it's important," he said, impatient.

I went inside and grabbed left overs out of the refrigerator and started eating. I wasn't hungry, but I felt woozy from the pills and the fast drive and Edward, and the dread I felt as I realized I was about to be dumped.

"Well, I'll get right to it. I think I underestimated how some of our differences would cause problems between us," Derek said, without any invitation.

"I know," I said, my irritation with him growing. "But can we talk about it tomorrow? This day has been really difficult for me."

I felt the tears well up, my sadness outweighing my anger. He began to relax, his tone began to soften.

"I think maybe we got ahead of ourselves with this engagement," he continued, despite my plea for a forbearance. "Maybe it was a mistake."

"Fine," I said. I pulled his ring from my finger and handed it to him wordlessly. He took it and put it in his pocket. He reached for my hand but I pulled it away from him.

"Bella, I'm sorry," he said. "But I think this is for the best."

"Yeah, well your timing really sucks," I said. "What does this mean now anyway? Do you still want to see me?"

"No," he said. "Not in that way."

"So you're willing to throw it all away then," I said. "We were engaged, Derek. Not going steady."

"Bella, you know as well as I do that this isn't going to work between us. Why walk down a path that's not going to lead anywhere?"

I wanted to hate him, to just think he was a fucking jerk, but I knew he was right. We really weren't right for each other, and for months I'd been trying to be right for him without considering that maybe he wasn't right for me. There was no hope left here for any long term anything with Derek.

I felt the full force of that loss, the overwhelming emptiness of the night before returning and engulfing me. I started to cry, heavy tears rolling off my face, onto my plate.

"I'm sorry, Bella," he said and squeezed my hand.

"Whatever."

"Now about Edward," he said, stiffening.

"No," I said. "I'm not discussing him."

"You've got to distance yourself from him. I'm very concerned about your relationship with that kid."

"Thanks for your concern," I said. "I've taken note of it. You can go home now, knowing you've done all you could to protect me from myself. Thanks."

"Come on, Bella, don't be that way. I'm just trying to help you."

"I'm sorry, but if I'm not mistaken, you just broke off our engagement on the day one of my favorite students almost died. On top of it, you've reminded me that you think I have bad judgment. So, if you don't mind, I'd like to stop looking at your face right now. I think that's a reasonable request. Under the circumstances."

"Fine," he said. "Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Oh, I won't."

#

The sound of his tires pulling off the gravel in my driveway, maybe for the last time—who knew? It undid me a little. I hate endings. I hate goodbyes, even if I'd see him tomorrow at work. It was all different because he wasn't my fiancé. He was my ex. And that thought really fucked me up.

I pulled a can of Rainier from the back of my fridge where it had been sort of hidden, but there just in case Charlie came by and wanted a beer. I'd just taken an extra Percocet an hour before and was feeling a little loose, but I had also just eaten and I figured I would be fine if I just had one Rainier and drank it slow.

So then, I wouldn't be getting married in June. And there'd be no more Friday nights at his house, making dinner, watching television. No more quiet talks about our day, or the kids at school or planning our vacation. I wouldn't be meeting his parents.

My future was ripped out from under me again. I started crying, and then I just got pissed off. I wanted to hurt something. I wanted to break things, but I wasn't very mobile.

Almost an hour later I was only half way through the can, watching some random movie I could barely follow. I decided to throw the rest out because I was getting too messed up, but I was too tired to move off the couch. I decided to sleep there and didn't even bother changing out of my clothes.

I closed my eyes, hoping sleep would come fast, but I couldn't stand the darkness. I couldn't stand the emptiness.

I pulled my phone off the table.

"Come back," I typed.

And then sent it to Edward.


	18. Chapter 18

**CHAPTER EIGHTEEN**

**Rebound**

I knew Edward would come—I had no doubt. What I didn't know was what I would do with him when he arrived.

But I certainly had ideas.

I chugged down several swallows of room temperature Rainier for courage, but it made me feel sick. I mustered the energy to get myself off the couch and into the kitchen, where I dumped the can out and made sure I hid it at the bottom of the recycling bin.

I brushed my teeth and fixed my hair and tried to make myself presentable, a fairly useless endeavor with my puffy eyelids and swollen lips. I splashed water on my face and wiped the mascara streaks from beneath my eyes.

In the bedroom I surveyed myself in the full-length mirror. Aside from a face swollen from crying, I still looked fairly young—not at all what I'd expected to look like at thirty. I turned the lights down and lit a few candles. Why show off the bags under my eyes? I pulled my shirt and bra off and looked at myself again. I could make him want me, I thought.

I rummaged through my lingerie collection, which was almost nonexistent now, but there were a few pieces left. How sexy could I look with a cast on my leg? I laughed to myself and pulled a lace-trimmed black demi out of my dresser drawer, all the while anxiously listening for his car to pull up. Would he park in my driveway, or would he think to park around the corner? Would the neighbors have any idea? Fuck it. Shit. What was I thinking? My mind wasn't clear, loose from the Percocet, and the little bit of alcohol wasn't helping matters.

I put on the bra, slipped my skirt off and tugged my underwear down, awkwardly over my cast, and then changed into a thong. But what to put on next? Babydoll? No, no—way too obvious. A black tank top. Zack always loved me in a tank top with cute lingerie hiding under it. It was the tomboy pinup mash-up thing, I guess. I bent down and dug into my bottom dresser drawer to find one.

"Very nice."

I jumped at the sound of Edward's voice behind me, bumping my head. I stood up and tried to hide my ass against the dresser. "How long have you been standing there?" I asked, wrapping my arms around myself.

His smile said "far too long." I had amused him, obviously. Not at all what I had intended to do.

"What are you doing, Bella?"

Like he didn't know?

"I'm getting ready for bed." I lowered my hands to the dresser's edge and leaned back casually, as though maybe I posed in my underwear and an ankle cast every day. I shuddered as I felt his eyes roam over my barely clad body.

"And you wanted me here to help you out with that?"

"Yes." I blushed deeply and looked at the floor.

"Are you sure?"

He closed the distance between us and my heart began to pound, a mixture of fear and anticipation. He brushed a strand of hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear and then tipped my chin so I'd look at him. I tried to not to crack. His body so close to mine made me feel like fire licking across hot coals. "Maybe you should think it through a little more," he said.

"Oh no," I said and gave a short, cynical laugh. "I have no intention of thinking this one through."

"That's unwise."

"I don't care."

"You'll care tomorrow."

"I don't want to think about tomorrow," I said, tightening my jaw. Was he really refusing me?

He shook his head. "You're not ready."

"I'll never be ready for something like this."

"I suppose that's true," he said. "But just the same, this isn't happening until you can do it and not hate yourself for it."

"God damn it," I said. My face burned with anger, frustration and embarrassment. "I thought you wanted me."

"Oh, I want you," he said. "But I'm not going to be your rebound. You'll have to get back at Derek some other way."

Should I just hit him? That's what I really felt like doing. Not because he was right, but because he refused to indulge a longing that felt close to a biological imperative right then.

"Fuck," was all the brilliant response I could make. I moved away from him, mortified, and sat down on the edge of my bed.

"I don't want you to feel worse," he said. "You feel bad enough already."

"Stop it. Just stop with the rational, perfectly reasonable explanation for rejecting me, okay? I'm humiliated enough as it is."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," he said.

"Please, please shut up," I said. "You are being way too mature about this. You're supposed to be the young, impetuous one here."

"You know me better than that."

"Come on," I said and then looked up at him, a little bit pathetically. "Please? Just this once?"

He stared down at me, his mouth a tight line, perhaps a little angry. I was frustrating him. Good, I thought. At least I won't be the only frustrated one here. I unhooked my bra and slid it down, part way, so it was still sort of covering my nipples, but barely. I watched his face, looking for some sign of weakness.

"You have no idea what you're playing with," he said, shaking his head at me, disapproving.

"I think I have some idea." I dropped the bra and leaned back on my elbows, inviting.

"No, you really don't. And if you keep that up, you'll find out the hard way."

"Maybe I like learning the hard way."

He grit his teeth and narrowed his eyes. I'd gotten to him, and that made me smirk, just a little.

"Lay down," he ordered, and my heart raced like it was trying to escape my body. He glared at me in a way that wasn't exactly threatening, but definitely challenging. I narrowed my eyes back in defiance, but I was terribly distracted by the dampness between my legs. I squirmed as we held each other's eyes for several beats until I capitulated and lay back on the bed. His expression changed from angry to satisfied as he watched me back down.

I waited for him to make some kind of move, but he just stood there looking, like he was trying to memorize every detail of my skin, my shape. I'd never felt more naked in my life. He towered at the foot of the bed, and as I watched him look at me I felt hypersensitive, like I could feel his need on every inch of my trembling skin. I longed for him to come to me so I could satisfy it, but still he stood.

His face grew softer then, his eyes cooler as they hovered first on my face, then my neck, my breasts as they rose and fell with my quickening breath, my belly, my thighs as they tensed under his gaze. Then the patch of cloth between my legs, the only place that remained out of his sight.

"You are lovely," he said. "I could look at you all night."

"Please don't," I said, propping myself up a little.

Then he sighed and pulled a blanket over me, covering me up. He shook his head and sat down by my side and took my hand in his.

"Okay, then," he said. "Tell me what happened with Derek."

"Are you kidding me? I don't want to talk about that."

He said nothing but waited quietly, holding onto my hand, attending to it like it had secrets all its own. The touch of his cold skin to mine brought the surprising comfort of familiarity, like holding my hand might have been something he'd done thousands of times over scores of years.

The tears came. And he listened as I talked about how I had pursued Derek and how I even went to church with him so I could understand his world better, yet how he never did anything remotely like that for me. He never even cared what my worldview was. I told Edward how I'd tried to be a better person for Derek, and how he'd said he loved me but that I doubted he ever really knew me. And I told him how I was so hurt that he'd left me. That he hadn't even bothered to try to work our differences out. How could he make a commitment of marriage to me, only to back out as soon as we hit the first hurdle? What kind of grown man does that? Was it all because he wanted to fuck me but because of some confused morality wouldn't let himself until we were married? Had he chosen his first wife out of lust too?

When I finally reached a sense of relief that I wasn't going to marry him, and spoke of the clarity I now had about how wrong that match really was, I watched Edward's face and waited for him to say, "I told you as much." But I didn't even see the thought flash in his eyes, which were soft and compassionate and lit with the attention he gave every word. And then I just stopped speaking.

"What's wrong?" Edward said.

"The way I feel about you is what's wrong," I said. "Terribly wrong."

"Your feelings aren't wrong. The context is."

"Well, then, should we book the space shuttle and fly to the moon? Because that's the only context I can think of where this could ever work out."

"You never know," he said. "There might be others." He smiled then, and his smile carried a pervasive kind of contentment that worked its way deep into my heart. But sadly, my mind was still unfazed by his optimism.

I wished I could be seventeen and believe in possibilities like that.

But I wasn't. And I didn't.

#

He'd left sometime late in the night while I was in the middle of a dream I wouldn't remember upon waking. I barely roused when he kissed my forehead goodbye, but just enough to be sorry to feel the space he'd left behind. I could get used to him sharing my bed, I thought.

In the morning I thought of his parents, and wondered if they really let him run so wild all night or if he managed to maybe climb out a window, silently backing his car down the driveway and starting it in the street. But I hated thinking of those things. They reminded me of how young he really was.

I had to go into work for an early faculty meeting on Mike Newton, so I called Charlie.

"You should be staying home," Charlie said.

"I'll just drive if you can't take me."

"I'll be there in ten minutes."

"By the way, Derek broke up with me last night," I said.

"Good," he said.

"Wow, thanks for the compassion."

"Are you upset?"

"Not exactly."

"I didn't think so. It's like a near escape, if you ask me," he said.

I laughed. "You're like the only one who didn't try to talk me out of it."

"Bella, you are thirty years old. Who you marry is up to you."

At least someone thought so.

#

I walked into the staff meeting and noticed the sympathetic looks I received from coworkers, even Doreen. Derek had obviously told everyone we weren't engaged anymore, and I don't know why this bothered me so much. It was like he couldn't wait for people to know he'd dumped me.

Red pulled me to the side when I came into the conference room and just said, "I heard. Are you okay?" I nodded, but didn't say any more about it.

The early staff meeting was my idea. One suicide attempt is all it takes for an avalanche of misery to come piling down on a small school like Forks High, and I wanted the faculty to be all over the kids looking for signs of depression. People didn't realize how contagious a suicide attempt could be, but I'd seen it before. I was going to do whatever it took to make sure Mike Newton was the last suicide attempt we saw in a generation, at least.

"I want referrals," I said. "Any kid so much as looks funny today, I want them sent down to me. Make lists of kids you've been worried about. Think about homework assignments that had death themes, art work, you name it. Make contact with your quiet kids today. Let the students know we're here for them."

Derek, of all people, challenged me right there in the meeting.

"Bella, come on," he said. "Half the students fit into that category. They're teenagers. They can't all be suicidal."

"Of course not," I said, "but suicide attempts are very triggering for people, and we've got to be aware of how the kids are feeling."

"Bella's right," Red said, giving Derek a look. "Finals are coming up, the kids are stressed out and we've got to be on top of this."

The group dispersed and I sat there with Red, thinking to myself.

"I'm glad you're here," Red said. He laid a hand on my shoulder briefly, and then walked to his office. I choked a little on my own guilt. How could I pose as a competent professional with what I had going on with Edward?

There was only a week and a half before graduation. I just had to make it that far. Then I could figure out whether I would quit, turn myself in, move out of the state, or what other possible options existed for making myself right with the world again.

At my desk I began compiling lists of kids to see that day. Jessica for sure. Paige, Angela and Erik too. I took a swig of coffee and checked my supply of pain killers. I was going to run out too soon the way I snuck extra pills. I had my ankle raised but it still hurt. I decided against taking another Percocet, even though the throbbing was already gnawing away at my composure.

I could hear the kids filing into the building, sounding pretty much like they did any other day. A mixture of quiet conversations, laughter, boisterous and soft voices weaving the sonic tapestry of high school mornings. I checked my email. I'd finally heard back from the University of Washington—there was an anthropology post-doc named Anna Marie Gladwell who was interested in coming out and meeting the old man at La Push. She was available mid June—right after school was out. I'd have to call Jake and let him know. I was about to pick up the phone when Red stuck his head in.

"We need to meet. Now."

#

I followed Red into the small conference room, the same one where I'd first met the Cullens nearly nine months before. Derek sat across the table, looking down, not making any eye contact with me.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Derek is concerned that Edward Cullen might be stalking you. Given his recent theft of formaldehyde, I'm worried about his potential for violence. Have you seen anything unusual lately? Has he been hanging around your neighborhood, or have you noticed anything out of place in your house or office?"

"No, of course not," I said, shaken by the strange assertion and the additional confirmation that Edward had read Derek's mind.

"He's got a disciplinary hearing next Tuesday and I want as much evidence as possible so I can keep him out of school for the rest of the year."

"He's done nothing violent."

"He stole formaldehyde," Derek said.

"That's not violent—he could have been dipping weed, for all we know." Of course, he wasn't. I was absolutely certain he wasn't. But there was no way to explain the truth, and drugs were more palatable in these situations than violence.

"Why are you defending him, Bella?" Derek asked.

"Because it's not fair," I said. "He made a mistake but he didn't hurt anyone."

"Your judgment is off," Derek said. "He has totally manipulated you."

"No he hasn't."

"Then why would you chase him into the woods after you knew he'd stolen potentially dangerous chemicals? Why did you let him drive you home last night?"

Red looked at me curiously, as though he too would appreciate an explanation, but I wasn't offering one.

"Do you have any idea how much I have to do today? I do not need to deal with this bullshit."

"Bella, let's stay professional here," Red said.

Doreen stuck her head into the room. "Chief Swan is on the line, Mr. Colter."

"You called my father?"

"Stalking is a police issue, Bella," Red said as he walked out of the room.

"Thanks, Derek. I really owe you one."

"I'd say we're even," he said.

"What are you talking about?"

"Next time you want to report me for something, be grown up enough to come to me about it first."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I know you reported me for discussing religion at Lake Crescent."

"Is that what this is about? You're mad because you think I told on you?"

"Didn't you?"

"No," I said. "But now I wish I had."

"It was probably Edward," he said. "He hates me because he's obsessed with you."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I've been paying attention, okay? I see the way he watches you. All those private meetings in your office. Manipulating you with his little crisis at prom. Coming on that camping trip after he'd quit the club. You are so blind about him."

"Why are you doing this? What have I done to make you so angry?"

"Angry? Bella, I'm not angry with you—I'm trying to protect you."

"Edward would never hurt me," I said.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," he said. "You're in so much denial you can't see the truth."

"What truth?"

"Look, have you ever noticed anything strange about the Cullens—the whole family?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Okay, in the nine months they've been here, have you ever seen any one of them eat?"

"Now you sound like Mike Newton," I said. "And you know where he's headed? A psychiatric hospital."

"Have you ever noticed how their eyes change color? They go from gold to black."

"So they wear color contacts," I said. "Lots of kids do."

"They're possessed, Bella. All the signs are there."

I was so amazed by his assertion I went slack-jawed.

"That's the stupidest thing I've just about ever heard. And offensive, too, by the way."

"Just give me a minute here and think it over. How can they all be so perfect? They're teenagers and have you seen a single blemish, blackhead or stray hair on any of them?"

"Your imagination has run away with you," I said. "You know, Edward has been nothing but hard working and well-mannered. He makes one mistake and now you think he's the devil?"

"I think his influence has turned you away from God," he said.

"Holy shit. I can't even believe I'm hearing this." I almost laughed in his face, I was so relieved he didn't accuse me of sleeping with him.

"Just remember Bella, when the devil comes, it's not with a pitchfork and a brimstone censer, it's with a dozen roses and a BMW. Or maybe a limited edition Volvo."

#

Red came back into the conference room with Charlie. Charlie looked annoyed, but I wasn't sure what was annoying him more. The fact that my ex-fiance was causing some sort of stink about me, or the fact that there might be some sort of stink I hadn't told him about. And I was still worried that my unlawful relationship with a teenage boy was minutes from being uncovered.

"Are you all right?" Charlie asked. "You look sick."

"I'm fine."

"Okay, Derek, what's this about Edward Cullen?"

"I believe he's capable of violence," Derek said. "And I'm afraid he's fixated on Bella."

Charlie bristled.

"Derek thinks Edward is possessed by the devil," I said. "He just told me. He thinks a high school senior with prom date trouble has turned me away from God." Derek glared at me and I raised my eyebrows. "Is that not what you just said to me, Derek?"

"She got into a car with a student who had just been charged with theft of dangerous chemicals yesterday," he said. "Don't you think that's a problem with her judgment?"

"Is my judgment, poor or otherwise, a matter for the Forks Police Department?"

"Bella, are you worried about this kid bothering you?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Okay," he said. "I'll just talk to Edward Cullen myself and then we can forget the whole thing."

"Dad, there is no reason to do that."

"I'm not going to arrest him, I'm just going to check it out myself. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about, right?" Charlie raised his eyebrows at me. I nodded in agreement with him, because how could I continue to protest without appearing suspicious? I had to let it go.

I had to admit Derek was right about one thing. I did have bad judgment.

About Derek.

#

Back in my office I took several slow breaths to get a grip on myself. I tried to concentrate on what I had to do that day, but all I could think was that I had to talk to Edward before Charlie got to him. I locked the door to my office and called him from my cell.

"What's wrong?" he asked.

"My father," I said. "He's coming to question you. Your parents too, probably."

"Derek reported I was stalking you, didn't he?"

"Yes," I said. "Were you?"

"Stalk is really not the right word for it," he said.

"You have to tell me what's going on," I said.

"I just feel very protective of you, Bella. I'm sorry. I try not to interfere."

"I don't want you to stalk me," I said. "That's not healthy."

"I know."

"What are you going to say to Charlie?"

"I'll think of something. Don't worry."

"Edward," I paused, and considered whether or not to tell him more. But I had to know. "What else did you read in Derek's mind about… about what he believes about your family?"

"Is this a test?"

"Yes," I said.

"Okay then, he believes we're all possessed by demons. He told you that, I guess."

"Yes," I said.

"He's an ass."

"Are you coming over tonight?"

"Are you wearing a thong?"

"Oh my God," I said, tingling everywhere inappropriately. "This is so fucked."

"I'll see you after the sun goes down."

I was really in the shit now and getting deeper by the minute. But I didn't exactly want out of it, either. What the hell was happening to me? Was I really going to pursue a relationship with a student?

A quick internet search landed me on the age of consent laws for Washington State. It was actually quite upsetting. I could already be given up to a year of jail time, just for trying to seduce him last night, even though nothing technically happened. I could go to jail for kissing him on Reckoner. For the way I'd spoken to him.

He would be eighteen in less than a month. Did I really want to risk jail?

Kind of. Yes. But I could wait, right?

My job was a different sort of problem. Maybe I would apply to Ph.D. programs and leave Forks.

Yes, that was it. I'd leave Forks and… then what? Run away with Edward?

Reality smacked me in the face. I hated when it did that.

I could not get around the fact that Edward was seventeen. How ready did I think he was to be in a real, committed relationship with someone my age? No matter how mature he acted, he was a young man. Hadn't even been to college yet. He wouldn't be ready to have kids for a long time—maybe not until I was aging out of that possibility. And did I have any evidence that he was interested in an actual relationship with me?

How did I ever let myself get this involved?

Was Derek right?

#

The day wore on. I met with Jessica. I met with Angela, Erik, and several other kids that I didn't know very well, but who'd been quiet and were looking extra tweaked the last two days. But it was Paige I had the most difficult time dealing with, because she was terribly upset about Mike's suicide attempt. She was inappropriately angry with Jessica over it, and she disavowed herself of any feelings she'd ever had for Edward as though he'd meant nothing to her at all. The fickleness of her heart was only an indication of her age and Mike's influence, I knew that.

"I can't believe I went to prom with a terrorist," Paige said.

"Edward is not a terrorist," I said quietly.

"I feel like I've lost all my friends," Paige said, then put her face in her hands and I could tell she was crying. Then I couldn't help it, I started crying a little too.

"Miss Swan? Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said. "It's been a shitty couple of days, right?"

"Really, really shitty."

And then we had a long talk about Mike, Jessica, Edward, Thoreau club, finals, graduation, college, leaving home, leaving childhood. The last long heart-to-heart we'd have, I thought, given the year was almost done. And that made me tear up a little too. I hated how aware I seemed to be of the lasts of things.

The rawness of my emotions caused my pain to feel almost unmanageable, so I took an extra painkiller. I probably shouldn't have come to work, I thought. Maybe I'd have to take Friday off. An extra long weekend for the holiday.

It was just before the end of the day and I was outside, waiting for Charlie to give me a ride home. I didn't know if he'd talked to Edward or not, but I definitely wasn't going to bring it up. If Charlie had spoken to Edward and was worried about it, he'd brief me on stalkers—what to look out for and how to protect myself from an attack. I briefly thought of that pepper spray and wondered where I'd last left it. He would ask, for sure.

It was just before the final bell when I saw them. Three black bears, right at the edge of the woods, near where Emmett Cullen's SUV was parked. I pulled my phone out and dialed the main office, but before I got anyone the bell rang and kids began to swarm out of the building.

"Back inside!" I started calling. "We've got bears out here!"

The kids were coming out of multiple exits, streaming into the parking lot. I hobbled on my crutches out into the parking lot so I could wave them back in the building. A few students saw the bears and started to scream. That's when I thought I recognized one of the bears—it looked like the one I'd seen in the woods two days ago with Edward.

Strangely, it seemed to recognize me, too. Because it started to lumber towards me with a determination and a speed that was totally unexpected. I was alarmed and turned to hop back towards the school as fast as I could when I saw the Cullens headed right for me, almost faster than humanly possible, looking stressed out. Emmett swooped me up without warning and carried me back inside as Jasper, Alice and Rosalie headed right for the bears.

"All students return to your last period classroom at once," I heard Red's voice on the loudspeaker.

"Are you okay, Miss Swan?" Emmett asked, and I nodded, a little dumbfounded. He ran back and joined Alice, Rosalie and Jasper who were all squaring off with the bears. With their backs to me, I couldn't see their expressions but their postures were unquestionably aggressive.

"See what I mean?" I heard Derek say in a low voice behind me.

"No," I said, shaky.

"Look at them," he said. "They're not normal, Bella. They are having some sort of communication with beasts."

The bears backed away, slowly, from the strange formation of the Cullens, and then turned and ran back into the woods. Red strode past us out of the building and yelled, "Back in the building! Right now or you're all suspended!"

Then the Cullens turned around and gave me, Derek and Red a passing glance, and then got into their SUV and sped off.

#

As he was dropping me off at home, Charlie said, "So, what's with your ex-fiancé?"

"We got into a fight when we took the students on that camping trip," I said. "He's obviously still angry about it."

"What's his problem with Edward Cullen?"

"I have no idea," I said, but he wasn't convinced.

"You still have that pepper spray, right?"

"Dad," I said. "Am I going to need to use it on Edward Cullen? Seriously?"

"I was thinking you might want to use it on Derek," he smiled.

"Don't tempt me."

#

After the sun went down, I waited for Edward. I was in baggy sweats and a pony tail and lying on the couch, my ankle elevated on some pillows, reading Madame Bovary.

"So you appreciate the classics," he said. "Interesting choice."

"How do you get in here without me hearing you?"

"You didn't hear me? You must be really absorbed in that book. How do you like it?"

"I hate it," I said, dropping it to the floor. "Did you know I could go to jail for a year just for what's already happened between us?"

"Yes," he said. "I know that's troubling."

"Troubling? I can't imagine humiliating my father like that. It would kill him. And me."

"You're not going to jail, Bella," Edward said. "I would never, ever let that happen to you."

How I wanted to believe that he could stop the world from caving in on me. What a typical adolescent, thinking he could protect me like that. I sighed.

"I'm thirty years old—what could you possibly want with me?"

"Oh," he said, smirking. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

"I mean besides that." I blushed. "You have your whole life ahead of you. You can be with any girl you want. Why would you want to be with someone my age?"

He didn't say anything. Instead, he just stood there and looked slightly worried, like he was trying to figure out what exactly he ought to say. And it was a painfully awkward moment, as I realized I had assumed far too much about his feelings.

"Am I sort of an older woman fantasy to you? You can tell me. I'll understand."

"Bella," he said, a half smile on his face. "If all I wanted was to fuck you, it would have happened by now. Many times over."

"Oh, you think it would have been so easy?" I said, feeling defensive, but I knew he spoke the truth.

"It would be so easy to give you everything and anything you want," he said, smiling as he kneeled down next to me, putting his face close to mine. He kissed me lightly on my brow. "But so dangerous."

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I want you willing."

"Willing?"

Yes," he said. "I know you can't be with me now under these circumstances without tormenting yourself. And there's a lot you need to know about me that I can't explain. I'm afraid the pressure is going to make you self destruct."

"What can't you explain?"

"A lot of things," he said, sadly.

"So then, you really are possessed by the devil?" I tried to joke.

"Not exactly," he said.

"I wish you were, really," I said. "Then I wouldn't be the only monster here."

"You are no monster, Bella."

"I don't want to keep you from what you have to do at this stage in your life. You've got college, your sailing trip around the world."

"Do you want to be with me?" he asked, his eyes intensely focused on mine.

"What I want in my heart is not the point," I said. "I'm afraid because you're just so young. You've got things to do yet and I want to start a family. I can't wait another five to ten years."

He winced when I said that.

"You're right," he said. "That's something I can't give you."

Wrong answer, Edward, I wanted to say. You are supposed to unveil the big secret here, the one where you tell me you are undercover with the CIA and that you're really 28.

I started to cry, hard. I couldn't even explain to him why. I curled up into a ball, tried to get away by collapsing into myself. I wanted no witnesses to this despair. I knew it too well and needed no audience to bear it away.

"Look at me," he said. I raised my blurry, tear drowned eyes to meet his, but I could hardly stand to look at him it hurt so much. "I'm so sorry, Bella. It's not that I don't want to have a family with you."

I couldn't speak.

"God damn it," he said, looking away.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"No," he said. "Don't you ever be sorry." Then he took my face in his hands, and kissed me, a soft, delicious cool kiss that delivered me from despair into the arms of longing. I pulled him to me, parting my lips so I could inhale him. His breath was cold, clean. I could live underwater just breathing him.

He wrapped his arms around me and then whisked me into the bedroom where he lay next to me, and I pulled myself to him, kissing his forehead, his eyes, his nose, his mouth until I finally felt his restraint fail, and he began to kiss me with a longing and an intensity that eclipsed every care I had in the world. About anything. I didn't care if I ever breathed air or tasted water or spoke again. I just wanted to keep kissing him.

He pulled away from me and said, "Look, you can find someone else to marry and you can have a long, healthy life with all the babies you can make, and I will never interfere with that. But when it's over and your time has come? I will be there, waiting."

"What are you talking about?"

"Bella," he said. "You have no idea how long I've waited for you. And I will wait for you forever, if that's what it takes."

"You know nothing about forever," I said. "Forever is a lie."

"That is where you are very mistaken," he said.


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

Memorial Day

"I don't understand," I said, but the words felt soft and unconvincing, like I was trying to speak my way out of a dream. "What do you mean?"

He pressed his lips to mine, but it wasn't a kiss of passion this time. It was a kiss goodbye. Soft, adoring, and full of sorrow.

"I love you," he said. "And I'm sorry."

I wanted to let him know I loved him, too. I wanted to beg him to stay. But upon hearing him finally say he loved me, I had my moment of clarity. And I had to let him go.

He pulled away and I knew. He wouldn't be coming back.

#

It was the third night in a row that I'd encountered the beast of emptiness. It had a personality to me now, a face, and a voice that said, You are fucked, Bella Swan. I will devour you slowly, painfully, until not even your memories remain. It was my nemesis, and it was right there again, in my bedroom.

The first two nights it had been borne on the back of Derek who'd left me stranded in the shadow of a dead future. Edward, right or wrong, had gotten that beast to back down with a single glance, had sent it packing and crying for its mother. But that emptiness left by Derek? It was a small kitten, soft and warm compared to the terrifying black hole that was left in Edward's wake.

As soon as he'd left the room, silently, without a glance back, I felt like everything I held dear about life itself had left me.

I screamed into the darkness. Screamed so loud I half expected a neighbor to knock on my door.

"Zachary, how could you leave me? You should have taken me with you!"

How had I ever let my loneliness take me to such a wretched place as this? How had I allowed myself to fall in love with a seventeen year old boy? How had I allowed him to fall in love with me? This was worse than my worst depression in Jersey, and I never would have believed I could go lower than that.

I pulled myself off the bed and fished the Percocet bottle out of my purse. On the couch, I sat holding it, and then I opened the cap and spilled the remaining pills out and counted. Eighteen.

"I'm not doing this," I said to the empty room. "I would never do this." I know what it does to people to lose someone they love, and there was no worse way to die on someone than to take yourself out. I wouldn't do this to Charlie and I wouldn't do it to Edward. He'd never forgive himself. I wouldn't do it to the students. I simply wouldn't do it.

Get a grip, Bella. Get a fucking grip.

Right. I'm not doing this. I would never do it.

I put all the pills back except two. Those I took to subdue the throbbing in my ankle and in my head from all the screaming.

Then I fell back on the couch and sleep rolled in like a heavy fog.

#

I didn't wake up until after 9 a.m. Friday morning, when my cell rang.

"Bella are you all right? Where the hell are you?" Red asked.

"I overslept," I said. "I'm sorry. I was going to call out today."

"I was worried when you didn't show up."

"Edward didn't come and slit my throat last night, if that's what you were afraid of."

Red paused. "How's your leg?"

"It hurts like hell," I said. "I'm going to stay off of it for the rest of the weekend."

"Good plan. Enjoy the long weekend."

Right. Enjoy the long Memorial Day weekend—enjoy the holiday on which I was supposed to honor my dead husband's sacrifice for the nation. But I hadn't participated in a single Memorial Day event since Zack died. My avoidance had always made me feel guilty. But my awareness made me realize how little ground I'd covered in my journey through grief.

I thought I might never get through it. If I was closing in on six years after his death and I still felt this bad, maybe I just always would.

I rolled over and put the pillow over my head. I wanted to fall back to sleep, but I kept hearing Edward's last words to me replaying, over and over, like a traumatic memory.

"…when it's over and your time has come? I will be there, waiting."

What the fuck did he mean? He had to be manic. He'd lost his temporal sense. He was probably obsessive, too. And the mind reading? Maybe he was just a highly empathic person. That would explain his ability to be so sensitive to other people's feelings and thoughts. That could look like mind reading. Right? He could talk himself into believing that, with thoughts of grandeur and sleep deprivation as part of a manic episode.

Maybe he was having some Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms. The poor kid had come apart, and I had probably been the one to push him over the edge.

I took two Percocets and lay back on the couch and fell asleep for four merciful hours.

#

"Bella?" Charlie was shaking my shoulder, rousing me out of a heavy, heavy slumber. "I heard you were a no show today at school. You all right?"

"Yeah," I mumbled through the stupor of severe lethargy. "Just overslept. I took off so I can stay off my ankle."

He dropped a sandwich on me and sat in the chair across from where I lay on the couch.

"Rough week."

I nodded. I didn't touch the sandwich.

"You need anything?"

"No," I said, covering my eyes with my hand.

"Listen, I'm sorry I wasn't more compassionate about your break up with Derek."

I smiled at Charlie's carefully chosen word. "It's okay, Dad. I'm sure he saved me a divorce."

He walked over to me and gave me a quick kiss on the top of my head, and I teared up a little. If he knew what I had done to Edward, and what I had been willing to do, he would never look at me the same again.

"I'll be by tomorrow," he said. "Call me if you need anything."

After he was gone, I closed my eyes again and prayed for sleep to return, but it didn't. Instead I was tortured with regret. Why did I call Edward to me late at night? Why did I try to seduce him? Why did I fall completely apart in front of him when he told me, honestly, that he couldn't give me what I wanted? I'd known it all along. How could I do those things to him?

What kind of mess was I?

#

Two bowls of cereal, one apple, a can of soup, four pieces of dry toast. That's what I ate over the next two days from my little encampment on the couch. I couldn't bear going back in the bedroom. I tried to read, to watch television but I couldn't focus on anything but the pain in my ankle and terrible ache in my soul.

Sunday afternoon, Charlie came to check on me, looking more stressed out even though I'd done my best to act cool. I hated when he worried.

"I'll pick you up at five tomorrow," he said as he dropped off Chinese take out that I wouldn't touch. He was having the Clearwaters and the Blacks over for burgers, Rainiers, baseball. Exactly what I didn't want to do.

"I need to stay home and rest," I said. "My ankle is really messed up and I've got to work on Tuesday. It's the last week of school."

"Jake will be there," he said.

"So?"

"I thought he might cheer you up."

"I'm not depressed," I said. He looked at me with that very concerned Dad face and that killed me. "What?"

"I don't know what to do here, Bella," he said. "I'm worried."

"There's nothing for you to worry about. I broke my ankle the same week I got dumped by my fiancé. I'm allowed to feel shitty."

"You haven't showered in three days."

I cringed.

"So don't smell me then."

"Bella," he said. "I know Memorial Day is a rough day for you and I don't want you here alone."

"Fine. Pick me up tomorrow then. And I promise to bathe first."

#

Monday afternoon I finally showered and got dressed. I pulled my hair into a loose ponytail and opened the medicine cabinet. I really wanted to drink, so I decided not to take any pain pills and hoped I could just deal with the throbbing without being a baby.

As I was putting on mascara I heard my front door crack open.

"Bella?" Jake called, letting himself in. "Where the hell are you?"

"Bathroom," I called to him. He came and stood in the bathroom door and I was happier to see him than I thought I would be. "I thought Charlie was picking me up."

"It was on my way," he said, then looked down at me. "Holy shit, you're wearing a skirt? What the hell happened to your leg?"

"I tripped."

"Nice!"

"I was almost killed by a bear."

"No way."

"Yeah, actually. I chased a kid who ran into the woods and I tripped. There was a very pissed off black bear…" How the hell was I going to explain this?

"No shit?"

"You know Jake, it was so crazy. The kid ran off to get help and the bear came right to me. I was so sure it was going to kill me, but something got to it."

"What do you mean, something got to it?"

"I don't know. The bear was coming for me, then the next thing I knew it was being dragged off in the woods. But what kind of animal could just drag a bear off like that?"

He grew quiet. "Well I'm glad you're all right."

"You know something."

"No I don't."

"Jacob, I'm not stupid. What do you think carried that bear off?" He backed out of the bathroom and I followed him into the kitchen.

"Are you ready to go?"

"You're not answering my question."

"Bella, how would I know? I wasn't there. Nothing can carry off a bear as far as I know, okay?"

"Could it have been a human?"

"You said it carried a bear—what do you think?"

"I don't know. Maybe I imagined the whole thing."

"Loca," he said. "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"I'm fine," I said. I wasn't, but I wanted to drink so sacrifices had to be made. "And by the way, Derek and I broke up."

"Charlie told me," he said. "So you finally dumped him?"

"It was the other way around."

"What a tool." He gave me a supportive look. "He didn't know how lucky he was."

That was the first time I smiled in days.

At Charlie's house, a lawn chair was set up in the back yard for me. I lounged with my foot up and drank a Rainier from a can as I watched Charlie grill hamburgers. Billy pulled up next to me in his wheelchair.

"You're gonna burn those," he said to Charlie. "You've got the fire too high."

"Shut the hell up," Charlie said. "My grill, I decide how high the fire goes."

"You need anything?" Jake asked. He picked up my beer can and shook it. "I'll get you a fresh one."

"I should injure myself more often," I said. He winked at me and went to the cooler.

Leah came and pulled up a chair next to me and Billy.

"Jake says you found somebody from the UW who can talk to the old man," she said.

"Yeah," I said. "She'll be coming out here next week. I hope she can understand him or at least figure out what dialect he's speaking."

"Me too," she said, looking frustrated. "He's getting really stressed out. Yesterday he wandered into the elementary school and was drawing bear pictures with the kids' crayons. He's trying to communicate something."

"Sounds like he's regressing," I said. "Probably some form of dementia."

"Come on," Seth interrupted. "I want to get a round of buzzed horseshoes in before the ballgame starts."

"Mariners against the Yankees?" I said. "It's going to be brutal."

"Yeah, for the Yankees."

Charlie, Seth and Billy started to argue baseball and I fell quiet as I took in this extended family of mine. I should be grateful. I should not wallow. I will not wallow. I cracked the fresh beer and drank a quarter of it.

Sue brought the food out to the picnic table—macaroni salad, coleslaw, deviled eggs, and piled a plate high for me, gesturing for me to have a seat. Jake helped me out of the lawn chair to the table, and we drank and ate and I found myself relieved to partake in the picnic banter, sliding into the looseness of beer soaked tongues that floated in the backyard as we quibbled over sports and grilling technique.

And I started to feel a little better.

"You're losing weight," Sue said, looking at me concerned.

"Really?" I said.

Jake pinched my side. "You're skin and bones, Bells," he said.

"Give me some more potato salad then." Sue smiled and put a helping on my plate. I caught Charlie looking over at me, his face the most relaxed it had been in days.

"A toast," Jake said. "To Bella's new single status."

I blushed, but raised my can. "Hear, hear," I said. "And good riddance."

Everyone laughed and raised their beer cans and took long, enthusiastic pulls.

"I always thought he was a twat," Jake said.

"You only met him once," I said. "And we weren't even dating then."

"I could tell the first time I met him he was a twat," he said. "I told you not to marry him."

"So you were right," I said, getting annoyed. "What can I say?"

Sue shot Jake a look and shook her head and then got up to clean the table, Charlie and Leah helping her.

"Is it margarita time yet?" I asked.

"Hell yes," Seth disappeared into the kitchen and I smiled as I heard the blender.

"So what happened with him, anyway?" Jake asked.

"He's an asshole, that's what happened," I said, giving Billy a smirk, who was looking expectantly at me. "We got into an argument over religion."

"I knew it," Jake said.

"He broke up with me the day after I broke my ankle. The day one of my favorite kids tried to kill himself. I'd been at the hospital all day and when I came home he dumped me."

"What a dick," Leah said, sitting back down at the table.

"Right?"

Seth came out and handed me a frozen margarita and I raised my glass to him and drank.

"He really is an asshole," Jake said.

"No shit," I said. The alcohol was warming me up, and loosening my tongue. "And as if breaking up with me wasn't enough? The next day he came into work and reported to my boss that a student had been stalking me. Just to start shit."

"Stalking you?" Billy said. "A student?"

I took another drink and felt my brain warble a little. "It was all bullshit."

"Who was it, Bella?" Jake asked.

"Who was what?" I said.

"The stalker."

"There was no stalker," I said.

"Edward Cullen," Charlie said, overhearing our conversation as he and Sue walked back outside. Sue sat an apple pie down in front of me and looked sharply at Charlie over her shoulder.

"Bella, are you being stalked by a Cullen?" Jake asked, his eyes turning deadly serious.

"Of course not," I said. "Dad?" What the fucking fuck are you doing? I wanted to add.

"I went out and spoke to him and his parents," Charlie said.

"How do you know the Cullens?" I asked.

"The Cullens are neighbors," Billy said.

"They don't live at La Push," I said.

"Our families go back," Billy said. "We don't like them—we've had problems with them hunting on our land."

I tried to set my facial expression to a neutral tone, like I would if I was conducting a counseling session and someone had confessed something horrid, like a gruesome murder or a rape. But it was very hard to do so buzzed.

"You okay?" Jake asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm just tired. I hate Memorial Day."

"Want to go home?"

I nodded.

#

Back at my house, Jake helped me out of the car but was looking all around, as though he was paranoid about something.

"Are you being followed, Jake?" I joked.

"I thought I smelled something."

"I don't smell anything."

"It's going away now."

"How much did you drink?"

"Not enough. You still have Tequila in your liquor cabinet?"

"A little."

"Good. Let's get drunk."

"Oh my God, are you kidding me?"

"You're already halfway there."

"Aren't you going back to the party?"

"Why? Are you kicking me out?"

"No," I said. "Of course not. It's been a long time since we hung out."

"You were engaged, remember?"

"Don't remind me."

We went in and I lay down on the couch and Jake turned on the baseball game and brought the Tequila bottle out and set it on the coffee table.

"Where are your limes?"

"No limes," I said.

He poured two shots. "Have some salt," he said.

I took a lick of salt and threw back the shot. It burned, but in a good way. I looked at Jacob and let out a heavy sigh. He looked good. He always looked good. He was wearing a black fitted t-shirt and a pair of nicely worn in jeans. Workboots. His biceps bulged through his sleeves. He grinned at me as he took a shot and then poured me another.

"I'm not doing that. I just had one."

"Come on, lighten up," he teased. "Let's play a game. If I guess something true about you, you have to do a shot. If you guess something about me, I'll do one."

"That's the stupidest game ever, Jake. Who would play that?"

"You haven't been laid in over a year," he said. I shook my head at him and drank the shot. He laughed. "You should do something about that."

"Tell me about it." I looked at him crossly. "You know something about whatever it was that attacked that bear that you're not telling me," I said. Jacob took a shot. "You have to tell me, Jacob—it's driving me insane."

"You're wearing a thong," he said.

I shook my head. "Nope."

"That's a shame," he said.

"You're on steroids," I said, looking at his enormous shoulders.

"No, thank you very much. Can't a guy work out a little without everybody thinking he's on steroids?" He poured two more shots. "You'll have to guess better or I'm never getting drunk."

"Your turn," I said.

"You're not telling the truth about Edward Cullen." He narrowed his eyes at me, a direct challenge. Bastard. He knew I could never keep my mouth shut when I was drunk.

"You're not telling me the truth about Edward Cullen," I fired back.

He took a shot.

"You have to tell me," I said. "What do you know?"

"What do you care?" he asked, accusingly. "Was he here?"

"No," I said. "Of course not."

"Bullshit," he said. "Do not let him near you, Bella. I mean it."

"What the fuck are you talking about? He doesn't come near me. He's a student."

"Why are you so interested in him, then?"

"It's just because of Derek," I said. "He said some really weird things about him."

"Like what?"

"He said Edward was possessed by the devil," I said.

Jake scoffed. "Really? Those Christians give Satan all the credit, don't they?"

"What the hell are you talking about, Jake?"

"You're going out of town next weekend," he said, and pushed another shot in my direction.

"No, I'm not." I said, puzzled. "It's graduation."

"Yes, you are. I'm taking you."

"Where?"

"How about Vancouver?" he asked. "You need to get out of Forks for a bit, don't you think? Change of scenery."

I did the shot.

"Good. We can leave right after the graduation ceremony." He leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I felt dizzy and my face was hot.

"Oh shit," I mumbled. "I'm really wasted."

"You need some air," Jacob said as he saw my skin flush with color. He poured me a glass of water and I took a long drink. "Drink it slow or you'll puke." He pulled me to my feet and I staggered. "Great, now you'll break the other leg." He hoisted me into his arms and carried me to the front porch. He sat me down on the swing and sat next to me, putting his arm around my shoulders.

"Why couldn't you just fall in love with me?" I mumbled, drunkenly. "Do you have any idea the trouble you could have saved me if we'd gotten together a year ago?"

"Oh shit," he said. "Come on, Bella. Don't do this."

"I'm sorry," I said, leaning my head against him and closing my eyes. "I'm just drunk. Ignore me. And don't remind me of any of this tomorrow."

He pulled me into his lap gently and held me. Then he started kissing me, soft and hesitant at first, but as I began to kiss him back his lips pressed harder against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck and felt his hands slide under my shirt, hot and rough against the skin on my back. I thought of Edward and was disgusted with myself all over again. It wasn't Jake I wanted touching me. I didn't mean for it to happen, but quiet, hot tears started to stream down my face. Fucking tequila.

"Bella?" Jake stopped kissing me and wiped the tears away. "Talk to me." I just shook my head silently, keeping my eyes down so he couldn't see my face. "I'm sorry," he said and held me. I really started crying then. "Is it Derek? It's too soon for this?" I shook my head.

"No, it's not that," I said, crying.

"I do love you, you know?" he said. "It's just, I don't know. Maybe it's because we've known each other so long." I nodded. "Hey," he said, "If we're both still single in three years, I swear I'm going to marry you, okay? It'll be great. We love each other, we get along great. We'll have gorgeous babies. Why not?"

"Jake, you shithead." I pulled myself off his lap, wincing at the pain shooting up my leg from my ankle. "That's not what I want."

"Bella," he said. "I can't settle down right now."

"I don't want you to, asshole!" Of all the fucking nerve!

"What then?" he was confused.

I was really crying then. Sobbing into my hands. "I don't want to marry you. I want to want to marry you, you know? Does that make sense?"

He exhaled, "Yeah, it does." He rocked the swing gently and put his arm around me. "Sometimes I feel like I need to settle down too, but then I panic, like I can just hear all these doors slamming closed forever." I rested my head on his shoulder.

"Do you ever feel like the things you want aren't good for you?" I asked.

"Jesus Bella, I feel like that every single day." He sighed. "But, dude? You're really killing my buzz. Can't we just go back to making out?"

"So you're afraid of commitment then?"

"Shhhh." He pulled me closer and kissed me, hard. I sucked in my breath and felt myself go loose. I could use a good fuck right now, and Jake was definitely a good fuck.

#

He picked me up off the swing and carried me straight to the bed and put me down gently. "You're not too drunk for this, are you?" he asked.

"For what?" I started to take my shirt off but he sat down on the bed next to me and took my hands in his.

"I'm serious," he said. "And I'll do that, if you don't mind…"

"I am definitely buzzed," I said. "But if you don't fuck me now, I am going to spend the rest of the night spamming your phone with drunken texts and photos of my ass until I pass out."

"Oh, nice. Like they wouldn't go right up on the internet."

"You wouldn't dare."

"You're right. Your dad's a cop." He pulled his shirt over his head and I gaped at his massive pecs.

"Jesus—are you sure you're not doing steroids?" I felt his biceps. "Supplements? What? You can't be working out that much."

"Shut it, Bella," he said and leaned over me, pushing me back down. He laid his lips against mine, his tongue gliding into my mouth, slippery and hot and tasting of alcohol. He pulled my sweater from my shoulders and moved a hand under my t-shirt. His hot fingers drew imaginary lines on my skin.

I began to ache everywhere. My head, my neck, my stomach, my legs. I felt my back arch slightly under his touch. He slid his hand up my shirt and unhooked my bra. He started to gently tease my nipples with the backs of his fingers and I moaned.

I opened my eyes and he smiled. "You okay?" he asked. My eyes rolled back in my head and I sighed as he pinched my nipple between his forefinger and thumb.

"Yeah," I breathed out and closed my eyes. "I'm good."

Jacob leaned over me and kissed me gently, softly wrapping his hand around my breast, stroking it. "How's your ankle?" he asked.

"It's not my ankle you need to be worried about right now," I said and he laughed. Then he tugged roughly at my skirt, popping the button open. I gasped as his hand slid down inside. Then he was kneeling between my legs, easing my skirt down. I watched as he took his pants off and then he stood at the foot of my bed, towering over me. I cringed as I remembered Edward standing in that same spot almost a week ago, looking at me. I squeezed my eyes shut.

I heard Jake open the condom wrapper and then roll it on. Then he was on top of me, pressing himself between my legs. As I felt him hard against me, I just wanted him to get it over with. "Hurry… " I whispered in his ear.

"What's the rush?" he asked as he kissed me and then pulled my t-shirt over my head. I was naked under him and he caressed my breast as he held himself over me. He was breathing heavier now, exposing his cool-headed charade. He kissed my neck and his hands strayed over my skin.

"Please, Jake," I breathed, then took his earlobe between my teeth. I exhaled as he let out a low growl. His body stiffened and his mouth came crushing down on top of mine as I felt him enter me slowly.

"I can never say no to you, can I?" he said as I felt him fill me. I pressed my hips to him to take him fully and winced with the pain of it. It had been a long time.

"You okay?" he whispered as he felt me tense, and held still for a moment. "Really Bella, I don't want to hurt you and you are kinda drunk."

"I'm okay," I said. He moved slowly inside. I sucked my breath in sharply and then began to relax under him. He kissed my neck and shoulder and then covered my mouth with his again, thrusting his tongue deep. I moved my hips, rocking with him, letting him fill the emptiness, even though I knew that when this was over he'd leave and it would come back.


	20. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER TWENTY**

**Dirty High**

It was the first time Jake didn't leave after fucking me.

When I opened my eyes at 6 a.m. his arms were tight around me, keeping me warm. Too warm. The heat from his body and the pounding in my head made me feel like feverish and ill. My ankle was throbbing like it had a heart of its own. I pulled myself out of Jake's arms, out of the bed and shook him.

"Jake—get up. You've got work and no clothes here."

He rolled over and opened his eyes and looked at me. "Good morning." He looked me up and down. "Got any coffee?"

"You're going to be late," I said. "And of course I have coffee."

"I'm off today," he said.

I hopped over to the bathroom and turned on the shower and downed two Percocets with a gulp of water. Then I heard Jacob get up and go into the kitchen and run the coffee grinder. A minute later he stepped into the bathroom. "I'll take you to work today, okay?"

I stuck my head out from the shower curtain. "Why?"

"I'm here," he said.

"I don't want to make a scene with Derek," I said.

"No scene. Promise."

I put my head back in the shower and started shaving my armpits when Jake stepped in behind me. "What are you doing?" I asked, annoyed.

"Washing your back." He began soaping me up.

"What's up with you today?"

"Nothing," he said.

"Bullshit," I said. He took the shower head and sprayed me down and soaped himself up and rinsed off. "Why are you acting like a boyfriend?"

"Does that bother you?" he asked, stepping out of the shower.

"I just broke off an engagement. The last thing I need is to fuck up my friendship with you."

"You won't," he said, handing me a towel. Then he walked into the kitchen and poured two cups of coffee.

#

On the ride to school I felt sick. I should have stayed home. But today was the last Thoreau club meeting and I wanted to be there for Angela, Erik, Jessica and Paige. I thought of Mike Newton, waiting for discharge to the adolescent psychiatric unit in Port Angeles. And then I thought of Edward, who was on his way in for a disciplinary hearing that might destroy his chances for Dartmouth. I pulled my phone out.

"Tell them the f. was for drugs," I typed then sent to Edward.

"What are you doing?" Jake asked.

"Checking my email," I said.

We pulled into the school parking lot and the kids milling around looked to see who was in the '67 Mustang. Paige and Angela and Erik all waved and then I saw them huddle, no doubt in quiet conference about how I'd finally hooked up with Jake. We parked and he got out to open my door, and I saw Derek climbing out of his Subaru, carrying his messenger bag, in a hurry. He looked over and then just looked away as he walked into the building. It made my stomach hurt to see him.

I climbed out of the car and grabbed my crutches. "See you later," I said, trying to get rid of Jake quickly. "Thanks for the ride."

"Well, look who's here," he said as the Cullens pulled into the parking lot.

Emmett, Jasper, Alice and Rosalie hopped out of their SUV and looked curiously to where we stood. It was clear they recognized Jake, but they made no greeting. Then they all walked to the tree line of the woods and peered into the forest. Were they afraid the bears would come back? When they were satisfied nothing lurked there, they joined Carlisle, Esme and Edward, who were getting out of Edward's Volvo. Edward stepped out of the car staring openly at Jacob, dagger faced. Then he shifted his eyes to me, and I had to look away. Esme whispered something in Edward's ear and patted his arm and he turned away to discuss something with her and Carlisle.

"You have to tell me what's going on," Jake whispered in my ear, gripping my arm. "Why was Edward Cullen staring at you like that?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said.

"I'll walk you to your office," he said.

"No, you won't. I don't need any more shit from Derek."

"Fine. I'll pick you up at 3, then."

"Make it 4. I've got a meeting after school."

He kissed me then, quickly on the lips, right there in front of the Cullens, in front of all the students in the parking lot, and my face broiled with embarrassment. I pulled away and gave him the most evil glare I could muster. Then he got back into the car and drove off.

I felt awful. Screamingly awful. My head throbbed and my stomach flipped. I wanted to hide somewhere as the Cullens approached me, but I stood there and did my best to act normal and not get sick on the sidewalk.

"Good morning," I said, my heart pounding.

"Good morning, Miss Swan," Carlisle said. "How's your ankle?"

"Fine," I said. "Thank you for asking."

"Can I speak to you for a minute?" Edward asked through gritted teeth. This is a bad idea, I tried to telecast to him. Meeting with me alone in my office when everyone is so suspicious is a dumb, dumb idea. Oh please, oh please read my mind. Just this once. But he continued to look at me in earnest.

"Of course," I said, as professionally as I could. "Now?"

"Yes, now."

We all walked together into the main office, where Derek stood sorting through his mail. I put my head down and walked straight into my office, Edward following me as Carlisle and Esme were shown into the small conference room.

#

Inside, Edward leaned against the door and let out a heavy sigh. He shook his head like a disappointed parent, slow, deliberate, admonishing.

"Tell me you are not fucking Jacob Black," he said in a low, but exasperated voice. "Lie to me."

I turned my head away, unable to meet his disapproving eyes.

"What do you want me to say?" I said.

"Are you in love with him?"

"What difference does it make?"

"I need to know."

"Of course I'm not in love with him," I said. "You know that."

"Okay then," he said. "You're not to let him touch you again."

I was too stunned to speak. No, you did not just order me not to let Jake touch me. Who the hell do you think you are? These are the words that I meant to say, but I found I could not say them. How on earth could he make such a demand of me? Was he out of his mind?

"Say something," he said.

"You left."

"I know. We're in a difficult situation here, Bella. You know that."

"Then what the hell do you expect?"

"I don't want anyone touching you."

"You told me to get married and have babies," I said. "You said you wouldn't interfere."

"I changed my mind."

"When?"

"When you fucked Jacob Black." He looked up at the clock. "I've got to go. They're waiting."

Then he slipped out the door without another word.

#

By the clock I knew it was a full ten minutes that I sat staring at the door, imagining him standing where he'd stood, still trying to formulate some better response. What an incredible display of balls. How in the world did he think he had any place to tell me who I could or could not fuck?

And worse yet—why was I so turned on? Edward unlocked something in me that I was afraid to face, some dark desire that shamed and confused me. Because however offended I was by his presumption, I wanted to obey him. I felt like my body had betrayed my mind, had betrayed my better judgment since the day I met him. But I would not hand control my sexuality over to a man. Ever.

I'd show him, I thought. He didn't own me. How dare he toy with my heart this way, issuing inappropriate edicts, moratoriums on my sexual behavior? He'd be sorry.

He's seventeen, I said to myself. Remember that, Bella.

No. Something was really not right here. I'd never give some kid that kind of power over me, not even Edward Cullen. It just wasn't possible. Had I regressed in some way? Did I see myself as seventeen-year-old Bella here?

No. Seventeen-year-old Bella never had it in her to feel like this.

Quite the head fuck for 8:45 a.m. and I had nearly the entire school day, and then the last Thoreau club meeting to endure. With Derek.

I sat with my head on the desk, my hands over the top of my head, trying to blot out the light. I took another Percocet and stayed like that for quite awhile, until well into first period, until after Edward and his parents had finished their meeting and left the building.

There was a knock at my door. I picked my head up and tried to look coherent. It was Red. "We reached an agreement with the Cullens regarding Edward's disposition."

"Oh?"

"Dr. Cullen spoke with the juvenile court judge last week to discuss Edward's case. The judge felt that since this was a first offense, treatment would be the recommendation."

"That's good," I said.

"Dr. Cullen said you shared your concerns about Edward having some mental symptoms and how that might have caused his behavior last week."

"Yes," I said. "He appeared to be having a manic episode."

"He was very grateful to you for that," Red said. "He's going to send Edward for treatment up in Alaska."

"That's good."

"We'll confer his diploma by mail."

"Okay," I said, trying to appear as disinterested as possible. I really didn't know what to think, but I did know one thing. Carlisle Cullen was full of shit.

"That's not all," Red said. "Dr. Cullen is starting a scholarship fund for the Thoreau Club. He said that he found Edward's participation in the club this year to be very good for his attitude, despite his problem here at the end."

"You're kidding me," I said.

"I was surprised too," he said. "He said you and Derek were a very positive influence this year."

I laughed cynically, shaking my head.

"Anyway, that takes care of that," Red said. "Three more days, then graduation, then I'm going on a long fishing trip. I hope you're planning some kind of vacation too."

"I'm going to Vancouver after graduation," I said, feeling my heart speed up. Was I still going to go?

"Enjoy it," Red said. "You could use the change of scenery."

#

The rest of the day was fogged by confusion, but I managed to tackle the last of my piles of paperwork and check in with a few students. The rest of the week was finals, and things would be more relaxed.

And then finally came the moment I'd been sort of dreading—the last Thoreau club meeting. I hated last things, and even in some small way hated that this was the last time I'd run this group with Derek, even though I was starting to hate Derek himself. Just because I hated goodbyes.

I came in the room and plunked my bag down on the floor next to my chair and lay my crutches on top of it. Derek said nothing when I came in, even though none of the students had arrived yet.

"We can do this, right Derek?" I said. "We can be professionals here."

"I know I can," he said. "Whether you can or not is up to you."

"Come on," I said. "The kids are going to be tense enough as it is."

Angela and Erik and Paige came into the room, a little tentative.

"Hey there young Thoreauvians," I said. "Welcome to the grand finale of bear watch."

Angela laughed and took out her notes. Jessica came in then, taking a seat next to me. She wouldn't even look at Paige, who appeared as if she really wanted to say something but just didn't know how.

"Glad you made it," I said to Jessica.

"Let's get started," said Derek. "First of all, I need to issue an apology to all of you for discussing my religious beliefs at Lake Crescent. I understand it wasn't the right venue to bring it up."

I watched the surprised look on the kids faces, especially Jessica, who just looked at the floor and blushed a little. So, it had been her, I thought. Good for her.

"It's okay, Mr. Banner," Angela said. "We know your heart was in the right place."

I didn't agree, but I kept it to myself. "I know this has been a really difficult couple of weeks," I said. "So much has changed so fast. I was wondering if you guys wanted to talk about any of it."

"I'm sorry, Jessica," Paige blurted out at the first opportunity. "I know Mike's overdose wasn't your fault. I was just, I don't know, freaked out. I feel awful for how I treated you. Can you forgive me?"

Jessica burst into tears and I put my arm across her shoulders. Paige came over and gave her a hug, and then Jessica hugged her back and then I had to dab the tears out of my own eyes, because I knew how frightened the kids had been by Mike's suicide attempt, by the thought that the dark things in this world had such power over us. And I thought about how much I loved these kids, and how sad I was that they ever had to grow up and leave the safety of those childhood years, when all was possible and dark things lived under beds and in closets, and a kiss on top of the head could make them stay there.

"I'm so glad you guys made up," Angela said, wiping her eyes.

"Me too," Erik said. "I'd like a drama vacation. A long one."

"Me too," I said. "You guys are leaving and going off to college and I hope that when you think back on your time here, especially with us in Thoreau Club, you can remember the good, long talks and the bonds of friendship we made here. I want you to take those and keep them close to your heart. I know I will."

"Now you're really going to make me cry," Paige said.

"Yeah, goodbyes suck," I said. "Sorry."

"Miss Swan," Derek said, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I'm a little choked up here."

"I really wish we'd been able to write our statement about the bears," Angela said. "With the problems last week we never had the chance to finish that."

"Well, we can still discuss it, right? After all these months of following it, I want to know what you think this bear behavior means. Does it contain a message for us after all?"

"It seems like ever since Lake Crescent, there's been a lot more aggressive behavior," Angela said. "Like something around that time caused the bears to become upset."

"Not just the bears," Paige said. "Think about it. The bears got aggressive. Edward committed a crime. Miss Swan broke her ankle. Mike OD'd on pills, and then Mr. Banner and Miss Swan…" she stopped talking and gave us an "oops" kind of look.

"We broke up," I said. "It's okay, you can say it."

"I think we should consult the stars," Erik said, joking. "Maybe there's some bad planet alignment."

"If I believed in that sort of thing, I'd agree," I said. "It does feel like there's something in the air."

"Maybe the bears are reacting to us," Derek said. "Or maybe we're reacting to the bears. What do you think?"

"You know, I think you can read the bears' behavior however you want," Angela said. "Like, whatever you want to see, you'll notice it more. So if you feel bad? Then you'll see more bad behavior in the bears. Does that make any sense?"

"Perfect sense," I said. "Really, perfect. Whatever you're looking to see, you'll see everywhere. I think that's what the bears have taught me, anyway."

"And what about what you don't want to see?" Paige asked.

"I guess you don't see it," Erik said. "Denial."

"Wow, I hope you guys are all going into psychology," I said. "There's still time. You don't have to declare a major until junior year, right?"

"I'm doing biology," Erik said.

"Great field," Derek said.

"I'm going to major in psych," Paige said. "I think it's really cool to know why people do what they do."

"Yes, well even with all that theory there's still a lot of mystery involved," I said, and gave her a smile.

"Okay folks, I think that wraps it for Thoreau Club. I want to thank you all for your hard work. I really enjoyed leading this club with Miss Swan," Derek said, and gave me an apologetic smile. "Truly, Bella."

"Me too," I said. "And oh—before I forget, I have an announcement. A really, really great announcement. Dr. Cullen has created a scholarship fund in honor of the Thoreau Club. I think this year each one of you are getting money to put towards college. Mr. Colter will contact you with the details later this week."

The kids all lit up with the unexpected good news, but their excitement was quickly tempered by the alarm that crossed Derek's face.

"No," Derek said, shaking his head. "That's not appropriate."

"What are you talking about?" I said. "Red approved it this morning."

"Listen, I am telling you all, do not accept any money from the Cullens," he said, to the confusing stares of the students.

"But… I could really use it," Paige said. "My parents are struggling enough as it is."

"Derek, don't do this," I said. "Please."

"It's not like the Cullens don't have a ton of money," Jessica said. "If they couldn't spare it, I'm sure Dr. Cullen wouldn't offer."

"I am telling you all right now, do not take that money."

"Mr. Banner," I said. "Now would be a good time for you to stop talking."

"This is my classroom, and I'll say what I want here, Miss Swan. And I'm telling you all, do not take any money from the Cullens. Don't go near them."

"So Edward really is a terrorist?" Paige asked.

"No, of course not," I said. "Mr. Banner is having a moment of temporary insanity."

"Who do you think you are, insulting me in front of students? I'll report you for this."

"We should go," Angela said, and she and Erik, Paige and Jessica all gathered their belongings as we continued to argue.

"You'll report me? Go right ahead. I've got a report of my own to make." I grabbed my crutches and stood up from the desk, but in my haste I kicked my bag and dumped all the contents on the floor. Lipstick, wallet, keys, phone, iPod, little notebooks, three pens, a pack of gum scattered. Paige and Angela picked everything up for me.

"Let's go down and see Mr. Colter then," he said, handing me my bag.

"Fine."

#

It was just before 4pm and Red's office was locked, the lights out. He was gone already. There was nobody in the main office other than the Bob the custodian, and he was vacuuming the conference room.

"The Cullens are deceiving you," Derek said, getting in my face. "Bella, please, you've got to believe me. They are not what you think they are, and they will damage your chances for heaven."

"Derek, I will not—do you understand me? Will not hear any more of this bullshit. If you bring it up again, I swear to you I'll make a formal HR complaint."

"I know Edward got to you," he said. "And all I can say is, I'm sorry. I'll be praying for you."

#

I stormed out of the building with my big heavy bag, on my crutches, down the sidewalk. Jake was already waiting for me in the parking lot, luckily. I hopped over to his car and got in.

"Hiya," he said, smiling.

I was so enraged I tried to slap him, but he caught my wrist before I made contact with his face.

"What the fuck are you doing?" he said, his nostrils flaring, his eyes widening in anger.

"How dare you kiss me this morning in front of the entire student body? I'm not some whore you can make out with whenever or wherever you feel like it."

"I didn't make out with you," he said. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I just got into an argument with Derek. Can you get me out of here?"

"So he starts shit and you decide to hit me?" He shook his head and started the car. I closed my eyes, dropped my head back and let out a long, frustrated sigh. "What happened?"

"He was being a dick," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because he's a dick, that's why," I said.

"And imagine you almost married him," he said. We were silent the rest of the ride to my house.

"Jake?" I asked as he was pulling into my driveway. "Do you consider us a couple now?"

"Jesus, Bella," he said. "Do we really have to make this a formal kind of arrangement already?"

"No," I said. "That's not why I'm asking."

"Let's just keep things casual, okay? I promise I'll be around a lot more now that Derek is gone."

"I'm not asking for that," I said.

"What are you asking then?"

"I just want to know what you're thinking." Jake got out of the car and came around to my side. He pulled my crutches out of the back seat and carried my bag as I hopped up the porch stairs. I walked over to the kitchen counter and he came up behind me and put his arms around my waist and kissed my neck. "Don't," I said, shrugging him off. Adrenaline surged through me.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said. "I just got home from work. My ankle hurts."

"Go lay down and I'll bring you your medicine, okay?"

Why did he have to be nice Jake? Couldn't he be arrogant Jake? I went into the living room and lay down on the couch and he brought me a tall glass of water and a Percocet.

"That's not enough," I said. "I need at least two."

"Are you kidding me?" he asked.

"It's a broken ankle. It hurts."

"The bottle says one every six hours," he said. "How could a little thing like you need double that?"

"Just get me another pill."

He shrugged his shoulders and went and got me the bottle. Then he sat down in the chair and turned on the television.

"You're staying?" I asked, puzzled.

"Is that a problem?"

"I don't get it," I said. "You don't want to call yourself a boyfriend, but you're acting just like one."

"I'm acting like a friend," he said. "You could act more like one yourself."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why are you being such a bitch?"

"I don't know," I said, and then felt terrible. I did know. I was acting like a bitch because I was afraid if I didn't, he'd try to touch me. What the fuck was wrong with me? "I'm sorry," I said. "I just feel like shit. I hurt, my head is all fucked up. I'm a mess. I'm really sorry."

Jake came over and hugged me. "I know I haven't been there enough for you, Bella," he said, gently brushing the hair from my face, holding my hand. "I wish I could explain more but this has just been a really weird year."

"You're not kidding," I said.

"I know," he said. "Let's figure out what we want to do in Vancouver. Maybe we can catch a good show or something."

"Um," I said, feeling weird again. "Not right now. I think I need a nap."

"I knew I shouldn't have given you two Percocets. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm just tired. Whatever we do in Vancouver will be fine. You can plan the whole itinerary. Surprise me."

"Okay," he said. "Go ahead and take a nap. I'll hang out."

I pulled myself off the couch and went to my bed. Was Jake going to stay all fucking night?

"Hey, can you bring me my bag?" I called from bed.

"Yeah, hold up," I heard him say over the ringing of his cell. "What's up?" he said to whoever called. Then I heard him say, "No. What? Shit. How many? Another 15? Damn it. Okay. Okay. Half an hour."

He walked into my room carrying my bag and dropped it on the floor next to my bed.

"Sorry Bella, I have to run," he said, looking annoyed. "Another group of bears showed up today and I have to go see what the hell is going on."

"No problem," I said.

"Call me if anyone comes here uninvited, okay? If anything seems at all out of place or even if you get a weird vibe, just call me. I'll be right back."

"What are you so worried about?"

"I don't like the way Edward was looking at you this morning," he said.

"You're being ridiculous," I said. "I've known him all year and he's been nothing but polite."

"Right," he said. "Of course he has."

"You're in no position to be possessive," I said.

"Possessive?" he looked at me strangely. "Bella, I'm being protective."

"Well, I don't need protecting from Edward Cullen."

"Just call me," he said and kissed me on the forehead.

Right. I didn't think so.

#

I slept into the evening. At eight o'clock, I went into the bathroom and splashed my face. Brushed my hair, my teeth. Considered my outfit. What was I doing?

I needed answers. But I didn't even know what questions to ask.

Back in the bedroom I grabbed my bag and and dug into it looking for my phone. Keys. ID. Wallet. Mascara. IPod. Huh. I dumped it out onto my bed, spreading the contents out. No phone. I unzipped the outside pocket. It wasn't there. I checked the inside pocket. Nothing but tampons and an old lip balm.

I grabbed my house phone and dialed my cell. It rang three times and was about to go into voicemail when someone picked up.

"Hello Bella," Derek said.

"What are you doing with my phone?" I asked.

"I found it under my desk," he said. "I guess the kids didn't see it when they were picking up your bag for you."

"Well, can you just turn it off and give it to me tomorrow? Save the battery for me."

There was a long pause.

"Derek?" I asked.

"I'm thinking that I need to give this to Red."

"Come on," I said, feeling the beginnings of panic. Had he gone through my phone? "Are things so bad now that you can't even see me to give me back my phone? Can't we just be grown ups?"

"It's not that, Bella," he said. "Look, this is really difficult, but, I just think Red needs to know about your relationship with Edward Cullen," he said.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I saw the text messages. I saw the call log."

"That's a violation of my privacy. And you can't prove anything."

"Red can decide what he wants to do with the information," he said. "I know you'll hate me for this, but deep down you know I'm right. Bella, you need help. You're going to ruin your life."

I hung up, shaking so bad I thought I might go into convulsions. .

#

I sat on the couch shaking, unable to calm myself. I had no idea what to think. I had no idea what to do. Should I quit my job? Should I confess, turn myself in? Should I call Edward's parents? Should I check myself into a psychiatric hospital?

My mind raced and I could not get my body to stop shaking. I was in some state of emotional shock. I needed to calm the fuck down.

I went back into the bathroom and pulled the Klonopin out. I had two left. I took them and went back into the living room and tried to breathe.

In the morning, I'll turn myself in. I'll talk to Red myself and then check myself into a psychiatric hospital, I thought. I will not allow Derek to drive my fate. He was right—I needed help, but I wanted it on my terms, not the terms of a judge. And not from prison, if I could avoid prison.

I pulled my wedding album from the shelf. You were a good person, Bella. You can be a good person again, I told myself.

I flipped to the first page. I wanted to remember who I was when I was worthy of love. I wanted to remember Zack. I silently begged him not to hate the person I had become.

I pulled the Grey Goose out of the liquor cabinet. A toast, I thought. Just one. I'll drink it slow.

I turned to the shots of our rehearsal dinner. His father making speeches in front of slides of us as children. My father choked up as he danced with me the evening before he'd walk me down the aisle. See? I had been a good person.

When I started drinking, I told myself I was just going to drink enough to take the edge off. Just enough to stop trembling and to fall asleep. But when the edge came off, I no longer cared how much I drank.

I flipped the page over to my wedding. There I was, in my white princess dress. I had been so young. A baby, really. Couldn't even legally drink. Yet in these photos where I was so young and innocent, I was still older than Edward was now. My heart sank with the realization.

I turned the page. Zack was standing with his groomsmen, so handsome in his uniform. I took out our first photo as husband and wife and held it between my fingers. We'd had our whole lives ahead of us.

Down came the tears. So, so many tears. I remembered then what it felt like to be good. But it didn't matter because even as I tried to immerse myself in that memory, I thought of Edward and how much I still wished he would return.

I needed some water. The edges of my vision went fuzzy and there was a red haze creeping in. I stood up and took a step, and then everything went black.

I don't know how much later it was, but I realized I was not actually in my body—I was standing next to myself, watching as vomit began to dribble out of the side of my mouth.

Oh no, I thought. Oh shit. What have you done, Bella? You're choking. Wake up wake up you're going to choke. No, no, no, fuck. Please wake up. I hovered near myself, but I couldn't find the way back in.

Someone was yelling my name. It sounded distant, like maybe it was from the road. Then I saw Edward streak across the living room to the floor where my body lay. Don't let me die, Edward. Please don't let me die.

"No… Bella… No… " He called, but he sounded so far away. He picked my limp body off the floor and stuck his hand in my mouth and leaned me over. I watched the vomit spill onto the rug. He pulled out his phone and dialed.

"Carlisle, you've got to get over here. Now. She OD'd." He dropped the phone and dragged my body into the bathroom, blasted the shower and threw me in. Then he slapped my face, but I couldn't feel anything because I was still outside. I marveled as a huge red mark spread across my jaw, covering the place where he'd struck me.

"Please Bella, don't die. You can't die." He put his ear to my chest and I desperately wanted to respond to him. I wanted to tell him how sorry I was. This was not supposed to happen. I was supposed to turn myself in. To try to be a good person again. Please don't feel bad. He had to know it wasn't his fault. It was my fault. But I couldn't speak because I didn't know how to get back into my body.

Then he buried his head in my neck and as the water was streaming over us, he let out the most mournful sound I'd ever heard in my life. I watched in agony as he put his mouth on my neck and then I felt something terrible.

Piercing, liquid fire entered my veins right at the base of my throat. Shards of glass lit with acid started to course through me. Hell. I'd died and gone to hell. I began to scream and kept screaming with agonizing pain and terror and then I opened my eyes. Edward pulled away from me, horrified, blood dripping from the corners of his open mouth.

"Make it stop!" I screamed at him. The acid began to spread thoughout my body, into my organs which began to ache as a rapid rigidity set in. I willed myself to leave my body again, but I couldn't go, couldn't escape the fire that burned me alive from inside.

"Kill me kill me kill me make it stop! Please!" I implored him.

He dragged me from the shower and laid me soaking wet across the bathroom floor. In seconds I had become paralyzed, unable to move on my own volition, yet I lay grotesquely twitching.

He leaned over me and said, "I love you, Bella. I'm so sorry." And then he wrapped his lips around the fiery wound and began to suck.

How can I describe the relief I felt as his ice cold mouth pulled the infected blood from my body? I felt lighter than light, like an essence. An idea, pure in form. I experienced a realm of delight so intense it couldn't exist anywhere on earth, it couldn't possibly be felt by mere mortals, yet I felt it more keenly than I'd ever felt anything. I began to hallucinate wild images from the forest. The white bear was standing over us, and then she faded slowly like a projected image in a lightening room.

The pain I had been experiencing was obliterated from my memory and then there was no discomfort of any kind anywhere, in any part of my body, in any part of my mind. Nirvana. I began to moan softly, disintegrating with the elation I felt as he continued to draw my blood. Then I climaxed under him, finally, as he was draining me of the last remnants of my life. He continued to suck and suck and suck and I felt my spirit lifting again, ready to leave for good when a loud and violent sound crushed my euphoria.

Carlisle and Emmett broke into the room where we were.

"Edward! Stop!" Carlisle commanded as he and Emmett pulled Edward with all of their force off of me.

Edward snarled like a ravenous lion pulled off a doe and struck Emmett in his attempt to get back to me. Emmett threw him to the floor with such force he cracked the bathroom tile. He held him down as Edward continued to fight. Edward looked over at me, again horrified, his eyes glowing red like a demon's.

Alice and Jasper came bursting in then.

"Are we too late?" Alice cried. "Is she dead?"

"Not yet," Carlisle said. "Alice, go down to the hospital and steal twelve units of blood and bring it back to the house."

"What type?" she asked, panicky.

"O negative," he said. "And hurry. Jasper, Emmett, take your brother out to the woods. If Jasper can't calm him down, beat him senseless." Then he lifted me off the floor. "I'm so sorry Miss Swan. Please, please forgive us."


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY ONE

Death Wish

Through the woods we ran, Carlisle cradling me like a sleeping child. I must be really fucked up, I thought. Who could run this fast? In the dark? Why didn't we take the car?

I was very weak. Too weak to talk, to ask questions. I just knew we were in a hurry and from what I understood, we were in a hurry because I might be dying. Yet all I could think was God, please don't let me die before I see Edward. I have to tell him how sorry I am for all of this.

By the time we stopped I was even too weak to open my eyes, but I could tell Carlisle was bringing me into his home. The air was cool and still and smelled faintly like Edward. I could hear the low, concerned voices of Esme and Mercy.

"How bad is it?" Esme asked.

"I don't know yet. Mercy will have to take a look."

I was lowered onto a bed. I heard a zipper pulled open, the clink of instruments, and then Carlisle gently opened my left eye, then the right, shining a light into each in turn. Esme sat by my side, holding my hand like I was a dear friend or maybe even a child of her own.

"What can you see?" Carlisle asked Mercy.

"I'm not sure," Mercy said. "She's lost so much blood I honestly don't know how she's alive. Her organs should be shutting down."

"Do you see venom?"

"Very little," she said. "Traces in the muscles of her left shoulder and along her spine. She needs blood. Fast."

"Alice is on her way. Bella, can you speak?"

I could not. Esme squeezed my hand. "Please, Bella, hang in there," she said. "Where is Edward?"

"Emmett and Jasper are with him," Carlisle said.

Someone rushed into the room, and then I heard Alice nervously ask, "Am I too late?"

There was the sound of the bag and tubing being attached quickly to the IV pole. Then there was a pinch as the needle went into my arm and then almost imperceptible at first, a steady, gradual sense of relief spread through my body, like I was having a good long drink, as the blood began to flow.

"Well?" Alice asked.

"We wait and see," Carlisle said. "If she can't come around, if her organs start to fail, we'll have to decide what to do."

"We can't let her die," Alice said. "That would kill Edward."

"I know," Carlisle said and then gently stroked my hand.

"Please hold on, Bella," Alice said, placing her hand on my arm. "Hold on."

I want to hold on, I wanted to tell her. I want to hold on, but I don't know what to hold onto.

#

Sound had been the last of my senses to leave, and it was the first to return.

"She's waking up," Mercy said.

I opened my eyes and saw Edward's head, bent down next to me, his brow resting on his hands. He was still and silent as I watched him, my heart beating stronger just at the sight of him. Without regard for anyone else who might be present, I reached for him, put my hand into his hair and stroked his head lovingly. He turned to me and took my hand in his.

"You're awake," he said with a sad smile.

"Why is Emmett holding onto you like that?" I asked, noticing the grip Emmett had on Edward's shoulder. His shirt was torn up, the sleeve almost off from the shoulder and streaked with dirt. "What's wrong with your eyes?"

"Which do you want me to answer first?"

"Am I dreaming?"

"No," he said. "What do you remember?"

"We were under water," I said, thinking of the shower, but not wanting to mention it in present company. Then the physical memory of pain ripped through me and I flinched. I looked down at my arm and saw the IV.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Did you bite me?" I asked.

"Yes," he said. "You were dying. It was very selfish of me."

"Oh God, that's right," I said, remembering, horrified at my own behavior. "Edward, I swear to you I was not trying to kill myself. It was an accident. I'm so sorry you found me like that."

"Do you remember anything else?" he asked. "Do you remember what happened after I bit you?"

"You took the pain away," I said, remembering the euphoria, lighter than light. The orgasm. I looked awkwardly around the room at the concerned faces of his family, who were all gathered around us.

"Bella, I nearly killed you."

"You did?"

"Yes," he said. "If Carlisle and Emmett hadn't come when they did, you'd be dead."

I sat up in bed, but Carlisle came to my side and said, "Bella, you really should stay lying down right now. You've lost a lot of blood."

"I feel fine," I said. "What time is it?"

"It's midnight," Edward said.

I looked around at my surroundings. The room was a warm mix of light and dark wood and glass. There were books on shelves and an antique Danish modern armoire and desk. I turned back and looked at the concerned faces of the Cullens, considering my strange non-reaction to the news that Edward had almost killed me.

I had to admit it was hard to believe, but Edward was so upset I tried to consider this possibility seriously. Did he almost kill me? I carefully pieced together my memories, forced myself to recall what had really happened on the bathroom floor of my house. But it made no sense. I must have been having some drug-induced hallucination.

"Can you ever forgive me?" he asked.

"Forgive you? Edward, you saved my life. There's nothing to forgive."

"That isn't true," he said. "I very nearly murdered you. That's why Emmett is holding onto me—in case I lose control again."

"You won't hurt me," I said, and I meant it. I don't know why I believed that so strongly then, but it was something I knew like I knew my own name, like I knew that whatever the consequence, I loved him. "I know you won't."

"I don't want to hurt you," he said, rubbing his thumb along my the palm of my hand. "I'd much rather die first."

"So what happened?" I asked. "How did you almost kill me?"

"I had to bite you to inject you with my venom before your heart stopped," he said. "When I did, you were so horrified and in so much pain, I couldn't go through with it. I didn't want you to hate me for eternity." He paused and out of the corner of my eye I noticed Rosalie turn and look away. "I tried to suck out the venom, but once I started drinking your blood I couldn't stop myself."

"I don't understand any of that," I said. "It makes no sense."

"Bella, I'm a vampire."

Then I began to cry, hard. "I'm having a really bad day, so please don't mess with me right now."

He pulled away from Emmett and put his arms around me. I put my face into his shoulder and breathed in his scent again. I could have stayed there in his arms the rest of my days, I thought. Don't let go of me. I don't care what the truth is. Just don't let go. "I know this seems impossible to believe," he said. "I didn't believe it at first either."

I looked at Carlisle, then at Esme. Their faces were completely straight. I looked around the room, waiting for someone to say something, anything, that would explain his statement as a metaphor, or as a delusion, or even as a twisted joke, but no one said anything at all. "You all believe he's a vampire?" I asked.

"Yes," Carlisle said. "We're all vampires here."

"Then why didn't you just let Edward kill me?"

"How could I let him kill you and destroy any chance he has for happiness for all of eternity?"

"I don't understand."

"We made a choice," Carlisle said. "It was not an easy choice, but our family has chosen to live as peaceful creatures. We don't prey on humans. It makes it easier to live with ourselves, and when you are immortal, you want to be able to live with yourself because you've got to do it forever."

"You're immortal?"

"Yes, Bella. We are immortal beings. It's more burdensome than you might imagine."

I checked each one of their faces, and I could read no deception in them. This idea that they were all vampires was insane. I understood that. But it also made sense, which told me I must be unravelling. All of the stress, the overindulgence in pills, my injury, my unnatural attraction for Edward, it must have caused something in my brain to snap. Because I was beginning to believe them.

I was probably dreaming again, just like the dream I had at Lake Crescent. If that had even been a dream. "Edward, do you remember the dream I had about you and the bear?"

"Yes, the Lake Crescent trip. I killed the Kermode bear. It wasn't a dream, though. I wish it was."

"And this isn't a dream either?"

"No," he said. "I swear to you."

I considered this for a moment. If I wasn't dreaming, then I was probably manic. And if I was manic, soon I'd stop being aware of my condition and I'd just embrace this whole fantasy once and for all, for however long it would last, until the next crash. Maybe that's just what I should do, I thought. Enjoy it while it lasts.

"I need this cast off," I said. "And I don't need this IV."

Carlisle looked over at Mercy. "What do you think?"

"Edward, move out of the way and let me look at her," she said. Edward pulled away from me and she scanned me from head to toe. "Her ankle is healed. Her blood levels look good."

"You can see all that just from looking at me?"

"It's my gift," she said. "I can see inside people's bodies. Right now your immune system is turbo-charged." Then she pulled a bandage from around my neck, apparently the place where Edward had bitten me. "And look, Carlisle. This wound is already healed like the bite happened a month ago. Bella, how do you feel?"

"Good," I said. "Really good."

"You look a little manic," she said, eyeing the top of my head. "I think his bite might have sparked something in your brain. You have to watch her, Edward. I don't know how high she might get."

"We've never seen quite this presentation before," Carlisle said, a little apologetically. "It's not typical for a human to lose that much blood and live, and we're not sure what effects the traces of Edward's venom might have, if any."

"Am I going to become a vampire?" I asked, still cognizant of how strange the question was.

"No," Mercy said. "You need more venom in your system than that to be changed into one of us."

"Come on, let's get you out of that cast," Edward said.

Carlisle removed the IV and I watched as the rest of the Cullens observed him, with keen interest, as he handled the bag of human blood. Then Edward told me to lay back on the bed, and he grabbed the top of my cast.

"Don't you need a saw for that?"

He just smiled and carefully pulled it apart, like it was made of paper.

"Go ahead and move it," he said. I wiggled my foot, turned it left and right and marveled at how strong and flexible it felt. "How does it feel?"

"Perfect," I said. "Better than ever."

"So are you going to turn her or not?" Rosalie asked.

"No," Edward said. "There's no need to now."

"It's your responsibility to turn her if you're going to keep her," Rosalie said. "You know the entire family is going to be implicated if this ends badly."

"It's not necessary right now," Carlisle said. "That's a discussion between Edward and Bella and it's none of our business."

"Turn me?"

"Into a vampire," Edward said.

"I thought she meant turn me in," I said. "I'm going to turn myself in in the morning."

"What are you talking about?" Edward said.

"I'm going to talk to Mr. Colter about my inappropriate contact with you," I said. "Then I'm going to check myself into a hospital or something before a judge gets involved, if that's possible."

"No," Edward said. "Definitely not. Why would you even consider doing that?"

"Derek has my phone," I said. "He's going to report me and I don't want him to beat me to it."

"Oh my God," Alice said. "Is that why I keep seeing a phone? I thought it was just static."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Alice has visions of the future," Edward said, as if he was explaining some incidental piece of information, like maybe she was double jointed in her thumbs. "She saw you passed out on the floor earlier this evening—that's why we all showed up at your house. Wait—is that what had you so upset tonight? Derek Banner?"

"Yes," I said. "But I was just trying to calm myself down. I swear I wasn't trying to kill myself."

"He's dead," Edward said, his eyes beginning to glow. "I'll kill him myself."

"No," I said. "Don't talk crazy. I don't want Derek to be killed."

"Edward," Carlisle said. "Control yourself or I'll have your brothers take you out back again."

"I'll get Bella's phone," Alice said. "Now that I know where it is. Jasp? Come with?"

"Do we need him here?" Emmett asked. "To keep Edward calm?"

"Jasper keeps you calm?" I asked.

"He keeps everybody calm," Alice said. "He's got good energy."

"I'll be fine," Edward said. "But be sure to teach Derek a lesson. Don't let him get away with tormenting Bella like that or else I really will deal with him myself. You have no idea how tempting that idea is."

"No problem," Alice said. "Rosalie, you want to come?"

"Sure," she said. "I need to blow off some steam."

"I'm in," Emmett said. "Sounds like a night."

"My God—what are you going to do? He already thinks you're all from the devil… whoa. Wait. You're not, right?"

"What do you think?" Edward asked.

"I don't believe in the devil," I said. "And you know what? If I'm wrong I really don't care."

"Maybe Jasper shouldn't go," Esme said. "I can't understand how she's taking all of this so well."

"It's the mania," I said. "It must be because there's no way I should feel this good. Yet every minute that goes by I feel better and better."

"Keep an eye on her, Edward," Mercy said. Edward look at her sharply, and then back at me, curious. Then he pulled me to my feet, and I noticed I was wearing an old halter dress of mine—not the outfit I had on when everything happened.

"Where did this come from?" I asked.

"I went back and got it for you while you were asleep," Alice said. "Your other outfit was wet, plus this one is so cute and you never wear it. I hope you don't mind."

"No," I said, a little bewildered, wondering who had actually changed my clothes for me.

"You'll need to borrow a sweater," she said. "The beach is cold this time of night."

"What?" I asked.

"Ignore her," Edward said. "She does that all the time. It can get annoying."

Alice made a face at him that made me laugh. I felt a strange surge of energy, a tingle at the base of my neck that made me giddy. Then I was hit with a calm feeling, and as I started to relax I looked over at Jasper, who gave me a friendly wink.

I was humbled by how the Cullens treated me like I was one of them, compassionate and invested in me as a person, yet at the same time they all claimed to be these fantastic, deadly creatures. Perhaps my mania was helping me assimilate this experience, I guessed, but part of me was profoundly disappointed that this reality might not be, well, real. I wanted to believe them. I wanted to believe in them. So I decided I would, for tonight, anyway. But there was one detail I had to sort out first.

"Edward, I just need to know one thing, okay?" I asked.

"Anything," Edward said. "I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"Are you saying you're not really seventeen?"

"Are you kidding me?"

"No," I said. "I need to know."

"Bella," Edward took me by the shoulders and looked me right in the eyes. "I'm a vampire. I haven't been seventeen since 1918."

I kissed him then, softly on the lips, felt them cool and reassuring against my own. He pulled me into him and kissed me deeply, and I began to cry with relief that I could finally just let myself have him. I didn't care if I was crazy—I needed to be with him. At least for tonight, before I went and turned myself in and checked myself into a psychiatric hospital. I saw Emmett from the corner of my eye make a motion to pull Edward back from me. "Please don't," I said, gripping Edward's back, my voice cracking.

"I'm all right," Edward said. "I'm not going to hurt her."

I turned and noticed the intensely emotional looks on the faces in the room. Alice, Mercy and Esme looked as though they might be crying, but there were no tears. Carlisle even looked choked up, and Emmett and Jasper looked like they were content, like some long chapter in a history text had finally come to a close and they were glad to be moving forward. Rosalie just looked away.

"Want to get out of here?" Edward whispered in my ear.

"You read my mind," I whispered back.

I didn't consider right then the dangerous implications of what had happened between us that night. All I knew was that tonight, I was with him and I had no fear.

#

We walked out to the garage and when I saw him approach a black sports car and I stopped dead. I definitely had to be dreaming. "Is that Aston Martin yours?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yeah," he said.

"That's a limited edition Vanquish," I said. "That thing is sex on wheels."

"I know," he said. "You've seen one before?"

"Not in person," I said. "How come you never drive this one?"

"It's my special occasion car," he said with a smile.

I stalked around the outside of the car, running my hand along the roof, the fender. It sat low to the ground and had more body than a pin up girl. It was the most beautiful car I'd ever seen. It suited him.

I sank into the leather and ran my hand along the dash like I was feeling up a stripper. This car made me want.

"Where do you want to go?"

"I want to see the ocean," I said.

"I know just the place," he said. He hit the gas and turned south on Rte. 101.

"Where are we going?"

"Kalaloch."

#

He turned up the stereo and I watched the tall dark trees flow by under the moonlight. They should have been a blur, deep shadows, but I could see every last leaf as we sped past.

I should have been afraid. I should have feared for my life with the way he was driving, and if not for my safety, then for my sanity with the heightened sensations I was experiencing. The euphoria of my blood letting had returned and I knew it signaled that something in my brain was very wrong. Broken. But the last thing I could call myself was afraid. In fact, I'd never felt more brave. And I'd never felt more determined. I looked over at Edward as he concentrated on the road that raced beneath us, his thoughts somewhere specific I couldn't guess.

"How long before we get there?" I asked.

"Why, are you in a hurry?" he asked, smiling.

"Yes," I said. My body felt hot and tense sitting next to him, knowing that I had him to myself for the night. I leaned over and nosed his neck. "Maybe you should pull over right here."

"Put your seatbelt on," he said, but I didn't. Instead I loosened the tie of my dress and pulled the fabric to either side a little, exposing the well of skin between breasts. He glanced down at me and shook his head, trying to suppress a smile and failing, which struck me as adorable. I leaned in and brushed my breasts along his arm and then ran my lips up his neck until I found his earlobe, taking it in between my teeth and biting down a little. He ran his hand along my thigh, under the skirt of my dress, making me breathe heavy.

"Careful," he warned.

I smiled as I slid my hand into his lap and felt his erection come alive and I got completely wet, just from touching him. "You'd better get us there soon," I said, only half joking. "Or I'm going to make a hot mess of your car."

He gave a small groan as I began to stroke him and then I lowered my head into his lap. He grabbed the back of my neck as if he might stop me, but then he ran his fingers through my hair, encouraging.

I unzipped him and felt him tense with anticipation. The car sped up and my heart began to pound. I reached into his pants and pulled out his cock, hard as stone, beautiful and perfect like the rest of him. I ran my fingers along the length of it and licked my lips, wetting them. Then I smiled right on the tip of his cock, my closed, dripping wet lips gently pressing their form to him. I slid them slowly down the shaft, kissing the entire length of him.

"Oh, Bella," he said in a low voice. "You must have some kind of death wish."

I traced my tongue around the tip of his cock and just tasted it, sweet and cold. He moaned again and wrapped his fingers gently around the back of my neck, threading them through my hair, stroking my head gently. I licked my lips again and then slid them tightly over him as I lowered my head down, down taking him deep into my throat, deeper than I even knew I could go. My body began to tense everywhere as I felt his cock filling my throat, his legs tense, the air rush out of his lungs, the car racing forward. I pulled back off of him slowly and was about to take him down again when he pulled me onto his lap, facing him, my skirt hiked well above my knees.

"We're going to crash," I said, but I didn't care.

His mouth covered mine but he kept his eyes straight ahead on the road. I could feel his erection beneath me as I straddled him and began to grind.

"I'm not fucking you in this car," he said. "You're going to have to control yourself."

"We'll see about that," I said.

"Not the first time," he growled in my ear. "Maybe the second time."

"Such a romantic," I said, kissing his neck. He laughed and slowed the car down.

"We're here," he said.

"Thank God."

#

He turned onto a long desolate lane and we rode along a break in the tree line. The moon hung low over a lagoon and beyond that I could hear the roar of the wide Pacific.

"Where are we?"

"My place," he said. He pulled up to a small, modern bungalow made of glass and concrete with wood detailing, tucked into the woods and overlooking the sea. It was secluded, hidden in what was certainly national park land. I hung my head out the window to catch sight of the water and the sound of the breaking waves.

"I thought we were just at your house," I said.

"That's my family's house."

"I never want to leave," I said.

"You haven't been inside yet," he said, smiling.

We got out of the car and he swept me up into his arms. It felt like only milliseconds, like I hadn't even had time to breathe, before we were through the front door and inside. He set me on my feet but I wouldn't let go of him because I was afraid if I did, he'd disappear again. So I held onto his head, my hands laced through his thick hair, and I started kissing his neck, just like the first time I'd ever kissed him back on Reckoner. But this time I allowed my lips to enjoy him, to savor the feel of his smooth, hard skin, to delight in the clean taste of him as my lips moved up towards that spot just below his ear. I would have lingered there longer, but I gasped as he lifted me again, hiking my dress high as he pinned me to the wall and pressed himself between my legs. I wrapped my legs around him as his lips found mine and his tongue delved deep in my mouth. I thought I might cum, right there, feeling him so hard between my legs.

"Edward I need you," I said, breathless. "Now. Like, right now."

"I know," he said, moving his lips along my jaw, up to my ear. "I need you, too." He reached up between my legs and tore my panties off and then put his hand back and just held it there, cool against the heat of me, dripping wet onto his fingers.

"You've got to hurry," I said, my breath ragged as I pulled at the buttons on his shirt, opening it, dragging it down off of his shoulders. "Please."

He kissed me again and then his fingers began to stroke me lightly and I was moaning, ready to just let go all over him already when he whispered, "Take your dress off."

He put me down and stepped back from me. I met his eyes, feeling suddenly shy as he watched me pull the dress over my head and drop it to the floor. Then I stepped towards him, but he pushed me back against the wall, keeping me at arms length. "I want to look at you," he said. "I've waited a long, long time for this moment. I don't want to rush it."

His eyes took in every inch of my naked skin and I could feel it reacting to his gaze. Over his shoulder I saw a perfect full moon through enormous windows that looked out onto the water. His skin reflected that light, made him shine in some ethereal way that made him even more stunning, if that was possible. Like he was made of moonlight himself.

"You're so beautiful," he said. "Are you even real?"

I could feel my body sizzle like a circuit beginning to overload. My nipples ached, my thighs tensed as he just stood there and watched me. "Edward," I said and stepped towards him again. He pushed me back to the wall and held me there with his hand against the base of my neck, his fingers smoothing over the new scar created by his own teeth.

"Look," he said. "This can get really dangerous so we've got to do things my way."

"I don't care if it's dangerous," I said. "I can't wait any longer."

Then he came over and lifted my chin and kissed me softly, sweetly, tentatively. "This isn't like anything you're used to, okay? If I lose control, it's going to hurt."

"I don't care," I said, getting frustrated. "You can hurt me as long as you fuck me."

He let out a long breath. "You cannot say things like that—especially not right now. You have no idea what words like that can do to me."

"Okay," I said. "It's just—you don't understand what I'm feeling right now. It's too much." I choked up with tears as he started to kiss me again, then he kissed my neck and ran his hands slowly over my body, across my shoulders, down over my breasts, his fingers lingering on my nipples, and then wandering down my sides and around to my back, his thumbs resting on my hips like they were taking their time, getting to know me in this new way.

As he was touching me I felt was as though the dull gray curtain of this world had been lifted and a multitude of vibrant colors, smells, sounds, tastes were deluging my brain. Every little sound felt amplified. There was no light in the room save the moon but it was still too bright. My head was exploding from the sounds of the water lapping and animals creeping in the woods and the moon humming out in space over us and Edward's slow, painfully exaggerated movement over me. I could hear the absence of his breathing. I could smell him, a scent burned into me, imprinting an unholy longing deep within, rich and subtle and inhuman, as was the taste of his mouth on mine. He was too fucking slow.

"You've got to hurry," I begged him. "You don't understand. Please."

"Look at me, Bella," he said.

I opened my eyes and looked into his, which had lost some of the glowing edge but were still a deep red.

"You've got to be still right now."

"No," I cried, pulling myself to him. He pushed me back.

"Stop it."

"Don't do this to me," I said.

"If you don't stop, I'm taking you home right now."

I glared at him, hurt and frustrated, but then took a few deep breaths and felt myself begin to get control over the adrenaline rush as I exhaled. My breathing became my sole focus, the center of my concentration until he moved again.

"Good," he said and kissed me again. "Don't move." I kept my body as still as I could but the tension building in me was alarming. "Don't move until I tell you," he said, dragging his lips down to my neck.

Then he moved his mouth over to my breast, his tongue making circles around my nipple. He took my nipple into his mouth and placed it between his teeth, teasing it with the tip of his tongue. I moaned as he slid his hand down, down over my belly, and then down between my legs, slipping his fingers into the wetness he found there. I was going to cum.

"Don't," he said. "Not yet."

He got on his knees and kissed me on my belly, an act that made it impossible to breathe without whimpering as his fingers softly stroked me below. I gripped his shoulders trying to keep myself upright. "I just want to take some of the edge off," he said, and then hooked my leg over his shoulder and moved his mouth lower, and then, there, his tongue tracing me, his fingers plying my need with increasing pressure. I cried out and he held me against the wall, his hands gripping my hips as his tongue moved to the point of my erect clit, wrapping it in sweet caresses over and over. Then he moved his tongue lower and thrust it into me, tasting the brunt of my climax. I moaned loudly as I released that tension over his tongue, and he held himself to me until I was spent before him.

I collapsed over him, cradling his head, holding him to me, shaking until he pulled me into his arms and kissed me.

"It isn't enough," I said, looking up at him.

"I know," he said. "Let's go for a walk."

#

He pulled me to my feet, wrapped a blanket around me and then carried me out the door and down a rocky path, to the beach.

"Are you warm enough?" he asked, setting me down on the sand.

"Yeah, actually." I spread the blanket down and then stood naked before him. "Strange, right? It's not like it's real warm out tonight."

"You're full of surprises," he said, eyeing me in the moonlight. "Come here."

He pulled me close and kissed me. Heat surged through my body as his lips worked over mine. I ran my hands down over his hard, naked chest. He moved his hands lightly up my sides and then down over my ass as he pressed himself to me. Then he paused and looked wordlessly into my eyes, and I saw a familiar hesitation.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said.

"Come on then," I said, kissing him lightly, again and again, slipping my tongue in between his parted lips, inviting him. I tugged at the button on his pants and he took them off and then he was finally naked in front of me. Now it was my turn to look.

The light reflected off of his skin, but not far, like it hovered just to stay near him, a shimmering halo, the lines of his body still sharp and defined. I ran my hand along the gentle slope of the muscles of his shoulders, over his chest, and then lower, over his hard abdomen and finally getting hold of that beautiful cock of his, my hands delighting in the smoothness of his flawless, hard skin, cold as it soothed the intense heat coming off of me.

Then he pulled me to the ground and held me in his arms as we sat looking out at the water. A grouping of tall stones towered out of the sea like a rock fortress. Fog clung to it, eerie and dense reflecting the light of the moon, drifting like stage smoke.

"Tell me what you're thinking," he said. "I can't imagine what's going through your mind after everything that's happened tonight."

"I'm thinking you still haven't fucked me."

He smiled and then he kissed me sweetly and touched his forehead to mine. He traced the curve of my breasts with his fingertips, then rolled a nipple gently between his fingers as I began to breath faster.

"Now, please?" I asked. "Why are you waiting?"

"I just want to be careful," he said. "I don't ever want to hurt you again."

"You're not going to hurt me," I said. Then I climbed onto him and straddled his cock, not putting it inside of me but sliding myself over him, getting the shaft wet. He moaned as I kissed him and then he grabbed my hips and held me.

"Okay, look," he said. I'm going to stay very still because if I start to move, I might really hurt you."

We'd see about that, I thought, but I didn't argue. I nodded and looked into his eyes which were intensely focused with his self control. I put the tip of his cock to me and then slowly, slowly slid myself onto it. He closed his eyes and groaned with me as I felt him fill me. I held myself there on him, unable to speak, move, think, or breathe, just shuddering as he held me. I had to check to see if my heart continued to beat, if the world continued to spin. Edward is inside of me, I thought. Oh my God, Edward is inside of me, finally.

"God," he said. "This was a bad idea."

I smiled at him. "It's going to be okay," I said and then I kissed him, tried to help him relax a little. I pulled back and then thrust myself against him and true to his word, he stayed still like marble, his face pained with his restraint.

"Move," I said.

"No," he said. "It isn't safe. You're going to have to take it like this or not at all."

"Fuck safe," I said, sliding myself forward on him again, feeling him stiff and unmoving. "I don't want safe. Please?"

"Don't beg," he said.

"Then move like you want me."

"You're playing with a loaded gun."

"Shoot me, then." He pulled me off of him and something about the absence of him, the agonizing absence of his cock from my core, turned me rabid. I lost all control of myself and raged at him. "No!" I cried, grabbing fistfulls of his hair, my teeth gnashing at his neck. He looked worried as he restrained me.

"Calm down," he said. "You're manic."

"Fuck. You." I cried. "You call yourself a fucking vampire?"

And there, I'd found the limit of Edward's patience.

"Fine," he seethed into my ear. Then he pushed me down on my hands and knees and bent over me. "Don't say you weren't warned."

I felt his hard cock brushing me and felt myself light up and drip with excitement. My breathing quickened and I trembled as I waited nervously for him to enter. He paused, sizing me up from behind and I began to shake as I felt his hands on my ass and then he teased me with the tip. I tried to slam myself back onto him but he caught my hips and then rolled me onto my back.

"You don't learn, do you?"

His mouth came crushing down onto mine, his eyes black as he drove into me like a sledgehammer, a movement that obliterated my thirst for him with a satisfaction I'd never imagined possible. It felt so fucking good I wanted to die right there, disintegrate into the sand and be washed out to sea. I wanted to live on in the hereafter as the eternal memory of that fuck.

"Thank you thank you thank you," I moaned over and over into his ear, scraping my fingers along his back, feeling my consciousness go soft, the dreamlike quality of the moment intensified as he fucked me harder and harder, right there under the stars. I felt a twinge of guilt as he tore at the ground with his hands, gnashed his teeth together to keep himself from tearing into me. I now understood what he meant by the danger. He was pounding into me, a relentless tide of motion that worked my body into a tender, yielding essence. If his hands and mouth had been on me then, I probably would have been ripped to pieces. I started to lose control and called out, "Edward, I'm… "

He covered my mouth with his hand. "Shut the fuck up and don't cum until I say or I won't be able to stop myself. Do you understand?"

It was the first time I believed Edward might truly be a vampire, that fantasy could be a reality. And I wanted him not in spite of the demon he fought so hard to contain, but because of it.

I tried to pull myself back from the edge of my orgasm but it was too late. My thighs began to flex, all of the muscles in my torso, my arms began to tense as I clenched my entire being around his cock, ready to rocket to my release. He started to moan, an unearthly roar and then he commanded it.

"Now, Bella."

I came all over him as he released himself inside of me, filling me. The thrum of my pulsing body pulled that fiery lava deep, surprisingly hot and thick as it filled every crevice, every channel of me and I shuddered violently as I let go. I felt his mouth on my neck, his tongue snaking around the place he'd bitten me earlier.

"Do it," I whispered, "do it."

I felt his teeth on my skin and prepared myself for that final layer of ecstasy but he didn't take me there. Instead he just kissed my skin tenderly, a gesture of memory only.

The force of his orgasm ebbed and he became gentle and slow inside of me as I continued to pulse under him. He looked into my eyes for a long moment and then kissed me softly—a remarkable contrast to the rough handling of our lovemaking. I held onto him. I never wanted to let go.

"I love you," I said, my voice breaking with the intensity of my emotion. I closed my eyes as his mouth covered mine in another kiss.

"I love you too," he said.

"What now?" I asked him. "What are we going to do?"

"Marry me," he said.


	22. Chapter 22

**CHAPTER TWENTY TWO**

**Complications**

"Marry you?" I felt my heart swell, thought it might even explode and leave me tattered there beneath him, I was so utterly undone by his proposal. My eyes were wet with tears from the intensity of it all and he kissed them as they rolled from the corners of my eyes. I exhaled slowly, then took another deep breath and tried to remember where I was, who I was.

Could this moment be real? Maybe it was a dream. A very, very good dream where Edward had just fucked me into another plane of reality, one where he was a vampire and I wasn't breaking the law. One where the object of my deepest desire, my most ardent affection, had just asked me to marry him right at the tail end of the best lay of my existence.

No way this was real. I was just not this lucky.

Edward was still inside of me, on top me, all around me, like a state of being I wanted to maintain myself in forever. He was cradling my head, his hands resting along either side of my face as he gazed intently into my eyes. "Yes," he said softly, then kissed me gently on the lips again. "Marry me."

Say yes before you wake up, I thought. You know you want to say yes.

But I couldn't. I just didn't trust what I was seeing, what I was hearing. And I couldn't think straight with him inside of me. "Please don't pull out," I whispered as I felt him shift inside of me. "Don't leave me."

"I'm not going to leave you," he said, and then he began to grow harder again. I sucked in my breath and arched my back. He slid forward into me slowly, slowly, until he could go no deeper, and then he held himself there.

I closed my eyes, trying to test myself and my very loose grip on reality. If I was dreaming, any minute I'd probably begin to see some entirely new fantastic scene, like turtles riding bicycles down K street. I waited with my eyes closed, but all I saw was darkness. I opened them again, convinced I'd see my living room, the view of the ceiling and the far window from my couch. But instead I saw Edward, smiling down at me. "Please don't let me wake up from this," I said. "Ever."

"You're not dreaming," he said. "I promise."

"I want to believe you, but I'm afraid that any minute you're going to pull away and disappear into the night again."

"No way." He moved his cool, soft lips over my ear, my neck, my shoulder. "You'll never be rid of me now."

"I never want to be rid of you."

"Then marry me."

"Marry you?" How could he be serious? "As in, hire a caterer, invite my parents, register for good china marry you?"

"I was thinking something private," he said. "Maybe Maui?"

Bewildered, I turned my head and looked out across the water, so dark save the lighted path of the moon's reflection. I should have been cold. I should have been scared, or at least confused. I should have been tired, at the very least. I should have been so many things I wasn't in that moment. Instead I felt like shimmering light, particles of me gravitating around him. I felt like if he pulled out of me I'd float away, out over the sea.

I had to be manic, and manic was no state of mind to be in when considering marriage proposals, from magical creatures or otherwise.

"So, you're undecided then," he said. "That's okay. Take your time."

"I can't marry you, Edward. How is that even possible?"

"Yes, you can," he said, reassuring. He kissed me and then slowly dragged his lips over my neck, down to where where he'd bitten me, sending an arc of current down my spine. Then he whispered in my ear, "and you will. You just don't know it yet."

"Alice told you this?" I asked, hopefully.

"No," he said, kissing me softly again. "This I've always known in my heart."

#

I lost track of the number of times we fucked on the beach. It all ran together because after that first time I couldn't tolerate the absence of him from my body. There were just brief pauses where he wasn't inside of me, but I found even those unbearable, like my body had craved him so strongly for such a long time, that once I had him inside of me I couldn't stand to not feel him there. So he stayed inside of me—on top of me, next to me, beneath me, behind me. Then when I finally started to relax, he brought me back to the house and into his bed.

"I thought you didn't sleep," I said.

"I don't."

Too bad, I thought, since it would have been a perfectly good bed for sleeping. Yes, it really was too bad that he didn't sleep, since he owned this gorgeous antique iron bed, big enough for a harem to take residence in.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," I said, laying back on the pillows, hiding a scowl, not very well.

"I like to read in bed." He gestured to the book shelves lined with well-worn books.

"Right," I said. "Who else likes to read in your bed?"

"You're in no position to talk. Don't remind me who was in your bed last night."

"Wow, was that really just last night? Feels like a year ago."

"Let's change the subject."

"I want to know who. Was it Mercy?"

"Bella Swan, know this," he said, sitting down next to me, taking my hands in his. "There's been no one in this bed who hasn't been completely eclipsed by your presence here. This is now your bed. I'm giving it to you."

"Really?"

"Yes, really." He pulled a blanket up over me and climbed into bed, wrapping his arms around me, tucking his chin lightly into the crook of my neck. I smiled contentedly as I felt his nose nuzzling behind my ear. "Aren't you tired?" he asked. "You've had a long, long night."

"No," I said, yawning, suddenly feeling my body more relaxed than it had possibly ever been before. "I'm dreading tomorrow. I don't want this night to end."

"I'll make you a deal. You let yourself get some sleep and I promise to give you as many nights like this as you want, from here to eternity."

"Okay," I said. "I'll take that deal. But if I wake up and you're gone and I'm on my couch, I'm coming after you."

"Good night, my love."

And so I finally let the night go, willed myself to dream of him, of us in some eternal plane where the good nights were endless and the mornings didn't herald a return to all of the painful realities visible in daylight.

#

The next morning I awoke in his bed alone. I'm still in Edward's bed, I thought. It wasn't a dream.

The sun couldn't cut through the bank of clouds that enveloped the landscape and a thick fog rolled off the sea, felt like right into the room where I lounged, humming with good feeling. My body felt like it had been worked over by a team of massage therapists fit for an Olympic wrestler. For the first time in weeks nothing ached and my mind was absolutely clear. It was like waking up in a new body with a new brain. I still had all of my memories, but they no longer hurt.

Then I suddenly remembered something and bolted out of bed.

I was late for work.

I quickly pulled Edward's shirt over me and ran into the other room. On the dining room table I found a place setting and a small spread of cantaloupe, strawberries, and toast.

"Good morning," Edward said, smiling from behind the kitchen counter. He was wearing a pair of worn jeans and nothing else. At the sight of him I nearly forgot what I was doing. I felt a stupidly wide grin spread across my face.

"Hi," I said. "I've got to get ready for work. I'm going to be late."

"It's only six," he said. "You've only been asleep for two hours. Are you tired?"

"I feel like I slept all night."

"Are you hungry?"

"Starving." I picked up a strawberry and caught an amazing aroma. "Oh my God—did you make coffee?"

"Of course," he said, pouring me a cup. I took a sip and it was hot, strong and delicious. Perfect. I really should marry him, I joked to myself.

"I thought you don't eat," I said.

"I don't," he said. "Have a seat—I need to talk to you."

He was nervous as he pulled the chair out for me. I found that sort of cute, if a little troubling. I'd never seen Edward nervous before.

"I've been thinking about last night…" he paused. "I really shouldn't have proposed to you in the heat of the moment like that."

Excellent coffee aside, that took the buzz right out of my morning. I understood that marrying Edward was a ludicrous notion, not one I could realistically entertain. But I still felt devastated at the revocation of this offer.

"It's okay," I tried to reassure him, but my voice was unsteady. "I know sometimes things get said during sex…"

"No," he interrupted me, taking my hands into his, kneeling before me. "No, no, no. That's not what I meant. I definitely want to marry you."

"You do?"

"Of course I do." He smiled. "But I should have waited to propose until some of this had time to sink in. And I never should have asked you without your ring."

"My ring?"

"Well, my mother's ring," he said. "It will be yours, someday."

He still wanted to marry me. Like I could just marry him, like he wasn't a vampire, like he hadn't been a student at my place of employ. Like I wasn't manic. Like this was real, not some hallucination or fairy tale. He wanted to marry me and that made me ridiculously happy. But how could I possibly accept?

"Edward, I don't even know a way that we can date, let alone get married."

"That's exactly why I should have waited. And I'm sorry for that."

"Well," I said, feeling much better, "you're going to have to make it up to me now."

"I suppose you're right," he said, catching on.

He pulled me out of the chair and then backed me into the wall, bringing back the memory of how he'd held me there the night before, which immediately got me breathing heavy and wet. I ran my hands over his naked chest, felt my body tingle as he looked down at me with a crooked smile. He unbuttoned my shirt, then pulled it open and ran the backs of his fingers over my breasts, let them linger on the tightening peaks.

"So what is it you want?" he asked, his thumb gently caressing my nipple.

It was hard to think when he did that, but I put my arms around his neck, put my mouth to his ear and whispered as seductively as I could.

"I'm afraid you're going to have to let me drive your car."

"Shit," he said. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather have something else?" He ran his hands down over my ass and pushed his knee in between my legs, spreading them a little. "How about a foot rub?"

"Are you kidding me?" I started to breathe heavier.

"Weekend in Vegas?"

"Sorry. I don't see any other way."

"Fine," he said. "But if you wrack up my transmission with your concrete touch, I'm putting you over my knee."

"Don't even tempt me," I said.

"You're right. Maybe I'll just put you over my knee anyway."

"Oh my God," I said. "You wouldn't."

Then he hesitated and turned his head towards the door.

"What's wrong?"

"Alice and Jasper are here," he said. "They've got your phone."

#

Edward went into the bedroom and brought me out a pair of his jeans, which were huge, but at least they covered my bottom half. I would have worried more about what Alice and Jasper might have thought, seeing me in their brother's clothes after an obviously long night, but before they even got inside the door Edward said, "Something's wrong."

"What is it?"

"It's Derek," he said. "He's in the hospital."

"Oh no, what did they do to him?" I said, feeling panicked.

"It wasn't them," he said.

There was a knock on the front door, and Edward let them in. Alice came over to me and handed me my phone, my car keys, and a bag.

"We brought you your car and some clothes for work," she said. "You're going in, right?"

"Yes, thank you," I said. "But what happened to Derek? Is he okay?"

She gave me a concerned smile. "Well, we all went out to Derek's right after you left. He was asleep so I grabbed your phone and we thought we'd just re-arrange all of his furniture so that when he woke up he'd be freaked out. Harmless, right? But Rosalie thought that wouldn't scare him enough."

"Jesus," Edward said shaking his head. "Now what has she done?"

"She didn't get a chance to do anything," Alice said, a little defensively. "She woke him up and was going to do some theatrics, that's all, but when he saw us all there he freaked out so bad he just ran off into the woods behind his house. While we were debating whether to go after him or not we heard him get attacked. It was a bear, Edward. Why would a bear do that to Derek?"

"I don't know," Edward said. "Maybe because he was on the Lake Crescent trip. They've been really agitated ever since then."

"Wait—what happened to Derek?" I asked, getting more upset.

"Well, Emmett went after him and pulled the bear off of him. But he was badly hurt. He's in the hospital."

I started to cry. I'd been angry at Derek, had secretly enjoyed the thought of the Cullens tormenting him a little, since he'd been such a dick about them, even if he was sort of right about their supernatural status. But I'd never wanted him to be physically harmed.

"I'm really sorry, Bella," Alice said, hugging me. "We swear we never meant for him to get hurt."

"How bad off is he?" Edward asked.

"He's got a deep gash on his back from a claw," Jasper said. "A bad bite on his shoulder, and another on his left leg. It looked like his tibia was crushed. But Emmett got to him pretty fast and took him right to the ER. Carlisle met us down there and got him admitted without too much attention. It was dead last night, luckily."

"Carlisle must be pissed," Edward said.

"He's not real happy about it," Jasper said.

"Is Derek going to be all right?" I asked.

"It looks that way," Alice said. "Physically, at least. Mentally, I really don't know."

"What happened to the bear?" Edward asked. "What did Emmett do to it?"

"Nothing," Alice said. "He was worried it was one of them."

"One of who?" I asked.

"One of the Ani-Tsa-gu-hi," Jasper said. "If Edward isn't around, we can't tell a regular bear from a shape shifter."

"Whoa," I said. "Whoa, whoa. Wait. Shape shifters are real?"

"Um… " Alice said, biting her lip.

"So the legend of the boy who turned into a bear and took the whole tribe was real?" I wondered out loud. And if bears might be shape shifters—what about the Quileute? "You promised to tell me anything I asked," I said to Edward. "Is Jacob Black a shape shifter?"

"You're going to have to ask him that yourself," he said. "We can't talk about the Quileute."

"What about the bears?" I said. "Can you at least tell me about them?"

"We have no treaty with the Ani-Tsa-gu-hi, Edward," Alice said.

"I know," he looked at me, and thought for a minute. "I have a theory, but no proof of anything. This summer when we came back to Forks, Emmet and Jasper were bear hunting and they had an… incident. We haven't killed any bear since, other than the one I killed at Lake Crescent."

"The Kermode bear," I recalled sadly.

"I didn't have a choice," he said, his face growing dark. "I didn't want to kill her."

"What was this bear hunting incident?"

"I killed a black bear," Jasper said. "But it had human blood and it sparked uncontrollable blood lust."

"It was so bad we almost took him to Seattle to decree hunt," Alice said. "Thank God we didn't have to do that."

"Decree hunt?"

"It's a term for hunting humans you believe deserve to die—murderers, rapists, that sort of thing," Edward said. "Don't get me started on that subject."

"Well, you used to go all the time," Alice said.

"That was a long time ago," he said.

"You used to hunt humans?" I said, my eyes wide with surprise.

"Of course," he said. "Bella, I'm a vampire—most vampires hunt humans. You do realize this, right?"

"There are more vampires besides all of you?"

"Yes," he said. "Look, you should get ready for work if you're going in. You're going to be late."

"I'm always late," I said, wondering what other strange fairy tales and myths might turn out to be true. "What the hell am I going to tell people about my ankle?"

"The trick to deception is this," Edward said. "Tell people what they already believe. They'll take one look at you and make up some kind of story about what happened. Figure out what it is, and if you act like it's true, they'll never question it."

#

I pulled into the parking lot at school, without a cast on my ankle, in a dress. Alice must have gone through my closet to find the most neglected wardrobe pieces I had to find this dress. It was a strappy, floaty sundress with a cute floral print, something Illeana had insisted I buy when I was in Port Angeles last summer. The ensemble was complemented by a light cashmere cardigan and a little blue scarf, which Alice had arranged so that the shiny, hard double-crescent shaped scar that was exactly the size of Edward's mouth wouldn't be visible. Not unless you looked very closely.

I thought I could really swing this, "tell-people-what-they-want-to-hear" business, and I wasn't worried at all about confronting any curiosity from students or even from my coworkers. They'd all be consumed with the disturbing news about Derek, no doubt, and probably would hardly notice anything different about me. So I was feeling rather confident. Until I pulled into the school parking lot.

Charlie's police cruiser was parked at the edge of the lot, next to the woods. He leaned against it, talking to two deputies and Red. As I pulled in, he stared at my car, clearly perturbed by the fact that I was driving.

Shit, shit, shit, I thought. There was no avoiding him, though, so I pulled my car up right next to his and hopped out.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Did you get my message about Derek?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said, though I hadn't bothered to check my messages. "What brings you out here?"

"Bears," Red said, nodding over to the woods. "I wanted to be sure the woods were clear before the students got here."

"Can I speak to you for a minute?" Charlie asked, nodding in a direction away from the small crowd. I followed him over to the picnic benches and noticed the groups of students arriving for the last day of finals. "Where is your cast and why the hell are you in a dress? You hate dresses."

"Do we need to discuss this right now?" I asked, much more confidently than I would have guessed I could answer him.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, Dad," I said, my tone softening. I didn't want to worry him. "I'm fine. I swear."

"Well, you look nice," he said, still obviously concerned.

"Thanks," I said and walked back over to Red and the deputies. Charlie followed.

"Red, I need to see you in my office," I said. He cocked an eyebrow at me, a bit surprised by my assertive tone, almost as surprised as I was, as I had just then realized I was going to resign.

"Sure thing, Bella," Red said. "I'll meet you inside after the first bell."

Paige, Jessica, Angela and Erik came walking over to where we stood. News of Derek's attack had already rippled through Forks that morning. I tried to hide my guilt as well as the thumping of my pulse as I watched the Cullens arrive and join the small group of curious students gathering next Charlie's cruiser.

"How is Mr. Banner?" Angela asked. "We heard he got attacked last night."

"Last I heard he was in stable condition," Red said. "I'm sure he'll pull through okay."

"I want all you kids to stay out of the woods," Charlie said. "We've got to find the bear that did this and have it put down."

"NO!" I cried, and noticed Alice's mouth twitch a little, and then felt hit with a blast of calm. I looked over at Jasper who kept his face straight. "Dad, isn't there some other way to deal with it? Can't it be rehabilitated? Sent to a zoo?"

"I'm sorry, Bella," Charlie said. "This is probably the same bear who attacked that guy at the Mill last week. It has to be dealt with."

"But do you have to kill it?"

"Yes," he said. "That's the law. And we've applied to the Department of Fish and Wildlife for special permit here so we can organize a hunt and get this bear population under control before more people get hurt. "

"Oh no," Paige said, biting her lip. Jessica, Angela and Erik all exchanged worried looks.

"No," I said. "Just… no."

"Since when are you an animal rights activist?" he asked.

"We've gotten attached to them," I said. "We've been studying them all year."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I've got to protect people," he said. "That's my duty."

"Okay folks," Red said, breaking up the crowd. "Off to homeroom. Nobody in the woods, is that understood?"

The kids dispersed, the Alice Cullen giving several backward glances towards the woods, towards where I remained with my father. Red went back inside for morning announcements and the deputies walked to the edge of the woods to scout for the return of the bears. Charlie crossed his arms and gave me a long look.

"What?" I said.

"Nothing," he said. "Not unless you have something you want to tell me."

"Not really. Not right now, anyway."

He continued to stare at me for a minute, then gave me a small nod. "If you change your mind, let me know."

"I will, Dad," I said and turned to leave. Then I stopped and turned around and gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, whatever the reason," he said.

I smiled at him. "It's a guy."

"Great," he said sarcastically. "You just got rid of a guy."

"Oh God, I know. I really hope Derek is going to be okay."

"So is it anyone I know?"

"Maybe."

"I don't need to know. I honestly don't want to know right now."

"I'm a little manic, Dad," I said. "A lot manic, actually."

"You should go see Illeana," he said. "Before you get hurt."

"You worry too much," I said.

#

In my office, I called Jake. He didn't answer, so I sent him a text message.

"Charlie is organizing bear hunt. You have to stop it."

I waited. Three minutes later, almost to the second, my phone rang.

"Why didn't you pick up for me?" I asked him. "That's annoying."

"What's this about a bear hunt?" Jake asked.

"Are you a wolf?" I asked.

"What the hell are you talking about? Are you high?"

"This time of morning?"

"You've been popping a lot of Percocet lately," he said.

"Thanks for the vote of confidence. Are you going to stop Charlie?"

"What happened?"

"Derek got attacked by a bear," I said, and then felt myself choke up with tears. "Last night. In the woods behind his house."

"No way," Jake said. "Are you shitting me?"

"No," I said. "Charlie is going to find the bear and euthanize it, and he's applied for a special permit to organize a hunt. You can't let him do that, Jake. It would be a tragedy."

"Okay, calm down. I'll take care of it."

"So it's true? The bears are shape shifters?"

"Where would you get an idea like that?"

"Mike Newton," I said. "He told us that legend, remember?"

"Bella, you're losing it. You really are on too many pain meds."

"You can tell me the truth," I said. "We're practically family, right? Charlie is marrying Sue—I'll be a step-Quileute. I should be in on the shape shifting gig."

"I've got to go," he said. "I've got a math final to give in ten minutes. I'll take you out to dinner tonight, okay?"

"I'm busy," I said.

"Busy?" he asked. "Busy doing what?"

"I have to go," I said, grateful for the knock on my door and Red's head peering around the corner. "My boss is here." I hung up.

Red came in and took a seat on my couch, and I considered him. He was like family to me too. All the times I'd fucked up on this job, all the times he'd kept me around anyway. Even though I'd never win employee of the year, I knew he'd be sorry to see me leave, just like I'd be sorry to disappoint him by leaving.

"I'm resigning," I said and felt a pang as I watched his face cloud over.

"Bella, I know this was a rough year, but I'd really like you to reconsider," he said. "You're a great counselor and you did one hell of a job this year. We would have been lost without you last week."

"I appreciate that, but I've got to move on, you know? It's time for me."

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know," I said. "Travel, I think. Then I'll try to get into the UW's psychology department. Finish up my Ph.D. Maybe get into research."

"You're so good with the kids," he said. I felt my stomach flip about thirty times at his words. I had felt anything but good about my work with kids this year. "It'd be a shame to lose you."

"I'll come visit."

"Anytime you want to come back, you have a job here."

"I don't deserve that," I said. "But thanks."

#

I got every last bit of paperwork finished. I packed my books in a box that I found outside by the dumpsters. I gave away all my pictures and plaques and knick knacks. I called Charlie and told him I'd resigned so he wouldn't hear it from Red. He wasn't surprised. Concerned, but not surprised.

I sent out an email to all my colleagues thanking them for the wonderful support and camaraderie over the last four years and wishing them all the best. Anna Marie Gladwell, the anthropology post-doc who was coming out to La Push next week, had emailed me the details of her arrival. I answered her and forwarded it to Jake. Then I wiped all the data I could legally wipe from my hard drive.

I was ready to go.

I carried my box out to the car. In the parking lot I saw Paige and Jessica hanging out by Jessica's Toyota, listening to the stereo, laughing. I was so relieved that they would end this year as friends again. Angela and Erik came over and joined their conversation. Alice, Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper stood on the edge of the woods, peering in, looking for bears, I knew. Alice looked over at me and made a face. I gave her a small nod as I approached my Thoreau club kids.

"Hey guys," I said. "I just want to let you know I'm leaving Forks High."

"No way! Why?" Paige asked.

"Time to move on," I said, smiling. "I'm going to travel and maybe go back to school and finish my doctorate. Plus all my favorite kids are graduating."

"You'll be at graduation Saturday, right?" Angela asked, giving me a hug.

"Of course," I said. "I wouldn't miss it."

"Thanks for all your help this year," Jessica said. "I'll miss you."

"Seriously," Paige said, giving me a hug. I cried a little as I hugged them back. And then I went on my way to my car, where Alice was waiting.

"We were just coming to your office to get you," she said quietly. "There are three bears out in the woods here. We need to get out of here."

"I hope they stay out of sight," I said.

"Edward wants you to go home and pack a bag. He'll meet you there and then he's taking you to Port Angeles for a few days. He's worried it's not safe for you around Forks right now."

"Why didn't he call me?" I whispered. I looked over my shoulder to see who else might be around. Random groups of kids, finished with their last exams, strolled out to their cars.

"You've had some bad luck with your phone lately, remember? I'm telling him you're on your way," Alice said, texting on her phone.

I looked over to the school building, waiting to feel choked up, waiting to feel that inability to let go and move on, but I didn't feel it. I looked over at Paige, Jessica, Angela, and Erik, who were absorbed once again in whatever graduation party plans they were discussing. Then I looked over to the woods, wondering how many bears might be coming back to this part of the forest where their reality collided with ours. I hoped they'd stay out of view, that they'd behave and not get themselves marked for destruction. I was ready to go.

"Tell Edward I'll be ready when he gets there," I said.

#

I should have been tired, I thought. With how little sleep I'd had, I should have been exhausted. But instead I was amped.

The drive from Forks High to my house was short. I could have walked it. I could have skipped it with my box of books and assorted office paraphernalia on my head I felt so energetic. What should I pack? I wondered. Mentally I perused my lingerie, made a note to go shopping in Port Angeles. Where was he taking me? What would we do? Besides that, I wondered. Actually, I didn't really want to do anything besides that. Maybe I wouldn't pack anything but a tooth brush.

My mood was soaring. I didn't think I could get much higher, even despite the angst I felt about the bears and Derek. I was riding that high nicely until I pulled down K Street and caught sight of the motorcycle in my driveway and the brawny, dark haired guy in a black t-shirt on my porch. Jake.

Fuck.


	23. Chapter 23

**CHAPTER TWENTY THREE**

**Encounter with a Wolf**

I kept driving, right on past my house, without another glance at Jake. I felt his eyes follow me. Within thirty seconds he and his Harley appeared in my rearview mirror. Good. He wouldn't be at my house when Edward arrived. That felt like the priority right then, that Edward and Jacob not have some big confrontation in my front yard. Maybe inciting Jacob to chase me wasn't the best plan, but it was the only one I could think of in the moment so it would have to do. I hit the gas and prayed Charlie was busy on the other side of Forks, because I most definitely was going to be breaking the law.

As I zipped around the edge of town with Jake tailing me, I almost wished I'd taken Edward's car to work that day. Though, it had been difficult enough fending off the "where's your cast?" questions from coworkers and students. "Where'd you get the two hundred fifty thousand dollar car?" might have been a bit trickier to manage. My Mini was cute and quick, but it was no Vanquish, didn't really handle all that much better than a Civic. Now I regretted I passing on a 325i I'd looked at, because I could really use a car that cornered right about now.

I'll head straight to Port Angeles, I thought. Edward can meet me there. Jake wouldn't follow me for that long before getting the hint, right?

On the main road I cruised up to 70, then 75, then 80, then 90—fast even for me. I felt invincible, like my car could actually handle the curves and the bumps at high speed. Although the rough ride convinced me that my next car would have to be a sports car. Without question. I called Edward.

"Babe?" I said when he answered. "Can you pack me a bag?"

"Hey, where are you? I'm at your place."

"There's been a little complication," I said. "I'll meet you in Port Angeles."

"What's going on?"

"Jacob was waiting for me at my house and I sort of accused him of being a wolf earlier on the phone, so I think he wants to have a conversation I really don't want to have right now. So I'm sort of, well, driving. And he's following me on his motorcycle."

"Where the hell are you, Bella?"

"Rte 101, maybe a mile south of 110."

"Pull over. I'll be right there."

"I don't think so," I said. "He's pretty pissed off and I don't think it'd be a good idea for the two of you to meet under these circumstances. He doesn't like you."

"Bella, are you in the middle of a god damned car chase?"

"Sort of. I guess you can call it that. I should go—I don't have a headset."

"Pull over before you get yourself killed."

"I'll call you back in a few minutes. I'm going to try to lose him."

"Bella… " He sounded stressed out as I dropped the phone on the passenger seat. I'd deal with him later.

The accelerator felt a little soft as I tried to nudge up towards triple digits on the speedometer. There wasn't much headroom left and I was hardly match for Jake in terms of handling, so he caught me going into a curve, zipped in front of me and forced me to slow down. I tried to go around him, but an oncoming car caused me to swerve back and put a wheel into the ditch. I miraculously managed to hang onto the steering and pop it back out without flipping the car, but I had to pull over because I'd blown two tires.

I sat there, not nearly as shaken as I should have been, and tried to decide whether it would be very stupid of me to run. I had no good reason to run from him, but I could feel every individual hair on the back of my neck rising and that told me a confrontation with Jacob was going to be a serious problem. In any case, I was in the ballet flats Alice had picked out for me and not any shoes suitable for a foot chase, so I stayed where I was. Jake ran over to the car and wrenched the door open.

"Jesus Christ Bella, are you okay?" he asked. "Why the hell are you running from me?"

"Hey," I said. "I had some errands to run."

"Bullshit," he said giving me his hand to help me out of the car. I paused, debating last minute what I should do.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I said, grabbing my phone off the front seat. I took his hand and got out and tried to act casual. "What's up?"

His eyes seared me in one hot glance. "So your ankle is all better now, huh?" His voice was strange, untrustworthy. I took a few steps back from him and looked off into the woods, wondering what direction I might run in if it came down to that.

"Yeah," I said. "Turned out to not to be as bad as I thought."

"How about that," he said, taking a step towards me. His suspicious glare made me uncomfortable, like he was looking for evidence of some serious transgression, and I felt oddly guilty. As his eyes landed on my neck, I quickly adjusted the scarf, hoping it was still covering my bite mark. Then without warning he pushed me up against the side of the car, stuck his nose in my neck and took a deep, dramatic breath. "You smell different."

"What the hell are you doing?" I tried to move out from under him, but he pinned me to the side of the car and pulled my scarf off so he could see my neck. Then he ran his hot fingers over the scar, burning me. I flinched in pain and his eyes grew menacing.

"Who did this to you, Bella?" he said in a freaky calm voice, gripping me by the shoulders.

"Let go of me," I hissed at him.

"Tell me who did this to you," he said, angrier. "I know it was a Cullen. Tell me right now which one."

"Let go, asshole. You're hurting me."

"Tell me!" He bellowed.

"Fuck you," I yelled back.

"Fine. I'll kill them all, then," he said. "And really, I don't care. The world will be better off without them."

"You're not going to kill anyone, you dick. You have a treaty."

"What do you know about that?" he demanded, his eyes narrowing in anger.

"I know you're a wolf, Jacob. I know everything."

"You don't know a fucking thing."

"Let go of me, God damn it," I said. "Edward is on his way."

"I knew it. I saw how he looked at you yesterday morning." Jacob let go of me and paced like he was trying to keep himself from blowing up. He came back and got in my face. "Are you fucking that parasite?"

"Fuck you," I said. "How dare you talk to me like that?"

"Are you?" he yelled, his anger causing the veins to bulge on his neck, his face to turn dark.

"Yes, I'm fucking a fucking vampire, okay?" I yelled back. "But I really don't see how it's any worse than fucking a werewolf. I guess I'll have to fuck a mummy next to complete the set. Or maybe a unicorn."

The screeching of tires interrupted our argument and my stomach twisted and churned as Edward leaped from the Vanquish and stormed over to us. Jake grabbed me by the arm and maneuvered himself in front of me.

"Let her go," Edward said.

"You violated the treaty," Jacob said. "I have every right to kill you now."

"No!" I cried.

"He's not going to kill me," Edward said. "You're upsetting Bella."

"You bit her, you fucking freak," Jacob said. "Why isn't she one of you?"

"Let her go," Edward said.

"You can't have her," Jacob said, tightening his grip on me. "She's protected. She has family."

"You don't own me, Jacob."

"Shut the fuck up, Bella, you have no idea what you're talking about," Jacob said.

"Fuck you," I said, wrenching my arm from his grasp and pushing my way past him, surprising us both. He turned and grabbed me again by the arm and pulled me back, too hard and I cried out in pain. Edward lunged at Jake and wrapped his hand around his neck and squeezed.

"Edward, stop!" I screamed. "Don't hurt him!"

Edward looked over at me and I could see his eyes had turned an even deeper red, the intensity of his anger making them flash dangerously. He drew in a sharp breath, exhaled loudly and then turned back to Jacob and let him go. "Stand back," Edward said.

The moment he was released, Jacob burst out of his clothes, and then his own skin, and then bristled with reddish brown fur everywhere, transforming before my eyes into a demonic looking wolf, larger than a human, more ferocious looking than any creature I'd ever seen. He bared his enormous glistening teeth and growled menacingly.

"Holy shit," I said. "So it really is true."

"Get in the car, Bella," Edward said.

Jacob growled as I backed towards the Vanquish. Edward crouched in an aggressive stance and I felt terror rip through me.

"Look, it's her decision," Edward said. "I'm not forcing her into anything. I didn't trick her." Edward glanced back at me, and looked over to Jacob who gave a low growl. "Bella, you need to get in the car. He's calling the pack."

"He's what?"

"Please get in the car," he said, his tone more stressed.

I ran to the Vanquish and jumped in, Edward right behind me, and Jake right behind him. Edward knocked Jake back towards the woods with a blow to the shoulder and then climbed into the driver's seat and we took off.

In the rearview mirror, I saw four other wolves galloping out of the woods to flank Jake. Edward slammed into gear and we tore down the road, the wolves following.

"Holy shit! What are they doing?"

"They're trying to save you," he said.

"I don't need to be saved," I said, confused. "Why is Jake trying to save me?"

"Because he believes I've seduced you into being with me, and that I'm going to turn you into a vampire. He's worried you'll lose your soul."

"What a crock of bullshit," I said.

"You don't know that," he said.

We accelerated into a curve, the car like a magnet to the road's surface, my body glued to the seat. "Do you believe that?" I asked him.

"I don't know," he said. "But I can't guarantee he's wrong."

"I don't need a guarantee—I officially no longer believe in guarantees."

"Fine," Edward said. "But you should be aware that there's a chance I have no soul."

"If any of us have souls, you definitely have one. Maybe your soul is stronger because of what you've had to overcome to be who you are today. Ever think of that?"

His eyes turned soft, though still pointed straight ahead at the road. I clasped my hand around his and leaned in to kiss him on the ear as he checked the rearview mirror again. I turned around and looked at the road behind us, but I could no longer see the wolves.

"They're in the woods," he said. "They won't run on the road for long because they don't want to be seen, but they're close by. We'll be fine once we hit Port Angeles. They won't come out in the city."

Edward got on the phone with Carlisle and told him about the confrontation with Jacob and the fact that we were now being trailed by five werewolves. Carlisle said the Cullens would meet us at Reckoner where it would be safe until he could speak to Billy Black to see if some sort of truce could be arranged. Edward didn't look hopeful about that.

"I should call Jake," I said. "If I explain this all to him, he'll back off."

"I doubt he'll pick up," Edward said.

"I'll leave him a message," I said, trying to interpret the consternation that crossed Edward's face. Was he angry or just stressed out? I got into Jake's voicemail and started rambling. "Listen, the only reason Edward bit me was because he found me…" I stopped talking because the horror of the previous night's events suddenly broke through my strange adrenaline-fueled focus. I continued, my voice wavering with emotion. "I was dying, Jake. He bit me to keep me from dying and then he sucked all the venom out, so I'm not a vampire, okay? It's just a big misunderstanding. Call me when you're not freaking out. I don't want to fight. Oh, and could you please not tell Charlie? I'll tell him myself. Eventually." Then I sent him a text message, "We need to talk. Listen to vm and call me."

"You should call your father," Edward said when I hung up. "He's going to worry when your car is found."

He was right, of course, though I dreaded talking to Charlie more than I dreaded anything about this situation. More than I dreaded the wolf pack or the bears, I dreaded hurting Charlie in some way. Oh please, Charlie, please don't ask me a lot of questions. I really hate lying to you, I silently begged.

"Dad?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine. But I put my car in a ditch and popped two tires. Can you have it towed to the garage? I'm on my way to see Illeana for a few days."

There was a long silence. I was certain he was about to ask me what had happened and who I was with and what could I say? I'm thirty years old, I can say whatever I want, I reminded myself. I took a breath.

"I'll take care of it," he finally said. "When are you coming home?"

"I'll be home for graduation." Edward scowled at me and shook his head in disagreement. "I promised the kids."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, Dad," I said, straining to keep my voice neutral, biting my lip. Manic energy began to surge through me again, but not in any good way, carrying all of my guilt and anxiety to new highs. "I'm sorry."

"Bella, what's wrong?" he asked. "Do you want me to come get you?"

"No," I said. "I'm okay, I swear."

"Well, I'm glad you're going to see Illeana," he said.

"Yeah it's been too long. I have to go now—I love you."

"I love you too, Bells. Call me if you need anything."

I hung up and began to cry. Edward reached for my hand and held it gently. I felt disoriented, anxious, like I had no idea where the line between my imagination and reality existed. I was in love with a vampire. My oldest friend was a werewolf. My ex-fiance had been mauled by a shape shifted bear. What part of my world would crumble next?

"I don't know what's real," I said, my voice shaking. "I can't trust anything I think I know. It's all fucked up."

"This is a very disorienting period for you," he said. "I wish I'd found a way to make this transition easier. I never wanted to upend your life."

I looked over at him and his eyes were still deep red, but now full of sadness.

"You saved my life," I said. "I'd have no life to upend if it wasn't for you."

"You give me far too much credit."

"No, I don't."

"I want you to consider something for me," he said, pulling into Port Angeles city limits. "I know there won't be enough time for you to think it over, so please think it through carefully before answering."

"What?"

"I want you to leave Forks with me."

"Okay," I said.

"What? Are you saying yes?"

"Yes," I said. "When do we leave?"

"No, I want you to think about it for longer than that."

"I don't need to."

"Yes, you do," he said. "Just last night you told me you couldn't marry me because you thought this was a dream, and you were right to put me off."

"Marriage is a different matter," I said.

"Well I don't want you making a rash decision about this, either. You don't know the first thing about the life of a vampire. If you're going to come with me we have to talk about that and you need to think through all the repercussions. You've got family, a life, a reputation to consider. Everyone in Forks thinks I'm seventeen—how are you going to handle that?"

"I'm coming with you and I don't care how it looks."

"That's the mania talking."

"You're starting to piss me off, Edward. And that's another thing—of all the stories to come up as cover, why the hell did you have to pretend to be a high school student? Couldn't you have pretended to be a spy?"

"Oh shit," he said. "I know and I'm sorry, Bella. It was an experiment. It was probably the dumbest thing we ever did."

"Why did you do it?"

"It was for Alice. She never got to go to high school, and she was very sentimental for her lost humanity. She wanted to go back and have the experience of being a normal teenager. We thought if we all went with her to school we could help her get through the year and we could re-establish ourselves in Forks at a young age, which would allow us to integrate with the human population and stay for awhile. When we spend too much time out of human population we lose our empathy for humans, which makes it more likely we'll hunt them."

"Wow."

"The whole year was a disaster except for one thing."

"What?"

"I found you." His mood lightened then, a crooked smile spread across his lips. I raised my eyebrows at him.

"I'm coming with you," I said.

"I know."

#

Downtown was a little crowded but Edward pulled into a parking spot on the street in front of Illeana's office building.

"Hey—I wasn't serious about seeing Illeana," I said.

"Well, actually, you have an appointment," he said, looking a little sheepish.

"What are you talking about?" I started to feel my face get hot.

"I called her this morning after you left for work. She cleared her schedule to see you this afternoon."

"Oh my God—did you tell her about us?"

"She sort of already knew about that."

"How could she know anything about that? I never told her anything."

"Bella—Illeana is my psychiatrist."

He could have told me he was Carl Jung and I would have been less shocked. "So wait—you're not a vampire?" My heart began to pound as reality shifted hazily around me again. "You're schizophrenic? BiPolar?"

"No, no," he said. "It started out as reconnaissance, actually. I was stalking you, so I was using Illeana to get close to you." He paused, a guilty look crossing his face. "So I booked a session with her under the guise of needing a psychiatric evaluation."

"When?"

"Last winter, after I met her at Mercy's show. Anyway, I found her very easy to talk to, so I told her the truth about my obsessive tendencies toward you, which I did find unhealthy and troubling. I didn't want to stalk you, Bella. But when it comes down to it, I'm a vampire, and vampires are stalkers. And I was fixated on you."

"Holy shit—Derek was right?"

"I told you as much."

"How did he know?"

"He's open to the more fantastic things of this world, so he picks up on them. So does Mike Newton."

"But Derek was wrong about your intentions—you'd never hurt me."

"Of course not," he said. "And I'm not possessed by a demon, either. But I've had to do a lot of work to give you space. You have no idea how difficult it was just to let you go to work today and not follow you. And given how it turned out I shouldn't have."

"I wouldn't go that far."

"Bella, you got into a car chase with Jacob Black. You could have been killed."

"You're over reacting a little, I think."

He shook his head at me, looked at me with some exasperation.

"Wait… does Illeana know that you're a vampire?" I asked.

"Yes."

"No. No, she doesn't."

"She's a very good psychiatrist. Very open minded."

"No way. This can't be happening." Now my best friend was in on vampires, and she never told me? "What did you specifically tell her about me?"

"I told her you OD'd last night and that I'd bitten you and extracted the venom and nearly killed you. And that you're manic."

"Oh shit, Edward. Are you trying to get me hospitalized?"

"No," he said, looking concerned. "Not unless that's what Illeana thinks you need."

"Oh, fuck. No," I said. "Please, please don't do this. I can't go to a hospital. You have no idea how depressing psychiatric hospitals are."

"Listen, the most important thing on this earth to me is that you are safe. You've had a terrible time lately, and most of it has been my fault. I don't want to hospitalize you—I just want to her to check you out and make sure you're okay."

"I don't believe this," I said, tears stinging my eyes. But when it came down to it, I knew he was absolutely right. My behavior over the past week had been completely self destructive, and my mental state since last night had been unreliable, glittering stars under a halo of hazy realities. I wanted to see Illeana and have her clear out the fog, I just didn't want to be put away.

He gave my hand a gentle squeeze and kissed me on the cheek.

"Are you ready?" he asked. "She's waiting."

"Okay," I said.

#

We sat in Illeana's waiting room, which was thankfully empty of patients, until Illeana waddled out, her beautiful round baby belly reminding me the time to meet Perla Rogers was drawing near. She looked tired and concerned as she gave us each a welcoming hug. She took me by the arm and led me into her office while Edward waited outside.

"It's been way too long," she said. "I really wish you would have told me what you've been going through. You know I would have been there for you."

"What do you know?" I asked.

"What do you know?" she asked.

"Are you trying to entrap me?"

"So you're paranoid now, too?"

"I'm not suicidal and I'm not going in-patient. I don't care if I'm floridly psychotic right now—I'm not going. You can medicate me until I can't move but I'm not going in-patient."

"Why are you so angry?"

"Because you didn't tell me about vampires," I said, raising my voice. Then I lowered it again, trying to keep control over my emotions. "And I spent nine months despising myself for being in love with a teenager."

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"

"I didn't try to kill myself," I said.

She said nothing, but leveled that look that told me I was full of shit.

"I thought I was going to go to jail," I said, my eyes stinging from the acid of my tears. I didn't want to appear erratic or in any way out of control. "I thought I was going to disgrace my father and I was in a lot of pain and I just wasn't thinking. I don't want to kill myself, Illeana. I really don't."

"Okay, hija," she said. "I believe you. I swear."

"How could you not tell me you were seeing him?" I accused her, my voice bitter. "I'm your best friend."

"I'm a psychiatrist, Bella. You know I can't break confidentiality. I could be sued."

"You're not worried about being sued by a vampire," I said. "Please give me some credit."

"You have no idea," she said. "I'm much more afraid of lawyers."

"So do you believe he's a vampire?"

"Yes, he's definitely a vampire," she said.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Bella, I'm a doctor. I can tell a living person from an undead one."

"Illeana, what the hell am I going to do?"

"You're going to deal with your shit, that's what, so you can stop tormenting yourself. Either that or I really will put you up to keep you from doing something stupid again."

"Fuck, no," I said. "Please don't."

"Are you ready to talk then? I've got all night."

I sighed and leaned back into the couch. Afternoon sun was streaming through the tall windows behind Illeana's desk, a diffuse glow surrounded her, like some kind of aura. Maybe it was. Maybe with my mania I could see auras now.

"Do you believe in auras?" I asked.

"Of course," she said. "Why, can you see mine?"

"Yes," I said. "It's all pink."

"That's Perla," she smiled. "Maybe Edward's venom has opened you up, given you the sight, crees?"

"Who knows?" I said, and let out a big sigh. "I have no idea what's real anymore, Ill. I'm lost."

"You're far from lost, girl," she said. "You're found, if you ask me."

We sat quietly together, her looking at me in that caring, compassionate way of hers. She really would sit there all night, I believed, would order empandas and virgin sangria for delivery and talk auras and vampires until I was ready to talk about the big scary stuff I kept buried deep in my aching heart.

"I've got so much shit to process," I said. "I don't even know where to start."

"Zachary," she said. "You have to start with him."

At the sound of his name, said out loud, I felt the first tears spilling. I turned my head to the side, wiped my eyes with the backs of my hands and tried to just breathe. He could have been sitting on the couch with me, I felt Zack's presence so acutely, like he'd never left.

"I've been the shittiest widow ever," I began but had to stop because I was choking on my guilt. "It's like whenever I remember him it hurts so bad I'm afraid it's going to kill me."

"What's the last thing you remember of him?"

"He promised when he got home from this tour we could start a family," I said, glancing over at Illeana's big belly and feeling pain like an axe through my core.

"You talk like he's still over there."

I closed my eyes and covered my face as more pain hit me. She was right. I hadn't even realized it.

"That was our last conversation on the phone—'Baby, I'm gonna knock you up when I get home, so get ready.'" I used my best Zack impression and laughed a little as I remembered him teasing me. "A few days later the officers were at my door with the notice… " My voice trailed off as I felt myself shutting down, the room going grey around me.

"Bella?" Illeana said. "Can you stay here with me?"

"It hurts," I said. "I can't believe how much it still hurts."

"I'm sure," she said. "I can't imagine what kind of pain that must be for you."

"What am I going to do?"

"Can you just let yourself feel it for a minute?"

"I'm afraid."

"I know," she said. "Try this—close your eyes and move them slowly to the left."

I did, and felt my heart begin to beat a little less frantically in my chest, felt my breathing begin to seat itself lower in my lungs.

"Good. Now move your eyes back to the right. Do it slowly."

I did as she asked and felt the tide of pain recede some more.

"Are you still with me?"

"Yes," I said.

"Good. Now do it again—even more slowly."

My eyes still closed, I moved them to the left and held them there for a couple of beats and felt my breath deepening, slowing, my lungs filling comfortably. I exhaled and then moved my eyes to the right slowly and felt as though my brain had centered itself. "What is this doing?"

"It's supporting your corpus callosum to get the left and right hemispheres of your brain talking. The left brain is now taking some of the heat from the emotional right brain and mitigating your overactive amygdala. Do you feel calmer?"

"Totally," I said. "That's freaky."

"Cool, right? It's a combination of hypnosis and modified EMDR."

"Wow," I said.

"You can use that anytime you get overwhelmed. It only takes a few minutes. Can you go back to that memory of Zack now?"

"Okay," I said, tentatively. I closed my eyes again and thought of him in his uniform, thought of the fear I had even then that he wouldn't come back and felt sick. I opened my eyes. "It's like I've just tried to blot him out, Ill. Like I never even had that life."

"Bella, you did what you had to do to survive. Zachary was a soldier—he of all people understood survival."

"What should I do?"

"You're going to have to forgive yourself," she said. "If Zack was here right now, do you think he'd want you to be so angry with yourself?"

"Of course not," I said. "We talked about these things. We were young but we understood the risks. He wanted me to promise him…"

Suddenly I found myself right in the middle of my last night with Zachary. He'd taken me out for crab legs and then home again, where we'd closed all the curtains, cranked up the stereo and had sex in every room of the house. In the small hours of the morning when we were worn and clutching onto those final moments together he'd asked me, "Isabella, if I don't make it home this time, what will you do?"

"Don't talk like that," I'd said. "You have to come home to me."

"Please, honey. I need to know that if something happens to me over there you're going to be okay. I want you to finish your degree, meet someone, have a life. For me."

"Zack, please," I'd said. "You're going to jinx yourself."

"Since when are you so superstitious?"

"I hate talking like this. Especially right now."

"Promise me then."

"Promise what?" Illeana asked, breaking into my thoughts.

"I promised him if he didn't come home I'd finish school and move on with my life."

"Did he say anything about you marrying again?"

"Yes," I said, choking up. "He wanted me to get married again if he died. I told him forget it."

"Why?"

"I didn't want him to die," I said, crying. "I thought if he thought I'd be alone the rest of my life, maybe he would find a way not to get killed and leave me."

"Okay," she said. "I get it."

"You do?"

"Yep. By not moving on in your life, you're punishing Zack for getting killed and leaving you."

My stomach churned and I dug my nails into the palms of my hands as I considered how right she was. It was agony to have that in the forefront of my consciousness. "I am so angry at him for dying, Illeana. I know that makes me a terrible wife."

"Of course you're angry," she said. "I would be too."

"I don't want to be angry anymore," I said. "It's killing me."

"So maybe you have to forgive Zack first," she said. And the guilt I felt at this realization made me cry so hard I gave myself a migraine. Illeana handed me the box of tissues.

"Okay," I said, blowing my nose. "I'll work on that."

"But Bella, you have to realize, once you forgive him for dying, he'll really be dead. He won't be out there in your unconscious, trying to come home to you. Are you ready for that?"

I lowered my head to my knees and buried myself in my arms, gripping my hair to keep my head from slipping off my neck. Illeana rubbed my back and then wrapped her arms around me as I shook with full body sobs. I don't know how long we sat there, but there came a time when my body stopped shaking, the sobs stopped and I finally felt emptied of that agonizing pain. It wasn't gone, but for the time being, it wasn't strangling me from the inside. Like the pain itself had been let out onto the carpet of Illeana's office, and I could be separate from it for once, could see it for what it was, rather than trying to wrestle it out from my guts. And looking at it there like that, I realized I was bigger than it. I was stronger.

"I want to move forward," I said. "I'm ready now."

"Forward is right out there in my waiting room," she said. "He's waiting for you."

I nodded. She was right. But I was still afraid. "This whole vampire thing—I'm still afraid that I'm going to wake from some kind of dream and find out I'm in love with a high school student."

"It's an episode of de-realization, Bella, you know this. Your world assumptions have been shattered. It takes time to adjust."

"So then how do I trust reality?"

"Trust yourself," she said. "You're not really crazy, okay? The world is crazy. Just do the best you can. You will come to believe in yourself and your vision of the world. But give yourself time."

"Okay then, if I trust that he's not really 17, I am still disgusted with myself for how I behaved with him when I thought he was. I'm having tremendous guilt over this."

"I know you are," she said. "So let's try a thought experiment. I want you to pretend that Edward was the one in your shoes. Let's say he had survived some traumatic loss, perhaps even the loss of everyone he ever loved when he was still quite young."

"I know where you're going with this."

"Stay with me. Let's say he coped with it in ways that were self destructive, not pills, necessarily, but let's say the way he handled those losses led him to feel very conflicted internally."

"Right," I said. "I get it."

"Now let's say it's years later and he meets someone who is clearly off-limits to him, but he falls deeply in love with her anyway. He tries to keep himself from crossing the line, from doing things he knows aren't right or socially acceptable, maybe from doing things that he believes might even be harmful to her. But he fails. No matter what he tries, he is still helplessly driven to her. What would you say to him about that?"

"I'd say I totally understand," I said. "We are driven by our feelings, and when we try to act out of line with our feelings, it makes us feel crazy and sick. That's the conflict of humanity—the id versus the superego. Sometimes the id wins."

"Sometimes the id is right, Bella. Your central nervous system, that part of your mind that lives in your tissue, in your cells, but not necessarily in your cognitions, knows some things that you can't register with your consciousness. That's what we call intuition and it's a very real part of you."

"I know," I said. "I suck at listening to my intuition."

"You have to practice, girl. Your body knows what what you need. Your mind, the superego, can be flooded with data from the outside world that can confuse more than clarify things. So the superego isn't always right. And in the case of both you and Edward, it has been very clearly wrong."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean your heart knows he's right for you and your brain has fucked you up. So tell your brain to shut up and listen to your heart."

I started to cry again, but this time it wasn't pain that those tears carried out of my body. It was relief.

"Bring him in," I said. "Please."

"Sure," she said. She pulled away from me and gave me a long, caring look. Then she gave me a gentle kiss on my forehead. "You deserve to be happy, hija."

Edward came into the office, a little tentative. I felt like my soul wanted to levitate off the couch and hover all around him, I was struck with such a profound sense of relief that he was there, with me, in this new reality. My face must have been swollen from all of the heavy, hard crying I'd been doing and he looked worried as he studied me. He crossed the room to take the chair next to the couch where I sat and I shook my head and motioned for him to sit next to me on the couch. I put my arms around him, buried my nose in his shoulder and breathed deeply, happily lost in the scent of him.

"Thanks," I said. He cradled me in his arms and smoothed my hair.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah."

"She's got work to do, but she's on the right trail," Illeana said.

"What about the depression?" he asked.

"She's not depressed. She's grieving, finally, which is good. It's what she needs to do. But she's also manic, so it's a bit of a mess in her head." Illeana took out a prescription pad and began scribbling. "Keep an eye on her and if she gets any higher call me."

"Are you prescribing me medication?"

"Bella, you've got traces of his venom in you—do not take any pills, do you understand me? And absolutely no alcohol. I have no idea what they'll do to you right now."

"I feel really sketchy."

"I'll bet," she said, handing me the prescription pad. On it were a bunch of instructions that she went over with us. "No caffeine or sugar, get an hour at least of aerobic exercise every day and make sure you're getting a minimum of eight hours of sleep."

"I can't sleep if I'm manic."

"You can if you get enough aerobic exercise," she said. "Try swimming. Low impact, good burn. I'm sure you can think of some other activities. Have you had any craving for blood?"

"No, gross."

"Red wine?"

"No."

"Have you figured out what you're going to tell Charlie?"

"No," I said. "I'm really worried about that too."

"Never underestimate Charlie," Illeana said. "He'll find a way to accept this as long as he knows you're safe and happy. That's all he wants."

"I know," I said.

"And how about you, Mr. Cullen?" Illeana asked. "Is all right with the world now?"

"She's coming with me," he said. "I can't ask for more of the world than that."


	24. Chapter 24

**CHAPTER TWENTY FOUR**

**There, There**

In the elevator outside of Illeana's office Edward held my hand, a contemplative look about him, as though he was considering a lifetime of memories and how in succession they composed one long, but inconspicuous trail right to where we now stood, alone, descending into what was left of daylight out on the street. His eyes were dark and distant but I was acutely aware of his fingers, how present they felt intertwined with mine. It was that heightened tactile sensation I always felt anywhere on my body he touched me, any time he drew near to me. Whenever he touched me, wherever he touched me, I was somehow more alive.

As I attended his hand, stroking my thumb over his, feeling now the many years known to the curve of his fingers, the breadth of his palm, I almost dared to ask him. Will you make me yours forever? Don't leave me in this frail state where there's any chance I'll put you through the kind of hell you just witnessed on Illeana's couch. Make me immortal like you, with you. For you.

But an elevator was no place to request immortality. Better wait for the boat.

"Are we going to Reckoner now?" I asked.

"We can go anywhere you like."

"I want to go to Reckoner."

"You need clothes." He put his arm around my shoulders as we exited the building, reminding me of that chance meeting in Seattle last fall. Had it been chance?

"I suppose you're right, but I'd rather have a root canal than go to a mall right now. And my face looks like hell from all that crying, I'm sure."

"You look beautiful," he said, planting a soft kiss just above my eyebrow. "But I can ask Alice to stop and pick you up some things."

In the car he called her. "Bella needs a wardrobe, so buy a trunk. Don't buy all dresses—she likes jeans and t-shirts and she'll need summer things—a bathing suit." He paused. "Yes, definitely. She's your size."

"A trunk?"

"We're going to be gone awhile," he said.

"But I'm going home first so I can just grab my things."

"We'll talk about that," he said.

"There's nothing to talk about—I need to see Charlie before we leave, and I promised the kids I'd be at graduation."

"I'm not sure what's going on with the bears and I don't trust Jacob Black, so I don't want you in Forks right now."

"Jake would never hurt me."

"If he gets hold of you he won't let you go, and I will most definitely come for you, Bella. I can't promise I won't hurt him this time."

"Once Jake understands how I feel about you, he'll back off."

Edward laughed when I said that.

"I'm serious," I said.

"Your faith in people amazes me."

"He's not people. He's Jake."

Edward was angry, but he didn't say more. He didn't acquiesce, but he wouldn't be able to stop me, not in any reasonable way, though it still remained a question how unreasonable Edward might be in a circumstance like this. Would he force me to stay with him against my will? And a more unnerving question I had to ask myself—how much would I mind if he did?

A shadow fell across both our faces. I saw it on his, felt it on my own but wasn't sure which of our shared burdens cast it there. It could have been the tiff we were having about my return to Forks. But it also could have been the spilling of my grief in Illeana's office, the unfinished confrontation with Jake on the road, the damaged treaty between the Cullens and the Quileute, or even the fact that my ex-fiancé lay wounded, traumatized by a bear that may or may not have been a human once. And then there was the ominous, yet little-discussed fact that not twenty-four hours before I had nearly died by my own hand, and then had nearly been killed by him, saved only by the fortunate speed with which his family acted on our behalves. Any one of these things would have been enough strain between us. The combination of them was unbearable.

"Please don't be angry," I said. "I can't stand it."

"I don't want to be angry."

I took his hand into mine, caressing it, trying to break some of the tension between us. "What can I do?"

He looked up at the stoplight where we sat waiting as though he was looking for some kind of advice from the red beacon hanging in the street above. Then he looked over at me and said, "I guess I'll have to think of something." His cool eyes lit up as a small smirk cracked that irritated expression of his, and I nodded in understanding.

"Yes, give it some thought," I said. I put his hand to my mouth and kissed the underside of his fingers down to his palm. "Do you realize how many hours it's been since you've fucked me?"

"Sixteen, roughly."

"Too many. I'd be careful if I was you. If you tempt me now we may not make it back to the boat tonight."

"Is that some kind of threat?"

"That was your first and final warning."

"I'll take that under consideration."

He downshifted and then reached over and drew a cold hand up my skirt, causing me to gasp in surprise as his icy skin met the heat of my inner thigh. I squeezed my knees together instinctively, a reaction to the temperature difference. He pushed his hand further up between my thighs and I unhooked my seatbelt so I could move closer to him. I got on my knees in my seat and leaned over him as he drove down the main thoroughfare. Then I took his earlobe between my teeth, slipped my tongue around it, tasting the clean scent of his skin.

"Stop the car, Edward," I whispered, dropping my hand to his lap.

"You want me to pull over right here on Front Street?" He teased me, like he was shocked at the suggestion.

"Yes, here." I put my hand on his thigh and moved it slowly up his leg.

"No," he said. "Not here." Then he pulled off the main road, turning towards the waterfront and then down a little lane, into an empty parking lot, stopping in front of the sign for the trailhead for the Olympic Discovery Trail.

"This is an interesting time to go for a hike," I said.

"I think you'll like this one."

He leaned over and kissed me lightly on the lips and worked his hand back up between my legs. His finger hooked the fabric of my panties and quickly slipped them down over my knees, then down to my ankles, then freeing them from me. He twisted them between his fingers as he kissed me again, this time harder, demanding my lips part beneath his. Just as my breath began to get ragged with longing, he pulled away.

"Get out," he said.

I went to grab my panties from him but he pulled them out of reach and shook his head at me. "You won't be needing these," he said. He could barely contain the wicked smile that lit his eyes like the devil's own. His intent made me blush a heavy rose, but it was plain my apparent humility only added to his interest. I could feel myself hot and slick with anticipation. Edward inhaled deeply through his nose and nodded at the car door that I should let myself out.

I tried to act confident, haughty even, despite how naked I now felt beneath that little dress, as I stepped out of the car and strode over to the edge of the trees, my back to him, though I could feel him watching me. The smell of a cigarette caused me to turn at the trailhead, where I saw him lean casually against the Vanquish, smoking as he studied me. I looked down at the ballet flats on my feet, again wishing I had some proper kind of shoe on, but it didn't matter. I knew what he wanted. He nodded again, towards the woods.

I blew him a kiss and then disappeared up the trail, into the trees.

Although the sun was just beginning its descent, it wasn't quite dark yet, though under the tree cover it was darkening fast. Still I was able to see quite well, much better than I would have expected. As I ran through the trees I was happy my shoes were little impediment to speed. I leaped over a downed tree just off the path, feeling giddy, a little high. I love mania, I thought, though I knew in reality the dangers might lead to a devastating decision or two.

I continued to pick my way quickly, delicately through the woods, but heard nothing and no one advancing behind me. Then I realized he hadn't even left the car yet. I'd been given a head start.

I ran further, but where to hide? Edward was a hunter—he'd be able to guess what I would be thinking and he'd know how limited my options were out here. Trees, trees and more trees to hide behind. Not much sport in that. I savored the small rush of fear and excitement that caused my skin to electrify as I imagined him in the woods behind me, searching. The stalker.

The sound of the tide drew me out to the rocks where I debated heading for the water. He wouldn't think to look there, would he? Maybe under the pier? I'd have quite a bit further to run for that. I looked behind me, then looked ahead of me and saw no one. Too bad the beach is deserted, I thought. Hiding in a crowd might be fun—and more effective—under these circumstances.

I sniffed the air, wondering if my heightened senses might clue me in to his approach, but could smell nothing but the salt of the sea. I ducked just back from the beach, in behind the tree line again. Hearing no foot fall approaching, seeing no one on the trail, in the woods, or near the rocks, I paused. I pulled a shoe off to shake a pebble from it, and then felt the unmistakable touch of cold skin pressed to my lips as Edward's hand clasped over my mouth, muffling my shriek of surprise. His arm hooked around my waist and he dragged me backwards, away from the trail, into the woods, a most willing victim of his predatory skill.

My heart pounded as he lifted me off my feet, a piston churning blood forcefully through me, surging with adrenaline and desire, creating an intense euphoric lift. I couldn't stop myself from laughing into his hand, which he kept clamped securely over my mouth.

"Shhh," he said.

"Oh my God that was hot," I said when he let me speak. It was all I could say before his mouth crushed mine in a kiss of triumph, forceful, full of need as he held me still with one hand on the back of my neck, the other tightly around my waist. He exhaled over me and I inhaled him like thick smoke, heady cool breaths that tasted of sweet mint and cold stars. Perhaps it was some trick to subdue me, but I was then so overcome with desire I could no longer form words—could no longer form thoughts. I spoke to him only in the movement of my hands over his chest as I pulled his shirt away from his shoulders. I spoke to him with the heat of my skin against his, betraying my intense need of him as I savored the touch of his wandering hand.

Quickly his hands sought the bareness of my legs, then traveled up over my naked ass and he pulled me down, down to the ground, pushed my knees apart and pulled me onto him so that I straddled him as he knelt, the skirt of my dress draped over us. His cold thumbs pressed into my thighs, spreading me over him, then inched their way up, sliding along my center. I stifled the involuntary moans that tried to escape my lips with my own hands as I felt him trace me there with his fingers, parting me and then, and then, the tip of him resting against me. I gripped his head in my hands and looked into his deep, red eyes and plunged myself down onto him in one quick, hot thrust and gasped as I felt him hit.

He closed his eyes and paused, drew in a sharp breath, and then gripped my hips with his hands and began to rock into me, slow and gentle at first. I shuddered, undone by his steady movement as he stroked into me, now more deeply, and now less gentle. It was all I could do not to cry out in pleasure, scare off the wildlife and any random hikers that might wander on the trail so close to where I hoped we were hidden behind the trees. I leaned forward into him, wrapped my arms around his neck, and bit his shoulder to keep myself from making noise that might draw attention from any stragglers in the park, but his skin was impenetrable. I bit down harder, trying to make at least some mark on him, some evidence that I had been there. Just as I thought I might have felt a slight give, he buried one hand in my hair and pulled, snapping my head back, exposing the length of my neck.

"What are you made of? Iron?" I asked, but he gave no answer, and instead ran a trail of urgent kisses down my neck, electric but still cold against my burning skin. Then he began to fuck me harder as his lips reached that place he'd bitten me the night before. As I felt his mouth make contact with my scar and remembered how the taste of my blood had pleasured him, I came, shaking violently as I throbbed over him. My shoulders heaved, my head tipped further as my back curved and he moved his mouth down to my chest, pulled my dress to the side, exposing me even more as he caught my breast with his lips and tongued the rigid peak of my nipple.

I clenched around him tighter and then couldn't stop myself from moaning louder. His hand covered my mouth again and held it closed as he pushed me to the ground and began to fuck me even harder as I lay on my back beneath him. I opened my eyes and saw the view of the trees towering over, the brush around us, barely hiding us from the path down by the water. I kissed his hand as he held it pressed against my mouth, then he slid his fingers over my tongue and I sucked on them, tasting myself there as he thrust into me harder, pushing my knees back, tenderizing the core of me with his cresting desire. Again and again and again he lay into me, pushing me to the cliff. I could be happy evermore just to lay beneath him and take him like this. I didn't need to eat, I didn't need to sleep or breathe or even to speak again. I just needed him to fuck me. Just like this.

My body temperature began to rise, my heart pumping so audibly that the sound of my pulse threatened to drown out the wash of the relentless tide so many yards to the north. I was tightening like a spring dangerously loaded with too much tension when he said, "Now."

The sound of his voice forming that one simple word shattered me, fragments of myself arcing up over the forest floor as I came hard under him and then I felt him explode inside of me as the strong pulsing of my body worked him over. He shuddered once in my arms, let some of that strength be channeled elsewhere besides his unwavering commitment to self control. And as I felt him let go and then collapse on top of me, I thought to myself he is now really, finally mine.

As we lay together in that quiet pause, I stroked his hair, cherished the feel of his head nestled in the crook of my neck, comfortably spent, still and un-breathing.

"I'm not going back to Forks," I said.

He kissed me then, soft and gentle and I felt him stir within me. And then he kissed me again, a little harder, and then a little harder as I kissed him in return, full of emotion.

"I know you're not," he said, smiling down at me, casually twisting a strand of my hair between his forefinger and thumb.

"Oh is that so?" I said, mildly indignant. "What makes you so sure?"

"I caught you," he said, grinning. "You're mine now. You'll have to do as you're told." He ran his lips down the side of my neck to my shoulder.

The sharp intake of my breath, combined with the clamping down of my body around him at those words told us both that his little teasing of me in this matter had some unpredicted consequence for my heart. He brought his lips to mine again, but then hesitated and looked at me, his face softening from the previously playful expression to something else. I started to breathe quickly, nervously as he studied me, unsure of what to make of my feelings.

Then he gently withdrew from me, arranged the skirt of my dress, put himself back together and pulled me into his arms, cradling me as we sat on the ground. "There's a lot we still have to learn about each other," he said, his voice tender and reassuring. "I feel like I've known you for decades, so sometimes I forget you don't always know what's in my heart."

"I know that you love me," I said, now relaxing in his arms.

"That I do," he said. "You, Bella, are always what's first in my heart."

#

We returned to the path to look for my shoe, the one I'd been holding when he captured me. He carried me on his back and I rode him happily, like a child at play. I draped my arms around him, lay my head lazily over his shoulder, a bit worn but contentedly so.

"You must be hungry," he said. "It's getting late."

"Are you hungry?" I asked. "Or thirsty, I guess?"

"I won't need to hunt for a couple of weeks."

"That's convenient, not having to worry about eating for two weeks."

"Ha," he said. "Now that's a word I wouldn't have thought of. We'll stop and get you dinner on the way to the marina. We need to provision the boat, too. I haven't had time to stock her for you."

And so we went about the preparations for our evening, for our ultimate departure away from this world and all of its truths that I sometimes knew, sometimes loved, sometimes didn't. We almost felt like a normal couple making vacation plans, and not a vampire and his human love who had just had carnal knowledge of each other in a public park while on the run from wolves, on their way to rendezvous with his fantastic vampire family, planning their escape from whatever doom awaited them back in a sleepy town.

"There it is," I said, pointing to the scuffed ballet flat lying sole up on the side of the path.

"Good eye," he said.

#

When we arrived at the marina where Reckoner gently bobbed in her slip, I had the distinct feeling she was happy to see us. Or happy to see Edward, anyway, and I knew exactly how she felt. This time, though, she would have to share him with me, wherever she might bear us away.

It was dark as he climbed aboard but it didn't hinder him. Still he lit the cockpit lights and a soft glow emanated from small orbs around the lower decking, beautiful against the dark shadows of the sky, a small nod to the expanse of moon rising above. I handed him packages, mostly food and water for me, enough to last quite some time though we'd have to stop regularly for him to hunt. He helped me climb aboard and we went into the cabin to stow the supplies. When I reached the galley, I paused to remember our first kiss there and felt a strange pang of sadness for that lost Bella, the one whose heart had known the truth all along if only she'd been willing to listen.

Edward put his arms around me and sighed happily, resting his lips on the top of my head.

"Are you going to turn me?" I asked. He paused then, unmoving, and when I say unmoving, this was vampire stillness. He didn't breathe or blink or grit his teeth. There was no heartbeat to detect with my ear to his breast. Not the reaction I'd hoped for. "Please?"

"We'll talk about it," he said.

"We are talking about it. I thought Rosalie said you had to turn me if you were going to keep me." I laughed at how absurd that sounded. "It's like she thinks I'm a lost dog you picked up from the side of the road."

"Don't worry about Rosalie. She's just very bitter." He stowed a five gallon jug of water under a starboard bench. "Actually, maybe you should talk to her about becoming a vampire. She may change your mind."

"Why do you say that?"

"She hates being one."

"Why?"

"Because she can't have children," Edward said pointedly, his voice showing a little more strain than usual, hinting at some history there I'd begun to suspect but had no opportunity yet to explore. "And that's just one thing you'd have to forfeit if you were to become one of us."

"But I'd be immortal like you, right?" I asked.

"Sweetheart," he said, his voice soft, now comprehending my motivation. He kissed me on my brow and took my hands in his. "You have plenty of time before you have to worry about that, and there's a lot you need to learn first."

"I don't want to die and leave you." I hadn't expected tears just then, but there they were, threatening to spill over. I blinked and felt them roll down my face. Edward pulled me close and smoothed my hair.

"We'll talk about it. There's time."

#

We began to prepare the boat for launch, first pulling the sails out of the cabin. He climbed up on deck and began unpacking them from their bags. I kicked off my shoes and climbed up and sat next to him and helped him attach the sails to the lines. He smiled as he watched me work.

"It's all coming back to you, right?"

"I remember more about boats than I thought I would," I said. "Where are we going first?"

"I'm thinking San Juan Island," he said. "I promised I'd take you there this summer, remember?"

"I do," I said. "And your family is coming with us?"

"I hope not. If Carlisle's call to Billy Black went well I'd say we'll just have them on board a few hours while we talk. Let's hope that's the case, anyway—you really don't want to be trapped on a boat with Rosalie for longer than that."

"Hey you crazy kids," Emmett's voice called out from the dock.

Edward got up and helped me to my feet. Rosalie stood next to Emmett, her arms crossed, her face reflecting the anger she was containing, not very well. Of course she'd be angry, I thought. She doesn't like being a vampire, and there I was, a human hanging out with vampires and causing a bit of a headache as well.

"Look, I'm sorry," I began to say to her, but she turned her head away from me rudely. Yet I felt surprisingly relaxed in the face of her snub, and then saw Jasper on the dock, hauling my newly procured trunk. Alice was in high spirits after emptying out the local mall, and Rosalie gave her a smile. "You're in a good mood," she said.

"Shopping always puts me in a good mood," Alice said. "We need to plan a trip to Paris before fall."

"Where's Mercy?" I asked, realizing she was missing. "Isn't she coming with us?"

"She went back to Seattle this morning," Alice said. "She has some rehearsing to do and then she's hitting the road again."

"It's too bad, too," Jasper said. "It would have been nice to have a little entertainment."

"Yeah, I was hoping that this could be a family meeting slash engagement party," Alice said, nudging me, causing me to wince.

"She turned me down," Edward said, raising his eyebrows playfully. "Smart girl," he said as he grazed my cheek with a casual kiss on his way to loosen a line from a cleat.

All of the vampires stopped then to look at me, different variations of surprise worn on their faces. Apparently they all knew that Edward had asked me to marry him, and it seemed they all assumed they knew the outcome of that proposal, too. The only one nonplussed by the turn of events appeared to be Edward, who was no help at all as he casually stowed loose lines and went about the tasks needed to set sail.

"What?" Alice said, surprised. "Are you kidding me? But… I saw him ask… no way did you say no."

"You saw what?" I blushed an even deeper red imagining what exactly Alice had seen, given the circumstances of his proposal.

"You said no to Edward? Really?" Rosalie said. "Awesome."

"Nobody says no to Edward," Emmett said. "I'm impressed."

"Well," I stalled. "I didn't exactly say no, I just thought I might be dreaming or crazy at the time when he asked… and, so… anyway…" My voice trailed off.

"I can't believe you said no," Alice said, puzzled, shaking her head. "My vision has been so spotty lately. It's driving me crazy."

Just then, Carlisle and Esme walked down the dock. Carlisle looked preoccupied and even from that distance I could see how Esme squeezed his hand supportively. Edward's mood shifted dramatically at Carlisle's approach, so much so that even Jasper looked worried. Esme and Carlisle boarded, and Edward continued to wrestle lines and make preparations for sail.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, but he didn't answer.

"Take the helm so I can unhitch this last cleat from the dock," he said. "I want to get underway."

"You're letting her take Reckoner out of port?" Emmett said. "You must really be in love."

"She's the only one here who appreciates this boat properly."

Out on Sequim Bay I turned into the wind while Edward hoisted the sails. I fell off to north-by-northwest and we caught a delicious breeze as the sun began to disappear under horizon. Edward came and hooked up the auto pilot and we all sat around the cockpit.

"Billy Black has agreed to meet with us to see if a new treaty can be worked out," Carlisle said. "He and I both believe this is a misunderstanding between Edward, Jacob and Bella and as such, the spirit of the old treaty is still intact. But there's something we need to know first." Then he turned to me. "Bella, is it true that Jacob Black intends to marry you?"

"What?" Alice said, gaping at me. "Is that why you said no to Edward?"

"You said no to Edward?" Esme said, surprised. Edward looked down at the deck and then at me expectantly. It was one of those moments, rare as they were, when I wished he could just read my mind. I shook my head.

"I'm not marrying Jacob Black. That's crazy. Did he say that?"

"It sounded like you two had some sort of arrangement worked out," Carlisle said.

"We definitely did not."

"Jacob claims the two of you discussed this on Memorial Day," Carlisle said.

"Oh God," I said, recalling the world's most humiliating marriage proposal. Edward's face grew dark with anger, enough to send a chill through me. "First of all, I was drunk on Tequila. But yes, he told me if I was still single in three years, he'd marry me—it was pathetic." Rosalie laughed.

"Well, apparently there's some misunderstanding," Carlisle said.

"Did you expressly refuse him?" Edward asked.

"I don't remember my exact words," I said, my heart speeding up as I tried to recall the conversation. "I told him I didn't want to marry him."

"Bella, saying you don't want to isn't the same as saying you won't do it. Especially if you then turn around and let him bed you," Edward said between gritted teeth to my deep, deep embarrassment. I glared at him.

"Wow," Rosalie said. "This just gets better and better."

"You have no right to be angry about that," I snapped at him. I didn't care that we were in front of his family. "You told me to find someone else." Jasper came and lay a hand lightly on my shoulder, pointing his gaze over to Edward. Despite myself, my anger began to fade.

"He thinks he's marrying you now," Edward said. "Right, Carlisle?"

"No, he can't think that," I said.

"Jacob is claiming that you are his intended mate, Bella," Carlisle said.

"That's insane," I said. "Just yesterday afternoon he himself said he didn't want any kind of formality to our relationship. Now he thinks I'm the future mother of his children?"

"He believes Edward has seduced you away from him, against your own will. Billy Black and the council elders want a new treaty, but Jacob is the alpha and he can drive the pack to do what he wants. He says he'll only support a new treaty if it can be demonstrated that you haven't been enchanted—that she's chosen you, Edward, of her free own will."

"I have chosen Edward of my own free will," I said, looking directly at Edward. The flat line of his mouth softened then as his eyes met mine. "Don't ever doubt that."

"You have to go back to Forks to see Jacob," Carlisle said. "He wants to speak to you alone, without Edward present."

"No," Edward said. "Absolutely not. He'll take her, and I will come for her and then it will be war."

"She has to go," Carlisle said, leveling a look at Edward. "I've given my word."

For certain I expected some kind of protest from Edward, but none was forthcoming. I saw the determined, yet resigned look on his face but I didn't understand it. I knew Carlisle was in the "father" role of the Cullens, but had no idea how he managed to wield the kind of influence he had.

"I've told you my position," Edward said. "If Jacob Black takes her, I'll go after her."

"I know," Carlisle said. "And we'll go with you."

"I'm not risking my life for her, I'm sorry," Rosalie said. "What is she to me?"

"She's part of us now, Rosalie," Carlisle said. "She is with Edward and that makes her family. We look out for our family."

"Risk your life? I thought you were immortal," I said.

"Haven't you ever watched any television? Seen any movies?" Rosalie said. "Werewolves can kill us."

"Only if they outnumber us," Edward said.

"They do outnumber us," Rosalie said. "And that's not even counting the bears."

"The bears can kill you too?"

"Only if we're outnumbered," Edward repeated.

"Did Billy say anything about the bears, Carlisle?" I asked. "Why are they being so aggressive now?"

"I didn't ask," he said. "Things are tense enough with the Quileute, and I don't want to raise any suspicions that the bears are somehow reacting to our presence in the area, but I suspect that might be the case. If we create a new treaty with the Quileute, then hopefully we can find a way to communicate peaceful intentions to the Ani Tsa gu hi."

"But we've killed two of them," Edward said. "I don't know if that's realistic."

"We can try," Carlisle said. "That's all we can do."

"Alice, can you see anything about how it will work out with them?" Edward asked.

"No," she said, shaking her head and then holding it in her hands. "I feel so blind right now. It's terrible."

"Relax," Jasper said, rubbing her shoulder. "It will come to you more easily if you don't stress over it." Then he pulled her into his arms and held her gently.

"Well I'm going to straighten this out with Jacob," I said. "My family has been close with the Blacks for generations—they're like family to me. You'll be able to draw up a new treaty and then Edward and I can just leave. I don't want any of you risking your lives. It's not necessary."

"You're overconfident," Edward said. "You don't know what's in Jacob's head."

"I know what's in his heart," I said. "This is Jacob Black we're talking about. He's been my friend since kindergarten. And there's one other thing you're not realizing here."

"What?" Edward said, his brow wrinkled in stress and frustration.

"Jacob is afraid of Charlie," I said. "He'll never pull anything if Charlie's around."

"How will you talk to Jacob with your father around?" Emmett asked.

"We can meet at graduation," I said. "I promised the kids I would go and it's public, so there's a lot less risk of a big confrontation. There will be so much chaos after the ceremony it'll be easy to talk while Charlie is distracted. Jake and Billy and the Quileute elders can go under the pretense of seeing the Thoreau Club kids graduate—they all know them."

"It's done then," Carlisle said. "We'll meet them on Saturday at the graduation ceremony. Edward you'll have to stay out of sight, of course. Everyone thinks you're in Alaska."

"Getting your head shrunk," Rosalie said. Emmett and Jasper laughed and Edward finally cracked a small smile.

"So I'll finally get to graduate high school after all!" Alice clapped her hands. "I've never graduated before. Can we throw a party?"

"A small family party," Esme said. "Sure, why not?"

"Assuming we're not at war with the Quileute," Edward said.

"We won't be," I said. "I promise."


	25. Chapter 25

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

Concerning Vampires

Some say that in the beginning, mania is a lot like being high on E, and by E I mean Ecstasy, not Edward, though I suppose I could have considered myself high on Edward in more ways than one. It wasn't a bad high at all, but it was an intense one. As we cruised into the heart of Sequim bay the world amplified, experience opened to me like petals on a blossoming flower. I surfed swells of euphoria and withstood surges of frantic energy, heavy electrical pulses in my brain. I inhaled sweet dark breezes off the water scented with promise, lifting us into the dark night sky. It was all possible now. I was in love with a vampire. I was in love with a vampire. I was in love. With a vampire. A fucking vampire.

"How would I know if I was getting too high?" I asked Edward, blurted it out, completely random, mid some conversation I couldn't follow about Carlisle's call to Billy Black about the graduation meeting with the Quileute.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"The sky is too bright," I said. "You're all too loud and the sea is too deep. I can hear it breathing. Everything I thought wasn't real is now real. Ghosts and pixies and fairies and pegasus must exist too, right? Is there life after death? What about zombies?"

"Zombies?" Emmett said. "Seriously?"

"I wonder if I can fly."

"You can't," Edward said. "Don't try."

"Are you sure?"

"This isn't a lucid dream," he said. "It's mania. Mania doesn't give you extra powers."

"What about your venom? Will that give me extra powers?"

"I'm not sure," Edward said, and then looked at Carlisle.

"Perhaps," Carlisle added. "We have to wait and see if the effects are permanent."

I got up and climbed onto the deck, scrambling, still barefoot, feeling more surefooted than I probably was. I grabbed onto the mast and leaned back, feeling the wind chase my hair into the sky. Everything felt good. I buzzed from the base of my spine through the top of my head.

"Take the helm, Emmett," Edward said and followed me as I skipped to the bowsprit, where I then lay on my belly, hanging my head low, over the edge so I could feel the water spraying my face. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"I sort of want to fight someone," I said.

"She is high," Emmett said.

"I heard that," I said. "My hearing is getting better."

"I'll fight you," Rosalie said, from back in the cockpit. "Come take a swing at me."

"Don't even think about touching her," Edward said.

I turned onto my back and looked up at the moon. I had to shield my eyes with my hands it was so bright. "Does turning into a vampire feel like this?"

"Not quite" he said.

"Well, coming out of the transition does, sort of," Jasper said, climbing towards us. He and Alice sat next to Edward and studied me. "Nothing feels real when you first come out of it. It's like a permanent dream. And then the edges of reality are always a little fuzzy afterwards."

"All I remember is this," Alice sighed.

"What's the transition like?" I asked.

"Days of pure agonizing, death-wishing hell," Rosalie said bitterly, coming onto the deck and sitting tentatively next to Alice. "You will never experience a more painful thing in your life."

"I remember," I said, eyes wide, bolting upright. "I remember now."

"Remember what?" Edward said.

"Begging you to kill me," I said. "I remember the pain of your bite. Jesus, that was terrible. It's like that for everyone?"

"Yes but it goes on for days," Rosalie said. "And when it's over? You're this. Forever."

"That's what I want."

"No, you don't," she said.

"You're all stunningly beautiful," I said. I got up and walked, not carefully enough, back towards the cockpit. Edward caught me as I stumbled once towards the portside. "You have super strength, hearing, vision. You never age, and you're all immortal. It doesn't seem so bad to me."

"Yes, but we're monsters," Rosalie said, climbing back into the cockpit behind Alice.

"You've got to stop thinking of yourself like that, Rose," Esme said. "You work so hard to rise above it, and you are very successful. It's an important accomplishment. Can't you allow yourself to feel good about that?"

"It doesn't matter," she said. "We are frozen in time and we have no afterlife. All we can do is make more monsters and crave blood."

"That's not entirely true," Emmett said, putting his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. "We crave other things."

"I remember waking into this reality over three centuries ago," Carlisle said. "I was horrified, honestly. It felt very much like madness."

"Do you have a maker or someone like that?"

"No," he said. "I'd been left for dead. When I came through the transition I swore I would fight with everything I had against the desire to murder."

"He was the first of our kind to successfully resist it," Edward said. "He was the one who proved you could be a vampire and not be a killer."

"But we still are damned," Rosalie said. "We can't move on from this world."

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Everyone knows that," she said.

"I know everyone believes it," I said. "But are you absolutely sure? I mean, are there vampire ghosts that come back from the dead and tell you, hey, it sucks, try not to get yourself killed?"

"Vampire ghosts?" Alice said. "You are high."

"I feel high. Like, very high."

"You need to sleep before you get any higher," Edward said.

"I'm not sleepy."

"We can fix that," he said.

"What do you mean you can fix it? How?"

"You really have a lot to learn about vampires," Rosalie said, shaking her head at me like I was a naive child, and I suppose to them I was, being only thirty to their collected centuries of life, or rather, I guess you'd call it "undead" experience.

"I'm trying to learn," I said. "You've got to teach me."

"He can hypnotize you with a look," she said. "And once you're hypnotized, he can get you to do pretty much anything."

"So that's why Jake is all freaked out about me not being with you of my own will?" I asked Edward. "He thinks you hypnotized me? Like those guys who can make people act like a chicken in front of crowds of high school students and they don't remember it?"

"You're not that suggestible," Edward said.

"Have you hypnotized me?"

"Not recently," he said, looking a little uncomfortable.

"Oh sure you have," Rosalie said. "What about the Mercy Brown show?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked, curious. "I thought that was just the guitar playing."

"That's not recent. It's been a long time since I did anything like that to you."

"When else? The sail over spring break?" I said. "Did you use it to convince me to go?"

"Reckoner didn't need my help," he said. "That was all her."

"Well, you haven't needed any vampire tricks," I said. "I've wanted you ever since I first saw you."

Edward turned to Rosalie as if to snub her and for once she didn't give him the vicious bitch brow, she didn't scoff, she just gave a small smile back. I could tell despite her bitterness, she was very attached to her family, Edward included. Even I had begun to grow on her. And for certain she'd grown on me, as they all had, strange and beautiful undead creatures that they were. Maybe they were vampires, but I was already thinking of them as _my _vampires.

As we rode cresting white caps under the moon, I could feel the decades of time these beings had together in the ease of their conversation, the openness of their expressions. I imagined them wandering the landscape of this earth in search of some higher purpose they believed had been denied them all by circumstance. Sadness filled my heart at the thought of them stuck here on earth as it fell further and further into decay, without any chance of moving on, if indeed there was a world to move on to from this one, and that was something that they had no further proof of than I did.

I wished I could do something for them to show them how good I thought they were, how much I believed in them and their philosophy. How impressive it was to me that despite being created as predators they had consciously chosen to survive without human blood out of some sense of empathy with their former humanity. How unique, I assumed, this made them among vampires. How incredible it was that they could choose a different destiny for themselves. If all I could do for them was to love every single one of them for what—who—they were, then I would at least do that.

And then there was Edward, who was fast becoming my all-consuming reason for being awake and alive in the world. The more I allowed myself to experience the intense attachment I'd fought so long to keep at bay, the more I felt alive inside that sacred space that two people create when they are really, fully in love. I'd been born fully into that circle now with him. I didn't ever want to leave.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking at me intently as my thoughts raced.

"I love you," I said. "That's all."

"I love you too," he said.

"Then change me," I said.

"Bella." Edward gave me a warning look. "We've already discussed this."

"We didn't finish discussing it."

"You actually want to be a vampire—after all you know now?" Rosalie said.

"I want to be with Edward."

"You don't have to be a vampire for that," he said.

"I don't want to die and leave you. I'm serious."

"If she dies she'll move into the next world and you'll be stuck here for eternity without her. How can you not change her?" Alice asked. "If that's what she wants?"

Edward shook his head. "Who's side are you on?" he asked Alice.

"Bella's side," she said. "Obviously."

"Thank you Alice," I said. "Maybe you can change me if he won't."

"Sure, I'll do it," she said. "Just let me know when."

"Oh, all right, fine then," he said, exasperated, "if you're all going to be so insistent about it." Edward pulled me into his arms and put me into a dramatic dip. "Are you ready right now, Bella?" he asked.

"Yes." I said, trembling. I squeezed my eyes shut as my heart began to pound. "Hurry. Before I lose my nerve."

"Okay, then," he said. "See you on the other side. Good luck."

He ran his hand through my hair and then caressed my neck. He kissed me on the forehead and then I winced as I felt his lips touch my neck. He paused and I heard Emmett and Jasper snicker. "Bella, open your eyes," Edward said.

I opened them and they all began to laugh.

"What?"

"How can you possibly commit to immortality with me when you're not even ready to commit to marriage?"

"Is that sadistic sense of humor something you picked up at the Vampire Academy?" I said.

"No, that's just him," Emmett said.

"Sorry," Edward said, trying to contain the smart ass smile on his face.

"It isn't funny. I was being serious."

"Well if we're being serious then know this. There is no way I'm turning you into a vampire if you're not marrying me."

"Okay, fine," I said. "Are you going to ask me again?"

"Right now?"

"I could ask you, you know," I said.

"I suppose that's true. I mean, this isn't the 1950s, right?"

"You'd hate that, wouldn't you?"

"Very much so."

"How long are you going to make me wait?"

"How long are you going to make the rest of us wait?" Alice asked. Rosalie poked an elbow into her side.

"I waited a long time to ask the first time," Edward said. "You've got to give me a little bit more than twenty-four hours to plan the do-over."

"Come on," Alice said. "You're such a perfectionist. It's a perfect time to ask. We're all here!"

"Alice, it's between Edward and Bella," Esme said. "Don't pressure him."

"I already know the answer this time, anyway," Alice said, and Edward turned to give her a curious smile.

"You've seen it?" I asked.

"I can see it all over your face," she said. "That's more reliable than any vision I've ever had."

We headed back to the marina outside of Port Angeles, and as they took their leave I gave each vampire a hug, even Rosalie, and she gave me one of those quick pats on the back, but she didn't snarl or act otherwise repulsed. Emmett hugged me and lifted me off my feet. "You're a good sport," he said. "I like that in a human."

Alice squeezed me and chattered about Edward flying me to Paris with her and Rose for massive expenditures on clothing once all this nonsense with the Quileute was dealt with. I hugged Jasper too, and he reeled, just a little from it, but it didn't stop him from giving me a small hug back.

"Have fun you two," he said. "See you Saturday."

"We are very, very glad Edward found you, dear Bella," Carlisle said as he held me close, and then he grazed my cheek with a light kiss as he took his leave. Esme kissed me on the cheek as well, like a future mother-in-law might, giving me a most satisfied smile.

"Welcome to our family," she said.

And then once they were off the boat, they just disappeared into the night, like June bugs that stopped flitting and faded into the stars.

"Are we staying here tonight?" I asked him when they were all gone.

He didn't answer me. Instead he just looked at me in that peculiar way of his, and then I could remember the few other times he'd given me quite that look. It was the look that quieted my mind, stilled my heart, reached deep inside of me and touched something I didn't even know was there. Just as I was about to close my eyes, he smiled and caught me in his arms. "How did you do that?" I asked, yawning.

"Vampire skills," he said. Then he helped me down to the stateroom and lay me in the berth. "Sleep now. I've got a lot planned for you for the next couple of days."

"How much of it involves you being naked?" I said sleepily and he laughed.

The last thing I felt was the cold, reassuring touch of his goodnight kiss on my lips.

#

When I woke up and realized I was still safely cradled in Reckoner's stateroom, I burst into tears, just for a moment. I was still with Edward. I was inside his ship, inside his heart. It was the best dream I'd ever had and it wasn't ending, which made it better than any dream could ever be. I couldn't wait to see him.

I climbed up the companionway to the cockpit and saw the moon, as huge as the sky itself, hovering what felt like inches from the tip of the mast, now naked with its sails tied up along the beam. We were at anchor. But Edward wasn't on the deck, and he wasn't in the cockpit. He wasn't down in the cabin, either. The dinghy was still floating behind us, so he wasn't on shore. A quick scan of the nearby landfall confirmed that as well. I looked out towards the water, towards the moon, and then I saw him many yards off. Swimming. Under the moon.

"Hey sailor!" I called to him. He turned his head towards me and waved and began to swim to where Reckoner and I waited. Just like Lake Crescent, I thought. Only a thousand times better because this time I wouldn't just peek. I'd gawk.

"You're awake," Edward said as he came near the boat and treaded water.

"It's still dark. I guess I didn't sleep very long."

"It's Thursday night—you've been out for nearly twenty hours," he said.

"No! Really?

"Yes, really. You sleep like a champ."

"I can't believe you let me miss a whole day of sailing with you," I said. "Why didn't you wake me up this morning?"

"You needed the rest. How do you feel?"

I instinctively checked my pulse.

"You're fine," he said. "A nice, steady 70 beats a minute."

"How do you know?"

"I can hear it," he said. "It's my favorite sound in the world."

"Where are we?"

"Shaw Island," he said. "In the San Juans"

"How's the water?"

"Great," he said. "If you have no pulse."

"I'm coming in," I said, stripping my nightgown off.

"It's too cold for you," he said. "I'll be right out—don't move."

I stood naked in the cool air, waiting, feeling his eyes wander over me as my skin reflected the soft rays of the moon.

"It feels like this moon has been full for a month," I said. "Did you enchant it so it would stay and light our nights?"

"Maybe," he said, watching me.

"I thought you were coming out?" I said.

"In a minute," he said. "Turn around."

"No way. I get to peek this time."

"I want to look at your ass."

I laughed and turned a little to the side, looking over my shoulder, watching him inspect me. Then I heard him practically fly out of the water, but I leapt out of his reach to the bowsprit.

"Impressive," he said as he stalked up the deck towards me, naked and dripping cold water onto the wooden boat. I stood there, arms crossed, tapping my foot pretending to be impatient as I watched him. As his hand reached for my waist, I tossed myself right off the side of the boat and dove headlong into the frigid depths of the cove.

It was fucking cold. So cold I was afraid my heart might stop.

"Holy shit!" I heard him say when I popped my head out of the water. "Bella? What the hell are you doing?"

"Swimming," I said. "It's cold as hell."

"I told you," he said. "You'll get hypothermia. Get out of there."

"I'll come out in a minute." I began to stroke, plunging my hands into the water and propelling myself towards the moon. Several lengths out I turned to the boat and looked at him, full length, naked, glittering in the moonlight, drops of water reflecting soft light from him like small prisms. His hair was tousled, twisted strands glistening all over his head. The broad expanse of his shoulders were slightly flexed as he rested his hands on his hips. He stood looking some cross between perplexed, annoyed and wondering. My eyes wandered down his torso and despite the fifty degree water I tread, I felt myself getting warm as I lowered my gaze to his legs, and that part of him that hung comfortably there, very there. I tried not to blush as he smiled at me gawking at him. "Turn around," I said.

Without warning he dove in after me. I tried to swim away from him but he caught me quickly, with little contest. "This brave new you is really making me work," he said as he pulled me to him and swam us both towards the boat. I couldn't stop smiling as I felt his arms strong around me, pulling me along as I lay on my back, my head on his shoulder, my feet trailing lazily in our wake.

"I'm supposed to swim every day," I said. "Doctor's orders."

"Not in fifty degree water," he said. "I'll have to work you out some other way."

"Swimming is low impact," I said.

"Since when are you a fan of low impact anything?"

"I'm not," I said. "As you know."

"Up the ladder, Swan," he said as we reached the stern of the boat. I clambered up, into the cockpit and squeezed the excess water out of my hair. He tossed me a towel and we both dried off. Then he went down into the cabin and brought back a wool blanket and wrapped it around me and put his jeans on.

"I don't see why you're bothering with those," I said.

"Watch it or I'll lock all your clothes up and make you stay naked until Saturday."

"You say that like I'd care," I said.

"God, I love you more and more every minute." He sat down and kissed me on the nose. "Are you hungry?"

"Starving," I said. "Completely famished."

Edward could cook, as it turned out, another reason I was now determined to marry him. So I threw on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans as he prepared me a simple meal of bread, grilled salmon and greens and I ate every morsel as though it might be my last meal. I was always hoping now that each meal would be my last, that there would be some moment of weakness and I'd convince him to turn me. So I enjoyed the meal for its simplicity and its sustenance and its representation of all those human things I would most certainly miss once my time came to shed them for eternity.

I was cleaning up the galley as he sat at the chart table, plotting a course around the San Juans, marking the places he wanted to show me along the way. I looked at him now, thought of him not as some forbidden object of my affection, as he had been just over a month ago when we were in these very places doing these same tasks, but as my future husband.

"I want to know everything about you," I said. "I want to know the names of every person in your biological family—cousins, aunts and uncles too. I want to know your grades from kindergarten on. I want to know the name of every girl you ever kissed, and what you hoped for your future when you were really seventeen. Tell me everything."

"Well, that is a lot," he said, looking up from the chart table and smiling at me. "It may take awhile."

"I'm not going anywhere. And I want full details."

He laughed and then came over to where I stood and lead me by the hand into the stateroom. He lay on the berth, then propped himself with some pillows. I climbed up next to him and lay down, settling in for a good, long tale.

"I was born Edward Anthony Masen Jr. on June 20th, 1901 in Chicago," he began. "My mother's name was Elizabeth and my father, Edward Sr., was a lawyer…"

#

And so Edward told me the details of his short human life. He had no biological siblings and had been extremely close with his mother as a child. They were a fairly typical upper middle class family living in the suburbs of Chicago in the early 1900s. And yes, she did have a closet full of dresses just like the one I'd worn at prom, and no, I didn't look like his mother. She'd been a blonde, but apparently she had a flair for humor and I had a feeling I would have liked her very much if I'd ever been able to make her acquaintance.

Edward had dreamed of becoming a doctor, but when World War I started, he wanted to fight for his country and so decided to become a soldier. That didn't surprise me at all. When the first wave of Spanish Influenza hit, his father died and he put his plans to enlist on hold so he could take care of his mother. Then the second wave of the flu hit, taking both him and his mother with it. Carlisle had been the attending doctor at the hospital where Edward and Elizabeth lay dying. Edward's mother had implored Carlisle to save him, to do everything within his power to see that he lived. Carlisle snuck Edward from the hospital back to his home and transformed him and adopted him as his own son. Edward had been his first conversion.

Next to the Cullen family came Esme. Carlisle fell in love with her as she lay dying in his Emergency Room after she'd attempted suicide after the death of her only child. He transformed her and they became mates.

And next they found Rosalie.

"That's a whole other story," he said.

"I want to know," I said. "Everything."

"It's horrible," he said. "Rosalie was brutally assaulted by her fiance and his friends and then left for dead in the road." His eyes flashed with rage as he spoke. "Carlisle came along and smelled all the blood and found her, dying. He tried to save her life but he was too late. He couldn't bear to let her die that way, so he brought her home to us."

"Oh no," I said. "No wonder she's so… "

"Mean?" Edward said with a small laugh. "You should probably know, Carlisle transformed her hoping that she would become my mate."

"Really? You two were…"

"No, never."

"I thought she and Emmett… "

"Yes, they're married," he said. "They've been together since 1935. Rosalie and I never tried to be more than siblings, and even that has been a stretch," he said.

"Why didn't it work out between you and her?"

"We're completely incompatible," he said. "She resents me because she believes the only reason Carlisle turned her was for me. Before she met Emmett, she swore she would have rather died."

"How terrible," I said.

"We've learned to deal with each other," he said. "Some days are better than others."

"Did you ever have a mate of your own, then?" I asked, hoping he'd say no, knowing that was a stupid hope to have.

"No," he said, smirking a little.

"What about Mercy?" I asked. "You've been with her, I know."

"Yes, okay, we've been together," he said. "But it was never serious between us."

"Why not?" I started to feel my heart pound a little. How could he possibly prefer me over someone like Mercy Brown? "I know it's not because she doesn't sail."

"I could never commit to a relationship with her. She's known that since I've known her."

"You don't strike me as the 'can't make a commitment' type."

"I'm not."

"So what was the problem?" I asked. "She's smart, beautiful, talented. She's already a vampire so you don't have to worry about her ever getting hurt or sick or dying. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to be with her."

Edward stopped, a curious smile on his face. A new softness fell around his eyes. He put his hands to my face and pulled me to him and then kissed me softly on the lips.

"Edward?"

"I couldn't commit to anyone else because I knew you were coming," he said.

His words blew the cloud cover of my rationalizations, expectations, and summations about what had been happening to me away, not just in the last few days of knowing he was a vampire, not just in the last several months of knowing him, but all of it. Every step I'd taken upon this earth had been leading me right here.

"For how long?" I asked, my eyes tearing up.

"Fifty-two very long years." He brushed a tear from the corner of my eye and then kissed me there. "Alice had a vision of us."

"How could that be?"

"I swear I don't know. I've never seen anything like it, and neither has Alice," he said. "At first I looked all over for you. After a few years went by, I thought maybe it wasn't a vision, but a projection of some sort. I tried to give up on it, but then Alice would have the vision again."

"That's incredible," I said.

"You have no idea how crazy it made me, searching for you. I felt like I'd fallen in love with a hallucination. And I could see this vision of hers in vivid detail, which isn't how it normally works at all. Usually I can just hear thoughts like someone is speaking. This? I could see the dress you were wearing, the way you'd fixed your hair, the sunset. I'd memorized every detail."

"What was the vision?"

"Our dance at prom." He took both my hands in his. "But for all those years I believed it was a vision of us dancing at our wedding."

"Oh Edward," I said, burying my face into his neck. "Is that why you were so upset that night?"

"Yes," he said. "When I realized the vision was from a damned high school dance I realized that the future might not work out the way I'd planned."

"No wonder you were so pissed when I got engaged."

"You have no idea how many times Carlisle and Illeana had to talk me out of stalking Derek Banner. And then that dog Jacob Black, when I saw him the morning after he was with you, God help him."

#

And then I didn't want to hear him talk about Jacob, Derek, Mercy or anyone else. In fact, I didn't want to hear him talk at all right then, so I just kissed him with all of the intensity I felt in my heart. He returned my kiss and placed his hand on top of my pounding heart. Then he pushed me gently down to the berth and stripped me naked in seconds. He studied me in such a way that made me feel more than naked, if that was possible, his eyes lingering like I was a prized painting… or maybe a banquet. My heart rate accelerated, my skin tingled as he lightly traced the contours of my chin, my neck, my shoulder.

"Sometimes I still can't believe you're real," he said.

"I know the feeling."

Then he lovingly touched the shiny, bite-shaped scar on my neck, causing me to shiver, my nipples to harden and my desire to flow hot in my veins. His gentle touch to that spot on my body, the place where his essence, his venom, had both entered and exited me, reminded me that this part of me would always be irrevocably his. I squeezed my thighs together and felt the the dampness between my legs. Edward breathed deeply and then looked into my eyes.

"For fifty-two years I've been in love with a vision of you. Then when I finally have you in the flesh, it's all I can do to keep myself from devouring you completely."

"I want you to devour me," I said. His eyes flickered and he tightened his jaw, his mouth in a straight line, unexpressive. I swore then I could see that vampire part of him, imprisoned behind all that careful restraint. I wanted to release him. I wanted to engage. "What if you just devour part of me?" I sat up and faced him, kissing him lightly, slipping my hot, needy tongue into his mouth.

"Now, that sounds pretty good," he said. "Which part should I start with?" He ran his hand down my belly and then down between my legs as ran his lips along my jawline to my ear. Then he took my ear between his teeth and slipped his tongue around my earlobe. "Should I start here?"

He kissed me on the lips again and I ran my tongue across his lips playfully. He caught it between his teeth and held it there delicately. Those teeth, I thought. Those teeth with such power to strip me of my mortal self. I ran my tongue along the underside of his teeth and he sucked on it lightly, pulling me into his lap.

And then I did something very, very bad.

As he began to lose himself inside of that kiss, pressing his lips more intently to mine, I nipped my tongue and felt a slight sting. Then I tasted blood. I pushed my tongue back into his mouth and Edward gasped, surprised. He groaned, greedy as he pushed me back down to the berth and held my head in his hand, holding me still as he sucked the blood off my tongue and then through my tongue.

I started to climax under him, first gentle waves that rippled from the tips of my toes, to my fingerprints to the ends of my hair and they began to build, stronger now, stronger again as he drew more blood from me, and then I saw her again, just like two nights before, the white bear floated on the ceiling of the cabin. I cried out, rapturous, fading into light particles as I felt my blood flow into Edward's mouth. I shuddered beneath him as my orgasm peaked and then peaked higher.

Edward groaned again, this time as though he was in pain and then he released my tongue, ran his own over it and I felt the sharp burn of his venom sealing the cut, but not coursing through me. He gripped my shoulders and pried himself off of me, practically heaving with the exertion it cost him. He leapt from the bed and stood on the other side of the room, glowering.

"Come back," I said, sitting up.

"Never, ever do that again," he said, shaking with anger, his eyes blood red and glowing. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to stop myself? I could have killed you just now."

"You're not going to kill me."

"Jesus Christ, Bella. You don't understand what you've done here." Edward turned and stormed out of the stateroom, out of the cabin and up onto the deck.

Give him a few minutes, I thought to myself. Let him calm down.

My own heart pounded, exhilarated. I sat and took deep breaths until I felt calmer, and then pulled on a t-shirt and jeans and crept up to the deck.

He was standing at the bowsprit, staring out at the water. I knew he heard me but he didn't turn to look.

"I'm so angry with you right now I don't even know what to do. I can't even think," he said.

"I'm sorry."

"I have to be able to trust you not to do things like that to me."

"I know," I sighed and then sat down on the deck, hung my legs down over the side. "I don't even know why I did it."

"I do," he said.

"You do?"

"Yeah," he said. "It turns you on."

I blushed then because it was true. "That's really fucked up, right?"

"It's really dangerous, and you're not just putting yourself in danger here. The last thing I want is to become a predator again."

"Let me make it up to you," I said.

"Oh, you will," he said. "But I'm too pissed off at you right now."

"Okay," I said. "But can I just say something?"

"No."

"Come on. You're overreacting."

"Bella, this is your life we're talking about, okay? There is no overreacting to your life in danger. None."

"My life was never in danger."

"That just isn't true. I am really a vampire, I really can kill you by draining you of your blood."

"I wanted to please you."

"You most definitely did not please me. That's like giving an alcoholic a coveted rare vintage and only letting him stick his nose in the glass."

"I'm sorry. When you put it like that…"

"Sorry isn't good enough. How the hell am I supposed to trust you?"

"I don't know," I said. "You just are."

"We're going to have to have some rules," he said.

"Okay, fine, if it will make you more comfortable."

"From now on, when it comes to sex you do what I tell you to do, when I tell you to do it. You don't approach me, you don't touch me. You wait for me to tell you it's okay."

"No, I hate that."

"Too bad. For now that's how it has to be."

"Why?"

"Because I have to trust you won't pull some crazy stunt like shoving your bloody tongue in my mouth."

"What if I refuse to do something you tell me to do?"

"You won't."

"Wait a minute," I said. "Are you going to use vampire tricks on me?"

"Please, Bella. I don't need to use vampire tricks on you for that."

There was still much I had to learn about vampires. First of all, being above humans on the food chain, they can be quite condescending. Edward's vampire confidence was definitely part of what made him hot but it could also annoy the shit out of me. Like now, when in the heat of his anger, he was punishing me by not allowing me near him without permission.

"Now get yourself down to the stateroom and change into something that shows you off a little and then wait for me on the berth."

"Are you serious?"

"Quite."

It was my moment of truth. I'd like to say I was oppositional, difficult, argumentative. I'd like to say I was assertive at least, or that I questioned his new rules beyond the discussion we just had. There was a very insistent part of my mind that said "Don't take that shit." But sadly, it lost out to the part of my mind that said, "Oh my God, he's going to fuck me. Yay!"

So then I quickly found myself down in the stateroom, digging into my trunk, hoping Alice had dropped some coin on lingerie and I was not disappointed to see there was quite a decent selection available. I suppose she'd anticipated the likelihood of a honeymoon in the near future, and despite the current little mess I was embroiled in with my love, the thought still made me smile.

I opted for a sheer black negligee and a black lace tanga and nothing else. Then I lay on the berth and waited, waited, waited and waited. But heard nothing. No movement from above at all. I considered poking my head out of the door, going up to the deck to see what he was doing, but then thought better of it.

And so I waited some more. I don't know if was fifteen minutes or three hours, but it felt like days he made me wait. The water lapped against Reckoner's hull. Moonlight shone through the portholes in the stateroom and I turned off the lights and thought maybe I'd just drift back to sleep, but I wasn't tired.

The longer I waited, the more guilt I felt for what I'd done to him. And the more I longed for him to come to me so I could do something to undo it, although I knew it wouldn't be possible.

I stared out the porthole, twisting the edge of my negligee in my fingers, considering what it really meant to be in love with a vampire. He was the predator. I was the prey. I'd seemed to have forgotten that basic fact, and I couldn't say I had any fear of him at all. I only had fear of losing him.

And then he was finally at the door.

"Hi," I said, feeling tentative.

"Get on your hands and knees," he said.

I hesitated only because I was so aroused by his command I felt stunned. Then I moved into position, my heart pounding so loudly I was sure to him it sounded like a beating kick drum was lodged in my chest. I was dripping between my legs as I heard him approach me, but I didn't turn to face him.

He walked around the berth, inspecting me. Then he lifted the edge of my negligee so it uncovered my ass.

"Edward, I'm… " I began to say.

"Shut up," he said. "Don't speak again until I give you permission."

Oh God! I thought. Why does that turn me on? Who knew? He ran his cold hand up the back of my thigh, onto my ass and held it there. Then he slid a finger into my panties and slipped it along me, just barely inside of me until I was panting.

"I should punish you for what you've done here tonight," he said. "You have no idea the danger you put yourself in. It must never, ever happen again." I began to tremble and I wanted to speak but still did not. "How well can you listen, Bella? That's what I need to know. You can speak now."

"Are you going to hit me?"

"Bella, if I hit you I'll break you," he said. "That's not what I want. I'm trying to keep you safe."

"What do you mean by 'punish me?'"

"I mean arouse you and then deny you, so you can feel just a taste of what you've done to me."

"I'm afraid."

"Good. You should be. You are far too confident of your new situation." My face burned hot with embarrassment and indignation. Then I felt tears in my eyes and watched as they began to fall onto the bed. He took a step away from me and crossed his arms and I lowered my head, turned my face away from him. "So we see where each other's limits are now, I guess."

"I'm not afraid of you, vampire," I said.

"Oh is that so? What are you afraid of then?"

"I'm afraid of losing you again."

He stepped back from me and exhaled, a heavy sigh. "Bella, sit down."

I sat on the edge of the bed and wiped the tears from my eyes. Edward knelt on the floor before me and took my hands in his.

"Listen to me and know this. No matter how angry you make me, you are never going to lose me. Not until I am utterly destroyed, my limbs ripped from my body and burned to bits could you ever lose me. Not in an eternity will anything take me from your side. The only way you'll lose me now is to send me away yourself."

"I want you to trust me again."

"Then you absolutely must abide me in this way as long as you are human. Can you agree to that?"

"Yes."

"No begging, taunting, pleading. No surprises. Otherwise, no sex. And you have no idea how long I can abstain if need be."

"That would be cruel and unusual," I said. "You wouldn't dare."

"Don't try me."

"I'm pretty sure you'd have a hard time with abstinence on this little boat after awhile."

"Bite yourself again and see what happens then. I'll make you ride in the dinghy."

"I don't know how to be submissive."

"Well, you certainly enjoy being told what to do." I blushed from head to toe. "You're just not very experienced with that sort of thing, I know."

"Do I need a safe word or something?"

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said. "I'd rather die than hurt any part of you. This arrangement is to keep me from hurting you and to keep you from tempting me to hurt you."

"But all I want is for you to relax and feel safe to be yourself with me."

"Well I definitely don't feel that way now. I'm sorry."

"Damn it. I am so, so sorry, Edward."

"Are you going to be okay doing things my way?"

"Yes, but I'm probably not going to be good at it."

"You'll do fine as long as you do as you're told. And if you don't, then no sex."

"That sucks," I said.

"That's the deal," he said. "And seriously, Bella? If you ever stick your bloody tongue in my mouth again, I will hogtie you down here and keep you like that until you forget your own name."

#

"Okay, okay."

"Lay down now."

I lay back on the berth and he lay beside me, on his side, propped up on an elbow and then he turned a lock of my hair between his fingers, something I noticed he did often now. This little gesture of affection usually made me smile, but tonight instead it made me pensive and sad, because I realized what had transpired between us. I had found Edward's weakness. No wonder he came back at me with such aggression. I felt awful, having trespassed in such an unkind way into territory that made him feel so unsure.

"I wish you could read my mind," I said.

"Let me try," he said and put his lips to my forehead. I closed my eyes and tried to just open my heart, broadcast my apology. I felt fresh tears roll down the side of my head, onto the blanket, and then felt his lips soothing the salty path between the corner of my eye and my ear. I didn't reach for him though, even when my heart desperately desired it. "I know you're sorry. It's okay. I'm sorry I got so angry with you."

"I broke your trust," I said.

"You found my limit, that's all," he said. "This is all very new to you still and there are things you need to learn. I don't mean to condescend, Bella. It's just the way it is."

"I know, I know," I said. "But I feel terrible."

"Well you have to stop feeling terrible now. I command it."

"You don't get to command anything other than sexual favors," I said. "Those are the rules."

"Okay, fine, then I command you cheer up so I can fuck you. How am I going to fuck you if you're guilt ridden and stressed out?"

I laughed.

"Make a wish."

"A wish?"

"Yeah, a wish. I'm feeling generous."

"I really wish you would propose to me again," I said.

"You're already getting that," he said, kissing me. "Wish for something else." I smiled as he turned me over to my belly and then pulled my hair away from my neck and kissed me right at the base of my skull. The touch of his lips there emptied my mind of every last bad feeling I had about what I'd done. I sighed happily as he pulled my negligee over my head and started kissing my back. Then he moved my knees apart and slid a hand along the inside of my thigh.

"Fine, then," I said. "I want a back rub. A very good back rub."

"Really? Is that all? I thought you might ask for a Z4 or something."

"You think I'm going to settle for a BMW when you're driving an Aston Martin? Anyway, the back rub I can get right now. I hate waiting for wishes to come true." I started to relax as his hands began kneading forcefully into my shoulders.

"Oh, all right I suppose," he said. "Though I'd rather rub something else right now." His thumbs pressed into the top of my neck, just where it meets my head. I felt an intense release of tension and exhaled.

"Oh my God, that's better than sex," I said. "Even vampire sex."

"You are pretty tense. Maybe I shouldn't have worked you up like that." He moved his hands quickly down my back, thrusting his thumbs into all the little knots and letting them go.

"I know, you're a beast. Just look what you've done to me."

"Look what you've done to me," he said, rubbing his hard cock against my ass. "I say we're even."

"Not even close," I argued. He pulled my hips up so I was on my hands and knees before him and pressed himself to me. "No way. You can't be done already," I said. I tried to hold my ground but I was already so wet from his hands working over me, the feel of his cock against me, that I didn't even believe myself.

"Bella, I haven't even started," he said as he cupped my breast in one hand and started to knead it softly between his fingers. I moaned and arched my back and couldn't help pressing my ass to him. Then he pushed me back down on the bed and began working over my back methodically with his hands, hitting every sore nerve ending, every hot acupressure spot, loosening all of my muscles, releasing every last bit of tension in my body. Then he took his hands and worked them over my legs and the bottoms of my feet, a special kind of heaven.

"I cannot believe how good I feel right now," I said. "Can you do that every day?"

"Roll over. I want to look at you."

I flipped to my back and he stood at the foot of the berth, his eyes wandering up and down my body, bringing me easily from that state of heavy relaxation back to readiness. He lifted my leg and then kissed the inside of my ankle, cool over the bone, sending a current of sensation right up my leg. I sucked in my breath as he moved his lips gradually up my leg. He climbed onto the berth, forcing my legs apart before him, his teeth lightly grazing on the way up until I was overcome with need for him. I put my hands into his hair like I was holding on for life as he began to lick and suck the skin of my inner thigh. Would I come just from the proximity of his mouth? Maybe.

"Breathe, Bella," he said.

As I inhaled I felt the edge of his tongue sliding along me, delving into the wetness and as I exhaled he dragged it slowly around my hard clit and slipped his finger up inside of me and all I could think was Jesus, I need his cock. Right. Now.

"Please fuck me," I said. "Please. Now. Right now."

"What did I say about begging?" he said into my thigh as he slid two fingers back inside of me and then moved his tongue deftly over my clit in a steady rhythm. I moaned and tightened around his fingers and then he pulled them out of me, flipped me on my belly, pulled my hips up to him and teased me with the tip of his cock.

"I'm… oh…" and just at that moment he plunged deep into me, riding right into the center of my building orgasm. I moaned as his quick, hard thrusts pushed me higher and higher up to the crest.

"Come," he said. "Right now."

It wasn't like he had to tell me twice. As soon as he said it, I clenched tight around his cock and came hard, working it over as he gradually slowed his thrusts.

"See? You listen very well," he whispered in my ear. I felt my face grow hot with the insinuation as my involuntary shuddering told him all he needed to know about that subject.

He rolled me onto my back again and kissed me forcefully, filled my mouth with his tongue and I opened myself to him even further. He pushed my knees back and plunged himself hard and deep into me. My body tightened around him and I began to moan softly as I crested again.

"Wait," he said. "Not yet."

"You're killing me," I cried, out of breath, doing all I could to control myself from slipping over that edge.

"Trust me," he said, cradling my head with his hand as he slowed his strokes.

"No, no, don't slow down... Please," I begged him again. He shook his head at me and then cupped his hand over my mouth and I throbbed beneath him. Then he gripped me tight by the back of my neck, holding my head like a vice. I gasped as I felt his mouth on my neck, his cold lips sending that pulsing current back out into every part of my body. I felt myself clench tighter around his cock as he dragged his tongue right over the bite mark. He gripped my head and held it fast as he began to fuck me harder. I moaned even louder as his thrusts became more intense. "Oh please," I begged. "Let me come now, Edward. Please."

"No," he said.

I felt myself drench below at his refusal, holding myself back. I didn't even consider the possibility that I could defy him. I felt his release near as he quickened his strokes and my body followed suit, yielding to him in every possible way. I didn't care what he required from me as long as he kept fucking me like that. I tensed every muscle in my body, working to hold on as he continued to fuck me relentlessly, his grip around my neck getting tighter and tighter.

"Okay Bella, come now," he said, the tension clear in his voice. I finally let go, came as hard as I ever had, pulsing, drawing him in and in again. The force of his orgasm sent me out to another realm, like it carried some secret spell of the life force that made my body behave like endless vibration, at one with the universe itself.

I didn't want to come back from this. Ever.


	26. Chapter 26

CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

Cullen Cove

I was never a morning person. Not ever. Not even as a kid. This was another thing that changed with Edward, because the moment I woke I wanted to spring out of bed to find him. But this morning, the morning after our bloody kiss, our argument and the ensuing fuck that nearly made me speak in tongues, he was in bed next to me when I woke, still, cool, curved around me, a protective hard shell. I stretched myself, turned to face him and watched his eyes open.

"You weren't sleeping were you?" I asked.

"No," he said. "I was just thinking about last night."

"Which part?"

"All of it."

"The part where you were really mad at me?"

"Yeah, that too."

"I'm sorry, Edward. I've got to find a way to make that up to you."

"No, you don't," he said, pulling me closer.

"What does it do to you when you drink my blood?" I asked.

He shifted under the sheet, and I could feel him getting tense. "It's bad?"

"It's bad for you," he said.

"I know this might sound weird, but I like it. And not just because… " I paused, gauging his reaction, which appeared curious and not all that surprised. "Not because of the orgasms."

"What do you like about it then?"

"I feel like I'm inside of you, sustaining you in some way. Does that make sense or does it just sound fucked up?"

"Bella, you are always in me," he said. "You are the light of my world. I don't need your blood to sustain me, I just need you, here."

I went to kiss him but hesitated.

"What's wrong?" he said.

"I don't know what's okay for me to do now. Can I kiss you or do I need to ask permission first?"

"You're a fast learner."

"I'm trying."

"Do you understand why I did what I did last night?"

"Yes," I said. "You're afraid of losing control of your predator instincts and hurting me, so you moved to a controlling role."

"Right. Sex is the most dangerous time for us, so the new rule is just there to keep things safe. But you don't have to ask me if you can kiss me."

"But I want to know—do you actually prefer to be dominant like that? Because I get the feeling that wasn't the first time you…" I paused as I felt the scowl come across my face. "It seems like you've done this before."

"What's wrong?"

"Thinking of you with someone else makes me want to break something."

"Is that so?" he smirked. "Be grateful you can't read their minds the morning after. I had to go out and kill something right after I left the high school that morning when you were with Jake. His fucking paws on you, kissing you in that parking lot in front of me."

"I did try to hit him for that."

"You did?" He laughed. "Wish I'd seen that."

"So it was more than just Mercy, then?"

"Do you really want to talk about this right now?"

"No. I just want to know if you prefer to… what's the term?"

"Dom," he said. "And no, I don't prefer it, other than I know it turns you on."

"How do you know that?"

He shook his head and narrowed his eyes at me. "Bella, when you're turned on, I know it. I'd know it from a mile away."

"How do you know I was turned on by you being dom or whatever and not just by you?"

"Trust me, I can tell," he said. "Does it bother you that it turns you on?"

"Does it bother you?"

"This is all so new to you," he said, shaking his head. Then he rolled me onto my back, climbed on top of me and pinned my wrists over my head. I immediately got hot, and he ran his nose along my neck, inhaling deeply. "Sweetheart, if I wanted to? I could fuck you and then drain you of your life and make your murder pleasure you as much as your finest orgasm. So no, it doesn't bother me that you get turned on by power play."

My body lit up like dry tinder under a torch, and he began to breathe deeply through his nose. I now understood what he was doing. He was inhaling me like a drug. He was smoking me.

"Is that supposed to scare me or turn me on?" I asked.

"I know it turns you on." He kissed my neck and then my shoulder.

"Is that bad?"

"Not unless you find yourself in the intimate company of another vampire. And you'd better not."

"Am I supposed to ask you for… Or should I not ask you? How does this work?"

"What is it you want?"

"I want you to tell me what to do—if that's okay."

Then he kissed me again, a harder, more insistent kiss. "Go stand against that door there for me. I want to look at you."

There was an intimacy, an honesty to his directive that I'd never experienced in any other way. I knew exactly what he wanted and why. All I had to do was see it through. I climbed out of bed, still naked and walked across the stateroom to the door and turned to face him.

"You like to look at me a lot," I said, my hands on my hips.

"That's right."

He propped himself on an elbow, the sheet draped just over his lower half, and said, "Spread your legs a little."

My mouth dropped in surprise and he smiled, a cat with a mouse in its teeth. I did as he said and watched his eyes travel down. "Good," he said, when I'd parted them. "Now touch yourself."

Blood rushed through my body, carried by my quickening pulse. I was blushing. He loved to make me blush, I could see by the bulge appearing under the sheet before I even moved. Then I slowly put my hand in between my legs and held it there.

"Go on," he said, encouraging.

I rubbed my middle finger lightly over my hard clit, soft circles that had my legs tensing as I felt myself hotter, wetter inside.

"Does that feel good?" he asked. I nodded in response, unable to speak. "Keep your eyes here, babe. I want to watch your face."

I looked at him then, his eyes dark, the corners of his mouth turned up in a way that made his intense pleasure at the sight of me obvious. Breathe. I had to remember to breathe. I kept my eyes on his but didn't speak. His desire began to escalate, his chest rising and falling with every breath he took.

"Come to me," I said.

His hesitation was a quick stab to my heart in that moment. My face must have shown my need and my displeasure at even the small distance between us, because a second later he was on his knees before me, his mouth pressed to my naked belly, soft licks and tender kisses making it quiver and ache for him. His hands pressed into the flesh of my ass and then he moved like light to my legs, spreading me before him as he ran his nose along the crease in my leg, and then into me, followed by light, cool licks of his tongue just along the edge of me. I grabbed his shoulders and he hooked one of my legs with his arm, pulling it up, pushing me back into the wall and then I felt his tongue, hard and insistent as it slid up into me. I groaned and tightened as he sucked my clit into his mouth and held it ever so gently between his teeth and then flicked the tip of his tongue over it. Then he thrust his tongue deep into me, over and over until I was coming and then he continued into my orgasm, holding me up against the wall over him.

"I want you in my mouth," I said, sliding down to the floor, kissing him, tasting myself on his lips, running my tongue over his mouth, pushing against his chest, aggressive and needy and insistent in a way I hadn't dared be with him since that first night. "Now."

"Now that's pretty demanding," he said, standing up, leaving me on the floor. "I'm not sure that behavior falls within the confines of our newly established policy."

"Come on," I said. "Please?"

"Please what?" He smiled down at me as he saw my face turn pink.

"Can I please… " I paused. I hadn't ever actually asked a man this question before. It wasn't normally a question.

"Can you please what?"

"Can I please suck your cock?" I asked, looking up at him, and then winced as I heard myself say "cock" in front of Edward and mean it.

"See? Was that so difficult?"

He backed himself against the wall and held himself before me, hard as he stroked himself and seeing him do that, here in daylight, realizing now that I was a complete amateur at this and there was no way I was getting that thing down, I was suddenly very intimidated.

"Come here," he said.

I stood up and walked the few steps to stand before him. "Are you sure?"

"I'm nervous," I said.

He kissed me then, put his hand to the back of my neck, stroked the lower part of my skull with sure fingers. "God, I love making you nervous," he said. "I'm sorry, but it's just so hot."

I shook my head at him. "You're bad."

"I know." He cupped my chin and kissed me, his lips reassuring. Then gave me a very devilish grin as he set his eyes on mine. "On your knees, Bella," he said.

I closed my eyes for a moment to collect myself.

I was not someone who had a lot of experience giving head, despite my daring execution of roadhead on the night Edward had revealed his secret to me. Something about that night, my bloodletting, the onset of my manic episode, the adrenaline rush made me feel as confident as a porn star at this. But now? Now I was worried I'd disappoint.

I lowered myself to my knees and paused as he held his cock before me, erect and long and imposing right there in my face. I looked up at him, and then looked back at his cock and saw it, before my very eyes, grow harder, thicker, if that was possible—just, more. He was very, very turned on. By me. On my knees. And then I suddenly had my confidence back.

"Just take it slow, honey," he said.

I nodded, wetting my lips. I didn't have to get the whole thing down—I would still please him. I was sure of that much.

I started kissing it, my lips dripping saliva, slippery down the shaft. I let my hand wander and hold him beneath, firmly, and felt the movement, heard his low utterances, the growls of anticipation he was straining to keep buried in his chest as I tormented him a little in this way. I wrapped my hand around the base and started to lick him then, my tongue hot to his cold, hard skin. I flattened it and worked around him until I came to the tip. I teased it with the tip of my tongue and heard him restrain himself from groaning. And then I opened my mouth wide and wrapped my wet lips around the tip.

"Fuck, Bella," he said. "That's good."

I grabbed his hips and steadied myself, pausing. Then I slid my mouth further and felt him tense as he hit the back of my throat. There was still so much more of him, though. I pulled back slowly, leaving just the tip of him in my mouth and swallowed. Then I moved my lips down his shaft again and felt his hands in my hair, as I took him to the back of my throat again and stopped just before the gag reflex kicked in. Then I pulled off of him again, wrapped my hand around the base of his shaft and stroked him as I pulled my lips back to the tip.

"So good, babe," he said, fingering my hair, his hand easing over the contour of my face, encouraging.

I slid my mouth down him again, more confident, until he got to the back of my throat and then I paused, waited for the gag reflex, but didn't pull back.

"Relax, Bella," he said. "Open yourself to me."

I took a deep breath through my nose. I can do this, I thought. He gently thread his fingers in my hair, then massaged my scalp. Then I felt my throat begin to relax and open to him. He stood perfectly still as I tipped my head and moved slowly further down his shaft, until he was suddenly filling my throat and in the core of me? I began to clench, tight as I felt this entirely new sensation. I held him there.

"That's it," he said. "Fuck. Yes."

I pulled off of him, and then took him down into my throat and he groaned, the muscles of his ass tensing under my hands as I gripped him and held him.

Was I going to come just from the sensation of having him in my throat?

Yes. Yes I was.

I pulled off, and then took him down again. And then again and again until I thought his legs would crack from the strain of his tensing thighs.

"Bella," he said, and I knew. I reached my hand down between my legs, feeling myself dripping wet, my clit hard as a pebble and I rubbed it and then throated Edward again. As he saw me reach for myself, he went to pull out of my mouth but I moved my hands back to his ass, holding him. I pulled off.

"Come in my mouth," I said.

"No," he said.

"Yes," I said. "Please."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Yes, it's a great idea," I said, putting my mouth back to him and sliding forward again until he was as deep in my throat as he could go. I held him there and rubbed my clit until I started to tense beneath him, his enormous cock filling my throat, my mouth and then I came like that and as I was coming, I pulled back and then went down on him again, as far as I could. He groaned and tried to pull out of my mouth, but somehow I managed to hold onto him. I did it again and then felt him come completely undone. He held my head as the intense stream of his ejaculate filled my throat, my mouth, spilled out the sides, all savory and cool and tingly as it dripped down my chin, onto my breasts and he shuddered and pulled out of me and dropped to his knees before me.

"Are you okay?" he asked, a little wild eyed. "Did I hurt you?" He wiped himself from my cheeks and chin with his thumb. And as he held my face in his hands, I looked him in the eyes and swallowed. And his jaw dropped, just a little before the corners of his mouth turned up into a slightly stunned, but satisfied smile.

"Hurt me?" I said, pulling his hand to my mouth and licking it clean, sucking on his fingers. "Do I look hurt to you?"

He shook his head. "Not really."

"Why? Did I hurt you?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him playfully.

"I'm beginning to think you could if you wanted to."

"So, then, I say we're even now," I said.

"God, I love you." Then he kissed me, his lips soft and full of wonder.

#

After I ate breakfast, we charted a course and pulled up anchor. I got to captain the first leg of the sail, and the wind was brisk, the morning overcast. Sometime mid-morning we swapped places and as I watched him at the helm, the cloud cover began to break and our first rays of sunshine broke through. Off of Edward's face, I saw tiny rainbows and thought I was tripping.

"Edward I can see trails off your skin in this light. Do you think that's part of mania too, or is that some residual effect of your venom?"

"No, that's just me," he said. "This is the reason vampires don't go out in sunlight. We call too much attention to ourselves."

"All this time I've known you, I've never seen you in sunlight?"

"I don't go out in the sun unless I'm on the boat. And then I'm usually alone."

"Does it burn you?"

"No, but direct sunlight weakens my powers a little."

"How much?"

"I can still take you in arm wrestling."

"We'll have to see about that," I said.

"Brazen girl," he said. "You're on. As soon as we find a quiet beach."

The day whet my appetite further for the much longer sail we now planned for immediately after graduation. We would launch late Saturday night and head west, towards Hawaii. My idea. But first, I had to speak to Jake and help settle the new treaty between the Cullens and the Quileute. Then I'd gather a few belongings from my house and say goodbye to Charlie. That was the worst part.

"What am I going to tell my father?" I said. "I don't even know where to begin."

"Tell him the truth," Edward said.

"The real truth? Like the vampire truth?"

"He either already knows or he's going to find out from Sue Clearwater or the Blacks," he said. "Better he find out from you, don't you think?"

"Jake had better not tell him before I do," I said.

"I thought you said Jacob was afraid of him, so why would he tell him?"

"Well, he's more afraid of Charlie's disapproval than anything else. Charlie and Jake have always been close."

Edward's face clouded a little. "Does Charlie know Jake proposed to you? Would he want you to marry Jake?"

"Look, that was hardly a proposal," I said. "I never mentioned it to Charlie, so if Jake tells him he's marrying me before he hears it from me, he'll never buy it. And he would never tell me who to marry. That's not his style."

"Bella, I need to know," Edward said. "What is Jacob Black to you? I know Monday wasn't the first time you've been with him."

I had been dreading this conversation. I'd known it was inevitable, but had hoped to post-pone it indefinitely.

"I guess Jake is sort of like Mercy," I said.

"No," Edward said. "You have feelings for Jake that go beyond friendship. I know you do."

"They don't come close to the feelings I have for you."

"If he'd asked you to marry him in some sort of proper way, would you have considered it?"

"On Monday? No way."

"Okay, let's say you never met me. Let's say it was a year ago."

I hesitated and looked out over the water.

"So you do love him."

"It's very different," I said.

"He loves you too," Edward said. "You do know that, don't you?"

"Jake is not into me. The only time he shows any interest is when I'm with someone else. It's totally annoying."

"He never pursued you because he didn't think the wife of a werewolf was a good enough life for you."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I can read his mind, remember?"

"Why are you doing this?" I asked, getting irritated. "I don't want to think about Jake right now."

"You need to know the truth," he said. "And I need to know that you wouldn't rather be with him."

"Edward, if I'd rather be with him, I would have gone to him already," I said.

"You didn't know the truth," he said. "You need to know before he sees you tomorrow. He's going to try to convince you to leave me and be with him."

"It won't work."

"How many times have you slept with him?"

"Why do you need to know that?"

"I need to know."

"A handful of times," I said. "I don't know the exact number."

"So then, too many times to count. For how many years?"

"Okay, okay," I said. "When I first came back to Forks, I hung out with Jake a lot. I was in bad shape, Edward, and he was a comfort to me. So on the weekends we'd get drunk and end up in bed together. I was too fucked up to be in a relationship back then, and he never pushed it. Things between us were casual. Then about a year ago, he got hired to teach and he started to really blow me off."

"That's around the time we came back," he said.

"How do you know so much about him? Do you two actually know each other?"

"Jacob Black is one of the fiercest vampire hunters in the Pacific Northwest. His skill is legendary. All our kind know who he is."

"Well then, why hasn't he hunted you down?" I asked.

"Because Carlisle established a treaty with his great grandfather more than a century ago," he said. "Vampires have always been attracted to this region because of the weather, so they've been a problem for the Quileute. When we established territory here we kept the predators out. The Quileute know us and our philosophy and they know we keep the predators away, so they want us around as long as they don't have to interact with us. But ever since we moved back to Forks last summer, Jake has had nothing to do," Edward said. "He's lost and he wants us gone."

"And now I've given him the perfect excuse."

"It's politically very dicey for him," Edward said. "The tribal elders don't want us to leave. While we were away they still lost members to vampires. Jake and the pack can't be everywhere at once."

"No wonder he's been so weird this year," I said. "It's like he's been depressed or something."

"So, were you in love with him?"

"He was unreliable, you know?"

"You didn't answer my question."

"Well, I might have fallen in love with him if he'd been at all consistent with me. But he was always so non-committal that I couldn't really get serious about him."

"Well now you know why. He was trying to give you a chance at a better life."

"It doesn't matter," I said. "He should have told me and let me decide what kind of life I wanted."

"That's what Illeana said, too," Edward said.

"You talked to her about that?"

"I talked to her about telling you the truth myself. I was coming back Tuesday night to tell you everything and ask you to leave Forks with me. But I was too late."

"No, Edward," I said. "The way I remember it, you were just in time."

#

We sailed on a stiff breeze to the northern part of the San Juan Islands, the furthest away from Forks, and dropped anchor in Fox Cove off of Sucia Island.

"We'll never make it back to Port Angeles in time from here tomorrow," I said. "Graduation is at seven."

"Don't underestimate Reckoner," Edward said. "She'll get us there."

Part of me was hoping she wouldn't.

The cove was quiet, secluded with a narrow little beach with grass and woods just beyond. And deserted. It reminded me of the kind of place I might encounter a medieval princess and a saucy dragon. All we needed was fog, but there was none this afternoon.

We were able to anchor Reckoner close to shore and set out to go exploring.

"Hop on," he said with a smile. "I'll show you around."

And just like Lake Crescent, once I was perched on his back, he flew through the landscape so fast I got giddy. We leapt over the downed trunks of trees, crossed streams effortlessly as he took us into the deepest part of the island, and then finally, with me still on his back, he climbed right up to the top of the tallest tree.

"You really are strong," I said.

"Just vampire strong," he said.

"If I was a vampire, would I be strong like you too?"

"Sure," he said. "When you're first transformed you're at your strongest, so you'd probably be even stronger than me."

"Oh, I will totally take you in arm wrestling then."

"We'll see."

We lounged in the branches, like exotic birds of prey and swayed in the light breeze. Edward never loosened his grip on me. I was in awe of this life and becoming more eager to embrace it.

"I want you to change me soon," I said. "Tonight. Before I go back to Forks tomorrow."

"First of all, transformation takes days so if I change you tonight, you'll never make it to graduation," he said. "And then once you're a new vampire, you'll have such insatiable bloodlust you won't be safe around humans for possibly a year or more."

"Really?" My stomach dropped as I thought about not seeing Charlie and Sue, Illeana and Carl and Perla, even Jake, for a year or more. "Is it very hard to abstain?"

"At first, yes." he said. "You get better with time and practice."

"I really don't want to kill anyone."

"I won't let you kill anyone."

"So you are going to change me then?"

He paused before answering me, brushed the hair from my face and kissed me on the forehead. "Many years from now, if you still want that, yes. But I don't want to change you before you get pregnant and have a baby or ten babies if that's what you want."

"I thought you couldn't father children?"

"I can't. But that doesn't mean you can't get pregnant and have a baby, as long as you stay human."

"You mean artificial insemination or something, right?"

"Well I wasn't thinking you'd do it the traditional way with someone else, no."

"You want to have a family, Edward?" The thought of such a thing gave me chills. "With me?"

"I've been talking to Carlisle about it," he said. "There's a lot we have to consider first, but I know how important it is to you and I want to give that to you. And I want to have that experience with you, Bella."

I seemed to do a lot of crying these days, more than I ever had in years, even with all that stilted grief and depression. But when I was depressed I hadn't felt anything at all. Now? It was like I felt the earth move if a caterpillar scuttled across a leaf in the next county. All I did was feel. And this idea that Edward wanted to raise kids with me, and had already discussed it with Carlisle and had thought about how to do that? It floored me.

He pulled me into his embrace, grazed the skin of my cheek with his own and kissed the tears away, and I inhaled him like cold invigorating air. How I loved this man. How intensely I felt his love for me.

"We'll live a normal, human existence. But I still have to figure out how to handle things once the kids are old enough to realize I'm not aging and you are," he said.

"Wait—you think I'm going to stay human and get old while you get to stay in your seventeen year old body? No way."

"Well, you can't change into a vampire with kids. In a new vampire state you'd be far too dangerous around them."

"I don't want to grow old while you stay young."

"Bella, growing old is an important part of life. It's the goal of life, right? To progress. What I wouldn't give to have that ability again."

"You're nuts."

"There are a lot of things you think about when you consider an eternity spent on earth. And anyway, you can become a vampire at 90 years old if you want. There's no point in rushing it."

"No way. You won't want me when I'm an old lady."

"Bella, there's never going to be a time when I won't want you." he said. "You'll always be perfect to me."

"I want to have a baby, yes, but maybe we can adopt after I'm a vampire or something. I don't know. Esme and Carlisle have all of you, right? I need to think this through some more."

"You know what? I'm glad to finally hear you say that."

#

For our last night in the San Juans, he wanted to build a fire on the beach and watch for shooting stars. With his vision he was really good at spotting them, even when the moon was out.

When the sun went down, he took the dinghy to shore along with some supplies and I went down to the stateroom to change. I opened the trunk and rifled through the clothing Alice had purchased for me. As I pulled out dress after dress I laughed and then I hung them up in the empty closet, satisfied as I saw my new belongings in their new home. Then I finally found some clothes that looked like I would wear and put on a t-shirt, thinking I would pair it with jeans and a sweater. But when I looked at myself in the mirror I changed my mind.

Out of the closet I pulled out a classic looking dark red poplin dress with a full knee-length skirt, an open back, a halter neck and an adorable bustline. It looked made for dancing. A bit formal for a beach fire, but it was Friday night. Plus I knew Edward would be surprised and I had a feeling he really liked me in a dress, though he never mentioned it. I slipped it on, pulled my hair up into a loose pile and fastened it there with some tendrils floating down around my face. Then I went into the head and put on mascara, eyeliner, lipstick.

Up in the cockpit, Edward sat on the bench waiting, his bare feet up, causal, smiling broadly as soon as he saw me emerge from the cabin. I stopped for a jaw drop at the sight of him, because he was wearing his tux, his pants were rolled up and he wore a white button down shirt with the top few buttons undone, no tie, and his jacket casually open. And it was all I could do to stand in place and not leap into his lap and rip the ensemble right off him.

"God, you look hot," I said. "What's the occasion?"

"You're wearing a dress?" he said. "By choice?"

"Yeah," I said. "Why? Don't you like it?"

"I love it," he said. "I just can't believe I've seen you wear three dresses in one week."

"See? Brave new me."

He rowed us to shore and then as I cautiously shifted to step from the dinghy to the beach, he lifted me out of the little boat and placed me gently on my feet, on the dry sand. I hadn't bothered with shoes. Over the bay, the moon was high in the sky, not as large as the night before, but still bright and beautiful. We sat on the blanket and from a worn canvas tote he pulled out a bottle of chilled Pellegrino, a wine glass, and poured me some water.

"Sorry it's not champagne," he said.

"I don't need any champagne," I said, noticing my pulse speed up, and he glanced over at me and grinned. He must have heard it.

It was all was perfect.

He got up to gather wood, his quick, smooth motion made it feel like watching a tree spirit flit in and out of the brush, in and out of consciousness. I got up and walked to the edge of the water and stuck my toes in, now enjoying the coldness against my warm skin. Out over the water I strained my eyes, looking for shooting stars, or some sign but saw none, so in my head I began to speak.

_He's going to ask me, Zack. He's going to ask me to be his wife. Tonight._

And then I heard Zack reply in my head, _Isabella, your heart is the whole world, with room enough for us all. Let it be full again. Let it be light._

#

Orange-yellow light flashed from behind me as I heard the crackle of twigs catching flame. The fire cast color onto Edward's face, giving him a most human appearance. He looked so happy—maybe happier than I'd ever seen him look before. As he crouched down poking a long stick into the center of the flames, stoking them, I thought to myself how uniquely beautiful he was. I could see him sometimes as that boy he was so many years ago, and yet he was so much more than that. How could someone as beautiful, as loving as Edward ever be spiritually doomed, cast out from the rest of this world, bound to the earth until it dried up and blew away into the dust of the solar system?

Whatever his ultimate fate, I would never leave him to it alone.

Satisfied with the state of the fire, he turned around and pulled out his iPod, a set of speakers and put on a song. Then he walked over to me and pulled me into his arms.

"Dance with me," he said, smiling.

I nodded, unable to speak as I felt the moment draw near. It was already going too fast.

He took my hand in his and held it to his chest, his fingers wrapped around mine gently, securely. His other hand took to the small of my back as he drew me into him, much closer than he could a month ago when we danced in that painful moment together at prom. I let my hand wander across the back of his neck, softly stroking into his hair, as I'd wanted to do those few weeks ago. How far we'd come already from that point.

Try not to cry yet, Bella, I said to myself. Hold it together.

Edward moved us in time to the music, over the sand like we'd danced thousands of times, over hundreds of years, as though dancing with him was a simple matter of breathing, walking, sleeping. Keep me here in this moment awhile, my love, my heart said to his. Don't let it go too fast.

My ear to his chest, I realized now I was used to the absence of his heartbeat. In its place I swore I could hear a low hum, could feel the energy that animated his every word and deed. He was as alive as anything in the universe could possibly be.

My own pulse began to speed up as he danced me under the stars, next to the flickering light of the fire. He was going to ask any minute now. I felt a chill and then my back broke out into goosebumps.

"It's a perfect night, isn't it?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, a little bit enthusiastically for the mood. "Yes, really, perfect."

He laughed, lighthearted, and then smiled down at me. "This night we'll remember forever, I think," he said, and then ran his hand along my face, pulled my chin up and bent to give me a soft kiss. I got so excited I started to twitch and tried to keep myself from hyperventilating.

"What's wrong Bella," he asked, smirking. "Are you nervous or something?"

"Yes," I said, my voice wavering. "A little."

"Now, why is that?" he teased.

"No real reason," I said.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," I said, my eyes filling up with tears, and then tears I could not contain, they just spilled over and down onto the sand. With his thumbs he brushed them away and then he took my hands in his and knelt before me on one knee. "Yes," I said again. "Yes. Definitely yes. Yes."

"You have to let me ask you first," he said, smiling.

"I'm sorry," I said, my voice breaking.

"Shh, sweetheart." He pulled me so I was sitting on his knee as he knelt in the sand. He kissed me under each eye, wiped my tears away. Then he pulled his face from mine just enough so that I could gaze clearly into those deep, red eyes of his.

"Will you marry me, Bella?"

"Yes," I said. Then I started to cry harder as I felt the ring slip onto my finger, a swift and simple movement, but one that took my breath away. I threw my arms around his neck and shook with silent sobs as I tried to contain my joy. I was going to marry Edward. I was going to be his wife and keep him forever and ever and ever.

And then there we were, in a future I never would have dreamed possible, the one with vampires and werewolves and angry shape shifted bears and fires on the beach under moons that stayed full for weeks on end. The one where I was happy again.

We lingered, breathing together, our lips touching again and again. He took my hand and felt the ring as it circled my finger like it had been made for me.

"Do you like it?"

"I love it."

He laughed because I hadn't even looked at it yet. I glanced down and teared up all over again when I saw the antique Edwardian era ring, a delicate, square mine cut setting.

"Edward it's stunning," I said. "It's perfect. I adore it. I'm honored to wear your mother's ring."

"She would have loved you," he said, with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Bella Cullen." I said it out loud, trying it out.

"You're going to change your name?" he asked, surprised.

"Sure," I said. "Is that okay?"

"Absolutely. I'd love for you to take my name," he said. "I just thought maybe you'd always kept your maiden name."

"Now what kind of a stalker are you if you don't know that I changed my name when I moved back to Forks four years ago?"

"What was your married name?"

"Isabella Marie Abbott," I said and felt a twinge. It had been a long time since I'd said that name out loud.

"Bella Cullen," he said.

"It sounds good, right?"

"Very good," he said.

I think if Edward had the normal bodily functions of a human, I might have seen his eyes tear up a little right then. I put my arms around him and then led us both over to the blanket where we sat down and talked about wedding plans, almost as though we were any other normal, newly engaged couple. I had to laugh when I considered the possible cast of characters that might compose our guest list, had things been less complicated.

"How could we possibly get married in Maui? Aren't you worried about the sunlight? I mean that could be a problem for your side of the family."

"I was thinking something at night, and much more private," he said. "Unless you'd rather have something formal. Whatever you want, you'll have it."

"Perfect. As long as that's your philosophy on marriage, I think this is going to work out quite well," I said, to his laughter.

Then we talked deep into the night as we sat on that blanket and poked sticks into the dying fire. We should just stay right here, I thought but didn't say. It's all perfect right now. Let's just stay here and have our happily ever after and be done with it. Fuck everything, everyone else.

"I don't want to go back," I said quietly after awhile.

"I don't either," he said.

"We'll stay right here," I said.

"Why not?" he said. "What else do we need, really? We've got the moon, the water, Reckoner. Everything else is incidental."

"We'll claim Fox Cove as Cullen Cove. We'll make a sign and put it on that tree right over there. Maybe we'll even get our own flag."

"Sounds perfect."

He put his arm around me and then kissed my lips, cool and soft and adoring. I pressed mine to his more insistently and then hesitated, trying to find the words to ask him, in that gentle moment, for the thing I most wanted from him right then.

"Edward?" I asked.

"Bella?"

It wasn't just the heat of the fire or the proximity of Edward that made my face flush. He would be my husband. Soon.

"Will you make love to me now?" I whispered.

His eyes softened again, shining in the dying fire as he bent his face to mine and pulled me as close as he could.

"Let's go home," he said, with a nod to Reckoner.

#

Back on board we stayed up above, under the cooling air. He pulled my hair loose, his hands happily lost in the curled locks falling down my back as his lips found mine again, and played on them so tenderly I felt like I could read a lifetime's worth of sentiment in their touch. I wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, holding his face to mine.

"Tell me," I said, standing on my toes to kiss his forehead, touching my brow to his. He closed his eyes and exhaled and I took his lips with another kiss. His breath quickened, like it might if he were still human. "I want to do whatever it is you want."

"Okay look, come here." He pulled me to the bench and sat me on his lap. "You just said yes…" He paused and then kissed me again, taking another deep breath.

"You're breathing a lot," I said. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," he said and then smiled. "I guess you make me feel human."

"Is that a good thing?"

"It's a very good thing," he said. "You're going to be my wife, Bella. My wife."

"I know," I said, smiling, my eyes tearing up. "Can we get married right away? I don't want to wait."

"Yes, we've waited long enough," he said, kissing me on the ear, then in the space just below, right at my jawbone, giving me chills again. "But you are so, so worth the wait."

"I want to be good for you. I want to be a good wife."

"You're already perfect," he said. "So here's what I'm going to do." He lowered the zipper on my dress, tipped my chin so our eyes were locked and said, "I'm going to take you right now, right here, very slowly."

"Oh my God," I said with a deep breath and I kissed him insistently on the lips, assurance of my eager anticipation of that intention. He quickly rid us both of our clothes, and then pulled me back to his lap, facing him. His thumbs brushed along the soft curve of my breasts as he bent to kiss along my clavical and up under my chin.

"I need to be inside of you now," he said, growling low in my ear. He ran his hand up between my legs. "I need to feel you all around me. I want to savor every inch of your skin, every touch, every second."

"Edward, I love you, I love you," I whispered in his ear. I didn't know what else to say. This is exactly what I felt in every cell in my body, and these were all the words I could conceive. I kissed his forehead and then he kissed all down my neck, his hands stroking along my back, setting the curve of my spine on fire. Every place he touched came to life and waited for his touch to return.

"And I love you, my beautiful Bella," he said, running his hand down the front of me, the backs of his fingers trailing over my belly, down between my legs where he lightly drew the tips across my sensitive skin. I tensed, my body tightening up excitedly before he was even inside of me.

"Relax, sweetheart," he said, his nose gently rubbing along my ear. "Let me fill you."

I raised my eyes to his again and as he entered me, very slowly, I felt my entire body open to him in some whole new way. My flesh felt like some discardable shell, it fell away from consciousness like an idea already executed and done in the world. Pale light hovered around us, around his eyes, his face, straying in and out in the corner of my vision. All of the stars in the night sky exploded into droplets of color and the water itself became a vision of interlocking particles of light. It was all light, all around us. Even the darkness was light.

"Do you see this?" I cried.

"Yes," he whispered in my ear and then moved, rocking slowly inside of me, filling me utterly and completely.

And there we stayed, lost in this world of light created by the union of our hearts under the unfailing sky. It seemed like an age passed that we held each other in this way, naked and intertwined beneath the moon, considering the many lifetimes that we might share as husband and wife and all of the wild and wonderful things that might pass within them. In time, I felt like I'd ventured far beyond my bones, right into the hum of the universe itself and as that buzz grew in intensity, I began to clutch him, collapsing, a dark star fading back into the lines of creation. As I felt pulled back into my body, I cried out for him.

"Let go, Bella… I've got you. Right here," he said, holding me. And as I pulsed around him, he let go into the center of my ecstasy, filling me with his essence, shuddering beneath me as I throbbed over him. My body pulled his release all through me, his energy dispersed throughout my entire being.

"You've changed everything. Forever," I said, as I continued to hold him inside of me. "And I will always return to this, to you."

"And I will never leave," he said. "Whatever comes, you will always find me steadfast inside my devotion to you, my Bella."


	27. Chapter 27

**CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN**

**Bella of Forks**

More like a ghost ship than an antique monohull, Reckoner carried us back to Port Angeles in record time. It helped that Edward sailed us through the night, once he'd finally convinced me to sleep. I hadn't wanted to leave him, not even for a moment, so I stayed naked and curled in his lap a good long while. I knew without sleep my mania would probably progress again, so eventually I let him hypnotize me, and when I woke it was light and he was tying Reckoner down at the dock.

It wasn't without a serious ache in my gut that I left her there, and I recall giving a sad, heavy sigh as I glanced over my shoulder one last time as we walked away, watching her sway a little in the confines of her slip. "Be careful out there," she seemed to say to me. "Hurry home."

"I'll never be far," Edward said, reading my reluctance, if not my thoughts as he put a reassuring arm around my shoulders.

"Do you think there's going to be a problem if the Quileute find out that Jasper killed a bear last summer? Or that you killed the Kermode?" I asked.

"Jasper didn't know the bear was a shape shifter until it was too late," he said. "And I was defending you, and then it was a matter of self-defense. I tried very hard not to kill her."

"I know that," I said. "But I'm wondering how the Quileute will feel about it."

"Jacob would have done the same in my position."

"I'm sure you're right," I said. "I only hope it won't be a problem in terms of the treaty if it comes up."

"Me too."

As we approached the Vanquish, I went toward the passenger side door, but Edward pulled me around the car by my shoulders and opened the driver's side and dangled the key.

"You're really letting me drive?" I asked.

"Of course," he said. "This is your car now. You can drive it whenever you want."

"No way."

"What? Is it too much car for you?"

"Why are you giving me your favorite car?"

"Because you love it," he said.

That was Edward. Generous. And rich. Very, very rich. So rich, in fact, that the Cullens could be counted among the wealthiest families in the country, though their relatively understated lifestyle kept this information far from being obvious. Between Carlisle's three centuries of wealth accumulation and Alice's ability to see the future, they'd made their fortunes easily in the stock market. They owned homes all over the world. They even owned a small island off the coast of Rio De Janeiro. They did indulge in cars, and the Vanquish was just one of Edward's collection, though it was his very favorite.

I started the engine, thrilled by the low growl as I fed it a little gas.

"Go easy now," he said, a slight edge creeping into his voice.

"What? You're not nervous, are you?" I revved the engine.

"Nervous isn't the word," he said as I put the car in reverse and did a quick K turn.

"You're safe with me, Cullen," I said. "No worries."

"It's not me I'm worried about," he said, shaking his head as I hit the gas and took off down the road.

We soared down the highway, back towards Forks. We planned to go to the Cullen house first, and then to see my father to tell him about our engagement and the truth about the Cullens. If I managed to get through that, the graduation meeting with Jake would be easy, at least by comparison. Maybe Jake would be heartbroken about my engagement to Edward, but then maybe he wouldn't. I wasn't convinced that Edward was right about Jacob's feelings for me, but I did want to tell Jake this time to his face that I'd gotten engaged—and I wanted to settle this treaty business.

Edward blasted the Whigs on the stereo, one of my favorite tracks from his mp3 collection, a loud guitar-heavy song with a good beat for driving. I became so absorbed in the feel of the car and the road, I stopped musing for awhile about how the rest of the day's events might go. I caught the smile on Edward's face as he watched me.

"You really know how to drive," he said.

"Charlie taught me when I was 13. Then he taught me all the cop driving techniques when I got my license."

"Isn't that illegal?"

"Yeah," I said. "But I love to drive, so he wanted to make sure I knew how to do it safely. It was our secret."

"Are you still feeling manic?" he asked. "Your reaction time is still accelerated."

"I know," I said. "But I don't actually feel manic now. I think the sleep has helped. And the sex. I'll be needing another dose of that soon."

"I think you have a prescription for that, right?"

"Yes, it falls under aerobic exercise."

"Maybe some of the effects of the venom are permanent," he said. "I wonder how else you've been affected."

"Hope I can still run fast," I said. "Just in case."

"You'd better not be needing to run fast," he said. "Or whatever is chasing you will be very sorry."

I reached over and put my hand on top of his and squeezed, and he kissed the back of it and then placed it firmly back on the wheel. "Both hands on here, okay?"

"Yes, dear."

#

The Cullen house was set back off the road with a long, twisting drive through the trees. It was a modern masterpiece of glass and light, overlooking the Sol Duc. This was the first time I'd seen it up close in the light. It could have easily been on the cover of _Dwell_ with its bold architectural features and meticulously maintained grounds. I half expected to see Frank Lloyd Wright's ghost appear out of the woods.

"Why don't you live here?" I asked. "This place is stunning."

"I do live here," he said. "But sometimes you need privacy." He smiled and I didn't have to guess at the insinuation. I just didn't want to consider how often he'd availed himself of Kalaloch's privacy before this week.

As we pulled up to the garage I was surprised to see not just Edward's family, but about fifteen other vampires milling around. A few were out on the deck, chatting with Alice, but I could see through the tall glass windows several more guests in the house, talking to Esme and Rosalie. Now that I knew vampires existed, I could easily tell that's what they all were. There was a certain posture they each held, very straight and elegant, and every one of them beautiful in a way only actors and models appear in touched up photographs.

"Who are they?" I asked.

"Assorted friends and extended family," Edward said, his mood shifting to something much less casual.

"They must be here for Alice's graduation party," I mused. But the look on his face told me that there was more he wasn't saying. I put my hand on his arm to stop him before he got out of the car. "I want to know what's going on," I said.

"I'm not sure," he said, sounding a little tense. "From what I'm picking up, Carlisle wanted some kind of insurance against Jacob. I need to ask him about it."

Alice came over to us as soon as we parked. When I got out of the car and she grabbed my left hand and looked at the ring, and then threw her arms around me. "Congratulations!" she said. "I'm so happy for you both." She hugged and kissed Edward.

"Alice," Edward said, his voice strained. Her expression shifted to serious as he read the contents of her mind. "Where's Carlisle?"

"In the garden," she said. "There's been a slight change of plans."

"I figured as much," Edward said.

"What's happened?" I asked.

"Jacob was here when we got back," Alice said. "Carlisle was pretty angry."

"I'm sure," Edward said.

"He was here in wolf form, with the pack, waiting for the two of you to return. Carlisle told them you were away until today and then he called around to see what friends we could call in, just to be a show of support until we sort this all out with the Quileute."

"Has Jacob been back?" Edward asked.

"No," Alice said.

"You're not bringing all these vampires to graduation, are you?" I asked, suddenly horrified.

"Of course not," Alice said. "That would be insane."

Carlisle, Emmett and Jasper emerged from behind the house, trailed by a few guests who looked at me with a curiosity that put me on edge. I shrank a little into Edward's side and he put his arm around me.

"I see congratulations are in order," Carlisle said as they approached. Carlisle took my hand in his and gave me a light kiss on each cheek as Emmett and Jasper each shook Edward's hand. Then Carlisle embraced Edward and said, "I'm sorry this isn't exactly an engagement party."

A striking, tall strawberry-blonde woman looked at me and then at Edward and took note of the red in his eyes. "Edward, you're back to hunting humans? And engaged to one?"

"Tanya, this is Bella, my fiancée," he said, ignoring her question. "Bella, this is Tanya, an old friend of ours. She's from the Denali coven, another coven that embraces humanitarianism. We consider them family."

"Nice to meet you," I said. She nodded but looked at me as though she hoped I might flinch or back away, but I did not. From the amber color of her eyes, I understood that she wasn't a human hunter, but by the look in them I could tell something else. She didn't like me. At all. Which told me all I needed to know about her feelings for Edward.

"Let's go inside," Carlisle said. "I feel a storm coming."

In the house, Esme fussed over me and Edward and our engagement and Rosalie even gave me a quick, light but friendly squeeze and hardly snarled at Edward at all. Then we all retired to the great room, a large space with a fireplace, tall windows and a grand piano, but little seating. The gray day was beginning to feel oppressive and the tenor of that assembly of guests made me nervous. There were, in all, twenty-two vampires in that space, including Edward and his family. As they all mulled over the news of our engagement, they studied me and I noticed the inner circle of Edward's family positioning themselves closer to where I stood.

"So you're engaged to a human?" said a vampire named Peter, an old friend of Jasper's whose eyes were red like Edward's. In fact, most of the vampires there had the red eyes of traditional predatory vampires. As I registered this information I went cold. "And the wolves are claiming she's one of them?"

"She's not one of them," Edward said.

"My family is very close with the Quileute," I said, steeling myself a little. "We have a long history with the Blacks."

"How can you possibly marry a human?" another member of the Denali coven, Garrett asked. "Aren't you worried about… complications?"

"I'm turning her tonight at sea," Edward said, surprising me, but I just smiled and nodded in assent. Whatever his reasoning was, I'd know it soon enough. "By our wedding day, she'll be one of us."

I expected some surprised looks from Rosalie, Alice or any of the Cullens, but they just nodded as well, like they were in on this plan all along.

"I need to say goodbye to my father first and settle the matter with the wolf pack," I said, impressing myself with my ability to play along so convincingly. Edward placed his hand in the small of my back, a subtle signal of reassurance.

"You're giving up a mortal life for him?" Tanya asked. "And your chances for heaven?"

I wondered at the directness of Tanya's question. Maybe immortality had a way of stripping one of the normal human social conventions that might suggest a more tactful approach to getting to know a stranger. But her tone was not spiteful. She was curious. I could tell she genuinely cared for Edward, and it was hard to fault her for that.

"The only hell I'm afraid of is life without him," I said.

"She really is the one then?" Tanya said to Edward, a softer look about her now. So she knew about Alice's vision of us together, too. I wondered how many of them did.

Edward put his arm around me and pulled me close. "Yes she is," he said, kissing the top of my head.

"No doubt about it," Alice said.

"We really should be celebrating, right?" Esme said, trying to lighten the mood. "Alice is graduating from high school for the first time ever. Edward has finally found his mate. After this business is settled with the Quileute, I do think we should celebrate."

"Then we can send her off to her transition on a good note," Tanya said, now more friendly, if more resigned. "Welcome to the family, Bella."

"Thank you," I said.

Edward squeezed my hand. Then he changed the subject. "Carlisle, where do things stand with the Quileute now?" Edward said.

"We meet this evening at the graduation ceremony and settle the new treaty," Carlisle said. "It shouldn't be too complicated, since we want to keep the same terms. We don't allow for the hunting or turning of humans in our territory, we stay off their land, we don't expose each other to the human population. I spoke with Billy Black yesterday and he said that Jacob still wants to speak with Bella to ensure her safety and to make certain that she's with you of her own free will. Then he says Jacob will abide by a new treaty. His first priority is the protection of the Quileute, and the tribal elders want peace. That's what we offer."

"What will happen tonight when Edward turns Bella then?" Peter asked.

"They won't be in our territory," Carlisle said. "They'll be at sea."

"Can we trust Jacob?" Edward asked.

"I hope so," Carlisle said. "But as you can see, we've got support here, just in case."

"Good," Edward said.

"I don't want any fighting," I said, my heart rate speeding enough so that it drew attention from the vampires, who could probably not just hear it, but catch the scent of my blood as it pumped quickly now through my arteries. "Jacob is like family to me. Billy Black is my father's best friend since before I was born and Sue Clearwater is going to be my step-mother. Please, I don't want any violence."

"Nobody wants violence," Edward said.

"Our guests are here to just serve as a reminder to Jacob that we have friends in the world," Carlisle said. "That's all."

"I can't stand the taste of wolves, anyway," Tanya said, giving me a friendly smile.

"Ugh, me either," Rosalie said, "I'd rather eat a rabid wildebeest."

Alice laughed and Edward excused himself and went upstairs, put in a pair of contact lenses to cover the red in his eyes, and donned a sport coat and a tie. As we were about to leave for my father's, Esme straightened him out, pulling a loose thread from the sleeve of his jacket and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "You'll do fine," she said. "Don't be so nervous."

"You're nervous? What about?"

"Talking to your father," he said. "When was he here, Carlisle?"

"Dad was here?" I asked, feeling my stomach drop to my knees. "With all these vampires?"

"He dropped by on Thursday morning before they arrived," Carlisle said. "He was looking for you."

"Oh no," I said. "What happened?"

"I explained to him that you were out sailing in the San Juans with Edward and that you'd be back today. And then we talked about fishing in the Sol Duc for awhile."

"That was it?"

"He already knew about us, Bella," Carlisle said. "He's engaged to a Quileute. And I think your father could get the secret of creation from the gods if he wanted to."

"He wasn't afraid?"

"He was concerned, but I told him Edward had a lot of experience on the water."

"I mean about the vampire part."

"Perplexed, really. That's how I read him. Interesting man, your father."

"That's one word for him," I said.

As we left, I took one last look at the crowd of vampires and I felt hollow. It should have been a family reunion. A graduation party. An engagement party, even. But instead it felt like an arms race. I now understood how the tension between the Cullens and Jacob Black had intensified over the past year, and how my relationship with Edward was a flashpoint for this volatile chemistry. It was incidental in the end, really, to the problem as whole, like the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand at the start of World War I. I knew a single argument over a woman's affection could lead to battles fit for legends. But I didn't want to be Helen of Troy.

#

Edward drove, since I was too busy brooding. Once we were in the car on my way to my father, I said, "I am really frightened there is going to be some kind of vampire-werewolf war. I can't take that."

"Nobody wants a war, Bella, least of all me. I don't intend to waste any time fighting when I should be sailing you to Maui."

"What was that about changing me tonight?"

Edward explained, "Humans are not supposed to know about the existence of vampires." This was more of a cultural norm, though some considered it a hard law. There was a ruling class of vampires in Italy, some group calling themselves The Volturi, like they were The Avengers or The Justice League for vampires. Carlisle once, long ago, had been a member of this ruling elite and it would not be a good thing for them to find out about my human status. That was why he told everyone I would be changed.

"You're a pretty good liar," I said, impressed.

"Comes with the territory," he said. "Anyway, after tonight we won't be seeing anyone for awhile. You can take all the time you want to consider transforming into a vampire, and if you decide to never turn, we can always stay hidden."

"That would kind of suck."

"A life of secrecy is the life of a vampire, Bella. You're going to have to get used to it. I'm sorry."

"I know," I said, taking his hand. "I'm trying."

#

When we pulled into Charlie's driveway, Edward leapt out of the car, opened my door for me, and walked me up to the porch where Sue and Charlie stood. Sue looked skeptically at Edward and gave me a small, concerned smile, and Charlie waited for us with crossed arms and a tight jaw. As defensive a posture it was, the softness around his eyes told me how relieved he was to see me. And I couldn't have felt more relieved to see him.

"Hi Dad," I said coming up the stairs. He wrapped his arms around me and held me tight.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah, great," I said. "Edward and I are engaged."

Charlie exhaled slowly and gave me another squeeze before letting go. He looked me squarely in the eye, like he was trying to read me. "Already?" he asked.

"Yes, already," I said. "It's a long story, but I am very happy."

Sue bit her lip nervously, wrung her hands a little and Edward subtly moved away, as though he sensed he might be offending her in some way. I know Sue wanted to say something, most likely about Jacob, but I appreciated her restraint.

"Chief Swan, if I could, I'd appreciate a word with you," Edward said.

"In a minute, Edward," he said.

"Actually, I need to talk to Dad alone," I said.

"Of course," Edward said.

Charlie and I went for a walk and I told him everything. I explained how I first met Edward, and how ever since I'd met him I felt alive again, had hope in the world again. I confessed my deep shame over thinking I'd fallen for a teenaged boy. Then I explained how I got engaged to Derek as a way to keep myself away from Edward, but how my heart kept leading me back to him. Then I told him the big awful truth about my accidental almost-suicide when I believed Derek was going to expose me, and how Edward had discovered me and bitten me as I was dying in order to save me, and also how he withdrew the venom from me so that I wouldn't turn into a vampire. And then I figured that was enough of the truth. No reason for him to worry Edward might accidentally kill me someday.

Charlie furrowed his brow and screwed up his mouth as I poured my heart out to him, and then I finally pulled my collar back and showed him the bite mark on my neck and he flinched, just a little, at the sight of it. He pulled me into his arms again and held me tight.

"You could have told me, Bella. You didn't have to go through all that alone."

"I know that now, Dad. I swear, I wish I had."

And then I showed him the ring, and all he said was, "Are you sure?"

"I'm certain beyond all doubt."

"Okay," he said. "You know Jake is going to have a real tough time with this."

"He had plenty of chances," I said.

"I know," he said. "That's what I told him."

So when we returned to the house we all sat down together, Sue and Edward again regarding each other politely, but very distantly, almost as though they repulsed one another but were too kind to be openly revolted. It was a response that over the hour we were there seemed to lessen as they grew a bit more accepting of each others' presence.

"Chief Swan, Mrs. Clearwater, I have asked Bella to marry me, and she has done me the great honor of accepting. I know how important your relationship is to her, and I would hope that in time you could come to accept me as her husband, even as unusual a circumstance as this is."

And so Edward began his campaign, and told Charlie that he knew how odd it must be to have his daughter paired off with one of his kind, but that he did swear that he would keep me safe, and that he intended to give me the most normal, human life he could, under the circumstances. And then he said he knew this all seemed to be happening very quickly, but he assured him that his ultimate priority was my health and happiness, and that he swore to be a good, loving and protective husband, and that he would provide a financially comfortable life for me and that he did have a livelihood, that he was a trained doctor and that he would most likely go into practice after we decided where we would settle, probably not near Forks because of the social implications, what with the town believing he was seventeen and not a vampire. And then he apologized for moving me away, but promised that he would fly me home to visit anytime, or fly him and Sue to us, and that he knew I was thirty and could marry whomever I wanted, and that he understood that no man would ever be good enough for me, and certainly not an undead one, but that it was still important to him that they could accept him as my husband, over time, since it was probably far fetched to ask for his blessing, not at this moment, anyway.

I was impressed that Charlie kept a straight, polite face on for most of Edward's monologue, almost as impressed as I was that Edward could talk for so long, so impassioned.

"Edward, I just want you to know one thing," Charlie said. "I don't care if you're a doctor, a vampire or an alien from outer space. You could be the devil himself for all I care. If you hurt my daughter, I will come find you and make you regret your own existence. But if you make her happy? Then you'll have no problem from me."

"Thank you sir," he said. "I'll do my best."

"See that you do."

"Well that's settled then," I said. "One peace treaty down, one to go."

"The big graduation meeting, yes, I heard," Charlie said. "It's a damned good thing Jacob got all those bears out of Forks before the ceremony this evening or I'd have to call in deputies from three counties."

"He did?"

"Yes, he's been corralling them out at La Push all week. I told him I didn't care what they were, if they kept harassing my town I'd tranquilize every last one and send them to the zoo."

Sue explained to us how in wolf form, Jake and his pack had more influence over the bears, "So they've been hunting them and then leading them back to the reservation. We've probably got close to forty out there now." She observed Edward for a reaction, and I could see that he grew stiff, perhaps unnerved, but I couldn't imagine Sue would know about Edward killing the Kermode if they had no means to speak between the tribes yet. Of course, this could very well change when Anna Marie Gladwell, the post-doc from the UW, arrived on Monday. But by then, Edward and I would be gone and a new treaty would be in place with the Quileute.

"We're leaving after graduation," I said.

"How long are you going to be gone for?"

"Awhile," I said and felt my heart shatter as his face fell. "Not forever. Plus we'll be flying you and Sue out to Maui for a wedding. Soon."

"Do you have to move so fast?" Sue asked.

"I want to," I said.

"Are you going to become one?" Sue asked, her eyes narrowing. "Are you going to become a vampire?"

"Will it matter?" I asked.

Charlie gave me a long, hard look. The kind of look any cop might exchange with his grown daughter if he disagreed with her but respected her at the same time.

"You'll always be my daughter," he said. "No matter what you are."


	28. Chapter 28

**CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT**

**Graduation**

Edward and I returned to my little house on K Street. I gathered the important things. Papers. Photos. My wedding album. My diaries going all the way back to sixth grade. These I put into a box that would go to the house in Kalaloch until we returned. I put my favorite band t-shirts, shoes, jeans, and sweaters into a large duffle bag. These I'd take with me. When he was in the other room I hid my vintage yard sale prom dress all the way at the bottom of the bag. This I'd wear for our wedding.

Edward went around the house, locking windows, emptying the refrigerator, and taking out the garbage. I sat on my bed and pulled a pillow into my chest, thinking. _Thanks for holding me these last few years_, I said silently to the house. _You were a great little nest but I'm happy to tell you, I'm not going to miss you._

I changed into my black power suit. This was the one I wore when I needed to kick ass. It was the suit that told the world, _don't fuck with her._ First impressions go a long way, I thought, even with someone who knew me as well as Jake. He needed to know I meant business tonight and would suffer no bullshit.

Edward came into my bedroom as I was looking in the mirror fixing my hair. He walked up and kissed the back of my neck. "I hate to say this, but you should take that off," he said, looking at my engagement ring. "At least until after graduation."

"I hate this whole hiding thing."

"I'm sorry, Bella. It's just how it is. Wear this instead, okay?" He picked up the bear fetish from my dresser and fastened it around my neck. I took my ring off and then held it gently, admiring it for a minute before slipping it into my pocket.

"We're going to need a bigger house," I said.

He smiled. "I'll build you any house you can dream of."

"I want a big storybook house with secret passages and crooked staircases and hidden rooms. A house you can get lost in."

"Consider it done. Now you just have to tell me where."

"By the sea, somewhere Charlie can drive to see me within a day."

"Sounds perfect."

I turned around and kissed him. "I love you," I said.

"I love you, too."

"Edward, I'm nervous."

"I know you are, sweetheart," he said, pulling me close. "What do you think? Should we run? Say the word and I'll take you to Reckoner right now."

"You would do that for me?"

"I would do anything for you. You know that."

"Even defy Carlisle?"

"Yes of course," he said. "Bella, I'd defy heaven and hell for you."

"I don't want to run," I said, feeling calmer. As much as I dreaded facing Jake, I knew it would be much worse to avoid him. My history with him, with his family, made me feel as though I owed him that much. "Running won't resolve anything."

"I agree," Edward said, and leaned in to give me a soft kiss. I kept my face close to his, my eyes half closed as I let myself linger, taking in his scent.

"I love when you kiss me," I said. "It makes me forget the whole world."

"I love kissing you." He lifted me up and sat me on the dresser. Then he kissed me again, very gently on the lips, and then again, first the upper lip, then the lower, then slipping his tongue into my mouth as my lips parted. We kissed like that for minutes, disappearing inside the space a good kiss makes. "You are the whole world to me, Bella," he said. "Never forget that."

#

The first person I saw at graduation was Red, chatting with my father on the edge of the parking lot. I looked briefly toward the school roof, where Edward stayed out of sight.

"Don't know how you did it, Chief," Red was saying, "but I knew you'd get a handle on the bears. I'm just glad you got it under control before today. Makes my life much easier."

"They shouldn't be a problem now," Charlie said.

"Looking sharp, Miss Swan," Red said as I approached them. Charlie nodded in approval and gave me a small smile.

"Thanks for being a great boss," I said to Red, shaking his hand. "I'll miss you."

Red put his arm around me and gave me a friendly squeeze around the shoulders. "I'll miss you too, Bella. Glad you came out. The kids are looking for you."

Over in the crowd of giddy seniors I saw Mike Newton, looking brighter, if subdued. Paige, Angela, Erik, and Jessica were all hanging out with him, talking animatedly, probably about whatever graduation party was planned for later in the evening. When they saw me they waved me over, and when I got there, Mike gave me a hug.

"I'm so glad you're here," I said to him.

"Me too," Mike said. "Thanks for being there for me these last four years, Miss Swan. I don't know what I would have done without you."

"It was my pleasure," I said, my eyes tearing up a little. I used to love my work with kids, but that all changed after I thought, incorrectly, that I'd fallen in love with one of them. Knowing the truth now was incredible relief, and I felt more relaxed around my students than I had all year. "You're a great human being, Mike Newton," I said. "I know you're going to do very well. Just trust yourself, you know? You've got a lot of important insight into things."

Mike looked at me curiously. "You really think so?"

"I know so. You pick up on things that the rest of us can't see. I want you to take very good care of yourself so you don't get depressed again. Will you do this?"

"I'll try," he said.

"You'd better," Paige said, squeezing his hand. So they'd finally gotten together. Good for them. The look on Jessica's face didn't register any kind of regret or jealousy. More relief, than anything.

"The Cullens are here," Angela said, looking at Mike for a reaction, who was more guarded than anything else.

Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, and Emmett walked over to where we were, very casual, as though it was two weeks ago and nothing had changed between us. Alice was the bubbliest, as she usually was, but tonight as she strode over in her cap and gown, I started to really understand her sweet, quirky pixie-like personality. According to Edward, Alice had absolutely no recollection of her human life and had always felt some part of her was missing. She seemed to always stay a kid, but not in some immature way. She was just eternally young. Her vampire family certainly loved her—they must have to suffer through a full year of high school just to give her an experience she'd always wanted. "I loved English, art, gym, and the dances," Alice told us after it was all over. "But I have no need to ever do that again. High school pretty much stinks as much as you all said it would."

"Congratulations on your graduation, Alice," I said as she beamed at us. She gave me a quick hug.

"Thanks, Miss Swan," she said. "I'm really excited. You all have to sign my yearbook!" She handed it to me and I laughed as I considered what the hell I should write.

"How is Edward?" Paige asked.

"He's okay," Emmett said. "He says congratulations to everyone."

"What happened to him?" Mike asked, without a tinge of hostility. "Is he in Alaska now? That's what everybody is saying—he freaked out, too, and got sent away."

"He'll be all right," Jasper said.

"Tell him I said good luck," Paige said. "Hope he gets into Dartmouth someday."

"Tell him I said goodbye," Angela said. "Actually, can you give him my email address at Stanford? I want to stay in touch."

"Mine too," Erik said.

And so all of the Thoreau club kids took turns signing Alice's yearbook and wrote down their email addresses for the Cullens to give to Edward, even Mike. My heart swelled, thinking of how much the kids really did love Edward and then again as I recalled, now in the proper context, how generous he had been with his attention and patience with each of them.

"I hear Mr. Banner is going to move back to Portland," Mike said sadly.

"I hadn't heard that," I said, feeling my stomach knot with guilt. "I've been out of town the last few days."

"I still can't believe after studying the bears all year long he got attacked by one," Erik said. "It's so unfair."

"He's going to be okay," Alice said. I was very relieved to hear this. "He's going to love Portland."

"He's from there," I said.

"This place just won't be the same without you and Mr. Banner," Paige said. "I guess that's the end of the Thoreau Club for good."

"Maybe another teacher will pick it up," I said. "I still think it was a great idea."

"I loved it," Angela said. "Way better than French Club."

#

A sudden chill went through me, something carried on the air, though it wasn't a scent. More like an electric current.

"It's Jacob Black!" Mike said. "Did you know Jacob and the Quileute tribal elders were coming, Miss Swan?"

"Yes," I said, taming the pitch in my voice. "I heard about that."

"We're going to go line up with the class," Alice said, a slight nod to me, as if to say, _stay cool, Bella_. "See you after I'm a high school graduate!" And then the Cullens turned and walked away like they were on a red carpet, which was the way they always walked, now that I noticed it.

Jake crossed the parking lot to where we all stood chatting. As our eyes met I could feel every hair on my body bristling like a cat spying a pit bull.

"Congratulations," Jake said.

"Thanks for being here," Mike said, shaking Jake's hand. "That's great of you guys to come."

"Come out to La Push this summer and we'll talk," Jake said. "We've got a specialist in indigenous dialects coming to talk to us about the Ani Tsa gu hi."

"I'd love that," Mike said. "Very cool."

It had seemed like such a good idea at the time to help Jake find the post-doc, someone who might be able to speak with the old man out at La Push. But now that I knew Jake might be able to communicate with the bears and learn about Edward killing the kermode, or Jasper killing one of their tribe, I worried.

"Hello, Miss Swan." Jake's voice was guarded, even as he smiled at me.

"Hey, Mr. Black," I said, trying to keep my tone light. "Thanks for coming to see the young Thoreauvians do the pomp and circumstance."

"I'm sorry about Mr. Banner," Jake said, turning his attention back to the kids. "I hope he's going to be okay."

"Me too," Erik said. "He's my favorite teacher."

At that point, Red walked over and corralled the kids back into line to get ready to begin the processional.

"Miss Swan, time to get started."

"Be right there," I said as the kids scampered off happily to join the rest of the graduating class. As soon as they were gone, Jake pulled me into a quick hug. "Are you okay?" he whispered in my ear.

"Of course," I said. I hugged him and then pushed away, cowering just a little as his eyes scoured me for any evidence of harm. "I'm perfectly fine. Better than fine. We'll talk all about it after the ceremony, okay?"

He nodded at me and over his shoulder I could see Carlisle, Esme, and Billy speaking, postures polite but guarded, voices in low tones. Carlisle looked over to where we stood and gave me the slightest acknowledgement. I half expected my phone to start buzzing in my pocket, but whatever Edward might be hearing, seeing or picking up telepathically wasn't enough for him to call. Good. Maybe this would go more easily than I thought.

#

"We'd like to honor Derek Banner as Forks High School's Teacher of the Year for the fifth year running," Red announced at the beginning of the speeches, right after all the seniors had walked into the auditorium and taken their seats. "For his dedication to the betterment of our students, for the extra effort he puts into every endeavor, and for his unwavering commitment to the Forks High School Community. This year's vote was unanimous. Most of us are aware of Mr. Banner's tragic incident with a bear this week. While he's recovering we send him our well wishes and prayers."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat in the faculty section of the auditorium. I felt terrible and I know Edward did as well, because he'd managed to pick up all of the uncovered costs of his hospital stay, and then Carlisle made a few other phone calls and got Derek a bed at one of the premier physical rehabs in Portland. Derek would leave Monday, and I would never see him again.

As valedictorian, Angela gave the speech on behalf of the seniors, a lovely reprisal of one of my favorite Thoreau Club debates.

"Classmates, we begin our adult lives during a time of great uncertainty. The world economy is in trouble. Our country is at war and has been for most of my childhood, and the very planet we live on is changing in ways we still don't understand. These are events that can color our future bleak and oppressive.

"Or I think we can choose to see these times, and ourselves, in a different light. We can open our minds and our hearts to the challenges before us and see them as doorways to new realities, futures where our aspirations, our dreams prevail. The challenges we face can break us, or they can transform us. Our hope lies in finding the opportunities that adversity presents, and in believing that at our core, we have the strength to evolve into the human beings we want to become."

I cried a little listening to Angela's speech, remembering the intense conversations about those ideas we'd had over the year. I felt gratified seeing the mark those discussions had made on her outlook, and my own. I fumbled in my pocket for a tissue and felt the engagement ring between my fingers and held it. And the tears stopped.

#

In the post-commencement high, there were a few more tears, more hugs to students and staff. And then I was pretty much done saying goodbye to Forks High School.

"Great speech," Edward sent as a text message. I knew he'd like it. He always liked Angela. I called him.

"I'm going to find Jacob and get this over with," I said. "Did you read his mind?"

"He's fucking with me," Edward said, irritated.

"What do you mean?"

"He spent the entire graduation picturing you naked."

"God, what an asshole."

"Exactly."

"Don't take the bait."

"I'm not," he said. "But it's not only infuriating, it's distracting as hell."

"Let me get this over with. I'll call you back, okay?"

"Okay," he said. "But I'm telling you right now, the next time I have Jacob Black away from human witnesses, I will be kicking his ass."

"Fine by me."

I walked out to the parking lot, over to the edge of the woods where Jake stood leering at me. I glared my most evil glare, which only caused him to smirk. Over by the picnic tables, the same tables where I'd had the strange encounter with Edward a week and a half before, Esme and Carlisle stood talking to Billy Black again. Carlisle gave me a nod.

"Are they settling the treaty then?" I asked Jake.

"No," he said. "Not until you and I talk, and I'm not talking to you where Edward can read my mind."

"He isn't here."

"Do you think I'm stupid, Bella? Really?"

"Shit." My phone buzzed again and I pulled it out of my bag.

"Put Jacob on," Edward said, and though I was reluctant, I did.

"I know who's out at your place," Jacob said. "But it doesn't matter, we still outnumber you… Well, your little gathering has drawn a lot of bears out in the last few days. I wouldn't doubt they'd be easily persuaded to rid the peninsula of you and all your kind."

"Please, Jake," I said. "Don't be a dick."

"The deal was I get to speak to her alone, without your interference. You agreed to that, right? Or are you afraid she'll come to her senses if you let her off her chain for a little while?"

"Stop it," I said, trying to grab the phone from him, and our slight altercation did not go unnoticed by Charlie, who walked quickly to where we stood. On seeing him, Jake handed me the phone.

"Don't be afraid of Jacob," Edward said. "He's just trying to manipulate you."

"I'm not afraid," I said. "But this is ridiculous."

"Is there a problem, Bella?" Charlie asked me, eyeing Jacob.

"No problem," Jake said. "We were just talking."

"I didn't ask you."

"No, Dad," I said, glaring at Jake. "But stick close by just in case."

"Since when do you let a guy tell you what to do?" Jake said, challenging me in front of my father.

"I'm not letting anyone tell me what to do," I said.

"Bullshit," Jake hissed, trying to keep his voice on the low side, but his anger fueled the heated delivery of his words. Carlisle gave us a sharp look and then I saw him answer his phone. Edward, no doubt. "The agreement was that you and I speak alone," Jake continued. "Until you come speak to me where Edward can't interfere, there's not going to be a treaty."

"Keep it down, Jake," Charlie said. "Or this discussion is going to be over."

"You have to re-establish a treaty," I said. "I don't want any problems between the Quileute and the Cullens, Jake. Not because of me."

"It's not about you, Bella," Jake said. "It's about them not keeping their word. Edward bit you and he broke the treaty. He isn't trustworthy. And now you're not being trustworthy either."

"That isn't true," I said.

"Why won't you come talk to me where he can't follow?"

"I don't want any trouble," I said.

"Who is going to give you trouble? Edward? The Cullens? Because if they do, I'll take care of them. Say the word."

"No, that isn't it."

"What is it?"

"I'm afraid you'll keep me from him."

"How am I going to do that? Please tell me, because if there's a way, I want to know what it is." I let out a big sigh and he took my hand in his.

"I need to check something." I took out my phone and called Edward.

"Here's the deal," Edward said. "Back at La Push, Sue, Leah, and Seth Clearwater are all waiting to talk to you with Jacob and Billy Black. They're staging an intervention." He paused, clearly annoyed.

"You're kidding," I said.

"Charlie doesn't know about it," Edward said. "They want to warn you about losing your eternal soul. And Jake wants to convince you to leave me for him. He's not going to agree to any treaty until he talks to you at La Push."

"Son of a bitch," I said. "I can't believe this." I gave Jake a dirty look. "Is he going to agree to a treaty if it doesn't work?"

"Yes," Jake said. "As long as I get the chance to make my case."

"He's telling the truth," Edward said. "I wish I could tell you he wasn't."

"Is he going to try to keep me against my will?" Jake rolled his eyes.

"He'd better not," Charlie said.

"No, not that I can tell," Edward said. "But if he does, he will be very, very sorry."

"What does Alice see?" I asked.

"She can't see anything," he said. "What does your gut tell you to do?"

"Run."

"Okay, I'll be right there."

"No, wait," I said, looking over to the place where Carlisle stood by Billy and Esme. Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie were near them but off to the side, watching as I mulled over what to do. "Why can't you just agree to a new treaty?" I asked Jake. "Why are you being so difficult?"

"I won't abide a treaty where their kind is seducing my people into their world under my nose, behind my back, that's why. For all I know they'll use us like a herd and feed my tribe to their party guests."

"That is such bullshit."

"How do I know that?" he said. "I never expected them to target you— especially when Edward knows how I feel about you."

One thing was certain. We needed to take the conversation out of the Forks High School Parking lot.

"What about all the bears at La Push?" I asked. "Derek just got attacked. What if they attack me, too?"

"Do you really think I'm going to let a bear anywhere near you on my reservation?" Jake said. "You are one of us and we are protecting them right now. They know they'd be hunted out of the area without us. They will never hurt you."

"It makes me nervous."

"You're a lot less safe around all those vampires out at the Cullens, trust me," he said.

"I'll go with you," Charlie said.

If a trip to La Push could put things right between the Cullens and the Quileute again, and if Edward hadn't read any devious intent in Jacob's mind, then there wasn't much reason to refuse. "I'm going to La Push," I said on the phone to Edward. "If you don't hear from me in an hour, come get me."

"He can't come on our land," Jacob said.

"He knows that will never stop me," Edward said.

#

Charlie drove me to La Push. The urge to tell him to turn the car around and forget this whole silly family meeting nonsense was nearly overwhelming, but I ignored it. I wouldn't be able to leave in peace with Edward without knowing that the Cullens were safe from the Quileute and that the Quileute were safe from the Cullens' vampire party. Jake wouldn't try anything stupid with Charlie there, and in my heart I didn't believe Jake would ever allow any harm to come to me. However angry or upset he was, he was still Jake. He was still one of my closest friends.

I got out of the car and walked towards the Black's porch, where the old Indian man was sitting. When he saw me he leapt over the railing and ran to me, more like a young athlete than an aging wanderer. Jake helped Billy out of his car and then jogged over to where we stood, surprised by the old man's behavior.

"He likes you, Bella," Billy said. "You haven't met him before, have you?"

"No, I haven't been here in months," I said. Something about the old guy made me soft. He felt like some old sage. The old man leaned his face close into mine and touched his forehead to my own, holding me by the shoulders. He lifted the bear fetish from my chest, holding it in his fingers and muttering something I could not comprehend. Jake gently pulled him away from me.

"That's enough, grandpa," Jake said.

"He's one of them, right?" I asked.

"Yes," Billy said. "An elder."

"He's got to be centuries old," Jake said. "He's phased back and now he can't or won't go back into bear form. We'll know a lot more tomorrow after Anna Marie gets here."

I shook his hand then, and he held it to his face, held his own weathered, wrinkled hand over it and smiled, tears in his eyes. Then he turned and hugged Jake and wandered off into the woods.

"Is that okay?" I asked. "Should we go find him?"

"He does that all the time."

"Let's get this over with," I said, waving to my extended Clearwater family, Sue, Leah and Seth, who waited on the porch. We all went into the house and sat around the Black's living room, quite a contrast from the Cullen's in its small size and with its well-worn, rustic furnishings. "First of all, I'm with Edward of my own free will. I have no idea how you expect me to prove it, but it's the truth."

"I don't believe he's controlling her," Charlie said.

Jake looked at Charlie and then back to me. "If he was enchanting you, you wouldn't have come here," Jake said. "I'll give you that."

"Well, you're not wearing your ring," Sue said. "Maybe that's a good sign."

"Ring?" Jake asked, raising his voice a little. "What ring?"

"You didn't tell Jake?" Sue asked.

"You're engaged?" Jake asked, his face beginning to turn red with anger. "Again? Already? Jesus, Bella, you don't waste any time. And I can't believe you didn't tell me—for the second time, too."

"I was going to tell you," I said, taking my engagement ring out of my pocket and slipping it on my finger. "I was waiting until we got here."

"You cannot marry Edward Cullen," Jake said. "No way."

"Yes, I can, and I will," I said.

"He's a fucking blood-sucking parasite," Jake yelled. "He has no soul, for Christ's sake!"

"That is such bullshit," I said, my face heating up with anger. "You don't know that, you can't say that."

"Everyone knows that," Leah said.

"Prove it," I said. "Prove that he has no soul. Better yet? Prove you _do_ have one."

"Humans do not marry vampires," Billy said. "It's against the laws of nature. They are from darkness."

"No way are you marrying a fucking vampire," Jake said. "Charlie, you can't let her do this."

"The Cullens are not normal vampires," I argued. "They are not human predators. Your whole tribe knows this—you're just jealous and angry, Jake. I get it. But you know what? I am not going to be caught in the middle of your little personal crisis, okay?"

"Fuck you, Bella," Jake said, and then stormed out of the house. Charlie tensed but didn't say anything, and Billy gave me a stern look. The room fell quiet as everyone looked at me for some kind of response. But I had none.

"Bella, you can marry whoever you want," Charlie said.

"She's in over her head," Sue said. "That's all. It's not her fault."

"I'm not in over my head," I said. "You met Edward, you can see he's a loving, caring man."

"I've met the Cullens several times now," Charlie said. "They are what they are, and I don't like it. But I know one thing for certain. Ephraim Black wouldn't have cut any deals with them if they weren't worthy of it. Right, Billy?"

"I don't like it," Billy said.

"That's because Jake's in love with her and you don't want to see him hurt," Leah said.

"He should have told me," I said. "If he loved me, he sure didn't act like it."

"He thought it wasn't fair to you to be the mate of an alpha wolf," Billy said. "You'd always have to share him with the pack."

"He should have asked me," I said. "He had a lot of chances."

"I know that," Billy said.

"We all told him that," Seth said.

"All right, I'm going to go find him and talk to him," I said.

"He's in the garage," Billy said.

"How do you know?"

"That's where he always goes when he's upset."

I walked out the back door of the house towards the garage, but stopped to call Edward.

"How did it go?"

"He believes you're not controlling me, but he's not happy about the engagement."

"You didn't expect he would be, did you?"

"Not really. It just sucked."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I know you two are close."

"I'll be leaving here soon."

"Good. Come home so I can hold you."

As I hung up, I heard a sound and turned. The old man was back, his face full of light, full of peace. He looked so happy that I wished I could ask him why. The closer he came to me, the more I felt it myself. I smiled at him, a warmth spreading from my heart out to my extremities as he drew near. He took me by the hand and spun me around, like we were dancing. Then he began to laugh, exuberant in his delight, and I started to laugh too. He pulled me into another embrace, leaning his head over my own, my skull locked under his chin as his arms wrapped around my back. He pulled back from me and then I saw, over his shoulder, five bears emerge from the edge of the woods. The old man pat my hair and smiled again. I pulled out of his embrace and backed a few feet away as I saw the other bears approach us.

"Jake?" I called, over my shoulder. "Jake! Bears!"

Then, grinning broadly, the old man phased into the most enormous bear I'd ever seen in my life. I turned to run to the garage, and saw Jake emerge from the door.

"Bella?" he said, his voice tense. "Bella run!"

Teeth grazed my back—the old man bear was grabbing me in his jaws. He lifted me right off the ground by my clothes and the fabric began to give. For a moment I thought I'd fall right out of my pants, but I didn't. Then he began galloping towards the woods with me dangling from his jaws.

"Jake! Help me! Help me!"

Charlie ran out of the house and I saw him draw his weapon.

"Let her go!" Jake yelled and leaped into the air, phasing into the big red haired wolf. He chased us, but the bear raced into the forest as fast as a vampire might. I twisted and clawed and pounded with my fists, but I could not make the bear drop me.

He carried me deeper into the woods. I could hear more bears following us and Jake snarling, following closely but not catching us. The bear accelerated again, faster than I would have believed possible, even for supernatural beings. Jake fell behind and when we had finally lost him, the bear dropped me.

I tried to get up and run, but he bent over me and pressed his paw gently to my throat, pinning me to the ground. I flailed as he held me there, but he didn't let up. He pressed harder and I began to get lightheaded, feeling the weight of him over me, the darkness encasing me, the smell of his fur, ancient earth.

Then it all went black.


	29. Chapter 29

**CHAPTER TWENTY NINE**

**Anyone's Ghost**

The breeze, the smell of moss and dirt and the dampness of the air told me I was still outside, even before I opened my eyes. Something soft lay against me, moving rhythmically, and I realized it was a belly rising and falling in the steady breaths of sleep. I reached my hand tentatively towards it and felt the soft pelt of an animal, a quick and steady heartbeat. Something next to it shifted and as my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I saw two black bear cubs, nestled into my side, and I held my hand over the heart of the smaller one. Not wanting to disturb their sleep, I moved very slowly away from them and then began to walk away quietly, but quickly, passing another black bear curled into a tight ball, fast asleep.

I had no idea where I was, other than alone in the woods, though I didn't know what forest it was. There was no moon and no way to see the stars through the thick trees and certainly not through the heavy clouds hanging close above. The air was cool and I was grateful it wasn't raining. I walked steadily in some direction I decided to call west, though I didn't really know.

The forest is a different kind of place in the middle of the night. It's quiet, but it isn't peaceful, and the soft, subtle movements you do hear score all kinds of dark fantasies. But that night I wasn't afraid of vampires or wolves or bears, or even ghosts, demons or devils. I was only afraid I would die out there and never see Edward again. That he'd never know what happened to me. That I'd never become his wife.

And so I kept walking. I walked all through the night, steadily in one direction. Unless I was headed due south, I would have to hit some major water body sooner or later, and if I could get that far, then I could find civilization.

Light filtered down through the canopy of leaves as the sun came up, but it was a dull, gray light. I would have appreciated a good dose of bright sunlight that day.

What had happened in my absence? Had Edward gone to La Push to find me? Had he fought with Jacob? Whatever ensued, at this point Edward was probably out looking for me, perhaps even somewhere nearby. With that thought, I walked faster, picking my way deftly through the underbrush, rocks and stumps of fallen trees. I crossed several small brooks where I was able to drink. I watched for signs of unwelcome visitors, bears at the top of that list, but crossed paths with none. I walked all day, but I there was no sign of Edward, nor any vampire. There was no sign of Jake either. When darkness came again I stopped but I did not sleep. Instead I dreamed with my eyes open.

A flash of white played in the dark, flitting in and out behind the trunks of distant trees. Not an animal, there was no sound to it at all, though it had form, no substance. Not a ghost, though at that point even a ghost might have been a welcome sight. This, I was certain, was a spirit. A spirit bear. But she came no closer. I began to walk again, in her direction, but I never reached her. I followed her the rest of that dark night.

#

On the second morning, I welcomed the warmth of sun, saw the rays of light breaking through the cloud bank, down through the canopy of leaves. I came to the top of a steep hill. If I could get to the top of one of these tall trees, I might be able to see for miles, and maybe I'd be able to tell if I was anywhere near civilization.

I'd never been much of a climber, but decided to try. With some height, I might get a decent view of the valley below and get some idea of where I should head. I reached for the lowest branch of the nearest tree, but it was too high. I looked for something I could step on, but found nothing that would work. The big enough rocks were too heavy to move, and the fallen limbs of trees were not thick enough. I leaped into the air a few times but couldn't jump high enough to reach it. I surveyed the nearby trees but couldn't find one positioned as well for viewing the valley.

Then I remembered how Edward had climbed the tree on Sucia Island by pulling himself up the trunk by his arms and thigh muscles. I grabbed hold of the trunk tightly, the bark pressing painfully into my palms and forearms at first, but then I got a good hold and was able to scramble up to the first branch using my thighs and gripping the trunk with my feet and hands. I wasn't as fast as Edward, and certainly not as graceful, but with effort I was able to climb from brach to branch slowly all the way to the top.

I rested in the crown of this old conifer looked out over the valley. From here, the sun and shadows of the hills told me I'd been heading north, not west. There was a massive river bend to the north. I wished I'd had my wilderness map, a compass, something to help me identify this location. It looked distinctive enough, familiar even. This had to be either some part of the Sol Duc or if I was further south, maybe the Bogachiel. But I didn't recognize it, and I didn't see any buildings, no sign of civilization anywhere. No campsites, no tourists, no cars, no roads. Just endless nature. It was magnificent. And daunting as hell. I looked to the south, down in the valley and back to the north, trying to decide which direction I would head in next. Downriver, I decided. That would be my best bet.

Then below in the valley something glinted, brighter than the water's surface in the sunlight, like someone held a large mirror to the sky. It had to be a few miles away. And then I saw another, a sunspot just like it, and then moving like light itself over the river. And then I saw another further to the north, moving rapidly along the riverbank. Could it be the Cullens?

"Here! I'm up here!" I yelled as loud as I could, realizing that with the wind and the distance there'd be no way they could hear me, even with their superhuman hearing. But I yelled again, "Edward! I'm up on the hill!"

I saw them all converge. There were more now, maybe ten all together. I suddenly hoped they really were the Cullens and not some other vampire coven that had come out to frolic in the sun away from the usual tourist spots.

Climbing down was a lot harder than going up, and every time I looked down I became dizzy, making the whole ordeal twice as dangerous. I was certain I was losing them, that they'd search in the wrong direction and that when I finally reached the river bank they'd be long gone.

In my haste to reach the ground my foot slipped and slid down the trunk of the tree. I reached out for a branch to stop my fall but missed and tumbled hard, crashing through several weaker branches below. I felt a rib crack as it made contact with a large limb before I went into a terrifying freefall. I landed with a sickening thud on the ground, into a broken heap.

#

_Breathe, keep breathing, Bella_, I said to myself. In—two, three, four. Out—two, three, four. I couldn't inhale too deeply because something was wrong with one of my lungs. I was lying on my back, one arm bent beneath me. I knew it but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel my legs. The parts of my body I could feel hurt so badly I had to fight myself from having another out of body experience. I was afraid if I did I wouldn't be able to come back this time, and I had to live until Edward found me.

I couldn't yell because I couldn't take a deep enough breath, but I could make noise, so I kept saying their names. Edward, Alice, Carlisle, Edward, Edward, Edward. They would hear me if they came close enough, and it wouldn't have to be all that close. Jasper, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie. Edward, Edward, Edward. Please find me. Please find me before I die. Please.

Saying their names like this made me feel panicky and panicking wasn't going to help me live longer. I needed to keep making noise, though, because it would help Edward find me. I began to sing, faintly:

_And the Lord, he made us fools_

_The prettiest of fools, oh lord he did_

_Stand here holding all the rain_

_Can you hold it through the years?_

_Open up your fantasy and ride your darkest fear_

_Baby I will get us home._

(_Lyrics mis-remembered from the song Fantasy_ by Family Band)

And though I was still in pain I now felt more hopeful, as though the song itself had reached right into my soul and calmed it like a frightened child. My thoughts were no longer racing and my heart rate was slowing down. I sang it again, from the top, and when I finished singing it the second time, I realized I was no longer alone.

#

"Isabella, what kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into now?"

It had been more than five years since I'd had the comfort of that voice, both loving and lightly admonishing, but nearly always amused. Zachary knelt beside me.

"Zack," I said. "I can't feel my legs."

"I know," he said.

"Am I dead then?" I asked. "Is that why you're here?"

"You're caught up in the middle of something pretty big, Bella."

"What am I going to do?"

"Do what you have to do, babe."

"I don't know what that is. Do I let go? Do I fight?"

"I can't tell you that," he said. "Only you know that."

"Can I leave with you right now?"

"I'm not going anywhere." He smiled like we were having a private joke and with my one arm that wasn't broken, I reached for his outstretched hand, but instead waved through the ether where he'd been.

"Zachary, don't leave me here alone," I cried, but it was too late. He was already gone.

But he didn't leave me alone.

Before I could see them, I could feel their gaze, at first some distance off. I could smell them, clean but heavy like the earth. They lumbered slowly toward me and I prayed, please God, don't let them try to move me. That might really kill me.

I lay still, staring up at the leaves, watching them turn over in the breeze. I was quiet now and tried to think how I might communicate with them not to touch me. I was fairly certain I was bleeding internally. I didn't know about the condition of my neck, but it was likely my spine was badly damaged. I just wanted to lie still and breathe as long as I could hold out, hopefully until I could see Edward and he could change me, or at the very least, so I could see him one last time before I died.

Then a group of six naked men and women approached me. One young man bent over me and I gazed at his kindly, concerned looking face.

"Please don't touch me," I said. "I'm very badly hurt."

He reached down and carefully pulled my left arm out from under my back and I cried out. Then he pointed to my engagement ring and said some words to the others in the group. He lifted the bear fetish from my neck and inspected it. The men and women circled me and began chanting something sorrowful. Perhaps a funeral rite, I thought. But I was determined not to die. Not yet.

Then the man slowly straightened my limbs, one by one. I gasped and cried out again as I began to experience a sensation like an electric current running through my veins. I could feel my toes and fingers again. I had a spike in my pain but at least could feel every part of my body now. I drew in a slow, deep breath and felt a sharp jab in my lung that turned to a dull ache.

Their voices grew louder, less sorrowful, more powerful as I felt my pain intensify. I throbbed from head to toe. I moved my feet and then my legs, my fingers and hands and arms. I hurt but I could move now. I turned my head from left to right, slowly.

The tribesmen and women never spoke directly to me, but their voices turned to a clamor of debated positions. They were making a decision, and that decision was to take me with them.

They pulled me gently to my feet, but I could barely stand without feeling as though my bones would crumble to dust. The largest of the men gently picked me up and I groaned again as pain ripped through my core. A woman took my hand and held it and I felt heat radiating from her through me, soothing the edge of my discomfort. Then we began to walk, slowly, towards the river.

As we picked our way carefully down the side of the hill, I looked to the south, downriver but could no longer see those points of sunlight flitting along the riverbank. My heart sank. Maybe I hadn't really seen any vampires at all.

I worried I might pass out again from the pain of being carried and was relieved when one of the women motioned for us to stop as soon as we reached the river. I was laid out on a bed of leaves and two women brought me cool water in their cupped hands to sip, but drinking was difficult. I sputtered and coughed and my lungs hurt. Another man came back with the root of some plant and motioned I should chew on it. In my teeth it tasted faintly of licorice and dirt. I hoped it would dull the pain.

They sat down on the ground, closer to the riverbank and began to talk, some intense discussion I couldn't follow. I felt myself fading again as the pitch of their voices rose. I could tell they were arguing, and then they were gesturing with their hands and looking over to where I lay, their eyes full of worry, perhaps fear. Then they turned their attention to something across the river that I could not see or hear.

I tried to lift myself onto my elbows so I could look when I was suddenly lifted, very gently, by cold hands that I would know anywhere. My eyes closed in a silent prayer of gratitude as I caught and stifled a sob in my throat. I opened my eyes and saw Edward's silent, worried face looking intently at me, and though I was overcome with unbearable pain, I managed to stay very quiet as he whisked me off into the woods.

#

My heart sputtered and then raced as I felt his arms, strong and protective around me, cradling me as he tore off into the brush, away from where the tribesmen and women had been distracted, now I assumed, by the other Cullens. He looked upset as he glanced down, still running as fast as I'd ever seen him run.

"Bella, you're hurt," he said. "How bad?"

Despite the ringing in my ears, I could hear the frantic rustling of underbrush behind us, the grunts and roars of the tribe, now back in bear form, as they chased us through the woods. "They're coming, Edward. They're coming." I was so weak now I could barely whisper it.

"I know. I'm going to outrun them. If I can get us to the water, we can get away."

"Edward, I think I'm dying," I said, weakly.

"Did they hurt you?" His voice was tense with worry.

"I fell from a tree," I said. "I broke nearly every bone. They found me and put my body back together but the pain, Edward. It's so bad I don't know how long I can stand it."

"Okay," he said. "I can hear your pulse, it's weak but it's steady now. Are you having any trouble breathing?"

"Some," I said.

"As long as your heart continues to beat we're okay. I'm going to turn you as soon as we get away from them."

"Can you turn me now? Before it's too late?"

"No, Bella," he said. "There are at least ten following from what I can hear. I can't fight off ten bears alone and protect you. I've got to keep running."

"Where are the others?"

"On the other side of the river," he said. "We were tracking you."

"I don't know how much time I have." I was too weak to even cry. I could not stand the thought of dying in his arms, though if I was going to die, there was no place I'd rather be. My eyes closed and I felt myself begin to detach from the pain, from the physical form that housed me. The hyper speed of Edward's running made my bones, my insides feel pulverized. I tried to concentrate on that pain, to anchor myself to it, to stay in my body as he drove us ever faster into the unforgiving forest.

"You've got to hold on, Bella," he said. "Please hold on."


	30. Chapter 30

**CHAPTER THIRTY**

**Lobo Rey**

All the leaves, the bark of the trees, the underbrush, and the air swirled around me, invaded me. The intense pain from my broken bones made speech nearly impossible. All I could do was will my heart not to stop. I felt like I was bleeding internally again, like I had become nothing but blood and dust all mingled inside a sack of flesh and that there was just no way my form was going to hold. I was withering, right there in Edward's arms as he ran faster, now faster again to the north.

Behind us I heard more bears, and then more, rolling up on us like a thunderhead. Edward was fast, but carrying me in his arms slowed him down. I thought he should leave me behind and save himself. Maybe the bears would spare me, but I knew if they caught us they'd never spare him. I prayed that Edward might hear my thoughts, but if he did he said nothing. I couldn't hear his, though I could guess what they were—don't die, Bella.

"Come on, Bella," he said, as I felt my pulse grow fainter. "Stay with me. Please."

"It's Edward! He's got her," I heard Emmett's voice, booming from a distance. "They're headed north."

"Run!" Edward yelled. "Don't follow. We're outnumbered."

But no sooner had Edward said it than I could sense the presence of the Cullens, a cold blast of air coming toward us from the east. "We can't fight them off," Edward called out to them. "There are too many. We have to run."

"They're catching up, Edward," Emmett called, now closing in on us as we continued our race to the north. "We're going to have to fight."

"How many vampires do we have?"

"Twenty," I heard Carlisle's normally cool voice strained. "But the others have to find us. They were all tracking to the east of here."

"There are nearly twice that many bears following now," Jasper said. "If we fight before too many more arrive we have a chance."

"She's fading, Carlisle," Edward said, his voice pained.

"Stop here and change her and we'll fight them," Emmett said. "Don't take the chance. We'll defend her."

"If we're defeated and she stays human she has a chance. If I change her they'll destroy her with the rest of us."

"We have to fight," Emmett said, jumping over the trunk of a downed tree.

"They're getting closer," I heard Rosalie say from a little further behind. "What's the plan?"

"Keep running," Edward said. "Run until we have no choice. Where are Alice and Esme?"

"Searching for the others," Carlisle said.

And so we all continued to run through the forest together, Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie behind us in a defensive line. We ran so fast that I could hear the trees moaning as we passed. The trampling of the undergrowth, the scampering away of wildlife felt like a runaway forest fire was coming through, and we were the beacons of its destruction.

"They're too close," Rosalie said, a little panicky. "Emmett, they're too close."

Then like a wave breaking on a rocky shoreline, the bears were upon us. I quailed as I realized just how many there were. Bears were everywhere.

"Make a perimeter around Bella," Carlisle yelled. And I saw Carlisle, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie wheel about us, forming a protective circle.

Edward looked at me with grief in his eyes. "Carlisle!" Edward yelled, checking my vitals. Carlisle was at my side in an instant.

I heard a sound like a boulder crashing to the ground. "Emmett!" Rosalie screamed as a bear knocked her off her feet. Emmett gave a terrifying roar as he and Edward leaped to her aid.

"Don't let two of them get hold of you at the same time," Jasper shouted. "Evade! Evade!"

"Keep breathing, Bella," Carlisle said to me, gently straightening my limbs as he crouched protectively over me. I cried out in agony as he aligned my arms, my legs, my neck. Behind us I heard trees being broken, the sharp sound of kicks, punches, bodies colliding and the intermingled grunts and moans of pain from the battle steps away. "You can heal," Carlisle said, insistently, commanding me with his eyes. "I've seen you do it before. Concentrate."

"Don't let me die," I said, tears in my eyes. "Turn me, Carlisle. Please turn me before its too late."

"You'll be too vulnerable," he said. "Edward is right. Your hope now is to stay human."

"Don't let me die. Please don't let me die."

"I swear to you I won't, Bella," he said. "Just breathe. You've got to concentrate."

I tried to do as he directed, tried to will my mind to heal my body by concentrating on my breath and the warmth of the daylight. I tried to block out the terror that took place just steps away and think about the light. I sent heat into every part of me and then I could feel it—healing energy. It was still painful, but I could also sense that I was coming back together. I would be whole again. I would be whole. I fucking insisted I would be whole. For him.

"Edward, over here!" Jasper called, and then there was the sound of breaking bones and the agonized cries of a gravely injured beast.

"Don't drink their blood," Edward yelled. "You'll get distracted."

I turned my head and saw Alice and Esme run up to us with Tanya, Peter and six other vampires from the party.

"They're all we could find," Alice said to Carlisle. "We can't last very long out here," she said.

"We've got to run," Tanya said. "It's our only chance."

"We can't outrun them now," Carlisle said getting to his feet.

"Leave me," I said. "Save yourselves. You can't let yourselves be destroyed out here."

"Oh God, Jasper," cried Alice. She ran to where Emmett and Edward were pulling a bear off of Jasper while another pawed at his legs. With a ferocious howl, Alice nearly severed the bear's head with a sharp blow and a tearing bite. But as fast as the bear was dispatched, two more closed in on her. Esme flew at them, a mother enraged.

"We're not leaving you here, Bella," Carlisle said. "Tanya, stay with Bella until I can get Edward out of there. If we can give them more of a head start then we can disperse and lead them away."

Carlisle leaped onto the back of a large bear headed for Esme and jerked its head to the side, snapping its neck.

There was a loud, crackling sound that I thought might be thunder from a coming storm, but it was a tree breaking in half as Emmett was thrown into it by two bears. It was falling right toward me, but Tanya caught it and pulled it to the side at the last moment. A bear charged us and reared on its hind legs over me, and I braced myself to be crushed under its weight. Then Edward roared as he tackled it. He sank his teeth into its leg and I watched a river of bright red blood arc into the air as he let go. He came to my side. "I've got to get you out of here," he said. "How much pain are you in now? Can I move you?"

"Your family," I said. "They can't hold out against so many."

"We'll all run together. We've got to get to the water—we have the advantage there. Are you strong enough to ride on my back?"

"If you bite me but just inject me with a trace of your venom, won't I get a boost?"

"I can't risk doing that here, Bella," he said. "Not now."

"Okay, carry me on your back," I said. He helped me sit up. I moaned in pain, but I at least I now had the strength to sit. Tanya stood before us, protectively as the rest of the vampires continued to fight the bears several feet away. Two bears emerged from the underbrush and took us by surprise. One jumped on Edward and tumbled with him, carrying him several yards away. Tanya pulled the bear off of Edward, only to be pinned by the other, whose massive jaws clamped down on her thigh.

"No!" Edward yelled. There was a horrifying squeal, like metal plates being torn apart, as the bear ripped Tanya's leg off. Edward grabbed the bear's head by the ears and smashed it into a large rock. But as he did, the first bear began to twist Tanya's head off.

"No!" I screamed. "No!"

Tanya's arms began to flail and her face cracked like dry earth in the hot sun until her body stopped moving. Edward flew onto the bear's back and crushed its skull. Another bear leaped over them and came straight toward me. Edward charged it and threw it into a tree.

"We're not going to make it," Rosalie cried. "We're not going to make it!" Edward gave her a desperate look and I felt hope retreat.

And then I heard it, along with everyone else. The fighting paused for a beat as we all registered the distant howling, eerie and foreboding. Jake.

"The wolves are coming," I said.

The howl grew louder, siren-like, more terrifying as it drew as it near. The other vampires looked frightened as they heard it, as if they all recognized that this was the war cry of Jacob Black, legendary vampire hunter.

"We've got to run!" Peter cried. "It's the wolves—we're done for."

Then I heard Emmet yell, "Edward look out!" Three bears attacked Edward as he was distracted by the noise, one pulling on his arm, another his legs.

"Edward!" I screamed.

Carlisle jumped on one of the bears and fought to pull it away. Edward broke free but then two more bears turned on Carlisle, one trapping him against the trunk of a tree while the other grabbed his neck in his jaws and began to crush it. Edward was fighting off two more bears as the other vampires continued defending.

Then with the force of a tornado, the wolves came pounding in, fur bristling, teeth bared. Jake was out in front, now larger than the largest bear among them. He ran to Carlisle and bared his teeth at the bears who held him as the other wolves lined up behind him. Jake growled and snarled and the pack followed suit, pushing the bears back as the vampires took cover behind the wolves. Carlisle realigned his own neck, still somewhat dazed and then stood up and said, "Thank you, Jacob."

"What the hell is going on?" I asked.

"He's getting the bears to stand down," Edward said, coming over to me. And it was true, the bears had stopped their attack. The silence of the woods seemed to swell as the melee subsided.

Then Edward turned sharply to Jake, as though he'd been asked a very hostile question. "Yes," Edward said. "But it would have killed her—and me. I had no choice." Jake growled viciously at him.

"What is it?" Carlisle said.

"The kermode bear that I killed at Lake Crescent," Edward said, now distraught. "Jacob says it was their spirit guardian. They believe she was their direct link to the next world."

"Oh, my God," Carlisle said. "Edward—no wonder you were so affected by its blood."

"It's worse," Edward said. "One of the bears saw Bella run from me when I killed her—they think Bella is her, phased into human form."

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"They think I've stolen you from them."

"But they're wrong," I said. "We have to tell them. Jake, you have to tell them."

"This is very primitive communication, Bella…" Edward put his face in his hands briefly, then looked up at me. "Jake got this information from someone—some translator—back at La Push."

"Jake," I said. "You have to tell them I'm not her."

"He can't explain anything to them right now," Edward said, looking ill. "Bella—they think you're Jacob's mate. He told them you were marrying him so they would bring you back to La Push. That's probably what the tribe was doing when I found you."

"What? No," I said. "No."

Jake turned and came to where we were. He walked up to Edward and drove him several steps back from me with his head. I expected Edward to argue or push back, but I could see him restraining himself and backing off. Then Jacob came to where I sat on the ground and stood over me, protectively.

"No!" I said to Jacob.

"Bella," Edward said. "Jacob can't keep the bears from attacking unless they believe you're going to marry him and unify the two tribes. They believe he's going to be your husband and their king."

"Tell them no," I said. "It's not true."

"Jacob," Edward said. "You need to phase and explain it to her."

Jake arched his neck over me, possessively. The bears backed further away, cautiously as the rest of the wolves closed the circle around the vampires who stood near us. Jake phased and crouched over me, naked. I began to cry.

"What the fuck did you do?" I yelled at him.

"What the fuck did I do?" he said, furious. "What did I do? I just saved your fucking blood suckers, that's what I did. And you're welcome."

"Don't be an asshole," Edward said. "She's in a lot of pain."

"What the hell happened to her?"

"I fell out of a tree," I said.

Jake shook his head at me. "Why didn't you tell me what he did?" he demanded. "Do you have any idea the consequences of this?"

"How the hell could we know that?" I yelled back.

"Do you understand how evil an act it is to slaughter and drink the blood of a spirit animal? Do you know how lost these beings are now? They will never stop hunting you."

"Explain that they're wrong," I said. "I'm not some spirit animal, or whatever the hell they think I am."

"Yes, I can see that," he said. "But that doesn't mean they will."

"So what the hell am I going to do?"

"You're going to marry me," he said. "Or else they're going to take you back into the forest and wait for you to phase into a bear and I have no idea what they'll do to you once they figure out that you're not her."

"What about Edward? What about the Cullens?"

"They'll kill them and I can't do anything about it unless the Ani Tsa gu hi believe I'm going to be their leader. The only way I can do that is if you marry me."

"Edward?" I said, desperate. "What do I do?"

"You're going to ask him?" Jake said, furious. "After what he's done?"

"Bella," Edward said. "It's okay."

"It's not okay," I said, crying. "They can't kill you. I can't handle that."

Edward moved to comfort me but Jake glared at him.

"Don't come anywhere near her if you want to live," he said, and as he spoke, I noticed the bears back on their haunches again, ready to attack. Edward stood still, his eyes pained as he looked at me.

Sometimes in the face impossible circumstances, you begin to understand that your will and your desires mean nothing in the face of your destiny—they are only agonies burdening you on the path to the inevitable.

I recalled vividly that night at Lake Crescent, when I provoked the spirit bear and Edward killed her to save my life. Now, for this, he would not be mine. I would not be his. But by my own hand in this moment, he would live. That much I could do.

"It's your call, Edward," Carlisle said.

"No," I said. "It's mine."

"Bella," Edward said, looking into my eyes. It was all he had to say. He, too, understood what had to be done.

"Do you promise you can get Edward and his family out of here safely?" I asked Jacob.

"Yes," he said. "I promise."

"Okay," I said. My heart, which had been weakened by my fall from the tree, strained by the coursing adrenaline of my pain, now fell heavy inside of me and broke. "I'll marry you."

I couldn't look at Edward.

"Can you walk?" Jake asked.

"No," I said, my voice cracking.

"Let me examine her and see how far she's healed," Carlisle said. "I can align her again before we leave."

"Don't come near her. You have to leave for the city," Jake said. "Go to the north. My pack will go with you and protect you. We have no idea how many bears are involved but we know it's a lot more than this."

"You'd do that for us?" Jasper asked.

"I'm doing it for Bella," Jake said. My tears fell heavily as the vampires began to move off with the pack.

"Edward," I cried as Jacob lifted me off the ground. Edward reached for me, like he was going to take me right out of Jake's arms, but then stopped himself as the bears growled and shifted toward him.

"For her sake," Jacob said. "Don't get yourself killed."

"We go to Reckoner and sail back to Alaska," Carlisle said. "Without Bella."

I began to take Edward's ring from my finger to return it, but he shook his head at me, very subtly. The bears must have believed the ring was from Jake, I realized. Edward's eyes locked on mine then, like they had so many times before, and he tried to soothe me but I wouldn't allow it. I wanted to stay with the pain of this separation, because it was the part of him I could keep with me. Our silent conversation was only a moment but transmitted an eternity of longing. Our hearts mingled in that desperate space, making their final commitments. Saying their last goodbyes.

And then they were gone.


	31. Chapter 31

**CHAPTER THIRTY ONE**

**Parade of Beasts**

There are so many ways to describe pain. Stabbing, searing, blinding, dulling, numbing, defining, absolute, endless, infinite. Familiar. This pain had become so familiar I almost wanted to give it a name all its own, like it was some companion I'd always have by my side. When it came on strong, it tapped into every bad moment I'd ever experienced. As Jacob carried me back to La Push, through the darkening woods, I flashed back to Arlington cemetery, Zack's coffin, the folded flag on my lap, the tears and shoulder pats from concerned family and friends. And then I flashed back to Edward leaving my house in Forks, just two weeks ago, when I thought I'd never see him again. And then over and over, I relived the moment he left me in the woods with Jake, defeated, the haunting agony in his eyes as we parted. The pain closed around me, a suffocating wave stranding me in the cavernous gloom left behind in the flight of my hope.

"Are you awake?" Jake asked, his anger subsided, his concern obvious.

"No," I said with my eyes closed.

"Are you still in a lot of pain?" he asked.

"No," I lied, tears now leaking from the corners of my eyes.

"Let's rest for a few," he said. "I'll phase and see how far the pack has gotten with the Cullens." He sat me down on the ground carefully and I curled into a ball and began sobbing. Jake put his hand on my back.

"I can't stop seeing Tanya's head," I said, shuddering. "It's a nightmare."

"She'll be okay," he said.

"Jake, you're delusional. Her head was torn off by a fucking bear."

"You have to burn a vampire to destroy it, Bella. They gathered all the pieces, so they can repair her."

"What?"

"You really don't know much about vampires, do you?"

"I didn't believe in vampires until last week," I said. "Sometimes I still think what really happened is that I went into a coma that night I overdosed and this is all some crazy dream I'm having."

"Don't even talk like that," he said.

"Let me run with Edward," I whispered. "Please, once the Cullens are out of harm's reach, let me go to him." I saw his conflicted expression through the blur of my tears. He looked behind us, over to where five bears had stopped and sat watching. They had been following us ever since the battle.

"I can't do that," he said, but not coldly. "If I let you run, it would be war."

"I hate them," I said, fresh tears stinging my eyes.

"This is not their fault," Jake snapped. "You don't understand—Edward crushed the spirit of their tribe when he killed that bear. If I send you to him now, the bears will war on the Quileute thinking I've robbed them just like he did. I can't do that. I won't."

"This is fucked!" I said.

"I know it's fucked. You think I want to marry you when you're in love with him?"

"What are we going to do?"

"We're going to be grown-ups and get married and fucking deal with it. There's a bigger picture here we have to consider now."

His words angered me, and that made me feel better, because being angry felt better than feeling dead. I stopped crying.

"Can you phase now and see if they made it to Port Angeles?"

"Yeah, okay," he said, and then he got to his feet, stepped several feet away.

"Jake?"

"What?"

"Thank you for saving Edward's life."

He paused and gave me a hard look. "You're welcome," he said.

#

After confirming that the Cullens had reached the city limits and that the pack were on their way to meet us, Jake phased into a wolf again and I rode on his back, my arms draped around his neck, my hands grasping at the soft, thick fur of his chest to help secure me. My hips ached, my own back was sore and my mind was still reeling from the terrifying events of the day, despite learning that Tanya would live, and that most of the bears could be healed as well. All the way to La Push we were trailed by first five, and then ten, and then more than twenty bears. They made me nervous, despite their respectful distance. The rest of the pack joined us, forming another protective line between us and the bears. Jake took it slow, picking his way carefully over the forest floor, then wading across the Quillayute River as we crossed into La Push.

It was late at night when we arrived and Charlie came sprinting over to us from the tribal council office where he'd been waiting for any word of my whereabouts. "Thank God you're okay," he said as he lifted me off of Jake's back and carried me in the direction of his cruiser. The wolves phased back as soon as Charlie had me in his arms, their fur disappearing into the naked flesh of mortal men and Leah, the only woman in the pack. They all disappeared inside the council office, except Jake, who walked alongside us toward the car. From up the road, I saw Sue come running toward us.

"Edward called and said you were on your way," Charlie said. "He said you fell out of a tree. I'm taking you to the Emergency Room."

"I don't need the ER, I just need to lie down so I can finish healing."

"What?" Charlie said, confused.

"Edward's venom gave her regenerating ability," Jake said.

"I could use some Percocet."

"No fucking way," Jake said. "Not a chance."

"Come on," I said. "It hurts like hell."

"Too bad," Jake said. "Charlie, don't let her take that shit."

"I'm not a child," I said.

"Okay, stop arguing," Charlie said.

"I'll do some healing work on you, honey," Sue said taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. "I can probably get some of the edge off that pain."

"Take her to my house," Jake said. "The Ani Tsa' gu hi need to believe she's my mate so she's got to stay with me."

"Damn it," I said, my voice cracking. "Dad, what am I going to do?"

"Bella, I don't know," he said. "We'll have to figure out what your options are but right now, I think you've got to do what Jake says. Where's that translator from the UW?"

"Anna Marie? She's still looking through our archives," Sue said.

"We need to talk to her to find a way to get Bella out of this mess," Charlie said. He carried me into the Black's house, into Jake's room and sat me on his bed.

Jake pulled on some jeans and a t-shirt and tossed me some sweatpants and a t-shirt of his. Charlie walked out of the room and I changed and got into bed. I was still very stiff and achy when Sue sat down next to me. She folded her hands in front of her and chanted quietly for a few minutes, then placed her palms, now hot with healing energy, on the top of my head.

"You're so cold," she said, looking gravely down at me. "You really came close this time, sweetheart."

I closed my eyes and felt the heat from her hands sinking down into me, from my skull down behind my eyes, into my neck and shoulders. I closed my eyes heard Charlie come back in.

"I want to talk to Edward," I said. "Dad, how long ago did you speak with him?"

"A few hours ago," he said. "They were setting sail."

"What the hell am I going to do?"

"Rest now," he said, taking my hand in his. "Then we'll sort it out, okay? First things first."

"You have to marry Jake," Sue said, moving her hands down to my shoulders, where they continued to radiate heat through me. "There's no other way—they'll take you as one of their own otherwise and when you can't phase, who knows what will happen to you?"

"We'll talk about it after Bella gets some of her strength back," Charlie said, pulling up a chair and sitting down nearby.

I rolled over in Jake's bed and stared out the window, now blackened by the dark night. How far had Edward sailed by now? When would I hear from him? Before or after I was Bella Black?

There had to be a way out of this, I thought. There had to be.

#

I slept hard, but still felt exhausted in the morning. At least most of my pain had subsided, and I now had the strength to walk. I got out of bed and crossed the room to the old stuffed chair where Jacob was sleeping, hunched over. I shook him gently.

"Why did you sleep here?" I asked. "You're going to have a stiff neck."

"You were having nightmares," he said, yawning and stretching as he stood up. "Just wanted to keep an eye on you."

"I don't remember them."

"That's probably a good thing."

We dressed, ate, and then went over to the tribal council office to meet with Anna Marie and members of the Ani Tsa' gu hi. Jake, Billy, Charlie, Sue, and Quil Atera Senior all sat around the conference table where several of the Ani Tsa' gu hi, now in human form, sat wearing old bath robes that I supposed were stocked in the tribal council office to be given to the wolves when they phased in cooler weather. They looked more like unlikely spa guests than an ancient tribe of indigenous people, sitting around in various styles of terrycloth and cotton. Then the old man, my abductor, came into the room stopped before me. I reacted with more fear than I would have expected, recoiling from him, now recalling how he'd nearly suffocated me several days before. Charlie stood up and stepped between us as the man began to speak to me in earnest, though I had no idea what he was saying.

"I don't understand, I don't understand," I kept saying to him until I felt tears of frustration welling in my eyes.

"Step away," Charlie said, and the man backed off and took a seat across the table from us. He would not take his eyes off of me.

A younger woman, tall and beautiful with shining black hair and palpable enthusiasm dashed into the room. "Is this her?" she asked, "Is this Hala?"

"Bella," Jake said. "This is Anna Marie Gladwell, the post-doc from the UW." Jake had explained that Anna Marie had been working with the Ani Tsa' gu hi all week to try to help locate me and to explain Jacob's claim that I was his intended mate. She was also a member of the Cherokee Nation, so she was particularly interested in the tribe, who were an ancient Cherokee clan.

"You've no idea how widespread this is," Anna Marie chattered after shaking my hand. "We're really onto something big here."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"As far as we can tell, this whole spiritual crisis is not just affecting the members of Ani Tsa' gu hi tribe here at La Push," she said. "We think we might be talking about the whole black bear population of North America. They are all descendants."

"What?" I was stunned by the heft of what she was claiming. Had I really been mistaken for the spirit guardian for an entire species?

"What about other bears? Grizzly? Polar?" Billy asked.

"No relation here," she said. "Affiliated, but not human in essence as far as we know. We're not sure about Pandas. They might be an Asian descendant of some sort. We haven't begun to research it but we have our suspicions."

"And they think Bella is some sort of spiritual leader?" Charlie asked.

"Yes," Anna Marie said. Then she turned to the old man and said something. He nodded and pointed at me. "Hamani says that you are his daughter, Hala," Anna Marie said. "He's never seen you as a human. He says you're very beautiful."

"I'm not his daughter."

"She's my daughter," Charlie said, irritated.

"It's a misunderstanding," I said. "You have to explain this to them."

Anna Marie scowled at me and then turned and spoke to Hamani for several minutes. Their voices rose in pitch, making me nervous.

"He says the cold one has stolen your memories from you. They still don't understand or approve of the Quileute treaty with the cold ones, Jacob."

"Too bad," Jake said. "My great grandfather established that many years ago and we honor it as long as they honor it."

"But the cold one bit Hala. See the mark on her neck there?" Anna Marie said. "Hamani says this is how the cold one stole Hala's memory of who she truly is."

"Well tell him it's not true!" I snapped at Hamani, now at the limit of my patience. He said something to Anna Marie, who shook her head and frowned.

"Bella," Billy said. "You're dealing in the world of legends now. The truth isn't the important thing here. The story is."

"That's right," Anna Marie said. "What they believe is their truth. This is what I'm trying to tell you."

"What the hell am I supposed to do with that?" I said. "I can't be something I'm not."

"Well you're going to have to try," she said, irritated. "An entire bear population is counting on you."

"I am not a bear, God damn it! Can't I take a blood test or something?"

"Hamani will allow you to marry Jacob and stay with him here at La Push," Anna Marie said. "But only if you truly love him. He doesn't want you to be unhappy."

I laughed cynically. "Are you kidding me? He has no authority over me."

"Do you love him?" Anna Marie asked. "Hamani wants to know. He's a little worried Jacob is just looking to consolidate power here."

"What the hell?" Jake said. "We've been protecting them on our land for months, and now he decides not to trust me?"

"What if I don't?" I asked.

"That's fine," Anna Marie said. "They'd prefer to take you out of here, but they'd like you to phase. Human form is more fragile in the wilderness and they want to move you back to the north. They feel they can keep you better hidden up in Canada."

"Okay, I've heard enough," Charlie said standing up, putting his hand over his gun, still in the holster. "Let's go, Bella."

"Charlie, no," Billy said. "Wait a minute."

"They're not taking her anywhere, Billy. This is my daughter we're talking about and I won't just give her up, I don't care if it is every last damn bear in the country who wants her."

"I need to speak to Bella alone," Jake said, standing up and taking me by the hand. I followed him to a small room down the hall and we stood across from each other, two nations poised over a nuclear warhead. The clusterfuck of my circumstances made me feel insane. For a moment I just wanted to go back to being pathetic, depressed Bella the high school counselor, engaged to the wrong guy, nursing an inappropriate crush on a student, and not this mistaken bear-queen Bella who was being forced into marriage with a werewolf in order to save her vampire lover and his family from annihilation.

Jacob and I sorted out our options. He couldn't let me run, I understood that and I didn't want to bring war on the Quileute. The reason he'd told Hamani he was my mate was to get me back before they discovered I wasn't a bear. He'd done this to protect me. It was the same reason he'd told the Cullens he was marrying me—so that they wouldn't harm me for fear of retaliation. But it had never been necessary with the Cullens. With the Ani Tsa' gu hi, it didn't even matter to them that I claimed not to be Hala. They just refused to listen to me. I railed at Hamani's stubbornness, his denial, his inability to accept the death of his daughter and then I caught myself. I knew his pain of loss—it was my own. How could I be so calloused? But I was still so angry at being in this position. My disappointment swallowed my compassion and I felt bloated and sick with my own resentment.

"Listen, I know that you love Edward," Jake said, looking down at the engagement ring I still wore on my left hand. His own pain was clear in the edge to his words, the look on his face. "But you need to consider your options here very carefully. I don't want to see you get hurt, and I don't want to see Charlie get hurt doing something stupid to defend you."

"How can you marry me knowing I want to be with Edward?"

"What are my choices? Marry you or let you get dragged to Canada to live in the wilderness with a pack of bears?"

"You're going to hate me for the rest of our lives if we do this," I said. "It'll suck."

"Well, you're going to hate me back, so at least we'll be even."

"What will they do if we don't get married?"

"I don't know, Bella. Hopefully they'll just leave, but they won't leave without you. I will fight to protect you, but I don't think we can win against so many."

"I do love you, Jake," I said. "You know that."

"I'm glad there's one memory Edward didn't steal," he said.

"But I don't want to marry you."

"I don't want to marry you either, Bella. But I will marry you, if it will keep you safe."

"I don't deserve that."

"Don't be stupid."

We walked back into the conference room. Hamani stood up and gestured to me to come near. I was really beginning to hate the sight of him.

"So?" Anna Marie asked.

"I love Jacob and I want to marry him and stay here with him at La Push."

"What does that mean?" Charlie asked.

"It means they're now the proud new leaders of an entire species of North American mammals," Anna Marie said. "Congratulations, Jacob and Hala."

"Bella," I said through gritted teeth.

#

We set the date for the wedding for a week from that day, Saturday. The day before Edward's birthday. It was too soon, I argued. There were things I needed to do to prepare. I needed a dress, a caterer, a haircut, I said. But what I really needed was time. Time to think. Time to figure a way out. But Hamani insisted the wedding take place before the new moon, and Jake did not want to make the Ani Tsa' gu hi anymore anxious or suspicious of his own intentions, and I knew one thing. Edward would come for me soon, before I was married, or he wouldn't come until the end of my days on earth.

"Why do you hate Edward so much?" I asked Sue as we were fixing dinner at her place that night. She paused over the coleslaw and let out a heavy sigh.

"He's not good for you," she said.

"He's a good person and he loves me," I argued.

"He's not a person, Bella. He's a thing of darkness. Whatever his intent, he cannot change what has been done to him and he should not take you with him to that fate."

"It's my decision," I said. "Not his."

"You've chosen wrong," she said. "Think of your father, Bella. Think of Zack. Imagine being parted from them and everyone you ever loved for eternity. Forever. That's what Edward offers you. Spiritual exile. For what? You can love many men. Why throw away eternity on just one?"

"You're wrong about him."

"Well, what if I'm not? Are you really willing to take that chance?"

"Let's not talk about it, then. I can't stand to hear you say those things about him. It breaks my heart."

"You've been through so much," she said, putting her arm around me. "Bella, I know what it is to lose a husband, you know? I know the pain you carry. And I also know this—you love Jacob, and if you allow yourself, you will get over Edward. In time."

There was no point in arguing with her. I knew she meant well, however wrong she was. Charlie and Jake walked in the back door of Sue's house with a cooler. Seth was pushing Billy up the sidewalk. Leah was setting the picnic table. We were all going to have dinner together, just like any other summer evening. Like it was all normal. But I felt far from normal.

"What's wrong, Bella?" Jake asked, looking at the expression on my face.

"Nothing," I said, my heart going softer at the sight of him.

#

I hadn't had any alcohol since the night of my overdose, so the first Rainier I had at dinner went right to my head. And it felt good. Real good. Too good. So I had another. And then another. And then I was putting the stereo on and convincing Seth to make margaritas and getting Leah to dance on the front porch with me, as I watched about seven curious bears just off the perimeter of Sue's property study us.

I spun drunkenly in their direction, awkward and out of time with the music. "Did you hear Leah? I am a fucking bear goddess," I slurred.

"You're trashed, is what you are." She laughed.

"I'm the biggest lie in the history of the indigenous peoples of North America, baby. I'm a god damned legend now."

I fell back into the railing and Jake came out and caught me by the arm just before I slipped down the stairs.

"Get me another beer, husband," I said, and felt slightly nauseous. "You're going to love being married to me, aren't you?"

"Let's go home," he said. "I think you've had too much already."

"No, I want another," I said.

"Bella, you're done," Jake said.

"You're not my fucking father."

"Charlie," Jake called into the house. "Bring me some water?"

My father walked out onto the porch, his face heavy with concern. He handed me a glass and I took a long drink and kept my mouth shut.

"You all right, Bella?" he asked. "Why don't you go lie down in Sue's room."

"I'm okay," I said. "I'll go back to Jake's and go to bed."

"Good idea," he said.

I stumbled down the stairs and Jake steadied me but I pushed him away from me.

"Don't touch me!" I said and he backed away from me a few steps. My outburst caused the bears who'd been off in the distance to come nearer. "Go away!" I yelled at them.

"Calm down," Jake said, putting his arm around me and steering me towards the road.

"Fuck you!" I hauled off and punched him for no reason at all, not even noticing how close the bears came to where we stood. I landed my fist squarely to his jaw and heard a crack, and wasn't sure at first if it was my hand or his face, but I didn't care. I just kept swinging. I hit him in the stomach, then I hit him in the chest, and then I kicked him until I realized he wasn't stopping me. He wasn't even defending himself. He was just taking it. "Fight back," I said, shoving him. "Come on. Hit me back."

"Are you done now?"

"Come on, hit me. Please?"

"No, Bella."

"This sucks."

I stumbled forward, cradling my hand, now aching from the repeated blows to Jake's upper body and felt fresh tears blurring my vision. I tripped again, this time over the curb and smacked my face against the post of Sue's fence on my way down to the ground.

"Holy shit," Jake said, leaning over me. "Let me see you." He moved his fingers tenderly over the spot where I'd hit. "You're going to have a black eye."

"Great," I said, crying. He pulled me to my feet and then lifted me in his arms and carried me down the dark road back to his house, three of the bears still trailing behind us. I wanted to lash out more, but it wasn't helping because he was being too nice. "Can you please, please be more of a dick?" I asked. "I really need to be mad at you right now."

"Sorry," he said, not even cracking a smile.

"Why? Why couldn't you have just told me everything last year? I was so in love with you then, you asshole. And you just blew me off. We could have avoided all of this."

"It wouldn't have mattered," he said, sadly.

"What do you mean?"

"You would have met Edward," he said, bitterly. "And you would have broken my heart anyway."

"You don't know that."

"Yes, I do," he said.

"Look," I said, and then paused. I wanted to believe that I was the kind of woman who would have honored a commitment to Jake, even in the face of Edward Cullen. But knowing about Alice's vision, could I really say that was true? Had I married Jake before I met Edward, would things have turned out any differently? I just didn't know. "I'm sorry, Jake," I said.

"Yeah, me too."

We arrived at his house and he carried me into his room and lay me on the bed. I kicked off my shoes and rolled onto my side and tried not to think.

"Do you have any tequila?" I asked. "I want to pass out."

"You don't need any tequila," he said.

I squeezed my eyes shut and stuffed my head under the pillow. Jacob left the room and came back with a tall glass of water and two Advil. I took them and then felt waves of nausea wash over me. But it wasn't the alcohol. I began to cry, my body shaking as I tried to control myself. Then I felt Jacob's warm arms encircle me, felt him press his face to the back of my neck.

"Please don't hate me," he whispered.

"I don't hate you, Jake," I said, turning around and hugging him back. His warm hands brushed the tears from my face, but his touch just made me cry harder. "I love you," I said. "I really do love you."

"But just not enough," he said. "I know."

#

In the morning, I lay alone in bed quietly, praying my headache would not last the whole day. I could hear hushed voices in the living room. "She just needs time," Sue was saying. "I do think Edward has her enchanted, it's their way, you know? Once she's away from him for awhile, she'll remember how much she loves you, Jake."

"It doesn't matter," Jacob said.

"She will get over him," she said. "Trust."

"Sue, it doesn't matter. I have to marry her whether she gets over him or not, or we'll never see her again."

"Do you think he will to try to come for her?" Billy asked.

"If he does he'll get himself killed," Jake said. "The Ani Tsa' gu hi are all over our lands and they'll never let him near her."

"What about our pack?" Billy asked. "Will they kill him?"

"They'd better not," Charlie said. "You know what that would do to Bella. It'd be Zack all over again."

"But if Edward gets her, he'll turn her, Charlie, don't you realize that?" Sue said. "She'll have no access to the next world. She'll be lost."

"Can you reach him?" Jake asked Charlie.

"Yeah, probably," Charlie said.

"Warn him then," Jake said. "Because there's no way he's not coming for her."


	32. Chapter 32

**CHAPTER THIRTY TWO**

**Dream On**

Even in my dreams there was rain.

In this dream the sky was dark and Edward was on Reckoner, straining to keep her in one piece as she pitched and rolled on dangerously high swells in the straight. Fog surrounded him in the shipping lanes. Lightning threatened him out on the open water. He set no course but followed a sign, the head of the white bear, Hala, as she swam out to sea.

"Hurry," I called out in my sleep. "We're running out of time!"

Jacob burst into the room. "What's wrong?" he asked, waking me. "Why were you yelling? Are you okay?"

"It was nothing," I said. "Bad dream. What time is it?"

"Almost one."

"Really?" I said, squinting at him through the semi-darkness.

"You need to get out of bed."

"No, I don't," I said.

"Bella, you've been laying in bed for most of the last three days."

"It's shitty out," I said, listening to the rain falling on the roof, pelting the windows.

"Get up," he said. "We've got some business to take care of."

"What business?"

"There's a prenuptial kind of thing," he said.

"What the hell? Like a contract?"

"No," he said. "More like an event."

"A rehearsal dinner?"

"Not exactly," he said. "The elders of the two tribes are gathering tonight. It's the formal creation of a new treaty between the Quileutes and the Ani Tsa' gu hi. Since you and I will be guardians of the new unified tribe we need to be there."

"I'm busy," I said, rolling over and sticking my head under the pillow.

"Get dressed, Bella," he said, dismissing me as he walked out into the kitchen.

I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and dialed Edward again, and again got his voicemail. "I love you—be careful. But hurry," I said. Then I hung up and dialed Charlie.

"What's up, Bells?" he asked.

"Did you ever reach Edward?" I asked.

"No," he said. "Carlisle said he was at sea, so he won't have any cell reception."

"Dad, when he comes for me I'm going to run."

"I know," he said.

"Will you forgive me?"

"Bella, you never have to ask me for forgiveness. But I'll tell you this. If Edward lets anything happen to you, a rabid bear attack will be the least of his worries."

#

The rain stopped sometime during my first cup of coffee and the sun came out as I sipped my second. Across the street, I watched three black bears lounge in the wet grass, staring at me like they knew me.

"Those were Hala's sister and two brothers," Jake said, coming out onto the porch. "Anna Marie says they feel very protective of you."

"They feel protective of me because they think I'm their dead bear sister. But I feel like I want to make them into bear rugs."

"You know, you could try for one minute to see this from their point of view," Jake said. "How do you think we'd all react if Edward had killed you instead of Hala? Do you have any idea what Charlie would do?"

"Edward would never kill me."

"That's not the point," he said. "He killed Hala and her family loved her as much as your family loves you. If Edward had killed you, I promise you he'd be dead by now."

"I know what happened to Hala was tragic," I said. "I wish I could take it all back, but I can't."

"You've been given a chance to make up for it," Jake said. "And all you do is lie around feeling sorry for yourself."

"Fuck you," I said. I hated the truth in his words, hated how he challenged my self-pity. "Don't tell me you're not pissed off about this—I know you don't want to marry me."

"Well, you're wrong," he said. He put his arm around my shoulders and kissed me on top of my head. "I just don't want to marry you while you're in love with my mortal enemy."

"It's like we're all paying for Hala's death in the most twisted way possible," I said.

"Karma is funny like that," Jake said.

"And you don't even deserve the payback," I said. "You had nothing to do with Hala's death."

"We all have our role to play," he said. "I suppose we'll see what mine is soon enough."

#

That evening Jake and I walked down to the beach, with Hala's bear siblings following closely behind. I tried to imagine them as they really were—a bereaved, somewhat confused family. Their eyes were kind but full of sorrow, like somehow they knew I could never be what they needed me to be, but still they hovered, protective and hopeful.

On the beach, the great orange light of the fire spread into the dusk, flickering across the faces of the tribal elders as they spoke in low voices. Hamani gestured to us as we approached, motioning to two empty places for us to sit.

"Vampires don't like fires," Jake said, taking my hand as we approached. "So we're big on those around here."

"Oh yeah? Edward made a fire on the beach the night he proposed to me," I said, twisting my engagement ring on my finger. "He didn't seem to mind it then."

"That's because there weren't any wolves around," he said, a hardness creeping into his words. "To rip him to pieces."

"Don't be a dick," I whispered. "I don't need to be worried about any wolves ripping him to pieces right now. I'm stressed out enough."

"Bella, if I really wanted Edward dead, he'd be dead already. You know that."

"You keep saying that like you've done me some big favor."

"I have," he said. "You have no idea the pressure on me right now to get rid of him."

Hamani and several more Ani Tsa' gu hi elders, still dressed in the thrift store robes from the council office, all sat in the inner circle, closest to the fire. Quil Atera Senior, Sue, Charlie and Billy Black were seated around the bonfire across from them, and the wolf pack members were there too, forming an outer ring with several bears. Seth came over to where Jake and I sat and said in a low voice, "No sign of him at all today, Jake."

I looked at Jake suspiciously. "You've been looking for him?" I whispered in his ear.

"You'd better hope we find him before they do," he whispered back.

Anna Marie came and sat on the other side of Jacob, and I noticed the wistful look she gave him as she sat down. He glanced at her and then took my hand in his. Her eyes rested briefly on Jacob's hand, clasped around mine.

"Are we ready to get started?" Jake asked her. She smiled at him and then I realized what was going on. She was into Jake. I felt strangely, suddenly jealous. I squeezed Jake's hand, causing him to spin his head to look at me. "What?"

"Nothing," I said, catching Charlie's gaze from across the fire.

Jake put his arm around me and I watched as Charlie kept his eyes on us, a look of concern mixing into his curious expression. I felt slightly sick as a myriad of opposing feelings erupted within me. I was angry at Jake and I was angry at myself that I felt at all possessive of him in the face of Anna Marie's obvious interest. I was anxious near to the point of panic about Edward's whereabouts and hopeless about how impossible it would be for him to get anywhere near me with all these shape shifters around. If the wolves found him first, Jake would never let him near me. If the bears found him? I didn't want to think about that possibility.

Hamani began to speak, making great gestures in the firelight, waving his arms, his voice strong but older than the stars. Anna Marie translated:

"It is revealed to us by the spirit that the Cold One sought entry to the hidden lands for his kind. Dark and undying, they are forbidden to enter the world of the eternal light. There is one entry on earth that is protected by our beloved sister Hala. Finding this, the Cold One tried to seduce Hala so that she would let him pass through. When she resisted, he subdued her with his deadly kiss. He drank her heart, stripped her of her spirit body, stole her memories and she sits here before us, in the cursed state of forgetting."

"What?" I said, indignant. "I'm not cursed."

"Shhh," Jake said, squeezing my hand. "It's just a story."

"Bullshit," I said. "These stories are dictating the course of my future."

"Can you please not interrupt?" Anna Marie said to me. "Some of this might be good for you to understand."

"You don't understand," I argued. "That's not at all what happened. I was there."

"Hala became a human and ran, confused," Anna Marie continued, ignoring me. "She fled her home, her people, and was found by the wolves. She then fell in love with the wolf leader, Jacob Black."

The pack members howled and clapped at the mention of Jake's name. He stared straight ahead into the fire and muttered, "See? Just a story."

"Jacob brought Hala to Hamani, who carried her back to her people. But she was cursed with forgetting, and she could not take her true form. Jacob demanded Hamani return Hala to become his bride. The tribe found her, broken beneath the great tree and healed her and carried her back to La Push. But on the way, the Cold One stole her and a great battle was fought.

"The Cold Ones were being defeated, but Hala, seduced by the Cold One's magic begged Jacob Black to spare them. For her, he did this and then banished them from the land.

"In three days, Hala and Jacob will be married, and the Ani Tsa' gu hi will join the Quileute in peaceful union. Jacob Black will become the great Wolf King, and Hala the Bear Queen. It is destined that the Wolf King shall protect the way to the land of the eternal light until the curse on Hala has been lifted."

"I'm not cursed," I protested again. "Well, not in the way that you think."

"Hamani has now foreseen that Jacob Black will kill the Cold One and steal Hala's memory back from him and return her to her true self."

"No!" I cried and stood up. I looked at Jacob desperately. "That's why you're looking for him?" Jacob was silent as he stared into the flames. "Answer me."

"Sit down," Jake said.

"Fuck you," I said, and walked away from the fire back towards the road. From the corner of my eye I saw Charlie get up out of his seat and I saw five bears come running up behind me, including Hala's siblings. I turned and they surrounded me. "Fuck you too!" I yelled and went to break through the circle, but I was blocked by a bear that growled and flashed big, glistening teeth, causing me to pause. I'd never been directly threatened by a bear before, and I wasn't about to be now that I was going to be forced into being a bear queen. "Knock it off," I said. "Let me by."

I turned to look over my shoulder and realized it was Charlie he growled at. Charlie had his weapon drawn, pointed at the bear.

"Don't move, Bella," he said.

"Dad," I said, "I think you're pissing him off. He's not going to hurt me."

"Charlie, don't," Jacob said, walking over to the standoff.

Just then, the biggest of the bears turned and took a swipe at Charlie, knocking him to the ground and I screamed. Jake phased into the great red wolf, the rest of the pack phasing in an instant and thundering over to where we were. Jake backed the bear right off of Charlie and the bear rolled to its back, showing Jake its belly like a submissive dog. Jake came and bent his neck possessively over me, growling until the rest of the bears backed away.

I sat down on the ground and put my face into my hands, feeling trapped and hopeless. I looked up at Jake and said, "You can't kill Edward," with tears streaming down my face.

Jacob took several steps back, phased back into a human and stared at me. Then he knelt in front of me, put his arms around me and whispered, "I'm not going to kill him, Bella, because I don't want to torture you. But if I thought killing him would bring you back to me? I would gladly end him."

#

I'd sought the relief of sleep, but instead found myself twisting, sweating, twitching in Jake's bed that night, alone with my worry in the dark.

"Is it karma then?" I asked the great white bear who appeared to me at the foot of the bed. "Edward and I are being punished for your death?"

Hala was every bit as beautiful as I remembered her from Hurricane Ridge in the fall and from Lake Crescent in the spring. Her white fur was like bright light, the shell pink of her small ears, the shine of her black eyes made her image glow. I felt as though I could touch her and make her real, like I could ride her to the sun and back.

Hala blinked at me and I began to see. She was walking in the forest with her cubs. She was taking shelter in the hollowed out trunk of an enormous tree. She was catching salmon in the stream. She was a formation in the stars above. She was cloud cover and dew in the meadow. She was standing now in the doorway, scratching her back on the molding.

She was roaring into the dark of night.

#

Edward would come for me by the water—it was the only way I could imagine him getting in. So when I woke up the next day, the first thing I did was walk down to the beach.

Hala's siblings followed behind. This morning they were so close I could hear them breathing. I could hear their foot falls in the sand. I almost felt like I could hear them thinking.

"Do you want to swim today?" I called behind me, but I knew they couldn't understand my words. I stood up and went over to where they sat curiously following my movement with their eyes. I reached a hand out and one of them gave it a small sniff and then a lick. I scratched him behind the ears. "I'm sorry," I said softly and felt my eyes brimming with tears. I looked out over the water and then back at them. "I'm sorry about Hala."

That they seemed to understand.

I took my shoes off, stood up and walked to the water's edge and put my feet in. The water felt electric, conscious. So different from how I felt in my heart. The temperature enlivened me. The smell cleared my head. I checked up and down the beach. We were alone, so I stripped out of my clothes and then waded out up to my waist. I turned around to see my bears watching me from where they lounged on the beach. I walked out a little more into deeper water and then dove in.

My body took over as my hands sliced into the sea, propelling me away from the shore. I swam forward, quick like a sea creature, enjoying how the gritty saltiness of the water stimulated my skin. Then I turned and swam back towards the beach. The bears hung out, watching me. I turned again and swam back out to sea, letting the smell of the sea clear my head, lighten my spirit, spark my hope back to life. Edward would come for me. He had to. There was still time.

"This brave new you is really making me work," I recalled his voice from my last swim with him and smiled.

I put my head under water and opened my eyes. The salt burned at first but then I adjusted to the sensation. I dove down, down to the bottom and then up again, surprised at how long I was able to hold my breath. I swam out a little further, where it was deeper, and then dove down again.

I swam powerful and fast, deep down to the ocean floor. It was so dark I got nervous and as I turned to swim for the surface, I noticed it was growing darker. A storm must be rolling in, I thought.

I broke the surface of the water and found myself surrounded by thick, gray fog. In an instant it must have rolled over, onto the cove, while I was under the water. I became disoriented. I was well past the breaking waves now and couldn't tell what direction the shore was in. I listened for the sound of the surf and tried to follow it, but it seemed to be coming from all around me. My heart began to race and I felt dizzy. I was panicking.

Breathe, I said to myself. I tread the surface of the water slowly, trying to calm down so I could reorient myself. Maybe I could wait the fog out. As long as I didn't get hit by a boat I'd be okay.

Then I saw something striking white, almost a glow against the gray fog. Hala's head bobbed several yards away, like a lighthouse on a nearby jetty. Our eyes met and she cocked her head in recognition, just like she did at our very first meeting back at Hurricane Ridge. Then she turned and started to swim. I swam after her, as fast as I could.

I swam faster and faster trying to catch her, but she always stayed out of reach. I should be hitting the breaking waves, I thought. I should be feeling the sand beneath my feet. Where was it? Was she leading me out to sea? I kept swimming until my arms and legs began to feel like lead. I filled my lungs with air and stretched on my back. Chasing Hala had worn my body out.

"This is it, then?" I called to her, my voice a little wild with fear. "Retribution? You're looking for revenge?" Perhaps I would settle this debt now for good.

Before my very eyes, Hala grew in size and and started to fade into the fog, becoming bright light inside the fog herself before dulling and disappearing. Then the fog started to roll off of me until it was behind me, but I could see no land—just the sea.

I had no strength left to swim, so I floated there, looking at the sky, my mind growing numb from the cold as it seeped deeper into my core. My limbs grew heavier, as I felt the sensation loss begin in my toes and fingers. I just kept trying to breathe, hoping a boat might spot me and save me.

Then I caught an unmistakable glint on the horizon.

Edward.

I'd never be able to swim that far, but I had to try, because if I'd seen him, then he'd probably seen me. I put my head down, thrust my aching arms into the water and began to stroke.

#

With each length towards Reckoner my body transformed itself from flesh, bones and blood to pure settling concrete. I was far, far from the shore now, but still not close enough to Edward. I was so tired I couldn't even see him anymore. I grew disgusted with my own weakness. I was going to die there and nobody would even know where to find my body. I'd disappear like Hala, into the fog. My poor father. And Edward—I couldn't endure the thought of leaving him this way.

I couldn't see Edward on the water now, and my hope slowly drifted out through my feet into the harrowing depths of the Pacific, taking all the lightness of my body, my soul with it. My form grew heavier, like it was being pulled from below. I struggled to keep my head above water as minutes passed that felt like days. My mind went blank and then my body just quit.

I slipped down, down beneath the surface. In one last attempt to not die, I held my breath and prayed Edward could hear my last thoughts.

"I'm so sorry," I said over and over in my head. Just in case. "I love you but I just wasn't strong enough."

"Don't you dare drown, Bella," I heard Edward's voice, clear and strong in my head. "Don't you dare."

As I felt myself sinking deeper, I tried to refuse the influx of freezing water into my lungs. He must be so close, I thought. Hold on. But the air slowly seeped out of me and I had nothing left to fight with.

Then finally, I felt a strong cold blast beneath the water as Edward rushed to me. I felt his powerful embrace as he pulled me to him and shot us right up towards the surface.

I sputtered and coughed as my face broke through waves. Edward gripped me around the waist with one arm and swam us in the direction of the boat, which was unmanned now and receding.

"Can you speak?" he asked. I might have been able to answer, but I was crying so hard as he held me, so relieved that he'd found me, it had overwhelmed my ability to form words. "Okay sweetheart, hold on," he said, his voice strained.

He propelled us forward towards Reckoner with great speed. The water sprayed in my face and I tried to keep my head turned to keep my nose from filling up. I coughed and hacked to keep my lungs clear until we reached the safety of the boat and he climbed us onto the deck. I began to shake violently and he carried me down into the cabin and wrapped me in several blankets and just held me on the berth.

"What the hell were you doing out there?" he asked, cradling me to him, but I couldn't answer yet. "Bella?" he said tentatively, searching my face for signs of conscious thought. "Say something, please."

"I'm so sorry for everything," I finally said. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry." I said it over and over. My brain got stuck and kept looping the words until he couldn't stand to hear them anymore and he kissed me, breathing his cool, crisp breath into me, clearing my mind. I stopped shaking but I was still so cold, even my tears felt cold as they ran down my face. He put his arms around the blankets and held me close as I shook and cried.

"Your core body temperature is too low," he said, worried, looking into my eyes, listening to my pulse. "Bella, I'm going to turn you. Now."

"Yes," I said. "I want you to."

"I'm sorry it's come to this." He pulled me even closer and pressed his lips to my brow and let out a heavy sigh. "But I can't let you stay so fragile. I will not lose you again."

"I'm ready," I said.

I was afraid but absolutely determined. I would be a vampire, and I would be his.

Forever.


	33. Chapter 33

**CHAPTER THIRTY THREE**

**Bring It**

Edward fired up Reckoner's heater—probably the first time he'd ever used it. My head felt water-logged, my thoughts straying from relief to anxiety as I considered the painful transformation to immortality I was about to endure. I struggled to stay awake even though I was freezing cold. He came back to the berth where I lay shivering and held me in his arms, tucking the blankets up under my chin.

"Have you started healing yet?" he asked and then kissed my forehead. "You've got some hypothermia."

"It doesn't… matter now," I said, shaking so badly I could barely say the words.

"Try to concentrate, okay? Focus on your breath."

I inhaled deeply but that started a coughing fit so severe it made me retch. Edward held me up, over the side of the bed until it subsided.

"Try again," he said, his eyes intense with worry.

I took a shallow breath at first and when I managed that, I tried a deeper one and then a deeper belly breath. Edward placed his hands gently over my heart and closed his eyes in concentration.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Praying," he said.

I nodded and closed my eyes and cleared my mind of everything except for the rising and falling of my breath, even tides, my lungs channeling oxygen into my blood stream, out and around my body.

I felt a tingle beneath Edward's hands that spread through my torso, then up my neck and down my legs and out into my arms. That feeling started to intensify and spread through my nervous system, first giving me a chill and then a ripple of warmth went through me, and then a stronger ripple, warmer than the last. A pulse began in my toes, in my fingers, painful and insistent, and then waves of heat began to wash over me.

"It's working," I said, my throat dry. "I'm healing now."

"I know," he said. "I can feel it."

"I feel sick." I put my hand over my mouth and Edward grabbed the trash can and sat me up. I heaved again as he held me over the side of the bed, holding my wet hair away from my face. It subsided and I lay back down, feeling a little better.

Edward went into the galley and came back with a bottle of water. "Sip a little of this," he said, looking more confident. "Your color is back. Good."

"What difference does it make if you're going to change me?"

"Good circulation will carry my venom through your system more efficiently. Hopefully that will make it less painful."

I propped myself up on the pillows and drank. Edward sat down and took my hand, his eyes holding mine in a lock, searching for something, just like I remembered them searching that first time he held me on this berth, during that forbidden sail, after our first kiss.

"Can you ever forgive me, Bella?" he said before I could ask what worry lay behind those eyes. His mouth was a tight, concentrated line across his face, barely concealing his anguish.

"Forgive you for what?"

"For putting you in this terrible situation," he said. "If you'd never met me…"

"I'd be miserable, popping pills on my couch and married to Derek Banner. Don't even go there." The thought of it made me want to retch again. I winced and took another sip of water.

"I've put you through so much hell," he said. "I can't imagine how you feel."

"How I feel?" I looked at him, incredulous. How could he not understand how I felt? And how would I begin to express it?

Since Zack's death, my life had been vacant of any real happiness, void any real hope for finding any. The future felt like a series of countless moments to endure. Lifeless. Wonderless. The day Edward stepped into my life was the day I thought maybe there was hope for me. No—it was the day I knew there was. It was the day the future felt like it might offer me something more than a life sentence of emptiness.

"Edward, I feel saved," I said, my voice cracking.

"So do I," he said, taking my hands in his, running his thumb over my engagement ring. Then he bent and kissed the palm of my hand, and then the underside of my wrist.

"So then never think I'd be better off if I'd never met you," I said. "You know that's not true."

"Bella." He paused and looked away, then he leveled a serious look at me. "Tell me why you were swimming all alone out here," he said. "Do you have any idea how dangerous that was?"

"I'm sorry, Edward," I said. "But I just couldn't wait any longer."

"So you gave up?"

"No," I said. "Absolutely not. I was looking for you."

"You were looking for me way out here?"

"Hala led me out here."

"Who?"

"Hala, the Kermode," I said. "She appeared to me in the fog and I followed her out."

"She led you to drown?"

"No, Edward. She led me to you."

He nodded, wordless, intrigued. "You actually saw her?"

"Yes," I said. "It wasn't the first time."

I had never admitted my visions of Hala to Edward or anyone. That was partly because I wasn't certain I wasn't having a psychotic break, and I didn't want Edward to have Illeana arrange a psychiatric vacation for me. I was reassured when he took me quite seriously.

I told him what I now knew about Hala and her role for the Ani Tsa' gu hi—their belief that she was some kind of spiritual link for them. I talked about Anna Marie's claim that Hala's death created an epic spiritual crisis affecting the entire black bear population of North America.

"You're kidding me," he said. "She's claiming that all black bears are shape shifters?"

"That's what she said—they're all descendants of the tribe."

"They're all human?"

"Yes," I said. "Like a hidden human population."

Then I explained the story of Hala being the protector of the gateway to the next world, and how Hamani crafted a myth about Edward trying to gain entry to it by seducing her. I told him they believed I was Hala in human form, having forgotten my real identity and unable to phase back. And then I told him how Jake was being pressured to find him and kill him. "To steal my memories back," I said. "It's ridiculous. Like that would even be possible."

"But it's what they believe," he said. "You have to take it seriously, Bella."

"I know," I said. "But it's infuriating to me. I had no say in that, and I'm a central part of this new mythology."

"I suppose that's not how it works," he said.

"Edward, it doesn't even make sense. Just for the sake of argument, let's say Jake kills you and fulfills that prediction. How is he actually supposed to get my memories back? If you had them and you died, wouldn't my memories die too?"

"What did Jake say?"

"He said he wasn't going to kill you," I said. "But there's a lot of pressure on him."

"I'm sure," Edward said, looking grim. "We're going to have to stay away from La Push for awhile."

"Fine with me," I said. "I'm happy to just spend eternity in Maui if it comes to that."

"So you've been then?" He smiled. "It's a lovely place to spend eternity, I agree."

Spending eternity with Edward—that concept was beginning to sound real to me. I wanted to grasp it, hold it in my arms, take it inside myself and keep it forever. Not only was I going to marry Edward, I was going to be a vampire with him. Immortal. Forever young.

"I'm ready," I said. "I want to be a vampire now."

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I feel okay," I said, and it was true. I felt normal. "I feel pretty good, considering." I shifted under the blankets and brought my arms out and hugged my knees.

"How much do you want to know about what's going to happen to you after I bite you?"

"Nothing," I said. "I know it will hurt. Just promise you'll stay with me."

"Always," he said, squeezing my hand. "And when it's over and you're immortal, I'll show you a whole new world."

"You already have." I gave him a brave smile, hoping it might take my anxiety down a notch.

Edward leaned over me, took my face in his hands and brushed his thumbs over my cheeks. He held my face and breathed gently, exhaling over me. I inhaled his breath, fresh like daybreak, his scent clearing my mind. Then he kissed me, his lips soft on mine, comforting and reassuring in the face of what I was about to endure.

"If only there was a way to spare you the pain," he said, his jaw tightening.

"I'm not afraid."

"You don't have to be so tough," he said. "This is going to hurt."

"I know," I said. "Bring it." He gave a small laugh.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too."

Edward got up and drew the curtains. He pulled the blankets from me and lay me gently down and looked at my naked body for awhile, his eyes traveling slowly up and down, studying my human form for the last time. Then he lay next to me me and gave me one final, soft, loving kiss, stroking his tongue gently into my mouth, pulling my upper lip between his lips. He kissed my forehead, my eyelids, my nose and then he opened his eyes and looked directly into mine.

"Are you ready for me, Bella?"

"Yes, Edward."

He flipped me to my belly and moved my hair away from my neck and I began to shiver, not from the cold but from anticipation. Excitement. His lips strayed down along my spine and my skin responded to their touch with heat, radiating from each place they made contact. Warmth spread again from my core all the way out to my fingers and toes. I wanted him badly. I wanted him to fuck me, to eat me, to drink me, to take me.

"I need to make you feel good before I can stand to do this to you," he whispered in my ear. I began to moan quietly as he slid his hand between my legs and caressed me there. "Oh, my Bella," he said as his fingers slid over the slickness between my thighs. "How I love your fragile human body, but when I imagine the things I can do to you after…" I gasped as his lips pressed to the base of my spine, just above my tailbone. He dragged his tongue back up until he reached the bottom of my skull and gently sucked the skin at the base of my neck. He held me down, keeping me still as he slipped a finger inside of me, stroking into the damp heat between my legs. I moaned loudly into the berth.

"Drink me," I said, breathing heavily. "Drink my blood while I still have it."

He exhaled strongly and I felt his body tense. "No," he growled in my ear. "That's not safe."

"Please," I said. "I promise you can stop yourself."

"That's not your promise to make," he said. "Lie still now. We're getting close." Then I felt him slip another finger inside of me, sliding and turning, finding that rough spot along the front of me and then stroking deliberately until I was coming hard, all over his hand. "Edward," I called his name, groaning in pleasure.

"That's it, my love," he said. I felt his tongue snake down to where my neck meets my shoulder, cold and hard and deliberate in its touch, tracing a new point of entry for his venom. "You are mine now and forever."

"Yes," I said, breathless, tightening around his fingers. "Forever."

Then his teeth sank into my flesh, quick and deep, not so much tearing as piercing, each tooth a razor slicing into me. I felt my blood rushing to the site of the new wound and as his venom began to course through me, I braced myself for the intolerable pain.

But the pain didn't come.

It was nothing like the first time he bit me. I could still move. I could still talk.

But I didn't do these things.

Instead I just lay there on my belly, my eyes clenched shut, waiting. My head began to throb like I'd had a bottle of wine and enough amphetamines to kill a baby whale. I felt heat intensify in every part of my body, but no burn. My muscles contracted, released, expanded, constricted like I was working out. I felt my heart pounding and my blood flowing like a river in a rainstorm.

"Bella?" he asked, his voice tense. "What's happening?"

"I don't know," I cried, opening my eyes.

"What do you feel?"

"It feels like electricity," I said. "I feel like I'm surging or something."

"Your heart is pounding," he said, putting his hand over the middle of my back. "Are you in any pain?"

"No," I said. I rolled over saw the confusion on his face and began to worry. "I'm not in any pain. What does this mean?"

"I don't know," he said. "I've never heard of someone getting that much venom and not being in pain. At the very least you should be paralyzed."

I willed myself to feel pain. For the transformation to begin. "Is anything else changing? Do I look any different?"

"You look flushed," he said. "That shouldn't be happening." He paused, listening, his eyes wandering over my body. "You're in tachycardia."

"What?"

"Your heart… it's racing."

"I know," I said. "I don't think it's working, Edward." I started to panic. How could he inject me with all that venom and it not transform me?

"No, it isn't," he said, gritting his teeth.

"Do it again," I pleaded.

"I don't think it's a matter of more venom. That hit should have transformed a bison."

"Well, why isn't it working then?"

"Bella, I don't know," he said. "Maybe the first bite I gave you behaved like a vaccine and you developed a resistance."

"A vampire vaccine? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"It's just a theory, okay?" Edward scowled, his brow creased with worry. "We'll watch and see what happens. I need to talk to Carlisle and we'll send for Mercy when we get to Maui. She might be able to sort it out."

I pulled the pillow over my face and gave a frustrated yell into it. Tears began to stream down my face as a realization set in. If I wasn't becoming a vampire now, maybe then I couldn't become a vampire at all. My thoughts began to race along with my relentlessly pounding heart, straying into territory I didn't dare go. I was seeing myself again at Zack's funeral, the coffin, the mourners until it all shifted and it wasn't Zack, but me, dead and gone and Edward withering under the heavy burden of grief.

"Edward, I'm going to die," I said, nearing hysterics.

"What?" he asked. "What's going on? Is it your heart?"

"No, I can see it. I'm going to stay human and die and leave you for all of eternity." I felt like I was on a very bad trip. I gripped the bed until I felt my nails piercing the mattress cover. "God damn it!"

"Bella, calm down," he said, taking my hands in his. I pushed him away and sprang out of bed, away from him.

"Don't marry me," I said, sobbing. "You need to find a mate that won't die on you," I choked out. "Mercy. You can marry Mercy."

"Bella, what are you talking about?" he said. "I'm not marrying Mercy."

"Okay then, Tanya," I cried. "She had her fucking head torn off and she didn't die."

"Calm down," he said. "You're not making any sense."

"I know what it's like to lose a spouse, Edward," I said, sobbing more. "I can't do that to you. I won't!"

"Bella, stop it, you're hysterical," he commanded, now on his feet. He backed me into the wall and gripped my head in his hands, forcing me to look into his eyes. I closed mine. "Look at me," he said. I focused there until I started to breathe normally. Then I noticed my own heart, just the damned relentless beating of it. Edward placed his hand lovingly over it and then kissed me softly on the lips. "First of all, we don't know for sure that you can't be changed. And second? Your love will carry me through all of eternity, no matter how long we have."

He kissed me again until my tears stopped, my breath deepened and my body went from rigid to soft beneath his touch.

"What are we going to do if I can't change?" I asked, weeping.

"We're going to get married," he said. "And we'll live our lives, just as we planned."

"We planned for me to become a vampire and spend eternity with you," I cried. "I feel like I've failed you."

It was the first time I ever thought I might see Edward cry, and truth is, I think the only reason he didn't is because he couldn't.

"Never," he said. "Don't ever say that, and don't ever think it. I love you exactly how you are and would never change a hair on your head if I wasn't so damned selfish. If you stay human, it will be better for you, and I won't have to worry about you being damned with the rest of us."

"Being damned? Are you insane?" I asked. "There's only one way I can be damned, and that's to be kept apart from you."

"Well, we'll just have to make sure that never happens again, won't we?"

"But it will happen!" I crumpled, curled into a defensive ball and pounded my own head with my fists. Edward knelt down and took me by the wrists and held me securely until I was screaming unintelligibly and heaving sobs so heavy I thought the boat might pitch from the force of my grief.

Edward held me on the floor until the surge of energy his venom had caused was all spent in agonized wails. He tensed around me, feeling my pain co-mingled with the weight of his own. However brave he was, I knew he was every bit as heartbroken that I might remain mortal.

"I'm so sorry," I said, once I felt calm enough to utter the words. I turned on my knees and stroked his face and placed a gentle kiss just below an eye where I imagined a tear might have fallen under different circumstances.

"Bella, if I get to love you, live with you, breathe with you, marry you and have a family with you, I can't ask for more than that. I won't ask for it. That will sustain me until the very end of days."

#

Edward brought me to my feet and led me back to the berth. He quickly disrobed and we slipped in between the covers and he held me, his hands exploring with a cool, gentle touch. He took me then, quietly, slowly, deliberately, until all I felt was his complete adoration, the totality of his devotion. He cherished me in the way only impermanent things like visions and dreams and memories can be cherished. He felt me everywhere with his hands, he laid his lips upon every inch of my skin, he inhaled me and spoke in soft words of the future he promised to give me.

"We'll sail down to San Diego and then head west until we hear ukeleles," he said, tracing the outline of my face with his index finger. "Then I'll send for your father and we'll get married right away. After that we can sail as long as you like while we have your storybook house built. How does that sound?"

"It sounds good," I said, stretching beneath him. He kissed me on the nose and smiled.

"Okay, let me make you something to eat and then we'll check the weather and see what kind of sail we're in for. Ready for a little open ocean cruising?"

"Yeah, I think so," I said.

As I thought about the adventure before us—the one that would culminate in my starlit wedding to Edward Cullen, my optimism began to rebound. In his careful, deliberate lovemaking, Edward reminded me that some things about love are eternal, reaching beyond the physical manifestations of our selves. He'd grounded me in that realization, and in the deepest part of my soul I knew this union tapped into something much greater than my small life, or his.

It was something that could not die.


	34. Chapter 34

_What's this? An author's note? What? _

_I know, I never do these here (though there's one for every chapter posted at Twitarded), but now I feel I must, just to let you know that we are very close to the end of this tale. I know things have gotten fairly intense, and I'm here to warn you, they will get more intense before it's over. I can't tell you how it's going to end, obviously, though to be perfectly honest I've been sorely tempted to drop hints about whether it ends happily or not. I've decided against that because I really don't want to spoil the impact of the ending. We've all come too far together now. _

_There are two chapters left, both of which will post sometime this week, so you'll all know how it ends soon, anyway. Actually, I'm leaving tomorrow morning for the Twitarded pilgrimage to Forks, WA and it looks like the final chapter of Osa Bella will post from there. This makes me ridiculously satisfied. Going to Forks after writing this almost feels like I'm going home.  
_

_I'll have to do a long, schmaltzy letter to you all after it's all said and done to share a surprisingly intense trip writing this story has been for me. I want to say thank you to each and every one of you for reading and for leaving reviews to let me know how this story is hitting you. It means the world to me that you are reading and sharing the experience with me (yes, even those of you who are reading and going, WTMF? Myg? Really?) You've all brought something to this experience that's made it so much, well, more. Just more._

_Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for hanging in there with Osa Bella._

_Love,_

_Myg_

**CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR**

**Ride Your Darkest Fear**

From Reckoner's bow I watched the waves as they rushed beneath her hull. It felt so good to move, to feel the wind at our backs, driving us forward into whatever future awaited. I would handle it, however it came down, I decided. I would stop crumbling in the face of my fear.

_Know what's worse than dying on your spouse, Bella? _Zack's voice was clear in my head.

_No,_ I thought. _I really don't. _

_Underestimating her. Or him, as the case may be. _

I turned to look at Edward. He was pulling lines, concentrating on the angle of the sails against the wind. He didn't look forlorn, or lost or frightened. He looked content. Determined. Hopeful.

It would be a good sail to Maui, I thought. Plenty of down time with him. I smiled as I recalled our last sailing trip together and how much I loved having Edward all to myself. We would have a little time to plan our wedding, to think about starting a family, to dream about the places we'd go and the things we would do. I walked back to the cockpit with a smile on my face.

"Hey, beautiful." He reached for me and pulled me into a hug. "Feeling better now?"

"Yeah," I said. "Just thinking."

"What about?"

"About how lucky I am," I said.

Edward tightened his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. "I love you," he said. Then he let go and took the helm, adjusting our course a little. "We'll have to hug the coast for now, but we can't go in too close because the river bars can be hell."

"If we're sailing coastal, can we get cell reception?"

"We're not that close, but we've got a satellite connection. Do you want to call your father?"

"Yes," I said. "I want him to know that I'm okay. Otherwise he might come looking for you."

"Definitely call him then," he said with a small laugh. Edward locked the helm and disappeared below and came back in a moment with a phone.

"Hey—you had a satellite phone and didn't call me?" I said.

"I had no idea who might have your phone and I had no intentions of warning Jake I was coming."

"He knew you were coming," I said. "He was out looking for you."

"Well, he didn't find me, did he?"

Edward handed me the phone and I held it for several minutes. A certain dread filled me as I thought about La Push and that bear queen fate I'd just narrowly escaped. I had the strongest urge to avoid that call home, but I couldn't stand the thought of Charlie worrying, not knowing I was safe. As I pictured him with bags under his eyes from the lack of sleep he'd surely suffer if I let him wonder, I found my courage.

"Bella, thank God," he said, his voice breaking at the sound of mine. "You're alive."

"Of course I'm alive, Dad," I said, feeling sick with guilt. "I'm so sorry I made you worry."

"I thought you drowned," he said, choking up.

"I told you I would run with him."

"But how? Your clothes were on the beach and you were just gone. It made no sense. I thought you got desperate… I thought the worst."

"No, Dad," I said. "We're sailing to Maui. I'll send for you when we make landfall. We're going to get married."

"Bella… " Charlie paused. "Bella, there's a problem."

"What is it? Are you okay?"

"It isn't me," he said. "It's the Ani Tsa' gu hi…"

"Let them think I died. It's the only way I can escape them."

"Bella…" he said and paused. "They followed you."

"What?"

"They swam out after you."

"Well, they didn't find me," I said, and then registered the alarm that crossed Edward's face as he listened to our conversation.

"I don't think you understand," he said. "They all—the whole tribe is out there, swimming out to sea, looking for you." He paused again, and then pulled out his strongest, most stoic cop voice and said, "There've been casualties."

I went cold. "What do you mean, casualties? People have died?"

"Yes, Bella, they're drowning," he said. "And more keep coming. We've got teams of hunters here with tranquilizer gus, but we can't keep up. We tried to block off the beach, but they're moving down the coast now. We've called the Coast Guard and there are some volunteers out there in boats, trying to coax them back to shore, but they won't go."

"How many?" I asked, feeling my heart constricting in my chest.

"We've lost count. Bella, it's… it's a nightmare."

"Hamani," I choked. "What about Hamani?"

"He's here, waiting for you," Charlie said. "He says you'll return."

"Tell him he has to stop them."

"He can't," Charlie said. "He's tried but he's just one man."

"What about Jake?"

"He's trying to round bears up with the pack, but they won't follow him anymore. I don't know what we're going to do…"

"Oh no," I whispered. "Dad, what have I done?"

"You didn't know," he said. "You can't blame yourself."

"It doesn't matter," I said. "Tell Hamani I'm on my way."

#

Horrified, confused, anguished, I hung up and dropped to my knees, shaking. But for once, Edward didn't rush to my side, didn't try to comfort me. Instead he sprang forward onto the deck, up to the bow and hung his head over the railing.

After a few moments, I collected myself and went to him. In his hands, Edward held the forward anchor, crushed into a ball like it had been tin foil. He turned to face me, his eyes fierce, black, hollow with rage. "I don't want you to see me like this," he said, his voice eerily calm.

I put my hand on his back, then my arm around his shoulders and he turned and embraced me so tightly I thought I'd have bruises around my rib cage. "Bella, I don't want to give you back," he whispered. "I know that makes me a monster, but I don't care."

"No Edward," I said. "It makes you human."

"I am seriously considering taking you to Maui anyway. Fuck the bears. I don't care if the entire species disappears at this point. Just say the word and I'll do it. I know that makes me an awful, selfish bastard but I can't help it."

I really had to think about what Edward was suggesting. It wasn't our fault that the bears mistook me for Hala, right? I tried to tell them the truth, but Hamani willfully ignored me. How dare he put this kind of responsibility on me? I was one small woman. All I wanted was to be with the man I loved, mind my own business and go on my way. How dare the Ani Tsa' gu hi hitch themselves to me in this way? I never asked for this. Didn't Edward and I deserve some happiness? For fucking once?

Then I imagined dozens and dozens of black bears, swimming out into the ocean, looking for me. I remembered how it felt to wear out in the water, to almost drown. I imagined this happening over and over and over, one bear after another. Because of me. Because of Edward. Because of us.

"I don't want to make this decision alone," I said. "It's too big."

"You're right, I'm sorry," he said. "But I need a minute to calm down so I can think, because right now if I go back, I'm going back with a shot gun and some bear traps."

"Okay," I said. "I'm going to change course and take us north."

"So your mind is already made up, then," he said. "We're going back."

I hadn't realized it until he said it. "Yes," I said, and wiped the tears streaming down my face. "I love you so much and I don't want this tragedy be our legacy. Imagine living the rest of our lives with this on our shoulders? I can't do it."

"I'll never forgive myself for doing this to you," he said. "Not for all of eternity."

"You didn't do this to me," I said, looking out over the waves. "It just happened."

"Everything I've done has put you in more danger," he said. "No matter my intention, I've only brought you misery."

"Stop it. Everything you did, you did out of love for me," I said. "And the happiness I've known with you has been so bright, it obliterates the darkest corner of my misery, Edward. It will always be that way. No matter what comes."

He pulled back from me, studied my face and lovingly brushed the hair out of my eyes. He gave me a sturdy nod and said, "Okay then, we're losing time."

"I know," I said.

He went back to the helm and called, "Prepare to come about."

I moved out of the way of the swinging mainsail as he turned the boat and headed us back to the tragedy unfolding at La Push. I went back to the bow and spotted the white head of Hala a full boat length ahead of us in the water, swimming home.

"Are you fucking happy now?" I yelled out into the sea.

But Hala never turned around. She just kept swimming.

#

We talked all night as Reckoner sailed us north. After every angle was looked at, inspected, turned over, considered and then reconsidered, our situation came down to two impossible, irreconcilable truths: the bears would kill Edward if he went near them, and if I ran, they would follow me. Even to tragic ends. So Edward and I were going to have to separate, at least for now. There was no way around it.

"Well, we don't know what the future holds, right?" Edward said. "We just have to deal with the situation in front of us right now."

In any case, it had become clear our immediate future could not include our wedding. My disappointment nearly broke me and probably would have if I didn't have an entire population of black bears to save from a watery death.

"Come here," Edward said as he watched me brooding over this, my heart an iron weight in my chest. He put his arms around me, strong and resolved and we stood there quietly, looking out at the gloomy sea. Then he tilted my face to look me in the eye. "I want you to promise me something," he said, quietly.

I did not like the way he was looking at me then. I knew he was going to ask me to promise him something impossible, something wretched. "No," I said. "Please don't..."

"I want you to marry Jacob," he said.

He could have just slapped me across the face. "I don't know if that's still an option," I said.

"If you don't marry him, they'll take you away."

"If I can't be with you, I don't care," I argued. "I'll wander in the woods with the bears."

"No, Bella," he said. "You're not a bear. You're not equipped to survive like that."

"I'll get some outdoor gear, a satellite phone or something. I'll take some wilderness lessons."

"No, absolutely not. You're not going to disappear into some world you don't know, alone, frightened, away from your family and friends. I know what you'll do out there."

"No, you don't," I said.

"Yes, I do," Edward's patience slipped and he raised his voice. "You almost killed yourself today, and that's far from the first time that's happened."

"That's not what I was trying to do," I said. "It was an accident."

"You have a hell of a lot of accidents, don't you?" He glared at me. "You accidentally overdosed drinking and taking pills? You offered me your blood after I nearly killed you in bloodlust? You fell out of a tree? That's not a coincidence, Bella."

"What exactly are you insinuating?" I asked, my heart pounding.

"Whether you'll admit it to yourself or not, part of you is driven to self-destruct, and now I can't be there to protect you. It has to be Jake."

Edward was right, and this pissed me off greatly. But I couldn't deny that in my worst moments, I could be, and had been, suicidally reckless. With all the pressure on me, facing another separation from Edward might trigger another depressive episode. If that happened while I was out in the wilderness with the Ani Tsa' gu hi, who knew how bad I might get? Edward knew the safest thing for me was to be surrounded by family and friends at La Push, even if it meant I had to marry Jake.

I sobbed into Edward's shoulder and he put his arms tight around me, smoothing my hair and whispering words of comfort, but it somehow just pissed me off more. I was so grateful for his love, his concern, his understanding. I felt safe encircled in his arms, in his love, but it was all going to be ripped away from me again, and now he was asking me to marry another man on top of it?

The angrier I got, the harder it was to be near him. I tried to push him away, but as I struggled he just held me tighter. I pounded his chest with my fists until it hurt, and then I hit him even harder. He finally held my arms to my side and I just screamed in his face.

"I hate this!" I screamed. "I fucking hate this!"

"So do I," he said, sadly. "You'll never know how much."

"How can you ask me to marry Jake? Do you think he's going to marry me and then agree to sleep on the damned couch?"

"That's between you and Jake," he said, his eyes flickering with the rage he fought to contain.

"You can't be serious," I said, shuddering, imagining myself in bed with Jake again. "I don't want you to let me go that easily."

"Do you think this is easy for me, Bella? Really?" he said, his voice rising. "I am never going to let you go. Ever. But I need to know where you are and that you'll be safe. I need that much more than your fidelity."

"I don't want to marry Jake," I said, crying.

"It could be awhile before we can find a way to get you out of this position. If you marry him, you can stay at La Push and I know your father and Illeana will keep an eye on you. You said Hamani will let you stay there without interference, right?"

"Yes, but… " I said.

"Then you'll marry Jake and the bears can go back to whatever it is they were doing before all of this happened. When things settle down, I'll find a way to get you out of there."

"You want me to marry Jake and then leave him?"

"Yes," he said. "I do."

"That's fucked up," I said, exasperated.

"I don't care," he said. "I can't let you go where I can't follow. If you marry Jake, you'll be safe at La Push until we can get you out of this."

"I can't believe you're telling me to marry Jake!" I yelled. "And now you're fine with me sharing his bed? What the fuck?"

"Of course I'm not fine!" He backed me against the outer wall of the cabin and pressed his nose to my neck, then into my hair and inhaled deeply. "The thought of you with him makes me sick with rage," he seethed in my ear. "You are mine. You will always belong to me."

"That's right," I said, tears streaming down my face.

He kissed me then, his mouth urgent, opening onto mine, his tongue sweeping, tasting, claiming and I breathed into him my assent and my final capitulation. Then he pulled his face back and studied mine for a moment, his dark eyes shining and full of pain.

"Nothing will ever change that," he said, and then he ran his fingers along the bite mark on my neck. "Not even marrying Jacob Black."

#

Dawn rose insistently out of the east onto a crystal clear day. There would be no cloud cover, no fog to protect Edward from the invasion of television news crews and the growing crowd of onlookers that now filled the harbor. The sun would be fully up soon and our window of approach would close.

I had cried so much in the night I was empty of tears. I had prayed to every god I knew for forgiveness. For strength. I had plumbed the depths of my self loathing and arose empty of all desire, and all emotion except one. Resolve.

I would put this right.

As we came up the coast, we began to see the small black spots out bobbing in the water. Black bears struggled against the tide, on their way out to sea. They crowded the coastline, from Strawberry Bay all the way up to First Beach. There had to be over fifty boats along the coast and for each boat another bear fighting to get past it, a relentless procession of them following me to their doom. Every bear in Washington State, maybe even in the Pacific Northwest, must have made its way to this tragic circus.

As the sun rose higher in the sky, Edward started to reflect light under it like a beacon. He pulled his hood up, his sleeves down and donned a pair of sailing gloves.

"This isn't going to work," I said. "You can't let them see you."

He came about and headed back out to sea while we deliberated an approach. But I knew there was only one way in.

"Edward, I have to go."

"I'm going with you," he said.

"No, you aren't," I said. "They'll kill you. You've got to stay out of sight."

"Look, I had a major role in causing this disaster and I need to do something about it."

"Edward, you can't do anything about this right now without getting killed. This is something I have to do alone."

We continued the argument wordlessly for several minutes, his eyes locked on mine, and I know he was hoping I'd back down, but this time I did not. As much as I wanted him by my side, the threat of him being destroyed was too much. As though he'd finally reached the same conclusion, understanding that his presence would and another layer of distraction to the problem at hand, he finally let it go.

"So stubborn," he muttered, shaking his head. But then he kissed me on the forehead and hove to, Reckoner swinging gently left and then right in the breeze. He came and pulled me into his arms and held me. "Please, please be careful, Bella."

"I promise," I said.

"Whatever happens here, and whatever comes next, remember that I love you. And I will come for you."

"I know," I said.

In a regrettably painful moment, he looked down at the engagement ring on my hand and said, "Why don't you give that to me to hold onto for now?"

I took my engagement ring off and handed it to him and as he took it from my fingers, I started crying. "When will I see you again?" I asked.

"Soon," he said, brushing my tears away. His eyes glistened and his mouth turned to a small, sad smile. Then he kissed me, softly, on the forehead and took a slow, deep breath. I allowed myself to linger in the scent of him, one final time, that essence of all good things in the world, stowed safely in the vault of my memory. He touched his lips mine, a painfully tender goodbye.

"I'm really proud of you, Bella," he said.

I smiled at him sadly as we said a silent goodbye to our happily ever after, but I turned before I choked up, for fear I'd lose my nerve. Then I climbed to the bowsprit and took off my shoes. I looked back at him one last time, my fantastic love, shining under the sun. He nodded, encouraging.

"Be safe," he said.

Then I leapt from Reckoner's bow and dove down into the water.

#

My limbs were strong, stronger than I remembered from the previous day. The new dose of Edward's venom had invigorated me, had given me greater power and speed. I raced forward like an Olympic champion, into the harbor, never looking back to see what course Reckoner set.

I reached my first bear, a smaller female struggling way out ahead of the pack. She gave a low whimpering growl as she saw me and I swam right to her. I hooked my arm under her forelegs and started to swim on my back towards the shore. She rested against me wearily, dead weight in the water.

Another bear began to swim toward us, and then another. If that trend continued, I'd soon be overwhelmed with bears needing a rescue and I'd never be able to swim back with more than one, even as strong as I was. As though she sensed this, my passenger twisted and kicked herself free of me and began to power back to shore next to me like a relay partner.

There was another bear, treading the current right beside a small fishing boat, being coaxed by a diver. As we passed, it began to swim towards us.

"This way!" I called, and powered to the beach. Another bear saw us and followed, and then another, and then soon all of the bears were following us, a swift and certain escape.

I felt the sand beneath my feet and began to walk up onto the beach. A huge crowd had gathered, complete with camera crews from the national news outlets, government officials, tourists and nearly all of the Quileute Nation. Hamani stood in the middle of them all, the tears he shed obvious to me, even from a distance. Jacob stood next to him, arms crossed, face fixed in a scowl, his eyes trained on me. Charlie and his small militia of hunters paused with their tranquilizer guns to watch the strange spectacle.

I looked around me as I trudged out of the water. To my left, to my right, behind me, I was flanked by an army of black bears, one of the strangest looking processions in history.

We walked out of the water, onto the shore. The news teams and the government workers took several paces back from us, put off as they were by the bears who followed me. Teams of FEMA agents shooed the rest of the onlookers back behind a barrier.

I approached Hamani and he gripped me by the face and touched his head to mine, tears falling down from his eyes to the sand, mixing with my own. Then he wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm so sorry," I cried. "I didn't know, I didn't know."

Charlie came running over to where we stood, breaking through the crowd of bears that gathered around. Hamani released me and I was immediately enveloped by the reassuring embrace of my father. I sobbed until I crumpled in his arms.

"Dad, I'm so sorry," I cried.

"I know," he said. "I'm just glad you're okay."

Sue came and wrapped a warm blanket around my shoulders. "You're so cold, honey," she said. I nodded and then felt her arms warm around me, too.

Jacob walked over to the water's edge, and stared out at the ocean, scanning the horizon. He didn't say a single word to me. I tentatively approached him, his eyes were cold and distant.

"Where did you come from?" he demanded without the courtesy of looking at me.

"Edward brought me," I said.

"Where is he?"

"He's at sea."

"Bullshit!" he snapped. "He needs to answer for what he's done!"

"He didn't do this—I did," I said. "And I'm here to answer for it."

"Bella, it's such a nightmare." His voice was pained as he finally turned to face me.

"Show me," I said, touching his arm. "I need to see."

Jacob pointed to the tree line, where a two rows of dead bears were laid out, sixteen black mounds of damp, matted fur sprinkled with sand and strands of seaweed. The beach was littered with the tranquilized bears, who were now surrounded by the surviving bears who'd come back from the sea. We walked to the corpses, mortified at the sight.

"How many were lost at sea?" I asked.

"We lost count," Jacob said.

"Hala's brothers and sister?" I asked.

"They're gone. They were the first to drown."

I sank to my knees, overwhelmed by the devastation. Now Hamani had lost his entire family. They died because of me, along with how many others?

I thought about the members of the tribe who'd saved my life after I'd fallen from the tree. Thought about how they'd pursued me in the woods after Edward had found me. They thought they were trying to save me. Protect me. All because they believed I was something I wasn't.

Hamani and Anna Marie came over to us. Anna Marie, quiet for once, placed a warm hand on my shoulder, and Hamani placed his hand on my other shoulder. I reached up and held it.

Then I got to my feet and visited with every single dead bear and placed my hand into its wet fur and apologized. I knelt beside the last bear a long time, until finally Sue came and draped a towel around my shoulders. "Let's get you some dry clothes, Bella," she said.

#

The Quileute Tribal Council requested help for digging graves. According to custom, we had to get the bodies into the ground by sundown. I was grateful and surprised when every single volunteer came to the burial grounds to help with such a depressing task. After changing into dry clothing, I joined them at the clearing in the woods and began to dig.

For the rest of that day, Jacob avoided me. He did not speak to me. He did not dig with me. He didn't come anywhere near me. I didn't try to approach him, either. I understood the injury I had caused him with my betrayal. I knew he needed some space, and I had no idea whether he would still agree to marry me. But I couldn't worry about it then.

When the graves were dug, we committed the bodies to the earth and then went down to the beach where a large fire was built. The elders led the gathering in several songs of mourning, low melodies that stretched across one hundred voices and floated out to sea as darkness filled the sky.

#

I stayed on that beach all that long, clear night tending the fire with Hamani and the remaining bears, who now meandered in a daze after waking up from their tranquilizer-induced slumber. Charlie tried to convince me to come to Sue's and get some sleep, but I wanted to stay with the bears, at least for that night. He gave up arguing and came back with three sleeping bags, a sandwich and a beer I didn't drink. Hamani gave the sleeping bag a funny look, shrugged his shoulders and then lay down, resting his head on it like a pillow.

Charlie and I stared wordlessly into the fire for a long time until he finally fell asleep in his sleeping bag next to me. I listened to the steady rise and fall of his breath, the slight rattle at the back of his throat and felt grateful he was there. The beach was quiet other than the sound of the water and the crackling and snapping of the dying fire. I continued to watch the embers until they all burned out, small reminders of the mortality we shared. I fell asleep wondering how long I might yet burn.

In the very early morning, I heard soft footsteps in the sand and opened my eyes into the paling darkness. Jacob whispered something to Charlie, and he got to his feet groggily, looked at me, and then walked off towards the Black's house. Hamani stirred in his sleep but didn't wake as Jake came and handed me a cup of coffee. I caught its aroma, strong and forgiving.

"Let's take a walk," he said and gave me his hand.

Five black bears followed us. Three of them I remembered them from the swim home, and the others had turned up sometime in the night. We all strolled along the water's edge back towards Jake's house. I sipped the hot drink and felt it warm my stomach.

"Jacob, I am really sorry," I said. "You'll never know how sorry I am."

"I know," he said. He kept his eyes straight ahead but hooked his arm through mine.

"They still think you're going to marry me, don't they?" I asked. "Otherwise they would have taken me into the woods by now."

"Yeah," he said.

"It's okay," I said. "I know you don't want to marry me."

"I never said that," he said. And then before I could brace myself, I found myself crying again. "Could you please not do that?" he asked. "Come on, Bella."

"I'm sorry," I said, wiping my eyes. "I feel so fucking bad for those bears—those people who died. I will never forgive myself."

"You didn't know," he said.

"It doesn't matter," I said. "I let my own selfish desire blind me from everything else. I just couldn't see what was really at stake here. I will never let that happen again."

"So what's the deal between you and Edward now?" he asked, glancing down at my naked ring finger.

"We obviously can't get married right now, with all that's happened," I said, my stomach clenching at the thought. "I need to deal with this bear issue."

"Edward's at the house," he said, studying my reaction. I flinched as I felt anxiety gripping my throat, choking me from the inside out.

"You didn't kill him?"

"Of course not," he said. "Bella, what kind of an asshole do you think I am?"

"He came to convince you to marry me, didn't he?"

"That wasn't the only reason," Jake said. "And he didn't have to convince me."

"Well, whatever Edward might have said, I don't expect you to marry me. I have it all worked out. If you can just play along for now, we can pretend to postpone the ceremony and I can get some wilderness instruction so I can survive out there. I can get a GPS and a good satellite phone and a little solar generator so I can stay in touch with you guys, and I'll get a decent packing tent. Then I'll live off the land. I just need the training. I'll get good winter gear, come back for holidays, that sort of thing."

"Loca," he said. "No way are you doing that."

"Jake," I said, my eyes tearing up again. "You don't want to marry me. I know you don't."

"You don't know anything." He stopped walking and took my hand in his. "I know you've been through hell and there's a lot of pressure on us. But I also know something else."

"What?"

"I know that I love you," he said, and then pulled a beautiful little diamond ring out of his pocket. "And I'm not letting you get dragged off to Canada by a pack of bears, okay?"

"Jake…"

"Bella, will you marry me?"

"Jake," I said, tearing up. "You deserve so much more than what I can give you right now."

"Do you love me?" he asked. "Even a little?"

"Of course I do," I said. "You know that."

"Well, that's something, right? We can come to an understanding, I think."

"You deserve more," I said.

"Stop saying that," he said. "It's annoying."

"Okay." I hugged him. He pulled back to look at me and brushed a strand of hair out of my face.

"Is that a yes?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Okay, then." He nodded, a silent acknowledgement of the understanding we had. We would be husband and wife, knowing, but maybe never speaking, of the shadow that loomed in my heart. He slipped the ring on my finger and I tried not to wince.

"I can't believe you got me a rock," I said. "You didn't have to do that."

"Do you like it?"

"I love it," I said, my voice catching as I made a ridiculous attempt to sound upbeat. We started walking towards the house again and he held my hand, his fingers steady and warm as they intertwined with mine, cold and lifeless.


	35. Chapter 35

Hey - this is not the last chapter! There's one more, and it's posting simultaneously with this one. Please read this one first!

xo

Myg

**CHAPTER THIRTY FIVE**

**Contrition**

Day broke under a cloudless sky, soft, pink rays rising up over the tree tops, suggesting another uncharacteristically sunny morning. As we approached the Black house Jake let go of my hand and grimaced a little, like he was hiding a great discomfort, but not all that well. I nervously twisted the new engagement ring on my finger, like turning a small lie concealing a much bigger falsehood. But my sense of duty trumped my sense of romantic idealism. So I couldn't marry the man I truly loved—I hated the fact, but I had a tribe that needed me, and sometimes you just have to step up. This was one of those times.

The five bears following us paused at the end of Jake's driveway as they were met by two wolfs, one I recognized as Leah, and she directed them to the lawn across the street. Six other wolves from Jake's pack were stationed around the perimeter of the Black's property and their temporary Commander in Chief appeared to be Charlie, who sat on the porch in a rocker with a shotgun across his lap.

"What are you doing?" I asked as Jake and I approached.

"Just providing a little disincentive for anyone unfriendly, that's all," Charlie said, eyeing the bears who sat across the street on their haunches, sniffing the air. I looked at him with gratitude, tearing up a little. "Edward saved your life," he said. "I owe him that much, at least."

I leaned over the shotgun on Charlie's lap and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He raised his eyebrows and nodded at the door. "He's waiting for you."

Inside, Edward sat at the kitchen table with Billy and Sue. He looked unusually stiff and vampire-like as he sat in that humble, small room with its mismatched furniture. Sunlight streamed through the windows, reflecting off of Edward's face. As Jake and I came in he rose to his feet, made eye contact with me and then Jake, and then glanced at the new engagement ring on my left hand. I cringed as pain crossed his face, but then his eyes met mine again and it was obvious he was relieved. I ran to him and threw my arms around his neck, catching him by surprise, and he held me almost painfully close.

"What are you doing here?" I asked. "How did you even get here without the bears finding you? They're everywhere."

"Leah," he said, and I could tell he was making awkward eye contact with Jake over my shoulder. "I ran into her over by the cliffs and she brought me back here."

"Jake," I turned to see him standing directly behind us, arms crossed, frowning. "You have to get Edward out of here."

"No, Bella," Edward said. "I came to see Hamani and the Ani Tsa' gu hi elders. Billy and Sue were just advising me how to approach them."

"You can't see Hamani," I said. "No way."

"I can't live an eternity without facing these people and making whatever amends I can make," Edward said. "At the very least, I need to make an apology for the damage I've caused."

"They'll want justice," I said. "They'll kill you, don't you see? There'll be no eternity to worry about."

"They may not," Billy said. "We can find out if they'll entertain a formal apology and restitution. Edward brought you back so you can marry Jake and unite the tribes…"

"That was Bella's idea," Edward said.

"You supported it," I said. "You didn't have to bring me back."

"In any case," Billy said, "They may agree to a peaceful resolution, especially if you and Jake ask them."

"Why are you trying to help Edward?" I asked.

"Because," Billy said, "he asked me to."

"I thought you didn't like the Cullens," I said, challenging. Sue's face clouded over with guilt and Billy turned to look at Edward, like he was assessing him, or rather re-assessing him.

"I appreciate what he's trying to do," Billy finally said. "And we would always rather have peace."

I looked over at Jake, who averted his eyes to the floor. Sue said, "We know how you feel about him, Bella. Of course we want to help him."

"Well, it's too risky," I said.

"Bella, I can't run from an entire population of black bears for the rest of eternity," Edward said. "My family is also in danger now. I have to see if there's anything I can do."

"I'd feel the same way if I were him," Jacob said.

"You don't care if he gets killed," I snapped at Jake. "You don't care what happens to him."

"If that was true I wouldn't be protecting him right now, would I?" Jake shot back. "You think I want to see you fall apart because he gets himself killed? I know what a fucked up mess you'll be if he dies."

Edward glared at Jake, his body tensing with restraint. He squeezed my hand. "Jake is doing me a favor right now," he said.

"I'm doing Bella a favor," Jake said.

"Whatever," Edward said.

"We'll talk to the Ani Tsa' gu hi first and see if they'll agree to meet with Edward," Sue said.

"Thank you, Sue," Edward said, giving her an appreciative look.

"No," I said. "I'm afraid of what they'll do."

"Bella," sat down and pulled me into his lap. He held me close and whispered in my ear, "Please don't ask me to spend eternity a coward."

I didn't want to agree, but the deepest part of me, the part that saw truth and didn't shade it with fear, understood. In fact, I wanted him to face Hamani. I didn't want him to run from the pain and the destruction we'd brought to the tribe. Coming back and facing the bears had allowed me to untie the knot of regret strangling my heart. How could I really, fairly, deny Edward the same opportunity? But the terror of losing him was at war with that part of me that understood the larger consequence of Edward running from this. And as we sat in the Black's kitchen, I realized that my current fears were the same ones Edward had the day before when he let me jump from Reckoner's bow and dive into the Pacific. So I had to let it go. And I had to help him.

"I'll ask Hamani if he'll consider a peaceful resolution," I said. "If he promises not to kill you, then you can meet with him and the elders."

"Okay," Edward said. "But I am going to face him sooner or later, one way or another."

#

Jake and I arrived at the tribal council office mid-morning. Sue and Billy were already there with a fresh pot of coffee and a tin of blueberry muffins, which Sue passed around to all of the elders and Anna Marie. Hamani took one, sniffed at it and took a small bite. "Are you hungry Bella?" Sue asked, handing me the muffin tin. "You haven't eaten a thing since yesterday."

"No, thank you," I said, putting the tin on the table and taking the seat across from Hamani. "Did you explain it yet?"

"We were waiting for you," Billy said.

"What's going on?" Anna Marie asked. "Does it have to do with the Cold One you're holding at the Black's house?"

"Yes," Jake said. "Edward Cullen has returned and is asking for an audience with the elders."

"He wants peace," I said. "He would like a chance to apologize to the tribe and offer whatever restitution he can make."

Anna Marie paused and looked curiously at Jake, who shrugged his shoulders and then looked out the window, and then back at her. Anna Marie then relayed this information to Hamani, who was finishing off the last crumbs from his breakfast. He frowned and made several gestures with his hands at Jake as he responded. Then he closed his eyes and put his hands over his face for a moment. I imagined he was recalling the mass drowning from the day before, the loss of his children, and it made me sick inside.

"Hamani says Jake should kill the Cold One and get your memories back so you can phase back," she said. "He has no interest in his apologies."

I turned to Jake, my stomach twisted and hard with fear. He shook his head slightly and grit his teeth.

"The Cold One is sincere in his remorse," Sue said, giving me a supportive look. "Billy and I spoke with him a long time this morning. He has many resources that may be of use to the tribe. Maybe an understanding can be reached."

"They don't trust him," Anna Marie said, gesturing to the elders. "He's a vampire, you know?"

"The Cullens are different," Billy said. "Our tribe has had a long standing peace with them. I know a great harm has been done, but Edward wants to be accountable."

Anna Marie spoke to Hamani again, who then conferred with the other elders. He appeared to grow more agitated, shaking his head in disagreement.

"I'm supposed to be their spirit guardian, right?" I said. "Don't I have any pull here?"

"If you would phase, they'd agree to anything you want," Anna Marie said.

"Ha ha," I said sarcastically. "I can go buy a bear suit. Will that work?"

"They're not idiots," she said, irritated.

"Edward brought me back here yesterday to marry Jake and keep the tribe from destroying themselves," I said. "Doesn't that count for anything?"

"He brought you back, of his own will?" Anna Marie asked.

"Yes," I said, recalling again the moment when Edward admitted he wanted to flee with me and never look back. That was fine, I thought. Anyone would feel that way. Hell, I felt that way myself. But in the end he did bring me back, and that's what mattered.

Anna Marie relayed this information, and the elders debated what it meant, what they should feel or do in response, their voices a mixture of disbelief and surprise. They talked for several minutes and then she said, "Will Edward relinquish his hold on you in a sacred ceremony and then give you to Jacob Black to be married, before the spirits?"

"What do you mean? They want Edward to give me away at our wedding?"

"Yes."

"He's not my father."

"Hamani says the Cold One has an unnaturally strong attachment to you because he has your memories now. So, Hamani won't give him an audience unless he will come into the sacred circle and dissolve that bond with you before the tribe and the spirits."

"Jesus," I said, my stomach hollow. "You mean like an anti-wedding?"

"Yes, sort of," she said, and then she conferred with Hamani again. "Edward will bring you before Hamani and the elders and they will ask the spirits to unbind you. Then you will be rid of him spiritually and free to reclaim your memories, to remember your true self. Then you can marry Jacob. This is what the elders require before they'll grant him an audience."

"Um… " I stalled. What a sickening proposition this was. It was like they believed Edward could be exorcised from my soul, like he was some kind of demon. The thought made me feel nauseous. I did not believe what they suggested was actually possible—Edward could never be chased out of my heart, even if he chose to vacate, which I knew he never would. But I felt threatened anyway. And I wasn't sure Edward would go along.

"Isn't there something else he can do instead?" I asked.

"What's the problem?"

"It just seems a little… extreme."

"He has nothing else that they want," Anna Marie said. "But I should warn you, if he won't do it, they will take that as confirmation that he is planning to come for you again, and they will not allow that."

"What do you mean?"

Hamani interrupted Anna Marie, tapping her shoulder and pointing out the window, making sweeping gestures with his arms, indicating his impatience. She spoke with him for several minutes.

"Hamani says if he will not agree to the unbinding ceremony, they will go to him now. They cannot risk him taking you again."

"He's under my protection," Jake said.

"I know that, Jake," she said. "But they don't trust him—they do not like your arrangement with the Cold Ones."

"That's too bad," Jake said. "These are our lands. They have to respect our wishes."

"They outnumber you," Anna Marie said. "Can't you see that? This is too important to them—they will not risk losing her again."

"I never said Edward wouldn't do it," I said, breaking into their conversation. "But If he does, Hamani and the elders must enter a new peace treaty with the Cullens, like the Quileute have."

"I'm not sure that they'll entertain that," she said.

"Ask Hamani…" I paused. "No… tell Hamani this is what Jake and I will require after we are married and the tribes are united."

Hamani scowled at Anna Marie as she relayed my demand. He spoke quickly, his voice rising. Then the elders all spoke, a rumbling of dissenting opinions until Hamani's voice rose above the others and he spoke to Anna Marie.

"He says if the Cold One will release you from his attachment, they will abide a new treaty with the Cullens—only the Cullens though. No other Cold Ones."

"Of course," I said.

"But Bella, if Edward tries to steal you again, they will kill him."

"He won't," I said, a hollow, cold feeling settling in the pit of my stomach. "But I want the Cullens to be able to return to their home in Forks."

Anna Marie turned and spoke to Hamani again, who said a few words nodded slowly in my direction. "Not Edward," Anna Marie said. "Hamani says he has to leave immediately after the ceremony."

"That's fine," Jake said.

"Why does he have to leave?" I said.

"Temptation," Anna Marie said.

"You can't argue that," Jake said, looking at me.

#

The elders, led by Hamani, wanted to see for themselves if Edward would agree to these conditions. Not willing to simply trust my reassurances, they instead insisted on coming back to the house to speak to him directly. But I already knew Edward would take issue with this proposal. I was going to have to convince him and reassure him, and that was something I did not want to do with an audience. I wasn't sure how I was going to convince him to go along with a ceremony intended to break the spiritual bond we had. I didn't want to go through with it myself and I would have refused those terms, if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't believe in them—didn't believe there was anything anyone could do that could break the bond we had. But I also knew that Edward would not want to fake some act of contrition just to appease the Ani Tsa' gu hi. He would struggle with this demand.

Edward walked out onto the porch as he sensed the large group of us approaching. Charlie got to his feet, his gun at his side.

"What's this?" Charlie asked as we got near.

"They have a deal," Edward said, looking at Jake and then Anna Marie, reading their thoughts. "And not a good one," he added. He looked at me silently, and shook his head _No_.

"You have to," I said, before anyone else said a word. Then I turned to Hamani and said, "I need to speak to him alone."

Hamani shook his head in disagreement, as though he was now understanding what I'd asked of him.

"Yes," I nodded. "I'll be right inside. I won't go anywhere, I swear." I took his hand in mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze, and then I strode up the stairs, into the house. Charlie positioned himself defensively toward the crowd as I led Edward back inside.

"Don't ask me to do this," Edward said.

"We have no choice," I said, my voice strained as I attempted to hold back tears.

"You expect me to participate in a sacred ceremony of unbinding with you?" he said. "Like renounce my love for you before the tribes, before the spirits, before God?"

"Yes," I said, cringing at the words.

"I can't do that. That's like disavowing my one reason for existing."

"You have to," I said. "If you don't do it, they'll take that as confirmation that you're planning to steal me again and they'll kill you."

"Bella…"

"If you do this, it will guarantee the safety of your family, Edward. They can come home. And then when things settle down and the bears are pacified, I will find a way to leave here and I swear, I will return to you."

"You've agreed to this?" he asked, incredulous, bordering on angry.

"Yes," I said, choking up.

"I can't believe this," he said. "I'd rather they killed me than make me do that."

"Please, please don't make me watch you die," I implored him.

"How can you expect me to renounce my love for you, Bella? I can't do it. I won't."

"Edward," I said, my voice rising in pitch, wavering as I tried to keep my volume down in spite of the desperation that rose in my throat, filled my lungs. "You told me that I was yours, that I belonged to you. You said that nothing would ever change that—not even marrying Jake."

"I know that," he said.

"Well, don't you believe it?"

"Of course I do," he said. "That's the problem." He sat down on the couch and pulled me into his lap. "I want you to understand something," he said, touching his brow to mine. "Do you know why I returned to La Push, why I want to see Hamani?"

"Yes," I said. "You feel remorseful and you want to make things right."

"I'm here because I want to be worthy of your love," he said and then kissed me lightly on the lips. "You had the strength to come back and lead the tribe to safety, in direct conflict with your own heart's desire. So how can I go through an unbinding ceremony to appease Hamani and all the while in my heart know it's a lie? Because Bella, there is nothing they could say or do that will tear your soul from mine."

My tears were hot as they rolled off my cheeks and he brushed them from my face with his thumbs and then kissed me on the forehead. I touched my lips to his and felt them cool, strong, steady.

"Edward," I whispered. "I need you to do this. For me. For us."

He put his arms around me and kissed the top of my head and held me for a long time. Then he kissed me, quietly on the lips and held my face in his hands.

"Okay, I'll do it," he said. "As long as you understand, it will never work."

#

Edward and I returned to the porch where everyone waited for Edward's answer. As the sun bounced its bright rays off of his face, the elders grew agitated, like they were concerned some kind of magic might follow. Their voices rose and then they all phased except for Hamani, who stood next to Anna Marie, waiting for Edward to speak. He and Edward stood in a silent stand off, looking intently at each other as Jake's pack came running and surrounded the small crowd out on the lawn, ready to intervene should there be any trouble.

"It's okay," I said. "We have an agreement."

"So the Cold One has agreed to the unbinding ceremony?" Anna Marie said.

"Yes," Edward said. "Let me know what I need to do.

Anna Marie paused, her eyes lingering on Edward's face curiously. She and Hamani spoke and then she continued. "Tomorrow we will perform the unbinding before the wedding. You will bring Hala to the sacred circle and give her back to the tribe so she can be married to Jacob."

"Carlisle needs to be here," I said, suddenly, realizing that Edward would be alone to defend himself should anything go awry.

"No, he doesn't," Edward said. "I'll let him know when the treaty is in place."

"Dad," I said. "Call Carlisle. He needs to get here. Today."

"There's no need," Edward said, agitated.

"I'll call him," Charlie said. "He should at least know where you are, Edward. I'd want to know."

"Jake?" I said. "You've got to assure the Cullens can attend tomorrow's ceremony. Please."

"I can do that," he said, for once without hostility, and perhaps a a little relief that Edward was going to let me go. "We'll confer with the rest of the elders. Anna Marie? Clear it with Hamani. We need the Cullens here to formalize the new treaty, anyway."

Anna Marie relayed the information to Hamani, and he nodded his assent. Edward shifted his eyes over the crowd of bears, tense and unhappy with the task set before him.

"Honey, you need a dress," Sue said, out of the blue. "The wedding is in two days and you have nothing."

"She has a dress," Edward said. I looked at him and shook my head no, somewhat horrified. "It's in the Vanquish, back at the house. I'll get it for you."

"That dress has some pretty special meaning to me," I said. "Not sure if this is the time and place to break it out."

"I just need to see you in it one last time," he said.


	36. Chapter 36

**Author's Note:**_** If you have not read Chapter 35 yet, please go read that before you read this! I posted two chapters today from Forks, which can be confusing here at ffn.**_

From me, to you:

If you do something with all your heart, it will change you. I don't care what it is. Writing, working, raising kids, reading, falling in love, following a blog, planning a trip, meeting online friends in a faraway place for a weekend for no other reason than the fact that you know it's going to be awesome, you know it's going to be an experience you'll remember the rest of your days—what I'm trying to tell you all is that I'm not the same Myg I was before Twilight, before Osa Bella, before all of you.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the love and enthusiasm you have given Osa Bella and the encouragement you've given me. In case you are wondering if it makes an impact, please know that it absofuckinglutely does. I wouldn't be posting this from Forks if it wasn't for all of you. And Forks is a long, long way from Jersey, folks.

Osa Bella would be a whimper, a suggestion of what you've read if not for the love and attention and dedication of a whole team of people, so please put your hands together, first and foremost for SnarkierThanYou, without whom Osa Bella simply would not exist. STY was my seductress, she has been my muse, my cheerleader, and my mentor. She was the one who got me to read Twilight, she was the first person to ever lay eyes on Osa Bella and she was the one who insisted I share it with the world. I can't post a single word of this without her approval. I love you, STY. I cannot believe it took Twilight for us to figure out that we had to be much, much closer friends, but I will always be grateful we got here. (And same goes for that little punk, Jenny Jerkface, who lives down the damned street for me and who I never even met until New Moon was in the theaters.)

STY, Jenny Jerkface and Latchkey Wife gave Osa Bella her first true home and her most loving, supportive audience at Twitarded. Thank you forever and ever, ladies.

The sweet VitaminR70 is my location consultant and has read every word of this—multiple times, people! She's held my hand through many renditions and has been unfailingly enthusiastic every step of the way.

TexasKatherine, well, you all know how awesome she is, but did you know she's also an amazing beta? I roped her into this half way through and she is Mr. Myg's tag team pal on the snarky beat-downs in google docs. All done with love, of course, she is relentless in her pursuit of purging the suck out of my early drafts (and there's plenty of suckage in those words, and not the good kind). I always say if your betas don't kick your ass, fire them. Thank you so much, TK. I can't write another word without you. Sorry.

Later in the game, Gkkstitch found herself with a little free time after Lolashoes wrapped This Hungry World and I abducted her into the Osa Bella beta vortex. She has read and re-read and re-read again the last several chapters of this story and her contributions have also been ass kicking in the best of ways. Thanks for jumping into the game and helping to bring this ship into port, bb.

At the very end of re-writing this, I had a bit of a melt down and really needed a fresh pair of eyes. I slipped a rough draft of the last four chapters to Lolashoes for some hand holding and she was kind enough to read and give virtual cuddles and hugs and tell me it was all going to be okay. Thank you so much, Lo. Some of you may have noticed that Osa Bella has picked up a few more readers since we started out here at Twitarded. Lolashoes is largely responsible for that with her twitter endorsements and RTs and the interview she did with me for Peas and Carrots. She's probably the sweetest person I've never met and I may have been inspired to write some femme slash in her honor, no wait, that actually happened.

You know I can't wrap this without a proper shout out to Mr. Myg, who right now is back in New Jersey, single-parenting my 20 month old twin boys so I could get my crazy ass on a plane to Seattle and hook up with a bunch of you out here in the promised land. What the hell kind of husband would do that? An incredibly generous, supportive, and insane one. Well, Mr. Myg is pretty much the antithesis of insane, but he knows what's important and when this trip came up, and he said, "Myg, you have to go."

You also know how hard he's kicked my ass in the editing department, or rather you may not since you're not allowed to read any Osa Bella that hasn't been through the Mr. Myg filter. The man knows how to write, folks. If you think Osa Bella is at all well-written, thank him because he made it so. And for those of you who love Osa Bella's Edward? All I can say is, he takes lessons in awesomeness from Mr. Myg.

Now, please grab your sniffs because I need to make a special dedication.

Those of you who were around these parts for Fandom Gives Back already know that I lost my kid sister this year to cancer. What you may not realize is that Osa Bella is what I did to cope with my grief. I started writing it in the final stages of her illness and became obsessed with it after she died. I guess I was trying to escape the pain, find some respite, which I got plenty of right here reading Twitarded every day. What I began to realize was that Bella's struggle in Osa Bella was my way of coming to terms, yet again, with the fuckawful certainty of death and the pain of loss and figuring out how you just fucking go on and live and find joy in your life after that. I did figure it out, again, and I have to tell you, you all were a very big part of that path for me.

Anyway, I'd like to specially dedicate Osa Bella to Amanda, my kid sister. Kid, I don't know where you are or if you can hear me, but if so, please do NOT, for the love of God, let Dad find out about some of the shit that goes on in Chapters 21, 24, 25, 26—anyway, you get the idea. Your baby B told me she's going as Bella for Halloween this year and I have to dress the Myglets as vampires. Mr. Myg gave the big eye roll over that, but you know he can never say no to B. Since she's never even seen the movie (I promise to show it to her when she's older), I am just going to assume that's your way of telling me you're still here and you've got my back. I want you to know I'm still here and I've got yours, too. And I'll damn well make sure B has just the right accessories, all the way from Ffffffooooorrrrrkkkkssss, to make her the best 8 year old Bella ever.

Now, grab the sniffs, clean your shit up. We've got a story to finish.

When we last left our badass hero Bella and her now second ex-fiance, the dreamy sailor Edward, they'd learned that some dreadful tragedy worthy of a National Geographic cover had gone down in the wake of Bella's great escape from the beach at La Push. The bears had swam out to follow her, and they couldn't be turned back. They were drowning out there (and shit, when I went to La Push on Thursday and stared out at the ocean? I could see the heads of black bears struggling in the water and I nearly doubled over—no lie. It sucks, sometimes, to have an overactive imagination). Anyway, Bella and Edward made the very difficult choice to turn Reckoner around and go back. Last I heard, Jake asked Bella to marry him to keep her from being dragged off to Canada by the bears, which I personally think was totally kickass of him under the circumstances, and Bella accepted, but only because Edward asked her to. See, Edward knows Jake will keep her safe, and this he needs more than he needs anything else. Word has it Edward found his way to Jake's house and was waiting to see Bella one last time.

I wonder how that's going to go down.

So, this is it, guys. Well, okay, we've got a couple of outtakes to discuss and I think there's an epi brewing too. But this is the real end. The place it was all headed. The answers to all the questions. They're here.

Let's do this thing.

Love,  
Myg  
Forks, WA  
October 2, 2010

**CHAPTER THIRTY SIX**

**Osa Bella**

"Stop fussing, hija." Illeana pulled my hand from where I was twisting a lock of hair out of place and held it. "I spent an hour getting your hair just right."

"Sorry, Ill," I said, putting my hands in my lap, surveying my freshly manicured nails. "Nerves."

"I still say you should let me come down to the beach for the ceremony," she said. "I'm supposed to be your moral support."

"Carl would kill me and I'd never forgive myself if anything happened to you or Perla," I said." As much as everyone promises to be civil, the last time the bears, vampires and wolves were all together, someone got their head torn off."

"She was a vampire, so it didn't really count."

"I doubt she'd agree."

"Well, I still don't know how you expect me to be your maid of honor from here."

"You're doing everything I need you to do right now," I said. "And you can do some hypnosis on me when I get back. That's what I really need."

"Oh, Bella," she said, hugging me. "You've really been handed your share of shit to deal with in this life. Things will turn around for you. Have faith."

"Right," I said, doing my best to take the edge off my cynicism.

I looked around at the cardboard boxes of my things, piled in stacks throughout the small house Jake and I would share with his father. Illeana and I sat alone in the bedroom and I contemplated how long I could keep Jake sleeping on the couch, or if he'd just relent and take his room back and let me sleep on the pullout. I stared at the walls, the bed and the small lamp on the dresser and felt numbness like it was creeping out of my heart and up to my brain.

It was the hour before my wedding to Jacob, and nothing felt real.

For a moment, I willed myself to remember what it was like to have a normal life. I remembered my job, the kids of the Thoreau Club, getting drunk on Christmas with Jake, walking down Forks Avenue in the snow. I remembered going to work and meeting the Cullens that first day of school. And then I realized, surprisingly, that I didn't want to go back. Whatever was coming, I still wanted—needed—to move forward.

"You do love Jake, you know," Illeana said gently, interrupting my thoughts. She fixed the twisted strand of hair behind my ear where it joined the gently curling tendrils hanging loosely down my back. "You have a long history, a solid friendship. That's a better foundation for a marriage than lots of couples start with, you know?"

"I know," I said, nodding. "Jake is a good guy."

"So then, will you at least try to be happy? Once you give yourself some time, of course."

"Sure," I said, dismissively. But I didn't need to be happy, I just needed to not drown in pessimism. I needed to not become hopeless. And I was going to need a lot of time before I'd be able to feel anything akin to happiness again. Right now I'd settle for resolved.

"Life has to go on, right?" she said, softly.

"Right," I said.

What she said was true, of course, though it didn't feel true at all. It was the kind of truth you know in your head but you can't trust with your heart, no matter how many times you lived it, like I had. I could look at the trajectory of my own life, see where I'd been and understand that life would go on, but the truth in my heart was quite different. There was a part of my life that could never go on without Edward. That part would stay locked away here in my memory, frozen in time, just like him. With him. Waiting for the moment he would come for me, however long it took. Even if it took forever.

Yet there are some things in this world, I'd finally come to accept, that are just significant beyond one's own heartache, one's own desire—beyond one's own, singular truth. They stand above even the strongest bond between two individuals. And this was the web of consequence Edward and I had been caught in that dark night in the woods at Lake Crescent, near Marymere Falls, after the fire had died out and the kids had gone to sleep and we'd found ourselves together at the edge of the water, deep in the woods, following the impulse of our desire. The night Edward accidentally crowned me Spirit Queen of the black bears. And that was bigger than us, than our love, than what we wanted. We'd both conceded this. But I still didn't like it.

However, when I thought of things this way I could see my marriage to Jake in a political light, and that made it easier. It was more of a mission, and if I was going to be forced to marry someone besides Edward, I was lucky it was one of my best friends. Jake's unfailing commitment to marry me, despite my desertion, despite my feelings for Edward, had proven the quality of his character. He was a born leader who put the welfare of his people first. I was trying to live up to that—to be worthy of the role that had been assigned me by fate. I had a heartache to tend to, this was true. But I had a purpose, and this was more important.

I looked at myself in the mirror one last time and then grabbed my bouquet—a simple gathering of blood red roses. Edward had sent them over for me that morning, along with my dress and a pair of shoes contributed by Alice.

"I'll see you in about an hour," I said, giving Illeana a kiss on the cheek. "I'll be Spirit Queen of the Bears then, but you can just call me Your Majesty, Her Royal Highness, Queen of the Black Bears."

"I think I'll just call you Osa Bella from now on," she said. "It's easier."

"What's that mean?"

"Beautiful bear," she said, smiling. "Get it? Isabella? Osa-bella?"

"Clever," I said, giving her a hug. "I like 'Your Majesty' better though."

#

They say that if you want to call the spirits, you should call them in twilight. The veil between the two worlds is the sheerest, your message swift and clear to the other side, and their journey to this world more palatable. This was the time of day Hamani set for the unbinding ceremony, with the wedding to follow under the cover of night. Like a child forming in the blessed darkness her mother's womb, my wedding to Jake would cast me anew into this world.

When Charlie and I arrived on the beach, the sun was descending into the horizon, its final beams streaking reds, oranges into the slowly darkening blue of the night. The first thing I noticed was not the presence of the spirits, but the blazing fire, spitting sparks high into the wind, several yards down from the gathering of the wedding guests. My heart began to flutter as I recognized the potential danger._ Vampires don't like fires,_ I remembered Jake saying. Of course they don't—you can destroy a vampire by fire.

Not surprisingly, the Cullens were grouped on the perimeter of the gathering, farthest from the flames, closest to the water. Alice was perched on an enormous piece of faded drift wood, and her eyes caught mine and she gave me the smallest, saddest wave. Sadness welled in me too, because I wanted to run to her and hug her and tell her how glad I was that she was there—that they all were. But this I could not do. So instead, I nodded in her direction, and then waved to Carlisle, Esme, Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper who all nodded in return, their faces in different expressions of sympathy and disappointment. I hated seeing them like that, their natural vibrancy doing little to temper the heft of their grief.

Mercy Brown had interrupted her tour and flown in from the other side of the country to be there for Edward. As a gift from the vampires to me, she offered to sing a song at the ceremony. This was a concession on Jake's part, but knowing my love of her music, he agreed.

Charlie and I picked our way through the layers of driftwood scattered on the beach to the gathering of people who awaited our arrival.

"I know you," Charlie said, looking over his shoulder at my strange entourage, eight bears who followed us at a respectful distance. "Part of you would have rather toughed it out with the bears than go through with this."

"And miss your Christmas parties and summer barbecues? Never," I said.

"Whatever happens, Bella," he said. "I'm behind you. I want you to know that."

"Could you not make me cry right now?" I said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. "And I do know that because that's where you've always been, Dad. Every step of the way."

Closer to the fire, I saw Hamani. He looked pensive, undaunted, powerful as he stood, backlit by the fire, in traditional dress, buckskin leggings, breachcloth and a headdress, the first time I'd ever seen him in one. He stood with Anna Marie and three other Ani Tsa' gu hi tribal elders. Quil Atera Sr., who would be performing the ceremony, stood next to Jake, Embry, Quil Jr., and Seth, waiting for the ceremony to begin. As I took in the sight, I felt my entire body tense.

Where was Edward?

"You all right?" Charlie whispered, giving my elbow a squeeze.

"Yeah, Dad," I said as I steeled myself at the sight of it all. Forty or so black bears were wandering around on the beach, in and around the washed up pieces of wood, tree trunks faded and worn with weather and the salt of the sea. They kept a good distance from the humans and the vampires, and when I arrived they all turned towards me and waited.

I noticed Jake whisper something to Embry and then fidget nervously with the button on his suit jacket. His hair was loose, shining in the firelight. He looked beautiful. I almost wanted to take his picture so I could remember him, my brave and noble friend, before he was bound in a political, platonic marriage to such a weary woman. He looked up from his jacket and gave me a small smile, which I returned.

The tribal elders of the Quileute and the Ani Tsa' gu hi came together and began to draw a large circle in the sand. They burned sage along the outer rung and took turns chanting to the spirits in their native tongues. Then they invited all the guests to step inside.

"I'll never be far," Charlie said, hugging me and then giving me a kiss on the cheek before he left me to join Sue at the far end of the circle, near Billy.

And then I was alone outside that sacred circle, save my bear entourage, who gathered protectively around me. There were several moments there where I surveyed the scene, looking for one final escape route. I looked out over the water, and then winced as I recalled the dire consequence of my last escape attempt.

As I was musing, Edward appeared, silently, suddenly out of the trees. I was caught off guard as my heart shattered into a thousand fragments at the sight of him. He wore his tuxedo and in the distant firelight, I was immediately brought back to that night he proposed to me at Fox Cove. So little time had passed and everything, absolutely everything about my life had changed. Again.

I quickly pulled myself together. _Don't over-think—for once,_ _Bella_, I said to myself. _Steel yourself. _I forced myself to remember the bigger picture, to embrace the resolution of so many problems in this one ceremony. I imagined myself pushing my anger and grief out to sea as far as I could manage. But it wasn't far enough. It still hurt like fucking hell.

The bears gave low growls of warning and closed in around me, clearly mistrustful of Edward as he approached. "Back off," I said and scowled. "Let him through." They stepped a few feet away, allowing Edward to come near.

"You are beautiful," he said. "I do love you in that dress. Thank you for wearing it."

"You're welcome," I said, barely a whisper, barely words at all.

He stopped and looked at me, slowly, from head to toe, memorizing the moment. I'd never gotten used to him doing that—it still gave me chills. I did the same in return, and then he offered me his arm. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah," I said. "Unless you want to throw me on your back and run for the hills."

"I do," he said. "And if I thought it would work, I would."

"I'm not dressed for a hike, anyway."

"Too many undergarments," he said and I blushed and laughed in spite of myself and the agonizing moment.

"I can't believe you're making me think about that at a time like this." I smiled, shaking my head at him.

"I'd rather think about that than this," he said, nodding towards the circle as we came closer. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I whispered, squeezing his arm as tight as I could.

As we walked forward, I tried not to lean my body into his, as tempted as I was to feel his form against my own, to lean my head on his shoulder, to feel his arms around my waist, his lips anywhere on my skin. Instead I focused on the small place where our arms were linked and savored the feel of him against me. How would I let go?

"So, is Jake taking you anywhere… "

"We're not having a honeymoon," I said, and noticed the enormous relief on Edward's face.

"Listen Bella," he said. "I don't know how long this arrangement will have to last… hopefully not too long, but just in case, I've set up a trust fund for you."

"You did what?"

"I know money isn't going to fix much, but it's the only thing I can do right now to make sure you're taken care of."

"Edward," I said. "I can't believe you."

"Are you angry?"

"No, no," I said. "I just… thank you."

"It's nothing, Bella," he said. "Really."

"I'm not sure how Jake is going to feel about that."

"I'm sure I don't care," Edward said, and gave me a smile.

As we reached the outer edge of the circle and stepped inside, Mercy began singing a simple melody, strumming mellow chords on her acoustic guitar. Edward and I stepped into the ring and the larger party of bears closed in around, surrounding the entire ceremony. More bears lumbered out of the forest and gathered around. There had to be more than one hundred of them all told, a formidable, foreboding presence.

The wedding guests stepped to either side of the circle, making a path to the other end where Jake and Hamani and all the elders waited. Edward and I walked forward, my pulse beginning to race as I surveyed the scene. Edward looked to Hamani, and then Jake, and then back to Hamani, keeping his eyes on him until we reached where they all stood.

A few feet beyond us, the fire blazed into the night sky, sparks rising up and dying out under the stars. Jake and Edward shook hands, a simple gesture that brought me a surprising amount of comfort. I briefly flashed back to my father doing that with Zack. For a moment I thought I could see him out of the corner of my eye, mixed in with all the guests, but as I turned my head around, I saw only the gathering of people and the surrounding bear party, and the Cullens as they moved toward us, positioning themselves just behind Edward.

I wasn't sure what to expect next, and I shifted my weight between my feet nervously as we waited for Mercy to finish her song. Her eyes were closed as she strummed sad chords, lost as she was in some lyric about the creation of homes and how our lives cast form to the future. As she was finishing the chorus, she opened her eyes and looked at Edward, and then me, smiling sadly. Then she suddenly stopped singing mid-lyric and gaped at me. Edward snapped his head around to give her an impossible look and then turned and looked at me, something desperate in his eyes.

"What is it?" I whispered.

"Edward Cullen," Quil Senior said before Edward had a chance to answer, his voice booming out over the crowd, "the Cold One to whom Bella, also known among the Ani Tsa' gu hi as Hala, has been unnaturally bound, do you hereby relinquish your attachment and free her—mind, body and soul to be returned to the tribe, to be joined with Jacob Black?"

"No," Edward said, a wild look about him as he pulled me behind him. "I can't do that."

"What are you doing?" I asked, desperately.

"Bella," he said as he turned and faced me. "You're pregnant."

I gasped and dropped my bouquet. As soon as he said it I knew it was true. I held my hands flat over my belly and felt a surge of energy, a tingle in my brain that spread through my nervous system as I recognized a new life force growing within me. Edward's eyes were soft and filled with unexpected joy, wonder, and some confusion before they narrowed with concern as we both sensed the tension growing among the crowd, quickly nearing a pitch beyond Jasper's ability to project his calming energy.

I threw my arms around Edward's neck and felt tears begin to well, but I couldn't let myself be overcome with the intensity of the euphoria I felt coming on, so strangely mixed as it was with the fear that something tragic was about to happen. Edward put his arms around me but then stiffened defensively as the din of confusion began rippling through the party.

"We have to get out of here," I whispered. "Now."

"I'm working on it," he said, glancing around.

An angry murmur rose from the crowd, most of whom did not know or understand the consequences of the impossible reality that had just been revealed to us. Carlisle looked confused, but he signaled to the rest of the Cullens and they formed a defensive line behind us.

"Bella's pregnant?" Charlie said. "Really?"

"What the hell?" Jacob said.

"How can it be?" Sue asked.

"Who's baby is it?" Anna Marie asked, a worried look crossing her face.

"It's mine." Edward turned and scowled at her.

"No," Jake said. "You can't get her pregnant. It's not possible. It has to be mine."

"You know that's not true," Edward snapped at him.

"It has to be Edward's," I said. "But how…"

"Hala," Edward said, making eye contact with Hamani, noting the angry expression on his face. "It must have something to do with Hala. I think she changed me in some way when I drank her blood."

I looked around, certain that I would see Hala now. If there was any sensible time for her to make an appearance, this would have been it. But she wasn't anywhere. Not in the crowd, not by the fire, not out near the water, and not in it.

I was suddenly reminded of the very first time Edward had made love to me on the beach at Kalaloch. The heat that erupted from him at the culmination of our lovemaking had been different from any other time we were together. Had Hala had taken his ability to give immortality in exchange for the ability to give life?

Across the circle I saw Charlie looking concerned as he tried to maneuver himself closer to where I stood, but there was a barrier of confused, stirring bears now positioning themselves between where the Cullens surrounded us and the rest of the guests.

Anna Marie turned to Hamani and explained the new development and I watched nervously as his face grew agitated. He looked at me wide-eyed, and then he looked at Edward, his face contorting, nostrils flaring, clearly enraged. The bears began to grumble and close in on where we stood.

"Stay behind me, Bella," Edward said, positioning himself defensively in front of me. "I'm not sure what they'll do."

"No," I said. I was done being intimidated and I was done placating with deals and promises and ceremonies that I didn't believe in. It was time to stand up. I slipped past Edward and walked right up to Hamani. "This is Hala's doing," I explained. Edward came and stood next to me. "Hala gave him this power."

Without warning, Hamani exploded, phased into the big black bear right there in my face and roared at me like an irate father losing his temper. Edward leapt and pinned him to the ground, choking him—I'd never seen Edward so terrifyingly aggressive.

"Edward, don't hurt him!" I yelled. He turned and gave me a perplexed, pained look before he let go, and was then immediately pounced on by two bears who dragged him away from Hamani. Emmett and Carlisle lunged at them, but were quickly cut off as more bears overran us. "Jacob do something!" I yelled.

"What do you expect me to do?" he said, angrily. "I have no authority over them now."

"Jake, please," I pleaded.

Jake held my eyes for a moment before gritting his teeth and phasing into his wolf body. The pack immediately followed suit, flanking him as he tried to intervene where the two bears were dragging Edward closer to the fire. Hamani roared to his feet, a battle cry to the bears, superior in number to all the rest of us. They closed in, teeth bared and glistening. Alice, Esme, Mercy and Rosalie surrounded me as Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle rushed to Edward's aid. Emmett brought his clasped hands down hard like a hammer on the head of a bear, dropping it to the ground before leading Carlisle and Jasper foward to Edward, who was now held by four huge bears.

Hamani knocked Jasper down as he sprang through the vampires, a great paw swiping at Edward's head as the other bears pulled on his limbs. I screamed as I watched Edward struggle in their grasp, the fire blazing behind him. Hamani caught Edward's head in his open mouth and pulled, forcing it to turn grotesquely far. Edward roared fiercely and then groaned in pain as I heard the hideous scraping sound of his head being twisted to the breaking point. Something snapped inside of me and then I just saw white, like I was blind in a blizzard.

#

From the bottom of my soul, I let loose an unholy roar, loud and powerful enough to immobilize the entire Quileute nation, the entire population of black bears of North America, maybe the entire world. It felt as though every single living creature momentarily stilled. I thought for a moment even the tide had stopped pounding the shore.

Edward lay on the ground, broken, his neck badly torn and his shoulders separated from his body, just a few steps from the flames that threatened to end him for good. Hamani and the four other bears stared at me and I glared dangerously at them. I felt the mixture of surprise and reverence in their posture as they began to back away from Edward.

I felt like I was underwater, like I was running in place, inside a nightmare as I moved to Edward and stood protectively over him. I put my face to his neck and saw the fracture, and then watched as it quickly repaired itself. I could hear the hum of his life force surging and marveled as I felt his shoulders reattached themselves beneath the fabric of his clothing.

_Bella, I can hear you. I can finally hear you._ I heard him say,but I hadn't said anything—and neither had he. He hadn't moved his lips, hadn't made any audible sound.

Edward sat up and studied me. He tentatively reached for me and then hesitated before he stroked my cheek with the back of his hand. Then he moved his hand down over my belly and I felt a soft fluttering at his touch and remembered what I carried there. Something more than me, more than him, more than us. Something commonplace and miraculous and eternal.

I wanted to speak to him, to ask him if he understood what had happened, but I couldn't find the words. Bewildered, I looked down at myself and saw white. White, soft fur that covered large, gentle paws, strong legs and a soft belly. I felt disoriented, confused. I gave a small whimper as I tried to speak again and could not.

_You're—you're her, _Edward said silently._ You're Hala. _

_No… Edward? It's me, Bella._

_Of course you're Bella, _he said._ But you're also Hala._

Then I felt it. I was me and I was her, all at once. As I adjusted to this new body, this new identity, I could feel Hala's connection to her people, the bears. I could see the way between the worlds. I felt centuries of her experience. I had her memories. And I had her body.

_Do you have Cherokee lineage? _Edward asked.

_No. Italian._

He shook his head in disbelief and smiled. _You're full of surprises._

In the corners of my vision, the light began to flicker. Beneath the rising moon everything shone like it was lit from within. I turned and looked at the assembled party and startled as I observed whole new dimensions. It was like I'd acquired Mercy's gift for seeing inside of people, but it went beyond that. I could see outside their bodies, inside their hearts, their minds. For every bear there was a human inside, almost like a body inside a hologram. And for every human, there was a translucent animal form encasing it, even the vampires. Every being present wore an elaborate, etheric costume, their bodies seemed to project a deeper, richer version of themselves into a dimension I could now perceive. And they all stood transfixed, silent, staring at me as I took in the strangeness of my vision.

Hamani approached us and I crouched defensively over Edward.

_See? I knew you would remember. _It wasn't Hamani's voice, but his feelings that I heard.

_Don't even think about touching him again. _I thought at him.

_You claimed the Cold One as your mate?_ He asked. _I prefer the wolf._

_Too bad,_ I said. _He is the father of my child and there will be peace with him and his family._

_Fine, then. Let it be known._

And in his heart, Hamani was smiling broadly, blissful, ignoring my own hostility and doubt with a certainty that could only come from centuries of experience.

Jacob, still in wolf form approached us and bowed down like I was some sort of royalty. And then every wolf and every bear lined up in rows behind Jake and put their heads to the ground, in a gesture of deference. Upon realizing just how much power I'd been given, I shifted uncomfortably, wishing a quiet return to my regular human body.

"She doesn't understand," Edward said to him. "She hasn't realized yet."

_No, I get it now._ I thought at Edward.

_You do? _he thought back.

_Yes—I have her memories and I remember what happened. You drank Hala's blood at Lake Crescent and then she left her body and took residence in you—in your venom. The first night you bit me—when you thought you almost killed me—she entered me, too. _

_Really?_

_Yes. This is the reason you didn't kill me that night after you drank all my blood. That's why you _can't_ kill me. And it's why you can't turn me into a vampire._

_Why?_

_Because I can't die, so I can't be undead._

_You can't die?_

_If I could die, don't you think I'd be dead by now?_

_You have a point there. _He smiled so wide, I felt tears come to my eyes and get stuck in my fur. _Are you okay?_

_Yes, but… holy shit, Edward, I can't believe you bit me and turned me into a Kermode bear. _

_Well, I can't believe I got you pregnant._

This thought made me want to smile and cry and leap into his arms._ I want to change back to my other body now._

_Don't change yet, _Jacob thought. _You command us all right now. You should get the peace treaty together first._

_Wait—Jake, you can hear me?_

_Yeah, of course I can hear you. You're a spirit guardian. We can all hear you._

_Well, that's good to know. _I paused uncomfortably, making an inventory of my thoughts since I'd turned into a bear. _Even the humans and the vampires?_

_No, just the shape-shifters. You can hear all of them, too, if they project to you._

_Do you still want to unify the tribes?_

_Of course. Bella, you're the spirit guardian here and you pull rank. I'll do whatever you want._

_You'll make sure the bears keep the peace with the Cullens?_

_Bella, you don't need me to do that. You can do it yourself. You're in charge now._

I knelt down and put my nose to the back of Jake's neck and gave him a soft lick. He stepped back and looked intently into my eyes.

_I can't believe it,_ Jacob thought at me, and at Edward._ I had no idea._

_Neither did I,_ I thought at him.

_Thank you, Jake, _Edward said._ For everything you did for Bella. And for me._

I looked around and saw my father, Sue, Billy, Quil and all of the Cullens gathered off to the side, quietly watching our silent discussion. How strange, I thought, the scene would look to an outsider: the vampire with his ursine mate consulting wordlessly with the wolf leader under the stars. It would have been a good moment to say a few words, but I couldn't say them in my animal form. So instead I projected what I felt in my heart.

There was a feeling of power down in my chest, starting in my belly and rippling out through my limbs. A sense of peace permeated the gathering, not from Jasper this time, but from my own heart. My eyes caught my father's briefly, and in them I saw not horror or shock or confusion, as I might have once expected. Instead of those things, I saw understanding. And I saw pride.

Edward and I walked out of the marriage circle and stood at the edge of the water. The bears gathered around us in a crescent formation, an army of subjects, awaiting some directive. As soon as I had the desire, they approached. I could see this bear shape wouldn't be one to have second thoughts with. I'd have to learn to trust my instincts.

I told them there would be peace between the Cullens, the Quileute and the Ani Tsa' gu hi, that my love and I would come among them now and again. Each bear came and in turn lowered their heads before Edward, a gesture of their understanding of one unalterable fact: the vampire before them was my chosen mate. When every last bear in attendance had acknowledged this, I gave blessings and said goodbye.

_Hamani, _I called, as he turned to leave._ I am sorry my brothers and sister were lost in the sea._

_They are not lost, Hala. They are among us. _

_They didn't die?_

_We are, all of us here, beings of light and we cannot die. But we can forget._

_Forget?_

_Forget what we come from. Forget who we really are._

Then they left, led in a long procession by Hamani and the rest of the Ani Tsa' gu hi elders, now all comfortably back inside their bear bodies. They walked into the woods, to the east, where they could now go back to their bear lives, secure in the knowledge that their spiritual sister had returned to them, not unaltered, but evolved.

#

_Don't change back yet. _I heard Edward's thought just as I'd realized I still didn't know how to get back into human form. _Save it for me._

I would be naked when I shifted back, of course. And I agreed, spirit guide or not, I wasn't comfortable with the whole public nudity thing the way Jake and Leah and the rest of the wolves were. But I really had to get out of there because I was beginning to feel decidedly less deity-like and a lot more Bella-ish.

The rest of those gathered, Charlie and Sue, the Cullens and the Quileute elders came to where Edward and I stood and surrounded us. Charlie came up to Edward and shook his hand.

"Congratulations, son," he said.

Edward choked up and squeezed Charlie's hand, a little too hard by the grimace he tried to hide. Charlie smiled broadly and gave him a shoulder pat and then came and scratched me on the neck like I was a cat. Carlisle came over and gripped Edward around the shoulders and hugged him, his face nearly contorted with emotion and then Edward was bombarded with a flurry of vampire hugs and kisses from his sisters, Mercy, Esme, and shoulder punches and ribbing from Emmett and Jasper.

"Bella's a bear?" Rosalie said. "Really? A bear?"

"Bear queen," Edward corrected her. "She's more like a goddess, actually, if you want to get technical."

"That's why I couldn't see you," Alice said, throwing her arms around my neck. "You are really cute like that. But your dress is ruined, I'm afraid."

"Why doesn't she smell like one?" Rosalie said.

"Because she smells like her," Edward said.

"This is just incredible," Esme said, a catch in her voice. "It's a miracle—I'm so happy I wish I could cry."

Mercy studied me carefully. "She's not having a baby," she said.

"What?" Esme said, shocked. I would have been more nervous at her tease, but it was hard to worry much about anything with Edward smiling the way he was.

Mercy smirked and announced, "She's having twins."

_Twins? Twin what?_ I asked, nervously, wondering if what I carried inside of me was something even classified by medical science or known in mythology.

"Twin boys," Edward said, nearly bursting with happiness. "Plain old human boys."

"How can she be carrying human babies inside a bear body?" Rosalie asked.

"The animal body is a projection," Sue explained. "That's how shape-shifting works. It's a gift of altering reality."

"Like enchantment?" Rosalie asked.

"Sort of," Sue said. "But if you feel her, she's got real fur."

"It's soft too," Alice said, scratching my ears.

"Holy shit—twins," I heard Jake say, now back in his human body. "Congrats, grandpa," he said, slapping Charlie on the back.

"Damn, I'm really going to be a grandfather," Charlie said, his eyes shining in the moonlight.

"They will never believe me back at the department," Anna Marie said, shaking her head. "I may have to submit a paper on this."

_Edward I'm a little… I need a moment. I want to get out of here_, I thought. _Now._

_Okay, sweetheart, _he thought to me, and then he turned to everyone else. "Well thanks so much, everyone, for all the love and support. We've had a lovely time, but it's getting late and we'd better be on our way now."

"Wait," Sue said. "Where are you going? She needs prenatal vitamins, a doctor's appointment at least."

"Maui," Edward said. "We'll be in touch soon." Then he put his hand on my back, his cool fingers lovingly stroking the fur there and he thought, _Reckoner is in slip twelve at the marina._ _I'll race you._

_Race me?_

_Yeah, I want to see how fast a bear goddess can run._

I hadn't even considered whether I could run as fast as a shape-shifted bear, which was nearly as fast as vampire, or maybe even faster if the vampire wasn't Edward Cullen.

I gave Charlie a quick nuzzle, and then when Edward was distracted saying his goodbyes, I took off like lightning across the beach, darting into the woods, not cheating as much as a head start, as I'd argue later. Then Edward was right behind me. It had been exhilarating to move at this speed while riding Edward's back, but it was downright euphoric to move like this on my own. It felt faster than the speed of sound, closer to the speed of thought. No human eyes would have been able to see us move this way. They might feel us like a strong breeze, but our forms would be elusive.

I saw Reckoner and slowed a little, and enjoyed the strange looks from the few lingering onlookers on the dock as I leaped onto the ship's deck. I landed with a loud thud and cringed as I heard my claws scratching as I slid several feet.

_You'll pay for that,_ he said, as he jumped into the cockpit and landed perfectly steady. _And no, I didn't let you win. But know this—for eternity I will tell the kids that I did._

I climbed to the very tip of the bow and lay down on the deck, hanging my head over as Edward motored us away from the dock. Those few tourists out for a moonlit stroll must have seen me as some sort of exotic pet and I laughed at how strange that perspective was now, stuck inside that mundane, unimaginative universe where the fairy tales were all left to the books and picture shows and the retelling for children. I don't know how I looked, but I felt like I was smiling.

I gazed at the water rushing past Reckoner's hull, hypnotic and rhythmic as we rocked into the waves. Once we got out of the harbor we moved faster than any small ship could possibly go under wind power alone. Were the sails bewitched? We picked up speed and moved over crested waves like we were hovering over glass. Something lifted and propelled us forward, far away from land, far beyond my comprehension of simple math and physics and the mechanics of watercraft, as elegant as they were.

I enjoyed one thing above all else about my new-found identity—I could hear the contents of Edward's mind. He was back behind me in the cockpit, setting a course due west this time, for Maui. There was a midwife there with an unusual skill set he wanted me to see. There was a justice of the peace and another beach in his mind. He envisioned something small and private but it would be official and legal too. I had no objection, though I didn't know what authority the state of Hawaii had on the eternal, unbreakable bonds we shared growing in my belly.

I pondered how to change back into human form and could hear him laughing behind me. _Don't tell me_, I thought to him. _I need to be able to do this on my own._

He immediately thought about vampire baseball. I didn't think to ask why.

To become a bear I just reacted in a moment of desperation and suddenly there I was, seeing double and covered in fur. What was the way back? Was there a secret code? An incantation? A magic potion? It was embarrassing to be a shape shifter, never mind a spirit guide, and not have some of the basic skills required.

"Bella, come here," Edward called, out loud, from the cockpit.

I crept slowly back, my head down, trying to block him from hearing my frustrated thoughts. I had clearly failed, judging by the smirk on his face.

"So you haven't figured it out yet?"

_Just give me a small hint. _

"Okay," he leveled his eyes at mine. "It's just us out here now. You can let go."

Let go? Did he mean stop worrying? He couldn't be serious. Did he understand the day I'd just had? Did he get how close I'd come to losing him forever and ever? Wasn't he at all nervous about becoming a parent? Did he realize how easy it was to mess up a kid under normal everyday circumstances, never mind twin boys who had a vampire for a father and a spirit bear for a mother and a cop for a grandfather?

If I had to stop worrying in order to become human again, we were going to turn a lot of heads in Maui when we went for that marriage license. Unless he wanted to get married at the zoo.

"So, do you give up?" he asked.

_No,_ I thought at him. _I can figure this one out. You can't always be with me, you know? I have to learn to deal with things on my own. What if I get upset in traffic or at a parent-teacher conference or something weird happens and I'm suddenly like this? I have to be able to handle this. I have to…_

"Okay," he said, interrupting my thoughts. "That's enough." He gave me a long, hard look and a crooked smile and then thought, _You make a beautiful bear, Bella, but I can't fuck you in that body_.

Then Edward looked longingly into my eyes and took a step forward, picturing in his mind, in vivid detail, my naked body before him on the beach in Kalaloch. For just an instant I felt what he felt in that moment and a torrent of emotion poured over me, into me, through me, and I breathed it sharply in as I felt his hands moving over my pale naked, human skin.

"Edward," I said, breathless just as his lips came full force down onto my own. I really did let go then, allowed my spirit to dissolve into his, to hover all around us and float as it might upward into the night sky, dancing over the fading moon.

I watched from that distant point in the sky like an omniscient observer might as we lingered there. Reckoner sailed ever on to the west, never minding the faint breeze, disappearing into the horizon. Watching from afar, one might think that it wasn't Maui Edward had set a course for but perhaps the moon itself, or if not the moon then the sun, or some other fascinating and impossible location where beasts and monsters and women and men all came together in the tales of creation and hope.

But if not, then Maui would do just fine.


	37. Epilogue

**A/N**

**What's this? An epilogue? Yes, it is! I know it's been awhile cooking, but it's finally done, and so here ends the tale of Osa Bella. Finally. **

**I just wanted to say thanks again to all of you who have read and have encouraged me to keep writing. I'm going to miss this bear a lot, but I'll miss all of you more.**

**xo**

**Myg**

**Epilogue**

"Watch here, Eli. You want to give the rod a good, solid flick at the last second. Like this."

Charlie tipped his rod behind his shoulder and then brought it forward swiftly, clicking the reel and releasing the line. It shot out maybe twenty yards until the lure sank in the gentle flow of the river, waiting to hook the prize salmon he'd promised to bring home to Sue for dinner. He gave the line a few quick tugs and then adjusted his fishing hat against the glare of the mid-morning sun.

"Like this, Pop?" Eli asked, and then mimicked his motion perfectly, sending his lure out every bit as far. It hit with a satisfying plunk and Eli gave Charlie a very serious look, his light brown eyes almost the color of his father's in the sunlight, shining beneath a crop of dark brown hair that poked out of a very well-loved Mariner's cap.

"Not bad for nine years old," Charlie said with a nod. "He's turning out to be a decent fisherman, Bells."

"I still think it's easier to catch coho with your hands," I said, surveying the large, smooth stones beneath the water's surface for signs of fish.

"You and Noah," Eli said, looking over his shoulder for his twin, and then making a face when he realized he wasn't there. "Hey, where is Noah, Mom? I thought he was just going up the path to look for grubs."

"He has been gone a little too long, now that you mention it," I said as Eli's expression shifted to one that looked like it had just encountered sour milk.

"He probably went looking for Dad again."

"He'd better not have," I said, though from the knot in my stomach I knew it was probably true. Noah hadn't let up all morning about going with Edward to hunt, and even though I insisted he was still too young, I should have guessed he would sneak off to find him anyway. The last time Edward snuck off to hunt during a family outing he'd done the same thing.

"All right, I'm going to go look for him," I said. "Dad, keep an eye on Eli for me?"

"Sure thing," Charlie said and then turned to Eli. "Mind your drift there, son."

#

The late spring air carried a hint of Noah's scent along with an explosion of wildflower and cedar. I inhaled and walked north up the path, scouring the thick underbrush and then the tangle of branches above. I couldn't imagine parenting twin boys without heightened senses—it was difficult enough keeping track of them with the enhanced sight, hearing and smell I'd gotten from Hala.

"Where are you, my wily young hunter?" I sang in the woods, trying to coax Noah out. "You know, if you did manage to find your father he wouldn't be real happy. Remember last time? He chased you all the way back to the boat."

"Mom?"

I was surprised to hear Noah's voice from directly above, small and shaky. I looked up and saw him perched on the branch of a poplar way too high up, his green eyes wide like a frightened animal, his honey-colored hair spotted with bits of bark and dust from the tree. My stomach dropped at the sight of him so high above me.

"Noah! What on earth are you doing all the way up there?"

"I'm stuck!" He shifted dangerously on the branch and then clutched at the trunk as his foot slid from the crook of the limb.

"Don't move!" I yelled, my heart pounding with fear, but I held my tongue instead of letting loose the string of swear words that ran through my head. Ever since my big fall from the tree I hated climbing as a human, and I was still terrible at it. "Hang on and I'll phase us so you can climb down safely, okay?"

"Dad's going to be really mad," he called down.

"Dad? You're worried about him being mad? I'm already mad and I'm about to turn into a bear, so when you get down from there I suggest you run, not walk back to your brother and grandfather."

"But Mom… "

"Put both arms around the trunk and don't let go, got it?"

Noah gripped the tree with his arms and tucked his legs around it, squeezing his eyes shut tight.

"Okay, on the count of three we shift," I called to him.

"One!"

"No, no! I do the counting, Noah. You just hang on up there, all right?"

"All right, but hurry. I have to pee."

I counted and then roared, twisting myself out of my human shape and into my bear body and watched as my son shifted from a lithe, lean child into a stout, black bear cub, still clinging fiercely to the tree trunk. As he scurried happily down the trunk of the tree, I began to suspect that the entire thing had been a ploy to get me to phase him, and as exasperating as it was, I couldn't blame him. If you were going to hang out in the woods it was nearly always more fun to do it as a bear.

The laughter I heard in my head confirmed my suspicions.

_You did that on purpose? _I asked.

_I wish I had claws when I was human, _he thought back at me as he made several jabs and then took a swipe at some invisible opponent in front of him.

_You could have fallen and gotten hurt! _

_Come on Mom, let's go catch some fish,_ he said. _I'll race you back to the river!_

_Race me? You know you can't outrun me._

_Come on, please? Let's walk up the hill some then. Maybe we'll run into Dad._

_If Dad was nearby, we'd hear him. And you can imagine what he'd be thinking about your tree stunt right now._

_He should have taken me with him._

_Noah, we've been over this—you're too young to watch Dad hunt. When you're twelve, you and Eli can go hunting with Dad._

_Ten._

_Maybe eleven, _I said.

_Nine! _

_That's not how negotiation works! _

Noah took off running, laughing again as he galloped back down the path to where his grandfather and brother waited.

#

_You're letting him win?_ Edward's thoughts interrupted my own just before I heard his footsteps behind me. "He'll never let you live it down, you know."

I turned to make some witty retort, but immediately blanked on it at the sight of him. Even on that shady path, sunlight managed to find him and light him up like a surreal hologram. But after ten years I was used to Edward's indefatigable shimmer. What really got me was the tuxedo. The shirt was unbuttoned at the neck and he hadn't bothered with a tie, which only made him all the more inviting. He stood smiling, his hands resting in his pockets. His eyes were golden hued, bright from his kill and something else I couldn't name, but clearly he was up to something.

_What's this? _I asked him wordlessly, sauntering over until I was nosing into his pant leg.

_What's what? _

_Aren't you a little overdressed for hunting?_

_I suppose that depends on the prey. _Edward dropped a hand to my head and dragged his fingers languidly across the fur, his thumb stroking behind my ear. _Or would you rather I set a bear trap? _

_Babe, _I warned,_ don't do that or you'll make me phase back right here and the kids… _But before I could finish the thought, he was imagining me in compromising positions all over the forest and I was naked and human again, crouching on the path before him, warm all over and pink from head to toe.

"That's better," he said with a satisfied nod.

"Edward, we're supposed to be on afamily outing." I stood up, put my hands on my hips and tried to feign an attitude, but his eyes were all over me and I could not get the heat to drain from my face.

"There's been a change of plans," he announced, and then he swept me up into his arms and began to stroll away from the path, explaining the exact nature of the departure from our previously scheduled G-rated adventure. "Your father and Sue are taking the boys for the night. After fishing they're going back to La Push with Charlie. We'll see them at the bonfire tonight, but they're sleeping out on the beach with the Blacks."

"You planned all this?" I said, nestling into his arms.

"Weeks ago," he said with a smile, and then he carried me off into the forest.

I didn't ask where he was taking me because I already knew—that place up the hill from Lake Crescent that is buried so deep in the wild one could reasonably argue it was no longer part of this planet. We'd been there many times over the years, but I still wasn't prepared for what I saw when we arrived. The outer edge of the clearing was ringed with wildflowers, hued in deep blues, oranges, reds, but there the colors are always supernatural, like someone turned the intensity dial up on an old television. I was hit with their sweet spring scent and then realized it wasn't just the outer edge of the clearing, but the entire meadow that was filled with cut flowers. Countless mariposas, brodiaea, pink and purple star tulips, fairybells, and wild orchids lay in the grass, a soft tapestry that made this normally special place seem downright sacred.

"Edward," I whispered. "It's so beautiful…"

"Do you like it?" he asked, a rare hint of tentativeness in his voice.

"I love it." My voice dropped as the words came out, my eyes went damp with emotion. He planted a soft kiss on my brow and then set me down on my feet on top of a blanket spread out on the ground in the middle of the clearing. An ice bucket and a single champagne flute stood on a small wooden tray on the corner.

"You didn't happen to bring me any clothes, did you?" I asked doubtfully, looking around for a backpack.

"Are you kidding?" he said, taking my hands into his and gently pulling them away from my body, his grin now wide as he watched me fidget a little beneath his gaze. He smoothed the hair away from my face and then kissed along the curve of my neck, down to my shoulder and I felt my heart flutter in my chest. "You are more stunning every day, do you know that? A hundred years from now I won't be able to keep my hands off of you at all. We'll have to stay locked in the house all day and night."

"A hundred years from now, we might actually have the house to ourselves."

"Don't count on it—Esme and Carlisle still don't have the house to themselves."

He gestured for me to have a seat on the blanket and I did, trying to look casual even though I felt ridiculous sitting there nude in the great outdoors with him dressed in his tux, like I'd been dropped into a Seurat painting and didn't know how I was supposed to pose. Being a shape shifter had taught me to feel at home in my body, had taught me to feel powerful and confident and there wasn't a creature on earth I couldn't face in my naked human form. But it still hadn't stripped me of the shudder I felt when Edward looked at me, and for that I was eternally grateful.

Edward pulled a bottle of Domaine Ste. Michelle from the ice bucket and the popping cork echoed through the forest.

"Happy anniversary, Bella," he said, raising the glass and then handing it to me.

If you wanted to be technical about it, it wasn't an anniversary as much as a birthday—my kermode birthday. But after the first anniversary of my transformation, I'd forbidden Edward or anyone else to wish me a "Happy Bear-day." Of course, that didn't stop Alice, who sent me a handmade "Happy Bear-day!" card with an expensive white teddy bear every year. I now had ten in my collection.

"Thank you," I said, enjoying the champagne some, the way he looked in that tuxedo more.

"You're very welcome." His gaze locked on my lips as I sipped my drink and never left.

We sat there quietly for a few moments, and I marveled at how fast eternity seemed to be moving, how that night of my transformation out at La Push didn't feel like a decade at all, how the boys hardly felt nine months, let alone nine years old, how Charlie didn't feel 60 and I couldn't possibly be 40 already, as meaningless as age is to someone immortal. Ten years later and I still couldn't quite get my head around forever. I wondered if I ever would.

I finished my champagne and then handed the glass back to him.

"Would you like another?" he asked.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" I teased, already feeling a slight tingle in my head. "Because believe me, the flower stunt is plenty to get you laid."

"I'm not trying to get you drunk," he said. "But I will admit, after two glasses of champagne you give head like a porn star."

I shook my head and frowned at him. "I don't need champagne for that, just the right motivation."

"What, like a video camera?"

"Edward!" I laughed and but then pulled him to me by the lapels and french kissed him like a Catholic high school senior beneath a set of stadium bleachers. "Actually, that sounds kind of hot."

"I'll remember that," he said, and then in an instant he was on his feet, pulling off his jacket. He sprung up to hang it from a high branch of a nearby tree, a warning to anyone that might be lingering in this part of the forest that he was near and that I was not currently available for offerings, blessings or any other kind of guidance. Then he returned to where I sat and knelt in front of me.

"You're going to have to be quiet this time," he said and ran his hand slowly up the inside of my leg, stopping half way up my thigh. He inhaled sharply as he felt me tense with anticipation. "We're not all that far from the river and if Charlie hears you screaming, he might draw his gun."

"You know not what you ask of me," I said under my breath as I watched him unbutton his shirt.

"Babe, I'm not asking."

He paused to hear my breathing deepen before he rested his cool lips against my own, moving them softly from top to bottom, sliding his tongue across my teeth until I let out a small moan.

"I really do love making you scream, though," he said.

"So then," I said, laying back on the blanket, propping myself on my elbows, "tonight after the bonfire, we'll come back here and keep the forest up all night."

"Sure, but I'll have to stop by the house and pick up the tripod first," he said, and then ducked as I tossed a handful of flower petals at his head.

#

It was the ten-year anniversary of my transformation and the start of my reign as the spiritual leader and guardian for the greater shape-shifting community, and everyone was coming to the celebration out at La Push. All of the Quileute would be there, as would all of the Ani Tsa gu' hi, and the Cullens too. Illeana, Carl and their two girls came every year, and plenty of townsfolk from Forks would come for the booze and the spectacle.

I admit, it was a bit awkward that first year when the locals from Forks showed up. A few of my ex-colleagues had heard rumors and had come to raise eyebrows and mutter derisively at me. I could just imagine what the talk at Forks High had been and was very grateful that Red Colter hadn't come. As Charlie had remained Chief of the Forks Police Department, I was especially worried that I'd made him look bad.

"Let people talk," Charlie said. "You don't really think I care, do you?"

"You're a bear goddess, hija," Illeana had said. "You've got bigger things to worry about, don't you think?"

"Think of it this way," Edward said. "In a few decades, they'll all be dead."

He really had a way of putting things.

The nice thing about being me was that I could bend my bear form to suit my purposes. I'd done plenty of visits with sick kids at La Push as a small, cuddly white cub and I'd scared off menacing outsiders as a larger-than-grizzly sized mama-bear. So when Edward offered to carry me from the meadow to La Push on his back, like I was some sort of royal bear-skin cape he could don, I shifted into my Bella-sized bear body.

When we arrived to La Push, the long day was just beginning to wane, pale twilight casting deep pinks and blues across the horizon. Enormous piles of grey-white driftwood on the sand made for handy hang-outs where people gathered, waiting for the night's events to begin. High tide had taken over much of the beach and folks gathered closer along the edge of the woods, every once in a while craning their necks to try and get a glimpse of our arrival.

"They're here!" Leah called out and then took several photos as Edward leaped over a pile of driftwood with me clinging to his back. We landed steps away from Charlie, Billy Black, Jake, Anna Marie and Hamani, who were standing in front of an unlit firepit.

"Nice landing," Charlie said, raising his Rainier tall boy in salute.

"You're late," Jake said, looking annoyed. _As usual, horndogs,_ he thought.

"Ignore him," Anna Marie said. "He's still pissed off because Eli beat him at horseshoes."

"Really?" Edward said, smirking as he caught Jake's irritated stream of consciousness. He knelt in the sand so I could climb down from his back. "Way to go, Black."

"Dad, Mom, that was an awesome entrance!" Noah called as he and Eli came running over to us from a group of kids near the water's edge. I phased them into bear cubs mid-stride, Eli laughing as he tripped and tumbled into Noah, bringing him down in a heap. Noah rolled his brother off of him and then they began wrestling until Edward pulled them apart. Eli immediately started chasing his brother, but the poor kid didn't have a chance of catching him, since Noah was incredibly fast like his father. I could barely catch him myself anymore, but I couldn't let him know that. Soon all the kids were caught up in a rousing game of bear hunt as Eli and Noah sprinted around the fire pit, still unlit, nearly knocking over the Forks Middle School gym teacher on their first pass. It always amazed me how the locals were oblivious to the magic around them, until I remembered being one of them. Every year, none of them seemed to notice the shape shifting or other visual oddities until well, well after their blood alcohol levels hit 1.0.

Hamani, Quil Senior and the Ani Tsa gu' hi elders were decked out in traditional ceremonial attire, with beautiful beaded tunics and fringed leather leggings. Hamani smiled his ancient, half-toothless grin from beneath an enormous feathered headdress. They stood before us, and then all of the shapeshifters, bear and wolf, including Jacob, Leah and Seth, lined up behind them and knelt down.

_Thank you for being here tonight._ I projected my thoughts to all of them. _Please rise._

They all stood up and took turns approaching and leaving small gifts. There were three bear fetishes, six bundles of dried medicinal herbs, a beautiful hand-carved charm bracelet, and a six-pack of Rainier from Jacob. Then they all went back to milling around, except Hamani, who knelt down and draped a garland of orchids and elderberries around my neck. He took my face gently in his hands and touched his brow to mine.

_Happy birthday, child, _he said._ Long may our people enjoy the warmth of your light._

The sweet echo of an A minor strummed on a vintage Martin drifted up, almost lost in the sound of the waves. My ears perked up as Mercy began to play from across the beach. She was sitting on a huge piece of driftwood, surrounded by the rest of the Cullens, some of the Quileute and many of the tourists and townsfolks. She looked up in our direction and nodded to Edward, then quickly turned her attention back to her guitar.

Mercy and Edward had drifted apart over the years, and I felt both guilty and relieved about that. Even though she'd always known Edward's feelings for me, deep down she still hurt over losing him and I knew he still felt terrible for hurting her. I should have had more compassion about the situation, I know, but if I was being truly honest about it, every time I saw her I couldn't help thinking about her fucking my husband regularly for three decades, and that thought still made me want to claw her perfectly friendly little face off. It wasn't that I didn't love her, because I did. Mercy was family and if she loved Edward, I couldn't really blame her for that. So I had to suck it up and deal with it. For the most part Mercy stayed on tour with her band and we didn't see or hear much from her. But every year she came with the Cullens to our bonfire out at La Push and gushed over our kids and serenaded the party until the last drunk had passed out on the beach. And all else aside, no matter what other feelings I had, Mercy's singing always made me swoon.

Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Rosalie were all listening to Mercy play, standing like pillars. We saw them nearly every day, but it was still odd to see them on the beach at La Push, so out of place. We walked over to greet them and they all extended "Happy Bear-day" wishes. Alice scratched me on the neck, held up a shopping bag and motioned for me to follow her into the woods. When we were a ways from the crowd, she held up a stunning but simple floor-length silk dress in Edward's favorite shade of blue. I phased back so I could put it on.

"Did you have a nice day, Bella?" she asked, giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "You look gorgeous in this."

"Thank you for picking it up," I said, hugging her back. "It's absolutely perfect. But where'd you get it? I'm going to have to get another because if I'm wearing this on the beach tonight it's going to get wrecked."

"I bought three," she said, helping to fix my hair into soft waves down my back. "I know how miserably you treat your clothes. But please, please try to kick the shoes off before you phase, all right? They only had one pair in your size."

#

Hamani began his call to gather, a low song in that ancient language that captured everyone's attention and called them to the fire pit. Eli and Noah, now dressed and back in their kid bodies came to stand with Edward and I at the head of the crowd along with our families and the elders of both tribes.

Jacob, Seth, Leah and Quil Junior lit torches and set them to the enormous pile of wood stacked at the center of the fire pit. Their small flames crept up the kindle tower and then roared into a mighty blaze, chasing the sunlight west of the horizon.

"Ready now, Your Majesty, Her Royal Highness and Queen of the Black Bears?" Jake said with a touch of sarcasm as I took my last swallow of Rainer.

"Let's do this," I said. I paused as I remembered the adorable pair of blue ballet flats on my feet, and then I gently kicked them off and placed them on a log behind me, feeling the cool dampness of the sand between my toes. I crushed my beer can in my hand and passed it to Jake, and then hopped up on top of a big, sawn-off log as the crowd watched me expectantly. I looked them over, about two hundred people in all.

"Do you know what the universe is?" I asked the crowd, my voice strong, carrying up over the beach like it was the sound of the surf, the wind itself. I gestured wide with my arms over my head, directing everyone's gaze to the dark sky above. Sparks rose from the great fire behind me, disappearing into the haze of the low cloud cover. I waved my arms in a slow circle and the haze lifted, the clouds above floated slowly to the east, revealing a shining moon and an array of glittering stars.

"It's just a question," I said, feeling that intense surge of energy I got every year when I gave this talk. "It's the kind of question that creates an endless chain of questions, and you…" I pointed to the crowd. "Each and every one of you, is an answer."

Hamani stood in front of me and conveyed these words in the ancient language of the Ani Tsa gu' hi and when he was finished, a circle of enormous shape-shifted bears appeared on the perimeter of the crowd. They all stood on their hind legs and roared into the night, an eerie and frightening call to the heavens. The rest of the crowd joined them and created such a cry across the Pacific I was sure it could be heard on the beach in Maui. The moon looked like it grew three sizes in the sky and a flock of Scoters shot out from the trees, over the water to swoop in the moonlight.

"We are, each one of us, on a path of discovery. A path of creation! And tonight, we give thanks for the great mystery and the potential that lies in each one of us to forge our own unique destiny."

Hamani began to sing again, a low chant that was joined by all of the Ani Tsa gu' hi and the Quileute members. Drums began to pound as the children all rose and began to dance in front of the fire, Eli and Noah first among them, joyfully timed steps to the rising and swelling beats of hands to drum heads, voices to the sky. The rest of the crowd began to dance around the fire, too until the entire mass of bodies was moving on the sand, casting shadows on the trees and across the beach. Just next to me, Edward stood and gave a slight tug on my hand. I looked down and he lifted me off my perch so we could join the rest, dancing slowly together, his arms around me tightly as we moved against the flickering light of the flame.

Hamani then claimed the speaking perch and threw his arms into the air as his song soared up over the fire and out to the crowd. Anna Marie translated in a commanding spoken word, as Illeana came forward to where we all stood, dressed to play the part of Hala in her long, white robe with a matching headpiece adorned with white feathers.

"You look awesome—who made this for you this year?" I whispered as I gently stroked the white feathers streaming down her back.

"Alice ordered it," she said. "She's got the best connections."

"Hala our sister was charged by the eternal spirit as guardian of the western gate," Hamani said, his voice booming as Anna Marie translated. "Since the dawn of eternity, there she kept watch as departed souls sought entrance into the hidden lands."

At these words, I threw my hands over my head again and raised the fire light into the form of an enormous gate, tendrils twisting across the beach, the ocean on one side, the forest on the other. Illeana stepped forward and led the dancers through, towards the water. They all continued to dance as Edward and I stepped back to stand next to Hamani. Hamani continued, roaring again over the crowd.

"The day came when a being of darkness, the Cold One, appeared before her, requesting her pardon for the death of one of her brothers."

Edward, rumpled hair and guarded eyes, still looked stunning in his tux as he walked in front of the crowd to meet Illeana in her ambitious gauzy white robes, now fluttering in the wind. He gave her a deep, slow bow and then spoke in a loud, dramatic tone so the crowd could hear.

"Hala, guardian of the west, I have come to beg pardon for the transgression of my brother," he said. "He has mistakenly taken the life of your brother and he wishes to atone."

"Cold One," Illeana said, her voice deep and majestic in her Cuban accent. "Why would you ask forgiveness for a simple human murder? Murder is your way."

"It is not the way of my father," Edward said. "He has taught us to live eternity on earth as though one day we may pass through your gate to the heavens."

"This is a trick?" Illeana asked, stalking a tight circle around Edward in the sand. "You seek to gain entry for your kind to the land of eternal light?"

"No," Edward said. "We only wish to beg pardon for our transgression on your people."

"You are not like your kind," Illeana said. Edward nodded his assent.

"Hala was so taken with the Cold One," Hamani continued, "she desired to keep him for her own. She wanted him so badly, she promised to allow him through the gate if he would stay with her. But the Cold One refused."

"For whom do you deny me?" Illeana cried. "For whom do you deny yourself the land of eternal light?"

"_She_ is all the light I will ever need," Edward said dramatically as he turned to look at me.

"Then bring her to me!" Illeana said. "And I will bless you both."

"Is that your word?" Edward asked.

"It is the word of the spirits."

Edward stood slowly and then walked to where I stood. He took me by the hand and lead me to Illeana, who began to walk a circle around us, her arms in the air like a magician casting a difficult spell.

"Do you know who you have found here?" Illeana said.

"I do," Edward said.

"Then you know she is already mine," Illeana said, pulling me away from Edward.

"Hala tried to push the Cold One's lover through the gate, knowing he could not follow," Hamani said as Illeana and I stepped around each other. "But he grew mistrustful and pulled his lover away."

"If you can defeat me, you can keep her with you here!" Illeana said.

"No!" Edward said. "I am no murderer of the gods."

"Child of darkness," Illeana said. "Are you worthy of an eternal love? What wouldn't you do to protect her?"

"Do not challenge me, spirit," Edward said. "For there is nothing I would not do." His eyes seared me as he said the words, and though I knew this was a story, I also knew it was the absolute truth. We'd been lucky in ten years that he hadn't had to prove it again.

"I will take her," Illeana called, pointing at me. "I will take her for my own and torment her for your penance."

"No!" Edward yelled and then put me on the ground and crouched defensively over me.

Across the beach I saw Eli and Noah staring at us, pointed looks of concern on their faces that made my heart ache. I gave them a reassuring wink and Eli nodded back at me. Noah relaxed as Charlie dropped a hand to his shoulder and gave a squeeze.

Edward then stood and pulled Illeana into an embrace and dipped her, like they might be in the middle of a dramatic ballroom number, before he put his lips to his neck and mimicked his deadly kiss. It was totally hot.

"Driven wild by her threats," Hamani continued, "the Cold One subdued Hala and drained her of her blood, stripped her of her earthly form. But she stayed with him, a spirit disembodied, haunting wherever he went."

"Drink her," Illeana hissed as she walked slow circles around us again, her hands claw-like in the air above us. "Drink her like you drank me."

"Never," Edward hissed back. "Not ever."

"Child of darkness! You know nothing of the laws of spirit." Illeana laughed.

She took several steps back and then Edward let go of me. I lay down on the ground at his feet, draping my arm across my brow. Hamani continued.

"There came a night when the Cold One found his love dying. He tried to turn her to become one of his kind, but he could not bring himself to deny her the heavens. At the last moment, he betrayed his own heart to let her pass through the western gate without him. And in that moment, for his loyalty and the selflessness of his love, Hala bestowed him the gift he sought—an eternity with his beloved."

"But for this gift there is a price!" Illeana called, as I got to my knees.

"Whatever it is, I will pay it," Edward said.

"Yes, you will! For you will become guardian of the western gate," Illeana said, gesturing to that frame of light in the sky over our heads. "And you will sire the heirs of my kingdom."

"I cannot sire any heirs of this world," Edward said. "For my immortality I have been stripped of that most human gift."

"You will have it," she said. "But your love will pay a price, too."

"Name it," I said, on my feet now, posturing in front of Illeana. "I have no fear of you, spirit bear."

Illeana went to Hamani and he gave her more garlands and she came and draped them around my neck and shoulders. She took her robe off, revealing a simple white dress beneath, and hung it around my shoulders.

"You, child of this age, will birth and rear my heirs," she said, and gestured over to where Eli and Noah stood on the edge of the crowd. "And you will lead my people. Keep them safe in the halo of your light, so I may retreat into the west and be bestowed my eternal grace." Illeana took several steps back and paused.

"Do you accept this sovereignty?" she asked.

"I do," I said.

"Good. For it has always been yours to claim."

Illeana disappeared into the crowd, and then Edward kissed me, slowly, softly on the lips. For just a minute I'd almost forgotten all those people were there watching us. Then he let me go and walked beneath the gate, beckoning the crowd to come through from the other side. They did this, and Eli and Noah raced to my side, each one taking my hand as we began to turn in a circle, in time to the drums beating as the people gathered in a larger circle around us. Edward cut through the crowd to where I danced with the boys and as they saw him approach, they let me go and took several steps back. Edward put his arms around me and we danced slowly, slowly in the middle of that throbbing mass of life, noisy and spectacular in its wild, unpredictable and now half-drunken, spell-bound glory.

All the shape shifters began to phase, dancing bears and prowling wolves on the beach howling. The Cullens mingled with the Quileute, and the locals hit the kegs harder as the party began to disintegrate back into the joyous cacophony of a Friday night with something to do. I felt Edward's lips on the top of my hair like he was speaking, his hands smoothing the fabric on my lower back and then he whispered, "I'm going to miss this dress. Your ass looks incredible in it."

"Alice bought three," I reassured him.

With a nod he got the boys' attention and they came running back to where we were.

"Are you guys sleeping out on the beach tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah!" Noah said. "Our tent is set up already. Pop said he was going to hang out with us."

"That's because Uncle Jake is trashed," Eli said.

"Don't stay up all night," Edward said. "You've got soccer tomorrow morning and Mom is picking you up at 8."

I pulled them in for a hug and my insides fluttered as they each gave me a hug around the waist.

"I love you," I said into the top of each boy's head as I kissed it.

"I hate the part where you almost die," Eli whispered into my shoulder.

"Me too," I whispered back. "Good thing there's a happily ever after, right?"

Eli nodded and didn't even wince when I kissed his cheek. Then he and Noah half-danced, half hopped in a circle around us. The rising voices of the crowd, the warmth of the fire and the pounding of the drums made me feel my own bones stretch, my skin bristle and a low and ferocious roar well up from my belly.

"Ready to get out of here, babe?" Edward asked.

"Way past ready," I said.

Then he picked me up and tossed me into the air, so high I felt like I might grow wings and soar straight into the heavens, but instead I just phased into the mighty white bear and let a ferocious roar echo out into the night. I soared high over the fire, over the crowd until I disappeared right to the very heart of the forest, where Edward was already waiting.

#

I don't know how he does it, but every time Edward makes love to me I feel like we're still within those first few hours of seeing each other naked for the first time. The feel of his lips on mine, his hands as they move over me, gentle, eager, quick or deliciously slow still strips me down until I am nothing but need, relieved of all my cares except the one where I care very much that he fucks me until I can't see, until I don't need to see because I've become clairvoyant from the intense satisfaction of having his cock in me.

We'd had far too little of that kind of endless, raw sex since becoming parents and since taking on the work of the spirit bear Hala, guiding an entire population of shape shifters and a quickly growing population of reformed vampires, witches and lesser demons. But Edward was making up for it that night once we got back to the meadow, taking me first from behind, then having me ride him, and then fucking me against a tree, which we nearly cracked in half before he put me back on the ground, on my back, keeping his mouth over mine to keep me from accidentally calling a storm. The way I felt I could have conjured a cyclone.

"Say it," he said in a low voice, his cold breath against my ear as he pushed inside of me. "Out loud."

"Vampire," I exhaled into him as his mouth covered mine again. "You know what I want," I whispered against his lips, my eyes misty and closed. "What I need…" I could hardly speak as he moved agonizingly slow inside of me, holding me so I couldn't move against him, playing my favorite weaknesses as he drew me into what was probably my 153rd orgasm that day. "Tonight of all nights, indulge me."

"Bella," he groaned and I felt him get harder, and then even harder as he thrust into me.

"Please, Edward," I begged him, my voice shallow and growing more desperate as now that forbidden topic took root between us. "It's been so long..."

"Jesus," he groaned as he felt me coil tighter around him. He thrust into me again, hard as his infallible self-control began to slip, and then even harder like he was pushing back against that unspeakable desire.

"Show me how much you need me," I whispered, clawing at the cold expanse of his shoulders, my hands on his neck, his face, pulling him back to me. "Take all I have. Please, please…"

"Don't beg… you're killing me." He slammed his cock back into me and then I really felt him waver, felt his mouth, his lips working over the skin of my jaw, down, down, to my neck, kissing and then licking the scar he'd left there all those years before as his hands began to grip and squeeze me tighter, holding me so I couldn't move and I felt myself so tense, so ready, so fucking needy I couldn't take it. And then, he dragged his teeth across my neck, that unmistakably smooth, sharp edge like a ceramic blade taunting me.

"Do it!" I demanded. "Do it now."

"God damn it," he said, lifting from me. I worried that I'd really pissed him off this time and that he was going to pull out of me altogether, but instead he flipped me to my belly, gripped me around the waist and drove himself back into me hard from behind. I cried out and felt his lips against my ear. "You don't tell me how or when to drink your blood. Do you understand?"

And then I came all over him. Again.

"Yes," I cried. "Oh God, Edward… I need…"

"I know exactly what you need," he said, his voice strained, tight, fucking me harder now as I came. He covered my mouth with his hand so I could scream into it without calling every last bear out of the forest. "I know when, where and how you need it. Never forget that."

But I couldn't answer him because my brain was rendered useless by an orgasm so strong I thought I might need an MRI to check for permanent damage. I would have considered it an out of body experience, except that it was an entire body experience, another absolute existential moment as he drove me right past the present and into the oblivion created when two lives meld out on the very edge of sanity.

Edward let out a roar so ferocious I thought we were having an earthquake, but I knew it was no earthquake when the cold sharpness of his teeth came down right on the top of my shoulder, and then he penetrated me there, too, filling me and draining me all at the same time. My blood turned to starlight as it flowed from my heart over his starving, grateful tongue, straight down into his icy, cavernous core. As he drank me I came again and became light, lifted by him, with him, until we were only our ethereal selves, locked in that eternal communion two souls make when pledged to one another for forever.

I lay quietly beneath him for the first time in hours, his arms wrapped around me as he held me from behind, warmed by the long, satisfying drink, stilled by the hours and hours of sex. In ten years that was the first time he'd allowed himself to drink my blood, even though he knew he couldn't kill me doing it. He insisted he had his reasons and I tried to respect that, but I couldn't deny how incredible it felt to see Edward in that perfect state of relaxation, that moment of absolute satiation that he could only get from me. I would give anything I had, anything at all, to make him feel that way, and he knew it. Which I suppose is the reason he was so careful about it.

Edward rolled me onto my back and kissed me gently on the lips.

"We've got to arrange for babysitting more often," he said, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear.

"We still have an hour," I said.

"You're going to be limping as it is," he pointed out.

We stayed there awhile, talking about the little things. Summer vacation, painting the deck on the house, whether the boys would prefer the Quileute school to private school and how much longer we could stall before heading back to our family and the assorted obligations that were now and would ever be ours. As the first light of the morning broke through the trees I'd say I felt supremely satisfied, triumphant even as I looked deep into his blood red eyes and saw the contentment in them.

"What are you staring at?" he asked with a cocked brow and happy, crooked smile.

"You are one sexy vampire, Edward Cullen," I said, stretching my arms out and clasping my hands behind my head. He smiled and then ran his hand gently over the newly forming scar on my shoulder, inspecting it carefully.

"And you, Bella," he said, "are one beautiful bear."

**~The End~**


End file.
